Had an affair - can you ever recreate the intimacy with DH?

[Chepstow1]

I am married to a very kind and gentle man who works like a dog. He loves me and our DS (20 months) however he is totally 100% focused on his job and we live with any residual energy that is left over after a hard weeks graft.

He has a very low (non existant almost sex drive). We have had sex about 4 times in 2 years and even before our son was born it was every 3ish months, always initiated by me. When we met (at work) there was never a real "spark" between us, more of sense that we got on really well and he was someone who I thought was such a lovely bloke, so much so that I fell in love with him. At that time I was busy at work too, both of us often working away and apart during the week , and to be honest, we were kind of like a pair of comfy old slippers with each other at the weekend (warm safe, secure, pleasant to be with, easy company).

I have always found the lack of sex an issue, and even more worrying to me was that my dh refuses to talk about the issue, or even anything to do with "the bedroom". I do not feel in the slighest bit attractive to him and when I have asked him if he fancies me, he says of course he does, but he NEVER approaches me sexually/comments on anything I wear or even makes references to anything sexual. He does not seem to need sex and this part of our relationship has virtually shut down.

Quite out of the blue, I found myself in bed with a friend of 10 years who has always made me laugh a lot and is very "laddish" e.g typical bloke about sex and very funny with it and very highly sexual too. The sex was totally incredible and he fancies me like mad. It has now ended mutually and very amicably as neither of us want to tear apart our families, however it has left me with the feeling that I have a massive chunk missing from my relationship which is making me feel it is very incomplete.

I have thought about leaving my DH as I have realised that I am a very sexual being and the level of frustration and lonliness out of a lack of intimacy is something I can carry on with for the rest of my life. However I want to try and see if I can recreate some of the bond/deep love and even sexual relationship between us. I feel like pandoras box has been opened and I cannot go back to a life of cuddles but virtual celebacy.

We have been to counselling (he knows about the affair) and that has broght to light the fact that we have very different ideas of what makes a complete marriage. To him, sex is very low on the list, companionship high. Companionship is high on list for me too, but I also want to feel sexy/share myself/feel connected physically and be able to talk about it to the person I am married to.

Any tips/ideas/experiences out there???

Your marriage sounds very like mine chepstow. I wish I had some answers or positive things to say to you but the truth is that this has been an ongoing problem for us - and it is our 25th wedding anniversary this year!!

Part of me wishes I had had the courage to leave years ago.

I feel bad commenting as I've simply not been able to read all the other posts.. However, I'd ask the following two questions:

Did you feel bad when you were having the affair? I mean apart from guilty... Did you find lying to your partner difficult? Does your behaviour haunt you?

How would you feel if your partner was cheating on you?

If you love him and the situation mostly works, I would controversially say - have affairs, DON'T make it a comfort thing.. keep it sexual. If you feel bad lying, then you need to tell him. If you find it impossible to think of him doing that to you, you need to discuss it with him. Sometimes the most perfect relationship can lack a certain POW. I guess I'm a believer in tryig to keep two people who seem mostly suited, together.

Also - buy a vibrator. Seriously. If it's a sexual thing masturbation can be just as fulfilling. If however there's something more you crave, I'd address that - is it attention you want? Comfort? To feel attractive. All those things can potentially be achieved with a harsh talking to your DH.

Ok, DD is awake and shouting, just wanted to add my thoughts
xxx

Hi, interesting questions, so thanks. How did I feel about lying, I felt bad, but also justified and almost defiant as at that time I felt I was shouting from the roof tops on what I thought we needed to do/talk about and he just was not listening. Now that he is making a massive effort, then I would feel very bad about deceit.

How would I feel if he was cheating on me - blimey, my own thoughts have scared me, as I would be happy that he was happy/fulfilled rather than jeolous and would hope that we could amicably decide what to do for our DS. Gosh that is a scary revalation. In reality though I really eally cannot imagine it happening, so maybe I am deluding myself.

As for the vibrator, sadly I can only get off with a male companion in tow. It the kissing, sweat and rubbing that gets me going, rather than the buzzing and mind....

Have a good BH weekend mumsnetters

name change here

Other threads like this have shown that you are not alone in this situation. My DH and I are also in this situation. I totally understand what you are going through, especially with regards to getting mad at stupid things - I get frustrated with DH for silly things and when we argue it is all I can do not to scream WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU NOT HAVING SEX WITH ME?

It's been ten years or so - we have two lovely children both conceived with a lot of blue pills from the GP. Basically, DH just isn't interested though. We have had counselling and had lots of doctors and consultants etc. etc. but at the end of the day, he is just happy to live without.

I think a lot about leaving but it seems so awful to do that to my children and I do love him and he's a great partner and father. I wonder how I would answer my children if they said "Why did you leave dad?" - would I say that he just didn't have sex with me? It would sound terrible. He's a good man.

