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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How does one start the 'you are terrible in bed' conversation?

102 replies

PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 11:09

That's it really.

I have a very lovely boyfriend, been together 6 mths. For the first couple of weeks sex was also rather lovely especially after my very long break

He was coming off anti depressants when we met, now totally off, and he is cheerful, normal and kind. But they left a bit of a legacy in his penis apparently, and he just could not keep it up. This frustrated and embarrassed him, and I really didn't want to put any pressure on, so til last night we have not had sex for two and a half months.

I wouldn't mind so much, but he literally has not touched me in a sexual way in that time, we kiss and cudde a lot, but it's like he can't put his hands below my neck. And this is a man that says he loves boobs and often comments that mine look nice.

So, last night. He has been to docs and has the blue pills, took him a while, but he did it. Excellent. HE STILL DID NOT TOUCH ME.

Excuse the TMI but: We were in bed. Tshirts on. We kissed a bit, I felt him getting hard on my leg, he said 'it's working' kind of lifted me on top of him (I'm tiny, hes massive and strong). I wasn't quite ready, could have done with a bit more warming up, you know? But I didn't want to spoil the boner, so managed. Rode him for a bit, he lay there eyes closed. I got a bit bored and got off. He got on top for a bit. He came. Rolled off, said thank you. Spooned to sleep.

I feel bloody cheated. I wanted actual sex and an orgasm all of my own not... well whatever the hell that was. Rubbish.

How do I tell him? I know he knows what to do, he did it when we first met. I want him to keep doing it. HELP.

(Everything else relationship wise is great btw, he shares money/housework when he is at mine/buys food etc.)

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 23/05/2013 14:40

PC&T - your dog will like anyone who is nice to it and I'm tempted to say 'so will you' - that's maybe over-stepping the mark but as I've just extracted myself from a relationship with the loveliest guy ever (who I subsequently found out threatens people with shovels and sends abusive emails to strangers) I feel that I kind of can. Raise the bar to at least insist on regular genital touching from your partners!

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces · 23/05/2013 14:41

DCat adores LB!

What on earth do you mean, expat? At one point I considered posting about me and LB, but bottled it (many Thanks to pusscat for giving me an opportunity to share). If I had started a thread, it would have been just about the sex.

Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 14:45

I am going to as very nicely and respectfully for some genital touching LovingFreedom. I promise Smile. I do see your point, and I have worried about this as I have been single for a very long time after two very unpleasant relationships/men in a row. I've had lots of therapy and dated some very unsuitable men who I binned as soon as they red flagged once a bit before I met him. He really is nice, just a bit lost in this department I think, and I'm prepared to give it my best to make it good. However, this is on a time limit, and if I still feel like this and his actions haven't changed in a few months, I'm prepared for that too.

You are right about my dog though.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 23/05/2013 14:55

No man in his right mind would refuse you that if you ask nicely!...Grin...good luck!

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch · 23/05/2013 16:35

OP> MrD and I had years of ED problems, which have now been tentatively "fixed" for about a month or so. They started about a six months in, too. There's a great book by Tracey Cox called "Hot Sex" that we've found a rather useful way of having the "what do you think about trying THIS" conversations (rather than: "you're shit, and I want better"- phrasing), and it's a rather amusing read.

I don't - really - want to go into too much detail here about what's happened, but do feel free to PM if you'd like to chat.

Oh, btw, the first few times after ED were all a bit "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" too. It's nerves. Oh, and ask for Cialis in future, not Viagra. It lasts longer Wink 36 hours, rather than 30 minutes ...

gettingeasiernow · 23/05/2013 19:10

You can nip it in the bud NOW, it gets harder to put right the longer you tolerate it for. If it was just last night, just treat it a bit dismissively as if that was his "getting back in the swing of things" and make lots of encouraging noises about how he can relax knowing it'll be okay now and say you are looking forward to things being a bit more "interactive", mentioning "like it used to be" to give him confidence that it did work for you in the early days.

ControlGeek · 23/05/2013 20:22

I just wanted to post because I have been where you are now (though after many, many more years of it being bad, before we addressed it) and DP and I are now out the other side successfully. I just want to say that you (he) can do this but patience and understanding goes a long way.

The last 'drought' DP had lasted 2.5 years. The little blue pills helped tremendously to get things back on track, but the first couple of times had to be all about him. He really needed to build up his self esteem again, and to know that he could do PIV to conclusion. This meant a lot of lip biting on my part (and I don't mean in the 50 shades sense!) but was well worth it. After that we were able to bring in things like foreplay etc but he says now that he just needed to get over the mental hurdle of not believing he could do it. Having to concentrate on anything else would have been too much of a distraction.

If your boyfriend used to be hands on, I would say that there is every chance he will be again, once he's got his confidence back.

DP and I still have one little blue pill left in the house, but that's purely there as a reminder of what we have overcome. He's now flying solo and although he'll never be a five-times-a-week guy, it's at least happening several times a month. I am sure you will get there too, with a little time and teamwork. Good luck!

