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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How does one start the 'you are terrible in bed' conversation?

102 replies

PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 11:09

That's it really.

I have a very lovely boyfriend, been together 6 mths. For the first couple of weeks sex was also rather lovely especially after my very long break

He was coming off anti depressants when we met, now totally off, and he is cheerful, normal and kind. But they left a bit of a legacy in his penis apparently, and he just could not keep it up. This frustrated and embarrassed him, and I really didn't want to put any pressure on, so til last night we have not had sex for two and a half months.

I wouldn't mind so much, but he literally has not touched me in a sexual way in that time, we kiss and cudde a lot, but it's like he can't put his hands below my neck. And this is a man that says he loves boobs and often comments that mine look nice.

So, last night. He has been to docs and has the blue pills, took him a while, but he did it. Excellent. HE STILL DID NOT TOUCH ME.

Excuse the TMI but: We were in bed. Tshirts on. We kissed a bit, I felt him getting hard on my leg, he said 'it's working' kind of lifted me on top of him (I'm tiny, hes massive and strong). I wasn't quite ready, could have done with a bit more warming up, you know? But I didn't want to spoil the boner, so managed. Rode him for a bit, he lay there eyes closed. I got a bit bored and got off. He got on top for a bit. He came. Rolled off, said thank you. Spooned to sleep.

I feel bloody cheated. I wanted actual sex and an orgasm all of my own not... well whatever the hell that was. Rubbish.

How do I tell him? I know he knows what to do, he did it when we first met. I want him to keep doing it. HELP.

(Everything else relationship wise is great btw, he shares money/housework when he is at mine/buys food etc.)

OP posts:
DoingItForMyself · 23/05/2013 11:19

I'm not sure there's ever a good way to start a 'you're terrible in bed' conversation! Caul you give him the benefit of the doubt this time, sounds like he was very preoccupied with being able to keep it up himself and wanted to concentrate on that. Now you both know that it works, next time you can concentrate on it being more fulfilling for you too. I think any form of criticism can only do harm at this stage, so keep it encouraging and guide him. If he carries on being selfish then have a talk about your expectations fromsex, but I think it's early days to be writing him off altogether. I do feel for you though, must have been very frustrating.

DoingItForMyself · 23/05/2013 11:19

Caul? Could obviously.

MrsSpagBol · 23/05/2013 11:20

Since he has done what you liked before, I think that you should try and have sex again.

If he does this again, then I think you can have a light hearted convo along the lines of "i really liked it when you used to...."

He might have been v v v v nervous last night and completely worried about his performance and sort of forgotten about anything else? you

nenevomito · 23/05/2013 11:22

I know I should be more sensitive, but I'm crying over the fact that the first person to answer is called DoingItForMyself.

Seriously - if the sex is shit 6 months in, its not going to get better. Have the conversation, but unless you're prepared to have a relationship without the physical side, you may want to think about moving on.

MrsSpagBol · 23/05/2013 11:23

LOL babyheave!!!

Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 11:24

Ok, I'm possibly being a bit hasty and mean? I guess it's just massive disappointment. I'll say nothing and see what happens. But if I say nothing he might think that was ok. And it wasn't.

Benefit of the doubt though. Good job I've the patience of a saint...

OP posts:
Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 11:26

Grin @ babyheave

Yes, I know, but there has been a reason (the anti depressants and their legacy, which can take ages to wear off), and he has gone and got it sorted eventually ... and he's lovely, and I fancy the arse off him, and in every other way is is an absolute keeper. I cna't live with not sex though. It is a rubbish situation.

OP posts:
LadyMaiBlossom · 23/05/2013 11:27

Try a few more times and see what happens?

Dont forget to communicate during sex -some men need a road map Wink

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 23/05/2013 11:27

It sounds like he was incredibly nervous about his equipment working, and that's what his focus was on. Once he gets his confidence back then I don't see why it shouldn't be good again.

Kormachameleon · 23/05/2013 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 23/05/2013 11:30

The thing is, this will be one of two things.