But there are times when the thought of spending my whole life without a sex life feels like a life sentence.

It must be just AWFUL hearing about your parents active sex life. I do sympathise. :(

Other times I think of the quote by the philosopher Mills "It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied."

Anyway, there are no answers. You need to decide whether you can spend the rest of your life like this. Chances are, it isn't going to change. Perhaps you could wait until your children have left home before you leave your DH. Perhaps you will leave him and not find another man as good as him. Perhaps you will be happier, in the long run, if you stay together. I'm sorry I don't have any answers. But you aren't alone in your situation.

Hi Speakers, thanks for the posting and the support. Went for a long run this morning and thought that I have a lovely house, solid lovely man and beautiful child, I am lucky. Then the lonely ache kicked in and I thought, I would rather be alone but able to be honest to myself that I am lonely, feel empty etc, than in this relationship which is very comfy and pleasant, but has massive chunks missing from it.

I have got a bit paranoid about him logging on and reading all of this, but have to take the risk and be honest with you guys. My "friend" has also had a massive impact on how I am feeling. I am not sure at all that we are suited in many ways like DH and I are, however what I did feel with him was like a woman, sexy, and closer than I have felt with DH in many ways. The ability to talk about feelings, share myself fully and it to feel so natural etc has meant that I now feel so sad about a life without that again.

This move to be nearer my family, will give us the best chance for me to become satisfied with all the good things we have, and not focus on the fact that I am living with a friend, not a lover.

I recently did a reading at a friends wedding, and the poem has haunted me, it basically was all about love being a friendship that has caught fire, having shared vision, and that you may have all the possessions in the world but without love you have nothing. It more than hit a chord with me.

Hi helliebean, yes I did and thanks. I need to set up a new hotmail address and then I will mail you as mine is all my name and I am not sure I am ready to go public!!!!

Not much to add to what has been said except you're not alone. I'm in the early stages of pretty much the same dilemma, and I think one of the hardest things to accept is that idea of having a great friendship, partnership, common goals, understanding... but no longer even a jot of (always feeble) sexual interest. I think when offers come along, that's the moment to start discussing things openly, but.... I know what you mean by not wanting to destroy what you've got, and what your child has got. I'm wary of the divorce route as it's the one taken by my parents, and my mother has been single - not even a bf - since she was 33 . She passed on an immense fear of being the 'guilty party' in marital breakdowns. But now I think there is no such thing as a 'bad' or 'good' alternative, there are only people who try to do the best for themselves in very confusing situations. Best of luck.

This happened to a freind of mine. It went on for years. Enentually she had two affairs (one with the office romeo) and later on she told him about the affairs and gave told him that unless something changed she was off. She had tried for years to get him to open up. Anyway it worked he came clean and told her what the problem was (She never told me what it was) and now they have two kids. I haven't spoken to her about it for years but it was a real issue for a long time.

I think she was at the end of her tether and didn't want to hurt him but she was a young woman and wanted kids and a life.

Lots of very eloquent posts!
Sorry i have not read them all in full so forgive me .
Chepstow - 'recreate the intimacy' I just wonder if you ever really had it.
I am certain the love is there and i am also certain that in our declining years sexual intimacy is overtaken by companionship but i do think sex is important.
I sexually compatible couple are less likely to look elsewhere for sex. Having affairs just for sex as one poster said is all very well but it WILL almost inevitably lead to emotional intimacy and thus possible spell the end of your marriage. A vibrator - good for a short term solution but the underlying problem needs to be addressed. Talk to dh - see what he REALLY wants - if he want to TRY to 'get better' if only for your sake then I think its worth a go. If he is happy to go on like this then I do think you need to re- think your options.

TALK TALK TALK and hopefully you will find the answer.
Good luck and {{hugs}}

sorry, cant think of a tactful way of putting it....do you think your Dh might be gay , Chepstow?

Hi, I am sure he is not gay, just not very "manly" when it come to sex. I thought I was alone with this, but from the other postings there are heaps of us out there.

We went out for dinner last night and he told me that he wants to have more children (which I do too, have always wanted to give my son a brother or sister). However I feel I could be committing myself to a life sentance by doing this. Right now I work part time and could be financially independant and could manage this with one child, but 2 would be a different story.

The coversation was light and I did not find myself in a position to agree/disagree, just let it that we would get the house move out the way and then maybe Xmas, and then see.

Helliebean, I'll mail you on my other mail, sorry for delay

Hi Chepstow

I am reading your posts and it seems to me that all this talking here, and hearing of others with huge chunks missing from their marriages is facilitating a very different perspective in your thinking from your original post.

When you move to be closer to your family, if you do make a break, it won't be as agonising and hard as you think as you and your dh will have support around you and most importanty your DS will have a smooth transition, IF that is what you decide to do.

As the other posters say, keep talking, but don't ignore your inner voice.