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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an emotional affair?

168 replies

Fern65 · 23/05/2013 11:58

DH takes his phone with him just about everywhere and is always checking for messages when I'm not around. He even takes it straight to the bathroom first thing in the morning (if he hasn't already checked it under the duvet before getting out of bed).

He is on Facebook every night messaging whilst looking at other stuff on the internet. I started to worry about him being so secretive and have been trying to see who he's messaging on FB and it's always the same person. He has exchanged messages with her every day since I started paying attention to it all but it's been going on for months. I can't see what they are typing and he hides it if I get too close.

I asked him who she was and he said just a friend. I told him I wasn't happy with the amount of time he was devoting to her and he got very defensive saying that she was the best friend he had had in years. Since then he is still messaging her except the message box is now minimised to the tiniest size on the furthest side of the screen from where I sit.

I've read on here about emotional affairs but at what point does a friendship cross the line and become an emotional affair. I've no idea what the content of the messages is and no way of checking due to passwords. I briefly see her commenting on his FB posts and these can include a heart or xx at the end but then I sometimes do that with my friends. Any opinions?

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 01/06/2013 20:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

A1980 · 01/06/2013 20:39

Yeah I was only kidding. Don't upload.

Let us know how you're doing x

invicta · 01/06/2013 20:41

Cyber hugs to you.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 01/06/2013 20:45

How are you doing Fern
I hope you're giving the bastard hell.

Fern65 · 01/06/2013 21:13

Thank you for all the advice and hand holding Thanks

I haven't uploaded the photo to FB and I know it would be the wrong thing to do. Despite all my nerves I have confronted h and I was surprised at how calm I managed to be. I asked him for more details about their friendship and he spouted the usual rubbish. A bit more pressure revealed that the friendship is very close and that he has a connection with her. He loves her as a friend.

I asked what they talked about as "friends" and was told it was the usual stuff. He was waffling and waffling until I asked him if he thought it was appropriate for friends to send photos of themselves in their underwear. Up until that point he had no idea I had read his phone. There was a very long silence.

Anyway, he thinks it's ok to love someone as a friend and appreciate them by posting complimentary things Hmm He admitted the photo was inappropriate but not the rest. I explained what an EA was and that he had really crossed the line. Where we go from here I really don't know. I'm in shock and I need time to think. He went upstairs and I heard him on his laptop and phone. She's still listed as a friend on FB so I don't think he's taken me seriously at all.

Sorry if I'm waffling or if this makes no sense I just can't think straight right now Sad

OP posts:
forgetmenots · 01/06/2013 21:16

Fucking hell. So, so sorry.

BriansBrain · 01/06/2013 21:21

What do you want to do Fern?

You have given him food for thought by telling him what you think but that doesn't mean he gets any choice in where you go from here, he has massively over stepped the line and deep down he knows it.

Get ready for it to be your fault and of course the anger over you looking at his phone.

I'm Angry on your behalf

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 01/06/2013 21:32

BriansBrain is right: get ready for your H to turn this whole thing around and start blaming you for the mess he has put you two in.

olathelawyer05 · 01/06/2013 21:41

Interesting 'advice' here... well, I suppose you could loosely call it that. "hope you're giving him hell" ... "upload pics to FB" ... "don't let him off the hook"...etc. What hook? Another (younger) woman has HER hooks into him, reminding him that he's a desirable male, and the only thing the OP can hope for based on this questionable guidance, is child maintenance. Give him hell, and all he has to do is look at that picture to make himself feel better.

If the OP has given up on her marriage, then the above is fine. Keep the evidence etc. - especially if you live in a jurisdiction outside the UK where 'affairs' are relevant to divorce property matters etc.

But if the OP desires to save her marriage, the above will probably just confirm her as 'the enemy' to her H - the hassle he no longer wants. I say this as a man who has essentially been in the position her husband is in now... OP needs to be more considered in her approach.

forgetmenots · 01/06/2013 21:46

If it's a marriage worth saving, they will have to work together at putting it back together. With him doing a huge amount of that work as it is him who has destroyed it. I don't doubt you're right, actually, ola - but if this is the fragility of the male ego when faced with losing his family, you can keep it frankly.

badinage · 01/06/2013 22:44

This isn't an emotional affair. It's a sexual affair where there are emotions allegedly involved. They've met up at least once to your knowledge and she's sending sexualised pictures of herself to him.

He is lying and has been lying for a long time. Tonight he admitted to only what you can prove.

