New partner needing 'time'

[confusedisitme]

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

Erm, enough with the troll hunting. Report if you think this is the case.

glasto Look. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you made a point, I answered it as best I could.

I'm sorry I didn't give him the 3rd degree about the Visa - at that time, he was still with his partner anyway so he just mentioned in conversation that he had applied (didn't give a date) and then when it came through, he told me. I didn't take too much notice at the time, to be honest because as I said; this was before he split with his partner.

He did say though that one of the reasons for doubting the move would be that he wouldn't be able to work again - because of the Visa thing and also his age...and that he wasn't even sure if he'd get the Visa (before it came through) as he had nothing to 'offer' Australia.

I don't know what his plans were for the partnership visa or whatever it's called - I just know he said he was going to live with her for the last 6 months of the Visa, do up her house for her while he lived there (instead of paying rent) and then after 12 months apply for the partnership visa as then they'd have been living together for the minimum time required...which was another reason he said he was worried; that if it had gone well and they wanted to stay together, he might apply for the partnership Visa and not be granted, so then have to leave and as she had already said she wouldn't even move over to the UK, the relationship would then have been over and he'd be stuffed having no house, job, etc. He also said that with the Visa he was getting, there was a clause saying he had to leave Aus after...3 months, I think?...and he had found out he could leave Australia as in fly around a bit then go back - or go to another country for a day...but either way be out of Aus for 24 hours, then free to return for another 3 months.

Don't know if that's true or not, but his explanations of why he had doubts about the move/his ex partner and why it finished in the end, made sense to me.

Not that it matters, but I'm sure it was a visitor visa he applied for, because he told me he didn't have to pay and that he had to come up with an itinerary for his stay, which he had to email or fax...somewhere (wasn't fully listening to the details).

This:

www.immi.gov.au/visas/visitor/600/

As I said, he went into so much detail that all check out, he's either a very good liar and fantasist or he was telling the truth.

To be fair I might change minor, unimportant details like ages/genders etc., to throw people off the scent if I was posting about something very personal under a NC. Not outright lies or making up stuff, just samll things so that people wouldn't automatically think 'Oh that's Fell doing a rubbish job of trying to go undercover.'

But the point of that would be that I would not then link to it and say 'here I am!!!' on another thread. Otherwise it just makes you look like a bad liar or a bit bonkers.

Cover your tracks for security by all means, but stick to one persona per saga and don't overlap otherwise it gets terribly confusing.

Although in your case OP, if anyone on here knows a woman who is HT and employs her brother as caretaker-cum-TA, you've pretty much blown your cover.

Fell which is why I gave up after a bit...very early on in the thread I think someone mentioned they'd read my other thread and then after that I thought I may as well go back to being 'me'.

Sorry...not very good at this posting on forums anonymously malarkey, can never keep track of things when I start changing minor details (and the only details I changed were the bits about the kids and my age - because me being 30 and him 58 sounded a lot worse than me being 38...well at least in my head it did, to be fair that's still a massive age gap but didn't think I'd be able to pass for being in my 40s or 50s! )

You're a baby
Sorted for Docs yet? If you are in danger of sobbing all over your GP ( been there, done that ) then writing stuff down before you go is a top tip.
Make a list of all your stuff, take it with you or all you may get out is " I want to talk about......WAIL

So I'm confused. Are you 30 or 38? Not that it matters in the scheme of things but I do think it's pretty unusual to get so hung up on two guys who are so much older than you. There are father issues at the heart of this somewhere.

I know anyone can meet and fall for someone with a huge age gap, but it seems to me that you might be subconsciously seeking them out.

Fell honestly I know it might look like that, and I did have a think about it myself a few months back when I realised I liked this guy...BUT I know it isn't that at all - I've had more dates with guys my own age and a year or two younger than 'older' men, a couple of my male friends (really close friends, known them over 10 years) have told me they like me as more than a friend, I even went on a couple of dates with a guy who is actually only 2 days older than me just before I started seeing this guy in April but the spark just wasn't there...we carried on texting for a bit (this guy knew) but we mutually decided to call it a day on anymore dates because we already felt more friends than anything else! Lol. He's a lovely man though and now we're friends, so yay :)

My immediate thought with this guy was that he was too old for me, I still think that in a way; the fact that next Sept he'll be 60 gets me a bit...well not sure how to feel about it really, BUT I do/did really like him, we had an attraction as well as a lot in common (interests, similar views when it comes to how children behave; simple things such as my DD closing her legs together when sitting on a bus, I have to keep reminding her, opening doors for people etc) and there WAS spark that went beyond physical attraction.

