A classic problem is beyond me right now. Help.

[Mixxy]

I have opted to stay at home with DS who is 12 weeks old. DH and I are having awful arguments over woking. He says he is too tired to do anything when he ges back in. I'm at home with baby who has a medical condition that requires constant attention right now (just lots of physi al therapy-don't let it seem that he is sick). This has to be the oldest, most longstanding problem since womens lib. Help me argue my case without a fight, please.

@ "haters"

Good luck with it all. I think you will find having a partner who has to be reminded to pull his weight when it is completely obvious to him but he just doesn't feel like it, is nothing to do with what you earn . And that you have no idea what anyone else's financial situation is on here.

Your use of so many emotocons tells me differently. It must be exhausting being you.

You earn nowt sweetie. You gave up work to be sahm remember. Earning capacity, imho, is rarely an indicator of emotional intelligence, viz premiership footballers.

Good luck.

Thanks for the good luck wishes Jayho! Boy were you girls right! This IS a feminist website. But well done to be the first to use the word 'sweetie'. Passive -aggressive defence i s something you wear well.

'I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat.'
(Rebecca West)

Gosh! Is Feminist a dirty word in the US, like Socialist?

Not that I think that expecting a loving partner to help out with the chores (even if he is older) is particular|y feminist.

Google 'the politics of housework'. It's 3 paras written (I think) in the 1970s. It will make your blood boil. Then order the book Wifework from Amazon. Then try not to stab him whilst he sleeps, as you watch him through slitty, newly-awakened eyes...

Ah. I see the thread over took my post. Good luck working it out with your DH, glad you talked and he listened. And don't be too quick to decry the posters who have contributed less-welcome opinions to this thread. They have had this conversation with new SAHPs a dozen times, and could be your strongest and most giving supporters over the next few difficult years, should your 'talk' of this week not deliver the intended sea-change in your relationship.

Huh? You sat down and talked it through and he agrees he needs to do more and the first thing that happens is he gets a full weekend off to rest?!

Good luck getting the next weekend off, I imagine the goalposts may well have shifted by then...

nameless I go back to work in less than a month. Some help, from certain posters , I don't need.

And mommytime I'm not American. I'm a feminist and a socialist. But your assumptions are both helpful and telling. Thanks for both.

bisley I employed this strategy to make sure he cannot use exhaustion as an excuse. I will watch him exhaust himself the following weekend and he can raise no argument.

Like I said, good luck with that.

bisley I see that you have cynicism in regards the agreement. I might too. I'll let you know how it works out. Thanks for not being a total bitch about your doubts. I understand that in asking for help, I invited all this. But my damn upbeat outlook cant but help like this new plan we have employed.

Hi Mixxy. Just wanted to say well done for facing up to this situation with such a level-head. Not something I could have done with my first newborn.

And to say, yes, of course, your husband has been being an arse, but becoming a parent for the first time is a huge shock for lots of us, male and female. And, yes, of course, he should have realised that it was his time to do the heavy lifting, and it's very poor that he's been so selfish. But what's so terrible about giving the man you love and the father of your child a second chance? Why is that not feminist?

(Waits for good kicking that is surely coming Bodger's way . . .)

PS Hope your baby is doing well.

Thank you Mrs Bodger Yes he needs coaching and no I'm not happy about it. Throw a great marriage away about division if labour? I spoke abd was haerd I'm lookibh forwrd to rest of the week. I ha e my eye s open. Why other women want to attack me is probably their own issues.

I mostly lurk in Relationships, rarely post, but my admiration for the regulars, especially AnyFucker is boundless.

I have no doubt you are a high earner and high achiever. And you are trying to use the same skills that got you there within your relationship and family life e.g.
"I employed this strategy"
"win win"
You come across as someone who expects to be fully in control and to problem solve and negotiate. (I'm guessing you're in law but may be wrong)

I expected you posted here to be given advice in the same light. You were expecting responses along the lines of:

• spreadsheet / organisation chart for household chores
• suggestions for incentivising your DH
• negotiation techniques
• training advice for bringing his household and childcare skills up to scratch
• time management / 'managing energy'

You didn't get it. And you lashed out at the people who gave you the clear sighted advice that he was very unlikely to change and that he undermines you and does not do his fair share. And you went back into your usual mode of problem-solving and negotiating and agreeing strategies to 'manage' the situation.

