Had an affair - can you ever recreate the intimacy with DH?

[Chepstow1]

I am married to a very kind and gentle man who works like a dog. He loves me and our DS (20 months) however he is totally 100% focused on his job and we live with any residual energy that is left over after a hard weeks graft.

He has a very low (non existant almost sex drive). We have had sex about 4 times in 2 years and even before our son was born it was every 3ish months, always initiated by me. When we met (at work) there was never a real "spark" between us, more of sense that we got on really well and he was someone who I thought was such a lovely bloke, so much so that I fell in love with him. At that time I was busy at work too, both of us often working away and apart during the week , and to be honest, we were kind of like a pair of comfy old slippers with each other at the weekend (warm safe, secure, pleasant to be with, easy company).

I have always found the lack of sex an issue, and even more worrying to me was that my dh refuses to talk about the issue, or even anything to do with "the bedroom". I do not feel in the slighest bit attractive to him and when I have asked him if he fancies me, he says of course he does, but he NEVER approaches me sexually/comments on anything I wear or even makes references to anything sexual. He does not seem to need sex and this part of our relationship has virtually shut down.

Quite out of the blue, I found myself in bed with a friend of 10 years who has always made me laugh a lot and is very "laddish" e.g typical bloke about sex and very funny with it and very highly sexual too. The sex was totally incredible and he fancies me like mad. It has now ended mutually and very amicably as neither of us want to tear apart our families, however it has left me with the feeling that I have a massive chunk missing from my relationship which is making me feel it is very incomplete.

I have thought about leaving my DH as I have realised that I am a very sexual being and the level of frustration and lonliness out of a lack of intimacy is something I can carry on with for the rest of my life. However I want to try and see if I can recreate some of the bond/deep love and even sexual relationship between us. I feel like pandoras box has been opened and I cannot go back to a life of cuddles but virtual celebacy.

We have been to counselling (he knows about the affair) and that has broght to light the fact that we have very different ideas of what makes a complete marriage. To him, sex is very low on the list, companionship high. Companionship is high on list for me too, but I also want to feel sexy/share myself/feel connected physically and be able to talk about it to the person I am married to.

Any tips/ideas/experiences out there???

Hi Chepstow,

Didn't want you to think you are pouring out your heart and no one is paying any attention.

How did you get to this point? Was your DH always like this, and why didn't it bother your before? What happens if you try to increase the intimacy and amount of sex with DH? How does he respond?

It seems to me that his overworking is removing any sexual energy he might have had otherwise.

Is DH willing to work towards changing things as they currently stand? Is he aware of how your feel and what is at stake?

Hi Chepstow. I also didn't want you to think that no one was listening. I am, but I'm not sure that I can advise you.

Ads far as I can tell most partnerships start with the 'honeymoon period' pre-children and lots of time, energy and sex. Then it settles down into something more 'settled' ie. more children, less time and energy, less sex! But there has to be that 'spark' there to lift it beyond a 'friendship' type relationship.

If he's loving and kind you could do a lot worse, TBH. Are there any issues that he's not telling you about. Is he a shy person? Does he feel somehow that he will disappoint you? Can he 'let go' during sex?

sorry no advice.

i think you tried to justify your affair by blaming your DH's low sex drive. he had that same sex drive when you met, maried and had a child. if it was such a problem for you then you should not have got to this stage.

im sorry if you find my opinion harsh but i think it is fair. I have no idea how you could recreate any intimacy woth your husband as quite frankly i think any sexual thoughts he may have had for you will now be marred with visions of your lovely freind.
I do however think you are a very lucky woman to even be asking this question as most laddish, sexually active men who you seem so attracted to would have been out of that door quick as a flash.

Hi, yes I am lucky to be married to such a nice person, and one who is also desperatly trying to make things work. I guess in my defense, I have been trying to address the issues to do with our relationship for a long long time. I have tried to talk to him on so many occations and he just refuses to discuss, just saying "mmm" or nothing at all.

There are lots of good things about my dh, I feel there is a huge gap because of our lack of anything other than friendship. Sex has always been lights off, at night in bed, usually after a few glasses when I have pounced on him. The affair has made me realise how much of a lack of physical connection we have, and yes, have always had.