Your only option in my view is to withdraw completely from the picture and take away this illusion he has been given that he can have both of you. That the choices in this are all his - and hers.

Don't think for one moment that you don't have any of your own, because you do.

You can decide right now that you're worth so much more than waiting around while an unfaithful liar has an affair right under your nose.

Better to be on your own, or with a different man who'll respect you, won't lie to you and won't be unfaithful.

But if you want this affair to end and your marriage to stand any chance of surviving, your husband has got to think he's lost you for good.

Gingerandcocoa · 01/06/2013 23:48

You have a choice now - continue to be lied to, or refuse to accept any more of his rubbish. There's nothing else to consider, there is no 3rd option.

vole3 · 02/06/2013 06:01

I can only echo the excellent advice already given.

He has checked out of your marriage, you need to close the door to him and decide what you and the children need.

You might want your husband back, but that man is gone for good, to be replaced by someone who will lie to his nearest and dearest without batting an eyelid. He is no longer your friend and you need to get some RL friends around you at this time.

Sometimes my XH will do or say something to remind me that OW is now living 'my' life, whilst usually it pusses me off mightily, I remind myself that she is the one with the man who walked out on his wife and 3 year old son after lying, minimising his actions and making me think my behaviour was unacceptable for doubting his commitment to our marriage. I now have peace of mind about my part, I can only wonder if she has peace of mind when he's out later than expected, or on the phone / web......

vole3 · 02/06/2013 06:24

I would also say by telling him to leave, you are giving him the opportunity to prove why you should choose to allow him back. If he falls short, you have lost nothing, he has lost everything.

If you let him stay, you will have the niggling doubt, is he staying because he wants to, or because he doesn't have a better option at this time.......

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/06/2013 08:52

He is having an affair, sorry.

Get tough if you really want to save your marriage.

Loss is the only thing that motivates cheaters - tell him he has to leave while you consider your options. Then cold hard reality will hit him and he should then realise that he really stands to lose you along with his home comforts.

onefewernow · 02/06/2013 10:09

I agree with mahc.

It isn't an emotional affair either. He wants a sexual relationship and just hasn't has an opportunity yet. He is clearly preparing for that, if he hasn't done it already.

He is in live with her and even going upstairs instead of comforting you is a sign he is considering his options with her.

You need to throw him out.

onefewernow · 02/06/2013 10:10

Love not live

YouStayClassySanDiego · 02/06/2013 11:50

Sorry to read that your suspicions have been confirmed, what a twat he is.

Tell him to leave while you gather your thoughts about what you plan to do in the future.

I know it'll be hard on your dc's but keeping him in the house will be torture for you.

skyeskyeskye · 02/06/2013 12:45

I agree. I am sorry that you found that, but it does confirm suspicions.

You do need to ask him to leave. He is only concerned with her and her feelings. Tell him that you are not prepared to put up with being second best and ask him to leave.

You are doing all the work running the home and she is getting all the praise.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 02/06/2013 13:31

How do you feel about him? Do you love him? Do you want to save the marriage?

Greenkit · 02/06/2013 18:01

Sorry Fern x Flowers

I guess you need to decide what you want, and then tell him

Thisisaeuphemism · 02/06/2013 18:09

Surely you are not going to tolerate this?

Ahhhcrap · 02/06/2013 18:15

The first thing he did after you confronted him was to go upstairs and log onto his computer? That, to me, shows complete disrespect! He's getting his story straight with her. You need to show him how serious this is!

He's taking the piss

Fern65 · 02/06/2013 21:54

Thank you all once again for all the messages. H and I have hardly uttered a word all day and he has not touched his phone or laptop once. Late last night I heard h take his phone out for a couple of minutes and he has deleted his FB account.

I do still love him I don't think that will change. Whatever we did together was always good. Whenever he didn't have his phone with him it was great. I would like to try and save our marriage but I just don't think I can. I am the sort of person who dwells on things a lot and the more I think about the things he told her the more I think I don't want to live the rest of my life being second best. I only read about a weeks worth of messages but I feel totally devastated about the content. The little evidence I had a couple of weeks ago was bad enough but I never expected it to have gone this far. Staying with him I will never feel good enough, I will always wonder if he has another woman somewhere and I will never forgive him.

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 02/06/2013 21:58

Oh Fern, how miserable.

You can't save this marriage on your own. He has to want to and at the moment he is too obsessed with his girlfriend to make any effort at all.

Will you get him to leave?

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