New partner needing 'time'

[confusedisitme]

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

Yes but hamster he's said that before then gone back on it, as have I.

Seraphim - yes, but if I realise it, I can change it.

Well you've had a great deal of very good support and advice today.

I have to leave this thread now.

I have no idea what the fuck you are getting from this. It is all seriously fucked up.

you're not depressed you're deranged. your poor kids.
he's said it and gone back on it- all this flip flopping and arguments within a month. poor bloke probably doesn't know if he's coming or going,you are abusing him and gaslighting him that will be why maybe he's scared you will kill yourself if he dumps you. don't know about arse the guy sounds like a saint to me

ok lets try another way. you were a dick, it was all your fault you're meant to be together really you can have a wonderful life together. just act normal send him a joke text, relax and everything in the garden will be rosy, your kids won't be remotely fucked up by any of the drama

You sound like you have some serious problems and you need to get help, op. I say that as someone who is on antidepressants herself and has been known to say some shit things.

But you need to stop luxuriating in it all. As Aldous Huxley said, rolling in the mud is not the best way to get yourself clean.

You think this guy wants to be with you. There must be something fucked up in his personality if he wants to be with somebody as damaged as you make yourself sound. Seriously, you need to get rid, for your own sake as well as that of your kids. You need to get help for their sake too.

Hamster said what I didn't want to. He is scared you will do something and that is why he is trying to let you down gently. Get some help, please.

Is this you again that fancied the teacher at your kids school and also had the relationship with the guy who was moving abroad?

OP you've declared your undying love for this man, you are persisting on pursuing a relationship with him and taking crappy excuses as being all your fault and you've known him a grand total of 4 weeks - how do you know he's not an abuser like your ex? I presume like many abusers your ex was very charming and loving in the beginning. You DON'T know this man!

Not with this bloke. You've fucked it up.

Seriously OP are you in the middle of a mental health crisis situation at the moment. You should call someone.

Hello, Confused.

This may come out as utter waffle, but i'm shattered, so bear with me.

I'm also a single parent (albeit just to one child, who happens to have autism) so i know how difficult the whole dating thing is.

My (abusive) ex left when dd was 2 weeks old and hasn't been in touch since. She's now 5 1/2 years' old.

I've had a few first dates, one one-night-stand, but nothing more.

I understand that having him over to your house is the easiest way for you both to meet up. Childcare is difficult/expensive, and you can't very well stay over at his when you have three children. However, i think it would have been best if you delayed having him stay over, or that you carried on waking him up early to leave before the children awoke in the morning.

You say that one of your children saw you and your boyfriend together one time (kissing mummy comment) and that your child hasn't brought it up again/mentioned it. Why haven't >you< mentioned it?

If my 5yo daughter saw me kissing a strange man - or worse, her janny! - and she was silent about it, i'd be worried sick. The first thing i'd do is sit her down and explain the situation, not ignore it.

I also wouldn't allow a strange man - or her janny - to stay over at our house without having introduced them properly. What if she tried to sneak into my bed at night and found a man lying there? She'd be terrified.

And i wouldn't want to introduce her to a man until i was confident we were in a solid relationship, so probably not until the fourth month of dating. If he can't wait that long before staying over at mine, then he isn't worth keeping. I'd maybe suggest going out for the day with boyfriend and daughter, doing something like lunch at a cafe, or bowling, and then introducing him as a friend. And i'd make sure she was aware he might be sleeping over at our house sometimes.

If one of your children have SN, (i'm presuming autism, sorry if i'm wrong), then i would have thought preparing them for new situations would be really important for their well being. Seeing a stranger in your house, touching your mother, is an upsetting thing for any NT child to witness, let alone one with autism.

IMO, you would benefit from counsiling. You have a lot of issues. As far as i can tell, his biggest issue was coming on too strong to start with, without getting to know you properly. And now that he's gotten to know you and your 'quirks', he's had a change of heart and is trying to back out without hurting you.

This is exactly why you shouldn't rush in and introduce flings or brand new partners to your kids. At least wait until you both get to know each other first.

My daughter is absolutely obsessed with having a dad. It's heartbreaking. She's never had one, and is always begging me to get married so she can have a father.

I know that if i introduced her to a man, she'd cling on like a leech and see him as a dad figure right away. This is why i'm determined not to introduce her to anyone until i'm certain it's a strong relationship. One that i'm confident will last.

I think you have put yourself first in this situation instead of putting your children first.

If you're talking about being suicidal etc, i'm assumng you're depressed? Your children will undoubtedly already be picking up on your MH issues, and this janny-thon will just be another thing for them to be fretting over.