Not sure what to do. Counselling is helping, as he does open up there.

Thanks for postings

Hi, yes I am lucky to be married to such a nice person, and one who is also desperatly trying to make things work. I guess in my defense, I have been trying to address the issues to do with our relationship for a long long time. I have tried to talk to him on so many occations and he just refuses to discuss, just saying "mmm" or nothing at all.

There are lots of good things about my dh, I feel there is a huge gap because of our lack of anything other than friendship. Sex has always been lights off, at night in bed, usually after a few glasses when I have pounced on him. The affair has made me realise how much of a lack of physical connection we have, and yes, have always had.

Not sure what to do. Counselling is helping, as he does open up there.

Thanks for postings

Hi, yes I am lucky to be married to such a nice person, and one who is also desperatly trying to make things work. I guess in my defense, I have been trying to address the issues to do with our relationship for a long long time. I have tried to talk to him on so many occations and he just refuses to discuss, just saying "mmm" or nothing at all.

There are lots of good things about my dh, I feel there is a huge gap because of our lack of anything other than friendship. Sex has always been lights off, at night in bed, usually after a few glasses when I have pounced on him. The affair has made me realise how much of a lack of physical connection we have, and yes, have always had.

Not sure what to do. Counselling is helping, as he does open up there.

Thanks for postings

Hi, yes I am lucky to be married to such a nice person, and one who is also desperatly trying to make things work. I guess in my defense, I have been trying to address the issues to do with our relationship for a long long time. I have tried to talk to him on so many occations and he just refuses to discuss, just saying "mmm" or nothing at all.

There are lots of good things about my dh, I feel there is a huge gap because of our lack of anything other than friendship. Sex has always been lights off, at night in bed, usually after a few glasses when I have pounced on him. The affair has made me realise how much of a lack of physical connection we have, and yes, have always had.

Not sure what to do. Counselling is helping, as he does open up there.

Thanks for postings

My concern is that from what you've said your dh was never really that interested in sex and doesn't regard it as a high priority. Counselling may help you to understand why this is but it is unlikely to "change" your dh. On the other hand if you split from dh over this issue you would probably find it very hard to meet anyone else who had all of his other qualities and who you got along with and was happy to be involved with your ds. Even if you did find someone then after an initial honeymoon phase sex would reduce in frequency and intensity. I don't mean to be depressing as I have sympathy with you but I think that your situation is difficult and there are no easy solutions. Best of luck.

Hi Chepstow

Did your counsellor give you anything to work on together? Or was it just left at that?

I think that you really need to talk to your dh and make sure that he sees that his lack of interest in sex makes you feel so low. Don't accept a "that's just how I am". There are lots of ways in which he can show an interest in you. If he is too tired for sex then he could give you a nice massage; there are all sorts of ways to engage someones sexuality, whilst still sitting with your feet up watching telly - a box of chocolates, a film and cuddles can become v. intimate if he is prepared to try.

He needs to know that this is important to you so that he can try to work at this relationship if he wants to. I agree with bubble99 The fact that he won't talk to you at all about the bedroom, suggests to me that he may have issues that he just hasn't dealt with. Maybe he's afraid. Maybe working hard is avoiding dealing with issues. Pity as he sounds a lovely person and worth fighting for.

Good luck.

Hi, and thanks. The counselling is working only that the lady we go to is focusing a lot on why my DH won't talk about sex and as a result I am actually embarrassed to talk about it too. He is lovely and I don't want to push it or hurt his feelings, so in the past we went through stages where we just parked it for a while, until a few weeks/months later would bring it up, and the cycle repeated itself.

The affair, whilst very very wrong and hurtful to him, has shocked him into coming to counselling and whist I am not in anyway saying my behaviour was the right thing to do, it has made him face up to the issue that our marriage has something to be worked on. Low sex drives are fine as long as both people are Ok with it, but you are right, I felt very unattractive and low and found the biscuit barrel and wine bottle my companions...

Since having our DS, I lost a lot of weight, had my hair cut and suddenly started to get compliments. At the same time my DH got even busier at work and before you know it, I jumped into bed with my mate.

