New partner needing 'time'

[confusedisitme]

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

Just leave him alone. he has said he wants space, give him it. You sound like an absolute head fuck, needy clingy,manipulative and obsessive. I hope to god he doesn't keep rabbits.
Seriously grow up. back away from this mess and put your kids first, go get some counselling to sort your issues out, because you are so NOT ready for any relationship at the moment..
Though I doubt you will take any notice of this advice as you have chosen to ignore it from everyone else up to now.
You seem to think you can wait two weeks 'to prove you are normal' then he will come back. Your behaviour is far from normal , How long do you think you can keep up this 'normal' act before you are blowing hot and cold and demanding he jump to your attendance, then telling him to fuck off when he gets there ' to prove how much he likes you'
I am drained just reading your posts. God knows how drained he must feel after putting up with this crap for 4 weeks.

You shouldn't be in any relationship until you've sorted yourself out.

I'm not delusional and I don't hallucinate.

So no....I don't think it is BPD.

Theres a saying
"you can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter'
And you are rolling this turd of a relationship in the biggest pile of glitter you can find. But underneath, its still a turd

I feel sorry for you. I see a lot of myself in you actually... after my ex dh left me I dived straight into dating and Fwb type relationships, I was actually extremely depressed and having a bit of a mid life crisis if I am being honest. I would never have admitted that at the time.... I was "having the time of my life". Yeah right.

I had a guy mess me about exactly like you do now. In the end I just cut him out of my life completely and was totally single for ages.

Then, when I felt a bit stronger and didn't need a man, just thought it would be nice,I went online dating and met the man who is now my dh. I knew instantly how wrong the others had been. He would never mess me about at all.

Life is too short to waste on the wrong people.

Put yourself and your dc first.

Sorry, but I have to pull you up on assuming that BPD is characterised by delusions and/or hallucinations. Although those symptoms can be present, they are by no means present in all sufferers.

From the NHS Direct website:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can cause a wide range of symptoms which can be broadly grouped into four main areas.

The four areas are:

?emotional instability (a psychological term for this is affective dysregulation)
?disturbed patterns of thinking or perception (psychological terms for these are cognitive or perceptual distortions)
?impulsive behaviour
?intense but unstable relationships with others.

Each of these areas is described in more detail below.

Emotional instability

If you have BPD, you may experience a range of often intense negative emotions, such as:

?rage
?sorrow
?shame
?panic
?terror
?long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness

You may have severe mood swings over a short space of time. It is common for people with BPD to feel suicidal with despair and then feel reasonably positive a few hours later. Some people feel better in the morning and some in the evening. The pattern varies, but the key sign is that your moods swing in unpredictable ways.

Disturbed patterns of thinking

There are three levels of disturbed thinking that can affect people with BPD. These are ranked according to severity:

?upsetting thoughts, such as thinking you are a terrible person. You may not be sure of these thoughts and may seek reassurance that they are not true
?brief episodes of strange experiences, such as hearing voices outside your head for minutes at a time. These may often feel like instructions to harm yourself or others. You may or may not be certain whether these are real
?prolonged episodes of abnormal experiences, where you might experience both hallucinations (voices outside your head) or distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of (such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you). These types of beliefs may be psychotic (delusions), and a sign you are becoming more unwell. It is important to get help if you are struggling with delusions

Impulsive behaviour

If you have BPD, there are two main types of impulses you may find extremely difficult to control:

?an impulse to self-harm, such as cutting your arms with razors or burning your skin with cigarettes. In severe cases, especially if you also feel intensely sad and depressed, this impulse can lead to feeling suicidal and you may attempt suicide
?a strong impulse to engage in reckless and irresponsible activities, such as binge drinking, drug abuse, going on a spending or gambling spree or having unprotected sex with strangers. Impulsive behaviours are especially dangerous when people are in brief psychotic states, because they may be much more likely to act impulsively if their judgement is impaired.

Unstable relationships

If you have BPD, you may feel other people abandon you when you most need them or get too close and smother you.

