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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an emotional affair?

168 replies

Fern65 · 23/05/2013 11:58

DH takes his phone with him just about everywhere and is always checking for messages when I'm not around. He even takes it straight to the bathroom first thing in the morning (if he hasn't already checked it under the duvet before getting out of bed).

He is on Facebook every night messaging whilst looking at other stuff on the internet. I started to worry about him being so secretive and have been trying to see who he's messaging on FB and it's always the same person. He has exchanged messages with her every day since I started paying attention to it all but it's been going on for months. I can't see what they are typing and he hides it if I get too close.

I asked him who she was and he said just a friend. I told him I wasn't happy with the amount of time he was devoting to her and he got very defensive saying that she was the best friend he had had in years. Since then he is still messaging her except the message box is now minimised to the tiniest size on the furthest side of the screen from where I sit.

I've read on here about emotional affairs but at what point does a friendship cross the line and become an emotional affair. I've no idea what the content of the messages is and no way of checking due to passwords. I briefly see her commenting on his FB posts and these can include a heart or xx at the end but then I sometimes do that with my friends. Any opinions?

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skyeskyeskye · 02/06/2013 22:01

If he has deleted his facebook account, then that is something. But the cynic in me thinks that he is probably just contacting her by some other method.... If you want to save your marriage, then you BOTH have to want to do that. You could go for counselling together or separately to work things through.

I begged my XH to come back, even after finding thousands of texts to OW on his mobile bills, but in reality, I would have never trusted him ever again. Each time he got his phone out I would have wondered what he was up to.

I can see where you are coming from.

badinage · 02/06/2013 22:02

Oh love Sad

I'm so sorry.

But I think you're right in this case.

I'd give different advice if he'd come clean, ended this relationship and begged you to forgive him. Then I'd say take your time and don't decide yet.

But the decision you've made in the absence of all that is the right one.

What a fool he is.

SweetSeraphim · 02/06/2013 22:14

So sorry for you Sad

I hate to say this... but are you sure he's deleted his FB? It may look like that to you if he has deleted and blocked you.

Fern65 · 02/06/2013 22:22

Neither or us has anywhere else to go but luckily we have a spare room. H was planning on visiting his family (not in this country) this month so that will give me a bit of space.

He has plenty of other ways to contact her. Both of their Skype accounts are still active (he isn't aware I know about them), he uses a number of other messaging apps and he phones her too.

I have another FB account so I have checked that his account is definitely deleted. Have also looked at other woman's account and this morning she changed her profile pic to a photo of her with a stupid grin, photo shopped devil eyes and she's holding a pawn. Underneath she's written "checkmate..." Only goes to show it wasn't all innocent "friendship".

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A1980 · 02/06/2013 22:46

OMG what a bitch.

They deserve each other.

piratecat · 02/06/2013 23:06

that's the prob, he could have blocked you, do you have a mutual friend you could ask to look on their fb for you.

another thing is, it's so easy to set up an anonymous fb account to carry on communicating. Sad

piratecat · 02/06/2013 23:07

sorry my page didn't refresh properly.
what an insulting bitch.

grrrrrrrrr

onefewernow · 02/06/2013 23:18

Fern the checkmate comment was vile, and showed she thought she was playing a competitive game, and one which you forced your H to abandon against his will.

ImperialBlether · 02/06/2013 23:34

I would be tempted to ask her why she had a picture of my husband's penis in her hand.

Takingbackmonday · 03/06/2013 00:09

I am SO angry for you

Takingbackmonday · 03/06/2013 00:16

sorry Fern, I'm not so good at relationships, but youre brilliant and he needs to bugger off. He is treating you abysmally

superlambanana · 03/06/2013 00:49

I think you need to adopt a coldly angry but controlled stance. Don't take any crap from him - be very strong, take the moral high ground (tempting as it is to shout insults etc), and as someone upthread said, show him what he could lose. He's got to feel like he will lose you if he doesn't buck his ideas up pronto, if it's going to stop. Don't cry all over him.