Thanks for help mumsnet chums, I'll carry on with counselling and work at keeping all the good things I have.

Chepstow1, best wishes to you, I really hope you can work things out with your DH.

Patttsy

I don't want to throw a spanner in to the works as you seem so postive, however I have to say that your sexual incompatability may well haunt you throughout your marriage.

You may always be sucseptible to adultery again - and quite frankly who could blame you, not me for one - and you may be raging a constant battle with yourself to keep your sexual needs, and the sexual aspect of your identity , at bay. Are you certain you can cut out such a large part of who you are? It may be kinder to all concerned, and not least to yourself, to cut loose. It sounds as though your dh would still be in your child's life and not create any problems in that respect as he is such a nice man.

Sorry

Hi Suzywong, gosh you sound like you can read my mind!!! I am worrying about just this issue. I have realised that I am a sexual being and enjoy sharing myself with one man, as believe it or not, I am also an extremely loyal person by nature (recent events aside).

I feel like the scales have been removed from my eyes and that there is a massive part of me that wants to enjoy my body and share it and enjoy someone elses that I am in love with (never had casual sex or one nighter, bit of a "relationship" girl.

My dh is a great dad when he is there. All he wants is to provide for us and for me to be happy. He is gentle, kind, and a good friend. I am torn between feeling "how could I do this to my friend, life is pleasant, and I don't want my son to suffer", with "I think I cannot live my life like this for the rest of my life".

OK, mumsnet chums, have even debated having a long term thing with my friend, not ofter, but oftern enough to keep the sensual side of me alive. Problem with this is (1) The deceit/lying/dual life would killme and (2)I am bit prone to getting emotionally invloved with the person I am having sex with.

We are moving to be nearer family and friends and I am hoping this will also give us more of a chance to work things out, as I am hoping that being around them will make me think less about myself and more about family/solid upbringing/ etc etc.

you said "How can I do this to my friend?" not 'How can I do this to my lover"

Is the move set in stone yet?

I would imagine it is possible to rekindle intimacy with a husband, but are you really RE-kindling?

Sorry to be so harsh

Hi, you are not being harsh at, just honest, and no not rekindling as it has never been there.

Even at the beginning we never had rampant sex. He works away Mon-Fri and often the weekends we were too busy/tired/pissed to bother. We had out son through IUI and even though there was no medical reason for us to be inseminated (the issue was with me having irregular cycles, not his sperm count), we did use insemination, and although neither of us said anything, I am pretty sure it was to reduce the need for us to keep having sex.

The sex things started to bother me after our son was born. Before then I used to raise it a lot butsuch little amounts of time together, I did not want to ruin it by focusing on this topic. After he was born and I spent a year at home (now back to work 3 days) I realised how lonely I am, both physically (he is away Mon-Fri) but emotionally (not feeling I can share myself fully with the man I am married to.

Although sex was great with my friend, was was better was being able to say what makes me feel nice, and talking about things like teenage years and what it was like when you first put your hands down a boys pants, and having a real giggle. I have NEVER had these sorts of conversations with my dh. Since the counselling I have talked about a few things, some which he has refused (e,g giving or receiving oral sex) and some which he has now tried, like other positions other than missionary)

It has just never been an easy subject with us, and whilst all the other bits are there - good mates, similar goals and values, dedicated parents etc etc, I feel like my actual "marriage" is in the retirement stage, not prime (I am 33)

Not easy, I know he would always be in our lives even if we were not together, but he worships me in his own way, I am not sure I could do that to him. Maybe the move (yes is progressing rapidly - and all driven by him) and maybe some time may soften how I am feeling now.

Some days the ache for the closeness I felt with my friend is unbearable and the emptiness I feel over whelming. Other times I think, this is good, I am so lucky really and I am doing the right thing by being fully committed to making it work

I admire your commitmentto your family, I really do.

But you are 33. You have 40 more years in this marriage, that's 40 years of self-denial.

If you are lonely within a marriage it ain't good.