Lovingfreedom · 23/05/2013 21:25

I think all the advice on here is good for people in LT relationships. But while it's nice to be nice, I'm wondering why you would be just so patient and invest so much in a new relationship in which after only a couple of months there are such major issues with your sex life. I think he's asking a lot of you to stick with him through all this and yes...tbh I'd be expecting him to draw on other means if he was struggling to get/keep it up. Yes, maybe he is nervous, embarrassed etc...but I can't help thinking he's so consumed with himself that he doesn't actually care/notice whether you're enjoying yourself. And I'm not being sexist...if I couldn't have PIV sex, I'd give my partner oral sex and/or hand job etc no problem.

kittybiscuits · 23/05/2013 21:37

I'm afraid I'm with korma and lovingfreedom OP. You are being extremely generous towards him - bending over backwards to excuse him. Crap and selfish sex should not benefit his ego. If he is nervous and unconfident he should be making sure your needs are met. I would be very cautious of sticking with it on this basis. In my experience, putting up with crap selfish, shagging ultimately leads to be accused of 'having issues with sex and always being angry for no reason'. It's a really bad sign Sad and if you talk to him about it firmly and fairly, his response will give you a pretty good indication of whether or not this relationship is worth pursuing. If he says anything other than 'I'm really sorry, that was so selfish of me', then bin him.

Lovingfreedom · 23/05/2013 21:45

...or I'd stop dating for a while until I got myself sorted. I think it's a bit of a given that with a new partner you're going to be wanting sex....first night nerves etc aside...it usually starts out pretty well and it's a shame to miss out on the stage where you can't keep your hands off each other. Your mention of his plus points do make me think you've got the bar set low...so he does his share of housework (housework??) and pays for some of the food? It's not exactly setting my heart on fire so far.

Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 21:56

Noooooo! Don't be mean. Had to log back on on my phone to defend.

He's a nice guy. Really. One of the good ones. There's just this thing, which will get sorted. He was attentive and lovely, then biology went bad, and now he's all worried, and soon he won't be.

I mentioned housework and food buying to avoid the cocklodger accusations that would inevitably get thrown in on here.

But I'm going to keep you posted.

Currently he's playing skyrim and I'm playing on twitter. I don't know if downed a pill. I'm 4 glasses of prosecco down so I'm not sure I care..

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 23/05/2013 22:00

Ok - just going on what you've put so far....it's your relationship...you know if it's worth working at or not...if you're a few glasses of prosecco down it could be a perfect time to tell him what you'd like him to do Wink in a non-pressured and mutually enjoyable way of course!

Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 22:02

lovingfreedom you are giving the advice that I know I would give. Its quite annoying Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 22:07

And you lovely ladies that have shared your experiences, thank you so much. I really appreciate you taking the time to post and I'm feeling positive. and I will nip in bud etc. Massive thank you's.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 23/05/2013 22:08

Sorry I'll shut up Grin

Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 22:15

I didn't mean that lovingfreedom. Quite the opposite. You're a bit like my conscience, and I like your posts. You may well be right and I'll take that. I'm being my own devils advocate right now, if you see what mean?

OP posts:
DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch · 23/05/2013 22:18

Relationships aren't all about sex, only you know if the relationship outside of the bedroom is worth it. We had problems six months in, that went on for five years - lots of people would have walked, but we got on amazingly well outside of that one thing, so the relationship was worth sticking with. But, and it's a big but, if he's not willing to work on it himself, then it'll never work.

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch · 23/05/2013 22:18

(We're married now, btw)

singaporefling · 23/05/2013 22:22

I've had similar problems with DP... Crazy/hot for each other initially but it was ALWAYS about him... Did/tried everything...dressing up/dressing down/different approaches...but it was STILL always about him, foreplay non - existent/ little or no reciprocity... Lost the will/gave up completely years ago as it was soul-destroying/made me feel used/unattractive/frustrated...and impacted every other area of home life creating tension and friction. However, we're still together, reasonably happy, usual ups and downs... Dont want to live without him but we simply dont have sex, consequently barely touch - because if we did, he'd want a quickie and im just not going there... Sorry, am not being helpful am i, but reading your op brought it all back...

Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 22:29

DaveDee I think this is it. Everything is so GREAT, apart from this thing. And it is big for me, I really like sex, and find it to be the glue of a partnership, I was once married, in the dim and distant past, to someone I had nothing in common with but the sex was really bloody good, so I stayed in that too long. Now all the other stuff is right and... Well maybe I can just manage it?

OP posts:
Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 22:30

if it stays all about him singapore I don't think it will last. I'm not really a saint Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 22:31

And I'm not bloody dressing up for anyone. Just saying.

OP posts:
kotinka · 23/05/2013 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PusscatAndTiger4Eva · 23/05/2013 23:37

I'd never rule anything out kotinka Wink

OP posts:
kotinka · 23/05/2013 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.