A classic problem is beyond me right now. Help.

[Mixxy]

I have opted to stay at home with DS who is 12 weeks old. DH and I are having awful arguments over woking. He says he is too tired to do anything when he ges back in. I'm at home with baby who has a medical condition that requires constant attention right now (just lots of physi al therapy-don't let it seem that he is sick). This has to be the oldest, most longstanding problem since womens lib. Help me argue my case without a fight, please.

You think getting a house cleaner solves under lying issues? What a spotless house you must live in.

It solves the issues in the same way as a spreadsheet does. What needs to change is the mentality of your husband, chores lists and cleaners are just shortcuts to getting jobs which need doing done.

I really sympathise with your original post, I'm pregnant at the moment and my SPD is killing on top of living in a country where I can't take time off work for health issues like this one. I feel awful as for about 4 months DH has had to do literally everything at home for me. He keeps telling me he isn't doing anything special, its normal.

I think you have already communicated your feelings to your husband and whether or not he will adapt only time will tell, not anyone on MN or you yourself, but I think in your exhaustion and stress with the newborn you are reading comments here in a much more negative way than i am, which is not helping the thread.

It seems what I work at impacts peoples empathy towards me. I doubt this will help. I'm a COO of one of the top 5 bull hedges on Wall St. Women are haters. None better than us Brits for this.

Its really sad that you feel this way, I've only read comments on your thread to be really empathetic towards you, although perhaps a bit defensive after you were defensive. If in your job you are used to women being aggressive towards you, be thankful that here on mumsnet you can get honest and good advice from all kinds of women, most of whom don't give a shit about money or your job.

Fwiw I see nothing wrong with hiring a housekeeper or nanny if neither you or your DH want to be sahps.

Okay despite your personal attack (and bad spelling) in reply to my first post. I will try once more.

You are obviously extremely tired. I can only imagine you are awake to post on here in what must be the middle of your night, because you have been woken by the baby again.

So I will give you the benefit of the doubt, that you are barely existing due to tiredness and sleep depravation and that is why you are being so rude to people who try to help you.
However if you can earn twice what your DH does, why isn't he taking over the Physical therapy for the baby so you can return to work. Or why don't you buy in some help, and he could continue working.
You do need to let him parent his way (even if it leads to mess etc.) and then let him deal with the consequences, so you can get some basic rest.

Relationships are not the same as business, and maybe you need to work on that. You do also need to get some sleep.

BTW very few people here are impressed by how impressive your CV is, sorry.

OP I am impressed with your CV. You don't sound like the doormat some people are making you out to be.

Did you want the time off with the baby? Have you had enough do you think?

Mixxy I'm glad you've spoken to your DH and he agrees his efforts have been less than sub-standard so far.

I do think that in the short term, the only solution is the one you've arrived at - a prescriptive approach where he's given very specific instructions to follow. That at least addresses the issue of making sure all chores that need to be done get done.

But I think that the other posters are concerned that by adopting this approach you've cornered yourself into the role of his 'manager'. Who's going to enforce this new rota? If he starts to get lazy again will you have to go nuclear again to get him to pull his socks up? That doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship and I suspect you'd quickly lose respect for him.

Where you perceive you've been given a hard time is where posters are pointing out that actually your DH doesn't sound like a very dependable partner. He did FA before the baby came along and he's doing FA now. Sure you might be able to project manage him in the short term. But longer term he's going to have to fundamentally change his attitude and - to put it bluntly - man up a bit. He's a parent now.

Don't make the mistake of doing all his thinking for him.

Go back to work. Your baby's nappy will get changed.

He did FA before the baby came along and he's doing FA now.

This is the fundamental problem OP, that his behaviour (ie being a lazy sod) has always been tolerated by you and now, when the chips are down with the new baby etc, how are you going to change that entrenched behaviour if he (an adult and parent) doesn't see himself that it needs to change? I think that's what other people see that you don't seem to. Having to manage another adult when you have children is an unbelievable PITA.

I agree with the the above poster that there's little less sexy than a big overgrown lazy baby as a partner. Given that you have been successful, how will you keep loving and respecting someone like that? Very difficult.....

Keep your bright side out by all means, but develop zero tolerance and cojones of steel :)

I was impressed with your CV :-)

You earn THAT much money and never thought of outsourcing this work? Or hiring a nanny? Really? Where is Xenia when she is needed?

And whether you are a SAHP, in your OP you said you were, but now it's your spouse, a partner who finds doing his or her fair share in life is a dick.

Am I the only one who has no idea what an "in it to win it" couple is?

OP, you do come across very unsympathetically. This could be because you're in the middle of a hugely challenging situation. Or it could just be that you don't like the other members of your gender very much. Either way, I hope you find a solution that suits your family and get the support you need.

What a strange turn this thread has taken.

FWIW, of course you need to believe in your DH because you have a new baby, you arRe exhausted and you have to believe he will pull through for you. No-one here would advocate throwing in the towel at this stage.

But speaking as someone who tried everything, and I mean everything (lists, plans, negotiations, cleaners, delegation, expecting initiative, doing it, stopping doing it) before collapsing two years later in an exhausted heap on the floor, and declaring no more, there are a couple of things to be wary of:

• you made the plan. It needs to become a joint responsibility
• he has negotiated himself the first weekend off, which suggests he really does not get how exhausted you are, or take your point about equal sharing of duties seriously. A weekend off with a 12 week old baby with demanding needs? Seriously?
• people do not fundamentally change

That said, I hope you do work it out, and if so, please do come back 6 months after your return to work and update, if only to restore my jaded faith in men.

Yeah, not sure how or why anyone - mum or dad - gets to have a whole weekend off when they've got a 12 week old baby. A couple of hours of free time is a pretty good deal at this stage.

If you are going to be serious about weekends off then let him go stay elsewhere for the weekend . Then you do the same.

No... You take it in turns to each get three to four hours break on weekends. With baby this young no one should get to disappear for a weekend.

Why can't he stay working and you pay a nanny when you go back to work ?

And a cleaner etc.

If he thinks he can have weekends off already he has a long way to go as a parent....