Sorry, I feel like a right egger-on-er, but you have to put yourself somwhere in this equation

Hi, I am giving it a real go, so that whatever happens I'll know that I really tried and also I have given DH every chance. He is making such an effort e.g I have told him that I want him to share more of what he thinks and feels about stuff and every day he says "are you OK, do you want me to talk about myself!" and stuff, which whilst quite irritating, he means really well. We are also quite a touchy couple (hold hands) and he tells me he loves me everyday. I have not got it all bad. However I wake up regulary having had very saucy dreams knowing that I cannot even discuss them with Dh, and the lonely ache is hard, but maybe over time we can meet somewhere in the middle.

I have to try as I need to be able to look my beautiful son in the eyes and say we did

Off to counselling tonight, will try and be as honest and frank as I can

Cheers for chat and support,

Other than the fact that I haven't recently had a affair you could be me. My DH is exactly the same as yours. No interest in sex. We have had counselling but all it did was bring out the fact that he is not bothered if he never has sex again.

He is a great Dad (for someone who never wanted children) and adores DS. I go through stages of thinking I can't live like this and stages of thinking that I can't break up our family just for sex. I am now 42 and have gradually gained weight with every year so now I feel totally unattractive too.

I have had one one-night stand 4 years ago. Prior to that I had a couple of flings before we got married. I should never have married him - was all focussed on getting married and having a baby.

The way I look at it now - I KNEW I shouldn't have married him much less had a child with him. So I owe it to us all to stay together. WE are even trying for another baby (IVF). In all honesty I can't say I would never stray if the opportunity presented itself. But in all honesty I am also sure that I will only leave if HE is unfaithful or was ever violent. Both scenarios are equally unlikely.

A lot of the time I ache for the intimacy of a "proper" relationship.

You have my sympathy and understanding. Lots of friends have told me that I should go but as this is equally my fault (I pushed for the marriage and the baby whilst knowing that we hd huge imcompatabilty issues )I feel I can't punish DH and particularly DS.

Good luck to you. I hope all goes well.

Budababe, thanks for you posting. Since my indiscretion and subsequent opening up on things, I have discovered that there is a secret club of people like you and me out there. People who, for whatever reason, married and are now not fulfilled, but are committed to whatever value that stops them leaving.

The weight thing is interesting. My DS loves "feeding me up", pours my wine glass really freely, and any gifts are always chocolate related.

I recently took up running (hence weight loss) and now feel that I have an outlet to get rid of excess energy and feel really good about myself. He is really supportive and thinks its great too as I am so chilled for rest of day when I have been.

If you (like me) are not sure that you will leave, are thinking about more kids, then get something for you that gives you time, space and an identity. It has really helped me.

Good luck and big hugs. Some would say we are the lucky lucky lucky souls. Good decent blokes, but we know the conflicts with that xx

Is he perhaps hiding something from you? Is he being honest about his sexuality? Has he has a traumatic experience in the past? Was he brought up to believe in sex as a sin? I don't think your counsellor is getting to the root of the problem and if I were you I would change counsellors.

Hi Helliebean. Its is really hard. Went to counselling last night and in the car on the way there I plucked up the courage to talk about a recent "saucy dream" that had occurred a few nights before. Dh listened, but had his eyes fixed firmly forward and on the road, and when I asked him if me talking about sex turned him on, he let out a nervous giggle and said "no, not really". My heart sank, things will never change, I am asking him to change the way he is.

On the subject of whether he is hiding something or had a bad experience etc, the counsellor has focused a lot on this. He has said sex was something that was never discussed when he was growing up, and that he has always not been that bothered/had high sex drive, even as a teenager. It is just the way he is, but there are no hidden secrtes out there that are stopping him/holding him back.

My parents by contast have always been really really open and still now have a very healthy sex life (e.g mum rang me when my dad retired and said that he now wants it in the afternoons as well as most mornings!!*)

I really don't think this side of theings is going to change. I just need to see whether the other good things we have will be enough for us both to be content and not have negative consequences. I often get angry over silly things like tidiness, counsellor sayss this is displacement of frustation from other things.

Helliebean, do you think you staying in your relationship been good for your children/you in other ways?

Hi Helliebean, would love your email address, are you able to send it direct? Not sure how these things work, thanks again for postings