He is either a selfish lover, who paid attention to you in the beginning but isn't going to put the effort in anymore;

Or he's been under a lot of pressure, and was very worried about his performance last night. It could improve, with time, as he gets his confidence back.

In the first situation, you'd need to mention it because he won't change. The best you'll ever get is him putting effort in occasionally when you pull him up on it.

In the second, he needs time to get that confidence back, and criticizing his performance (however nicely you do it, that's what it'll feel like) will make it worse. You coud end up back at square one.

It seems better to wait it out, encourage him and show him what you want, rather than risk worsening the problem.

Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 11:35

Harsh Korma! I do actually like him quite a lot Grin.

Any suggestions on gentle ways to encourage a bit of touching ME while he regains confidence? I don't suppose me saying "Yep. BRILLIANT" afterwards while dripping with sarcasm and only sarcasm sadly helped with the old confidence. But I don't think he heard. I need to draw up this road map...

OP posts:
WhiteBirdBlueSky · 23/05/2013 11:40

If he's been having erectile difficulties then I do think it's a bit harsh to immediately have the 'no fireworks for me' conversation the first time he's got it up.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 23/05/2013 11:41

I think focusing on you more could actually help if he's nervous. Becomes less all about the PIV side of things. You can talk about these things without heaping the pressure on. From my experience, it is less likely to be a problem if he knows that you are supportive and aren't going to be pissed off with him if he can't keep it up. So, I would broach it, but not in a "That was shit" kind of way but "How about you focus on me a bit so there isn't the pressure on you performing?"

kotinka · 23/05/2013 11:42

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kotinka · 23/05/2013 11:43

This reply has been deleted

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Lovingfreedom · 23/05/2013 11:45

OK so you've been together 6 months, 2 and half months of which no sex and then this performance (eyes closed, no touching below the belt, no foreplay and roll-off after he's had enough)...I don't think he's ready for a girlfriend at the moment, for whatever reason. Move on.

Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 11:56

LovingFreedom - I see how it looks yes, but everything else he does indicates the opposite, and I am Queen of Red Flag Spotting, I think...

I'm Grin at your prudish phone kotinka. LOL

I'll wait it out a bit longer. I wonder if he'll take another pill tonight, as he is staying and then I wont see him til Sunday. Hmm.

Thank you for all your advice, I feel a bit better, and like it may get mended. Does anyone actually have personal experience of getting back on track after ED?

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 23/05/2013 12:00

But it's nothing to do with ED if he can't be bothered with your pleasure/orgasm is it?

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces · 23/05/2013 12:01

Firstly, OP, I love the name and the way the scriptwriters have manipulated us into rooting for Tiger, which has inspired my own, necessary name change.

Since getting together with Bloke 4 months ago, problems with PE, cramp at PIV orgasm, and variation in hardness during our mutual fun and games have made for an interesting time, somewhat similar to yours.

Blimey, that's as much as I can write for my first post. Will just say that we are both achieving sexual satisfaction, but also not able to do all that we want to do.

Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 12:02

Well, that's what I'm not sure about. Why he's not trying with me, yes. But like other people has said he's nervous/lost confidence etc.

But yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 12:05

I had to have a new name for this naturally Felps I love Lillian but she needs to stay with Tiger she really does

Hmm. So you have still been, um, messing about a bit? For want of a better phrase. We've been sleeping together most nights but with no touchy feely. I'm finding that as odd.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 23/05/2013 12:08

TBH the ED is the least of your problems here. Presumably his hands, tongue etc work ok? If he's not willing to use them then get shot of him...

kotinka · 23/05/2013 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces · 23/05/2013 12:26

A few background facts.

Lovely Bloke and I are in our v early sixties. (God that looks awful written down). Before we got together I thought I was past all that. But now it feels like we are teenagers, helped by the fact that we only stay at one another's a couple of times a week, if that. The teenager thing is helped partly because he is v v good at heavy petting (that awful phrase), esp by touching boobs, which I love. But this, though he brings me to orgasm that way Blush just makes me want other stuff as well. So I find myself in a state of satisfaction and frustration at the same time. Just like a teenager! This is fine - for the time being.

Phew! It is weird writing this.