I say this as someone who has been in his position. Not proud of it and I had a damn lucky escape - got a swift kick up the behind when I thought I was going to lose DH. Thank god he had faith in me. There is no way on this earth I would do anything like it again.

badinage · 03/06/2013 01:28

Bloody hell Shock

I'm sure the anger and shock must be awful when on the receiving end of that sort of goady cruelty from an OW and I wouldn't expect you to have processed any of that yet.

But doesn't it speak volumes for your husband's judgement that he loves a woman who could be that cruel and nasty to the mother of his children?

My guess is that she will chew him up and spit him out when he's served his purpose, but that will be his sadfuck karma and it's my most fervent wish that by that time, you'll be in a much better place.

Can you get some support in RL now Fern?

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 03/06/2013 06:48

Please don't think that deleting his FB account has achieved anything, or that any of the utter twaddle he has given you is true.

He's deleted his FB account so you can't spy on him that's all. He has removed one of your ways of checking he's not still boffing MC. He has not stopped the relationship with her. Nor, I imagine, will he.

And keeping away from his phone? Yes, until he can get to a shop and buy a secret one to keep hidden from you.

He needs to go.

There is always a way, please don't think of staying with this appalling man because you are abroad and think you have no other options. And why, at this stage, do you even care that he has nowhere else to go? I'd venture to suggest that, actually, he does, doesn't he? To MC. And that's where he'd be if you did kick him out.

invicta · 03/06/2013 06:51

Sorry to hear the news. I wondered whether the initial phone calls was to end the relationship and cancelling the fb account was part of this. What has he said he has wanted to do? If it was a good relationship before, is it worth saving. Take time to consider everything, and don't rush into things.

LondonKitty · 03/06/2013 08:41

You must feel so terrible. Do you have anyone in RL to help you?... Just talking to someone can help get perspective.

How far away are your family and friends?

Something like this happened to a friend recently and I can see what it's doing to her.

Sad

Definitely here to hand hold.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 03/06/2013 10:38

How are you today Fern?

piratecat · 03/06/2013 10:55

just coming back to this, to see how you are, that picture must have ripped you apart.

oh your dh must be feeling 'so special' now, if he saw that.

grrrrrrr. Angry for you. x

LilyAmaryllis · 03/06/2013 13:16

I think you've been very brave and that you spoke a lot of truth to your DH. Well done. I don't know what you do from here, but if you can continue to talk to him truthfully, perhaps you will find the way.

Fern65 · 03/06/2013 15:43

Sorry I haven't been back sooner it's been a busy day. I think you are all right he must still be in contact with her. He was remarkably cheery this morning and I noticed his phone needed charging again (was 85% charged Saturday evening, switched off all day yesterday). He also spent a very long time in the bathroom this morning with his phone.

Reading all your messages suddenly made me remember something. He does have another FB account which is only friends with his main account. I bet he's using that to correspond with her.

I have no-one in RL to talk to. No friends and I'm not sure if I want to talk to my family. I would love to have a good rant to someone but my parents are certainly worthy of the Stately Homes thread. Dm would relish the whole thing and as soon as I put the phone done she would ring and tell everyone. She is incapable of keeping things quiet no matter how much I tell her. Df would certainly side with h and tell me not to cause a fuss.

Anyway, kids are driving me nuts so I'd better go and sort them out. Will have more time to respond later.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 03/06/2013 16:14

Have you decided what to do about him?

skyeskyeskye · 03/06/2013 16:18

It sounds like you are starting to think more clearly. It is easy for us to sit here and say do this, do that, because we know what is coming next, but this is your life and your feelings involved.....

I think you do know what you have to do and I hope that you find the strength to do it.

LookingForwardToMarch · 03/06/2013 16:26

Personally (and I have done this) I would take a hammer.

Smash his phone and laptop into tini tiny pieces.

In my case, although my ex then realised how out of order he was and apologised, I dumped his ass anyway.

Try going a bit mental op. It's not dignified but damn it works ( and feels good) Grin

Fern65 · 03/06/2013 16:58

I was right. Just checked his phone (new password) and i can see the fb messenger icon open. Bastard.

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Fern65 · 03/06/2013 17:00

Old account still showing as deleted.

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