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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't commit

26 replies

aglasstoomany · 22/05/2013 23:32

were do i start?
I was married all through my 20s, have a young ds and divorced my exH on grounds of 2 yrs separation. Just before i started the ball rolling with divorce I met new P. Its been a hellish 2 yrs. Started as "fun" (on my part anyway) did not want anything serious, thought we had a lot in common, both married and divorced sons similar age etc..
I had an unplanned pregnancy with him, however had a miscarriage. Lots of warning signs early on, he hurt his ex wife (mentioned in divorce) and unfortunately, he later hurt me.. pinned me to the bed. Anyway, I tried to move past it and "underneath" do love him. We have parted many times and got back together. Problem being, he doesnt give me any space, he cannot enjoy anything with planning something else straight away, constant texting etc and i cannot keep up with him, he takes offence if i dont reply and questions my every move. He HATES me going out and i have felt controlled. Ive ended it again. His ex-wife stopped contact with his son when she found out i was pregnant, he didnt work for a while due to depression however this has landed him in a lot of debt. I simply do not feel i can take all of this on. I love him, but obviously not enough. My head says NO. But... my heart.
He says after 2 yrs he wants commitment, would expect it, I just cant. So I have ended the relationship again. I feel like i have wasted my time trying to support him. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 22/05/2013 23:36

You can't commit because he is a cock.

This is not going to have a happy ending, ever.

LTB.

SugarandSpice126 · 23/05/2013 00:38

You are not being unreasonable, you are thinking logically and knowing that if you stay then things will escalate and you won't be happy... Would you really want to be with someone who hates you going out? If you're this miserable now, you're committing yourself to years more of the same..you don't deserve that. I don't think someone who pins their partner to a bed deserves anyone. And especially for your sons sake - he deserves a happy mother and a childhood free of such a controlling and hateful person. I hope you manage to stay strong and do what's best for you and your son. (And sorry if poor sentences here, half asleep!)

Lweji · 23/05/2013 06:46

Your problem is that you can't commit.

Your problem is this man.

Get rid, for your sake and of your children too.

Lweji · 23/05/2013 06:47

Sorry,
Your problem is NOT that you can't commit.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/05/2013 06:47

YANBU.... you'd be an idiot to commit to the person you describe and yes, I think you have been wasting your time. Good job it's stopped after just a couple of years. Make a huge effort now that you've split with him to stay well away. Drop all contact, make a new life, make new friends, move to a new town if you have to. It's not a question of 'not loving him enough'.... it's a question of him being completely unworthy.

MadBusLady · 23/05/2013 07:21

^ What they said, YANBU. I don't think you should really even be seeing this in terms of "love" any more, never mind "commitment". He's demonstrated that he's a violent, controlling, bullying arsehole. Anything else you need to know?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2013 07:28

You have indeed wasted your time trying to support him and he is controlling. He never wanted your help and support to begin with and such types hate all women in any case. You cannot love someone like this better or even more damagingly for you love them more to try and fix them.

Stop too with all this apart and together again crap; its been like this from the beginning. Its over now and it needs to stay finished. There should be no contact now. It has not got better, infact its got worse. You cannot act as a saviour or rescuer in a relationship, neither approach works.

Your heart does not rule your head.

If you were to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft it may well open your eyes some more as to the reality of him.

WeAreEternal · 23/05/2013 07:33

You can't commit because he is a cock.

^ this!

Get rid of this waste of space and find yourself a decent man worth committing to.

MrsBucketxx · 23/05/2013 07:38

run for the hills, he pinned you to the bed?

major red flag, there are so many nice guys out there why waste your tine witb someone who isn't right,

MrsBucketxx · 23/05/2013 07:39

oh yanbu,

Lovingfreedom · 23/05/2013 11:53

What everyone else says...don't commit....sounds like a nightmare. Get rid of him pronto.

Helltotheno · 23/05/2013 13:17

A resounding LTB from me... Major red flags from the start that you chose to ignore. No point trying to make this happen, it's over. Whatever you do , no baby with him! Run while you still can.....

foolonthehill · 23/05/2013 13:19

Don't commit to anything except a life free of this excuse for a man.

ladyjadie · 24/05/2013 09:47

Listen to your head, tell your heart to do one for a bit while you get sensible and remove yourself and your children from anywhere near him.

You know it, your heart will get over it, your kids won't if any one of those red flag behaviours (or new ones) pop up again.

Original poster
aglasstoomany · 24/05/2013 10:04

thank you for your replies. Probably low self esteem following divorce and being pregnant by this man has influenced how I feel. I know I cant commit to him. I want to be a truly happy mum, not one that has to get by or put on a front. He wont let go of me and keeps asking me "do i need to let go" puts me under pressure. I say yes and he cant take it, its exhausting and i am constantly on edge for the next round of begging. Why doesnt he just give up? Lweji i think has hit the nail on the head, it isnt that i cant commit, i have shown that in the past, it is that I cannot commit to HIM. Wish the feeling etc could be taken away over night... wish he would move on, or meet someone else to take it away from me..
I am well aware of red flags now, my son hasnt been affected as I have mostly kept him separate and continue to do all the nice things with my son. Its the fact my mind is distracted and elsewhere so prevents me from truly enjoying the precious time with my son.