But anyway...no point me banging on about it because you all think I'm a crazy and he's a letch, anyway :P xx

Oh and Katie - I think I will write it down, feel weird going in there with a 'speech' but it needs doing, stuff ''falls out' of my brain on a fairly regular basis since having children! :)

Fell - how do you know how 'hung up' I was on my ex, out of interest?

I'm 30. My ex was a one-off, though; a bit of a wannabe 'punk rocker' as he used to call it, all Mohawk and mad drinking all Sunday...yes ok not the best father material ever, but when I met him he certainly didn't act 43!

Or look it.

And this guy...yes he's almost 59 but he looks (even my mum said when she saw a pic of him) late 40s/early 50s (which I know is still 'old' for me) and acts it too. He keeps himself very in shape, wears hoodies and jeans (but ones that suit him, not like mutton dressed as lamb!), he's quite spiritual (as am I) so we did seem to 'suit' each other in that sense.

Well I assume that if you have managed to have three children over 5 years with a man who has not spent more than 9 months in anything resembling a proper relationship with you then there would be something bordering on a dogged obsession there.

I take it you've been in an abusive relationship?

The fact I was abused by a family member has nothing to do with the fact I later got involved with a violent and controlling man, in my opinion. He was a very good liar - as a lot of them are - to the point that when I got him arrested for strangling me, the police officer (female) interviewing me said "to be fair, he does come across as a very charming man".

No one would have stood a chance in knowing what he was really like, previous abuse or not.

Some of the things you think you have in common sound rather odd, e.g your DD keeping her legs together on a bus. Is this for real?

The fact I was abused by a family member has nothing to do with the fact I later got involved with a violent and controlling man, in my opinion.

I disagree. It has left you with very low standards for relationships.

Oh for goodness sake!

Scrazy - No. Generally when you say 'for example', you are giving general ideas as to your school of thinking.

Therefore, I meant the general standards of manners/behaviour that I believe children should have; WHICH INCLUDE my daughter sitting properly on the bus - relatively straight, legs closed, not slouching around like some children I see - as well as opening and holding open doors for people (adult or child), p's & q's, that kind of thing. He shares with me.

We DID NOT have an in-depth discussion about that one thing you mention - it was part of a conversation I was having about autism, actually.

garlic - you can't make an assumption like that as you haven't seen the other people I've dated or been out with, have you.

And if anyone DOES think it's strange that I don't believe little girls should sit there with their legs wide open at any age then I'm sorry, but it's how I feel. I believe girls should be as 'proper' as possible, I also don't like seeing them in bikinis, hotpants or anything like that either - you can blame my 'past', but I just prefer to see children looking and acting like children.

Same goes for my boy picking his nose and spitting (which he's never done, thankfully) - I don't think that's a particular 'gentlemanly' (for want of a better word) thing to do, either - so I've taught him not to.

I've received very compliments on my "delightful" children so can't be doing too much wrong, despite my apparent shocking parenting - such as 'making' them go to bed for 7pm (my eldest asks to go to bed at that time, believe it or not!) and bringing 'random' men home.

This guy is the first man that has EVER been in my house, even friends don't come in because I've not wanted to have the children confused.

Sounds good re the GP prep.

see this is what I don't get OP - you've been in an abusive relationship but you are happy to rush you and your family into another Allowing a stranger into your home and lives

Yes but I didn't see him as a stranger, really (I know, silly).

We'd been talking via email (very lengthy conversations about everything) for a few weeks before we met up, I'd known him from school anyway for 5-6 months before that and as I said the kids 'know' him from school anyway.

However, I fully admit and realise that the way I went about it was far too rushed and very stupid.

But I can't really change that now, can I.

What the absolute fuck is about all I can manage. This is so fucked up it's unreal. And if it was real, well it's not so it's pointless my continuing this sentence.

Missed some pages on this now, so what have you chosen to do with caretaker op??

Not much...haven't contacted him since about 8pm last night, which I realise is only 24 hours but more than I usually manage.

He hasn't contacted me either, but we did end on a bad note last night so err...I think it's over.