The only way he will change is if you stop doing his shit and expect him to do his fair share. He doesn't need to be briefed or delegated to or managed. He needs to act like an adult and a parent. And he needs to be respectful of what you and your body have done over the past year.

(Also, if he earns half your salary for a job that expects him to work 36 hours straight after having a baby then he needs to leave.)

I want to bang my own head against a wall when I read about women electing to be the SAHP when they earn twice what their husbands do THIS.

If you are a feminist then you'll know this Gloria Steinem quote
"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."

Sorry you are having a truly shit time and hope your DC's therapy is going OK.

Ton I don't why asjibg adivse seems to center on or tries to guess on my job,or than the one that 'tires' my husband. I'm qnot in law, though my mother was a judge. It seems what I work at impacts peoples empathy towards me. I doubt this will help. I'm a COO of one of the top 5 bull hedges on Wall St. Women are haters. None better than us Brits for this.

Well get a housekeeper then. Problem solved.

Yes, all the women who have taken time to think about your problem and give considered replies and recommendations are 'haters'. Seriously what a waste of time.

Ton I don't why asjibg adivse seems to center on or tries to guess on my job,or than the one that 'tires' my husband. I'm qnot in law, though my mother was a judge. It seems what I work at impacts peoples empathy towards me. I doubt this will help. I'm a COO of one of the top 5 bull hedges on Wall St. Women are haters. None better than us Brits for this.

You think getting a house cleaner solves under lying issues? What a spotless house you must live in.

You're calling women haters, but MNers are not the ones treating you like a live-in servant, OP. Everyone on here has told you that you are being treated unfairly and wants for that to change for the better. You not liking some stone cold home truths does not make them haters. You're lashing out at strangers because that's easier than facing up to how badly you're being treated by your OH.

You seem to have some strange ideas about Feminism. It doesn't matter if you're Queen of the bloody world, job-wise - if you're doing all the shitwork around the home, WAHM or SAHM, and making excuses for your OH to not lift a finger, then that's not any form of Feminism I recognise. Believing that you are equal to your OH is very nice, but not helpful if you're not actually treated that way by him.

The only hating going on here is the woman-hating of your OH who sees housework and childcare as utterly beneath him. And if it's beneath him but fine for you to do, that's pretty fucking hateful. He won't even get a change of vest for his own child? I could cry for you at how he must see you as a bloody slave to even dream of treating you that way. You say you don't enable him but you so do!

I have been a SAHM for over 2 yrs. My mister comes home and everything is shared between us. In fact, he probably does slightly more than me, as I have health issues and tire more easily. When the working parent is at home, things should be 50-50. I often feel like I could fall into a coma by 4pm every day, but I can't use tiredness as an excuse to not parent my own child.

Ask yourself this - however tired you were after a full working day, would you come home and do zero around the house, virtually nothing with your child? Of course not. So ask yourself why on earth it is acceptable that he does that? Possessing a penis or being a older does not make it okay.

You need to ask yourself why you allow yourself to be treated this way. The weirdly peppy and over-bright way you talk coupled with allowing yourself to be a skivvy really indicates incredible low self-esteem underneath the surface, IMHO.

You think getting a house cleaner solves under lying issues? What a spotless house you must live in.

Mixxy, why don't you tell us what you want us to say? Because the truth is obviously miles away from what you're willing to accept and therefore help.

I judt told you that I had a great conversation with ny DH about all this. We are working it out. Why don't you tell me what dog and pony show you need to read?

Mixxy do what works for you and your family and keep upbeat. Such a lack of support from the "sisters" here. Fight one battle at a time. How mean with this "sweetie you earn nowt". You have achieved a lot and should be proud of yourself.