OP posts:
wordyBird · 24/05/2013 10:08

A man like that doesn't want commitment - he wants ownership papers.

Then he can ramp up the bed-pinning, questioning, and obsessive tracking of your movements, because he'll think he's legally entitled. And then some.

Don't fall for his charm and sweet talk, unless you want a life of utter misery. Please.

MadBusLady · 24/05/2013 10:10

It sounds knackering. Time to be firmer. All the while you're still getting into conversations with him and letting him "beg", he's not taking you seriously. He's messing with your head because he enjoys it. Tell him you're not interested any more and he's to leave you alone. Block his number, don't answer the door to him, don't get dragged into conversations. You owe him nothing. If he keeps harrassing you, tell him you'll report him - and then if necessary do it.

wordyBird · 24/05/2013 10:10

X post...Stay strong, aglass... he might keep this up for a while, but you are definitely doing the right thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/05/2013 10:12

"keeps asking me "do i need to let go" puts me under pressure. I say yes and he cant take it, its exhausting and i am constantly on edge for the next round of begging"

You have to disengage completely. Ignore the begging and don't respond, not even to say 'no'. Any response from you, however final you think you are being, will be treated by him as an 'in'. An opportunity to restart the browbeating. Block your phone or screen your calls, don't answer to texts or e-mails, and if he turns up at your door call the police and have him removed.

LemonPeculiarJones · 24/05/2013 12:07

If you commit to this man, you will endanger yourself and your DS.

Stay strong. Your emotional attachment to him is nothing to trust. It's habit, need, lack of self-esteem, confusion, the result of his manipulation, and also undoubtedly due to your kind and forgiving nature.

But to forgive him would be an act of cruelty to yourself. And an act of cruelty to your child.

Leave him, cut contact. He has no power over you.

Good luck.

Original poster
aglasstoomany · 29/05/2013 00:53

thanks for your replies, i know you are right. He still hasnt given up. We were apart a couple of months and he has now thrown into to equations he met someone else, but nothing happened..hmm.
I said to not contact me at all and he hasnt given me a choice by turning up, i have listened. He has now suggested we go to counselling as he'll do anything as he loves me so much. He said he was heartbroken, lonely etc.. he said she was "rebound" however then said nothing happened?
He says he values my friendship and doesnt want me to have a bad opinion of him in future. He said not to even get back together but for someone to explain our relationship.
dont know what to do, whether to consider it and still run for the hills, knowing i have given more of myself to him iyswim? more hurt? I am angry and not sure i believe nothing happened with this woman. I have since slept with him, makes me feel sick

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 06:33

You're being bullied. You're still engaging with this man when you shouldn't be. You're allowing him to weave his sob story because you feel lonely. Please fully detach for the sake of your own self-respect and well-being. All the time you remain in contact, the more he gets to hurt you. Do not even entertain counselling with a cruel and manipulative man.

Walkacrossthesand · 29/05/2013 07:33

It's never too late to withdraw. The fact that you've found it hard, opened the door to him, had sex with him - none of that forces you back into a relationship with him. Pick yourself up, take the advice above re blocking him out, and do it. You really do not need another man to 'take you away' - it's very likely, in your present frame of mind, that you'll make a bad choice of bloke. Do by yourself, for yourself - post on here whenever you weaken, there's usually someone about! Grin

Original poster
aglasstoomany · 30/05/2013 00:22

hi, feeling so low and worn down :-(
yes im feeling lonely and detached..
he would not let me out of his car the other day, kept on driving told me "we are going on a journey" i was trapped with him and so scared. He obviously went into a different zone. I am withdrawing, even when with I see him. I feel numb. Not sure if he has lied and i feel sick to think he was with someone else.. although he says he didnt sleep with her. Im not after another man, I feel so hurt and really feel like i will never get over this relationship

OP posts:
wordyBird · 30/05/2013 00:46

Hi aglass. Sorry you're feeling low.

It's not surprising, though, because you're being manipulated, stalked and abused.

Trapping you in the car is dangerous....your fear told you this. I know someone who was trapped in a car, though her 'lovely' husband was more explicit in his intentions - to crash it with her in it. She escaped. Just.

Loving people don't do things like that, so please try to ignore his heartbroken, lonely, loves you so much talk, because sadly it's just talk :(

And please don't get in a car with him again! Also (this will be hard ) insist on no contact. You don't have to answer the door because someone knocks on it, or listen because someone speaks, though we're all conditioned to do this (women especially!) Tell him to leave you alone. Call police if he harasses you.

Hang in there aglass.... Life will get better, I promise you...