Take time out from men and focus on your own health and your children's.

Send a simple text (or better yet, phone him), 'It's over, neither of us are emotionally ready for this right now,' and then move on with your life.

There's only another hour of today left; why not make tomorrow a fresh start?

That was a very senstive post mumford and I hope OP listens x

You sound like a nightmare
He sounds like a nightmare
This 'relationship' sounds like a nightmare
The whole thing is a huge, pointless mess. Just stop. Think about your children. They need you present with them, not pratting about having drama filled teenage angsty relationships with utter knobjockeys. Grow up.

Jesus Christ. OP I started off feeling sorry for you but ended up feeling for the poor bloke and your kids.
You remind me very much of a now-ex friend who was a perfectly ok person albeit a bit flaky in the relationship department, I thought, until she got together with my OH's pal (also a decent bloke but a bit flaky blah blah blah) and they've now been at it for more than 5 years. More off than on and I've lost count of the number of cans of paint thrown at cars, frozen fish pies, eggs at windows and police visits involving two counts of domestic violence and one assault charge (which she admitted she brought to "teach him a lesson for leaving her"). None of their friends would invite them round because we were never sure whether they'd be having sex at the table or throwing plates at each other, so now they have no mutual friends, only separate ones. She used to use me as a sounding board and her convos went exactly - EXACTLY - the way that you are sounding. I told her time and again what every poster on here has told you. She endlessly analysed every word, every text, every action...had every kind of counselling and therapy....it was just exhausting, really it was. i thanked the gods there were no kids involved. I had to walk away in the end, I was sick and tired of listening to different variations of the same story time after time. Like you, she would only listen to what she wanted to hear. After a while I came to conclusion that she was a complete fucking nutcase, I'm sorry to say. And you are sounding exactly like her.

If one of my kids saw me kissing the Jonny they would completely freak out.
This doesn't add up at all.
.

You had a non relationship with an unsuitable oddball man whom you treated very badly.

He dumped you and you are trying to figure out ways to play it to "make things work out. "

IT S NEVER GOING TO WORK OUT. THERE IS NOTHING TO WORK OUT. THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP .

OP I think you need psychiatric help

Damn you, autocorrect. Janny, not Jonny.

Hahaha! Kissing the jonny. That would freak out the best of us, I'm sure.

Wouldn't it be fun if the Janny was called Jonny ?

Oh my. This thread has given me a headache...

Hello, confusedisitme. Sorry, it is you.

I apologize, I did not read the whole thread....jumped from the end of page 7. And I do not think I have had the experience of reading your other threads either.

In the beginning, your OP, I was of the opinion LTB. Christo Red Flags. But then, by page six, the shift of thought of why hasn't he dumped you yet? Coming to the end to see that, I am not surprised. Sorry.

I do not watch day time soap operas, do you? Is that the template you use for your relationships? ...including being the victim of abuse (sorry in advance), but having such a template would cross the entire spectrum.

Real people, real life circumstances, just don't behave this way. Counselling has been recommended for you to reset what normal is; please let me add to that and say that your dc will need counselling to know what normal is as well.

One clue, as I have wasted enough time here already , normal people will respect another adult enough to not pester the living shit out of them to come, or go, or come back again, or anything. No means no.

You say you might have AS traits? If so, and if you are anything like me, I am naive, easily fall in love, and can fall into obsession without realising it. I can also start arguments by mistake. Although now I am no longer depressed, I don't splurge my misery over people I think I am close to.

Of course, I could be well off beam, but if this does resonate with you, I would recommend ending this thing, and working on rebalancing your life a bit. And notice how you are getting on, emotionally, from time to time, (not constant self-monitoring).

*I am now no longer depressed, but when I was, I had a tendency to splurge...

I got as far as your post saying if I could give it a couple of weeks and see if he misses me........

For gods sake woman, I mean no disrespect here but I want to shake you and say get a grip! You're both my parents age acting like you're 12, he's been with you a month you should have frills flowers fun laughter not this crap, I'm exhausted just reading it, the man doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, he wants to keep you as a dirty little secret who behaves quietly in the corner, and you I suspect will play the part for the drama.

This man is not for you, tbh it's quite a toxic relationship, keep your dignity take charge and bin him Off.

Just read a little more, and a point of thought, if you do have mh issues; another person can't fix you, you can only fix yourself, he's admitted hes broken, I imagine after all you've been through you consider yourself the same on some level?

But you need independent help individually before you can be a happy together. Fix you first. But leave him.