When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. They may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:

?constantly texting or phoning a person
?suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
?physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
?making threats they will harm or kill themselves if that person ever leaves them.

Alternatively, you may feel others are smothering, controlling or crowding you, which also provokes intense fear and anger.

You may then respond by acting in ways to make people go away, such as emotionally withdrawing, rejecting them or using verbal abuse.

These two patterns will probably result in an unstable ?love-hate? relationship with certain people.

Many people with BPD seem to be stuck with a very rigid ?black-white? view of relationships. Either a relationship is perfect and that person is wonderful, or the relationship is doomed and that person is terrible. People with BPD seem unable or unwilling to accept any sort of ?grey area? in their personal life and relationships.

For many with BPD, emotional relationships (including relationships with professional carers) involve ?go away!/please don?t go? states of mind, which is confusing for them and their partners. Sadly, this can often lead to break-ups.

Wow. Because I have a LOOOOOOTT of time on my hands, I copied this entire thread and put it in a word document. I was curious to see how long it has become. It is more than 40 000 words!!!!!

This is a fucking novel, this is.

I "only" count 31000. A small novel. :)

I think its a lovely cuddly rom com

Well...I texted him earlier asking how he was and he replied, I then apologised for acting like a total loon recently and he said "you're not a loon and I have missed you. My only concern is that I'm not sure that we do have a long term future so do we take the risk and try and get on, and find out if we actually do have enough in common".

I said it depends what he means and his reply was "The trouble is I do want a long term relationship but I'm no longer sure I'm actually capable of having one" - when pressed on what he meant, he said "commitment. And not getting bored".

He then sent "I do like your company...when we're not arguing and I do like sharing ur bed and making love to you..but I FEEL really guilty if there is no long term intent. So I'm fucked basically".

I then asked why he hadn't agreed when I said all those times that I knew he only wanted a casual thing, and he said "Because I don't want to be the kind of person who just has casual relationships"

So then I asked where we go from here, if he was sure he doesn't want a proper, long term relationship with me then what does he want if anything, his reply: "I don't see how I can want anything. It's my internal conflict that's the problem".

So - just wondering...was all that his way of saying he just wants sex with me but nothing more, or him saying he doesn't want anything form me at all but just letting me down gently?

I know either way it's fucked but just curious.

He's telling you that he has enough personal awareness to know he cannot sustain an adequately healthy relationship.

it was just his way of saying he's incapable of having a LTR with anyone but was hedging his bets to see if he could still have a shag now and then without feeling guilty about it, because he's admitted the small print disclaimer re:commitment and boredom.

please concentrate on yourself and your DCS and don't spend so much time obsessing about this dysfunctional 'relationship' anymore.

Glittery turd...

OP - please. Walk away, move on, let it go, whatever.

How do you have the time, energy, enthusiasm for all this drama?

Relationships aren't meant to be like this.

Let go. Please.

How does anybody know that they want a long term relationship with someone after just a month.

That's the whole point if getting to know one another is it not??

what a load of angst-ridden melodrama over nothing.

who IRL actually says "its my internal conflict thats the problem" anyway?

50 shades of beige

He is a school caretaker who says shite like 'it's my internal conflict that's the problem'

This reads like the worst kind of shitlit.

Getorf, to be fair, he does also run the school tuck shop.

I am not sure how discreet you have been in carrying out this relationship, OP, but you must certainly be very identifiable in your neck of the woods by all the details you describe here.

OP why is it up to him what happens here? No matter what he said in that text conversation you bounced it right back to him to make the decision.

You don't even sound like you like this man with the way you act towards him and yet you are so passive about what happens to you.

And kissing and telling (the whole world) will add a whole extra layer of drama to the dynamic. Maybe put looking up the word "discretion" on your "to do" list, OP. Just saying.

And a big thank you, CinnabarRed, for your post with important information.

Can I make a suggestion? Remove his number from your phone. Hopefully you don't know it by heart and then you won't be able to text him. I would bet that if he doesn't from you that you won't hear much from him.

You need to stop contacting him.