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Original poster

New partner needing 'time'

951 replies

confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 15:54

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:12

I've said already many times...I got my ex (father of my children) arrested after he strangled me to near-unconsciousness whilst I was 6 months pregnant, he got 18 months probation and at the end of the probation, my ex came out and told me proudly that his probation officer had said he had no empathy whatsoever.
So I think that proves how...sub-human the man is.

Having been with someone like that, who will regularly swear blind he's on his way over and then just not turn up, but sound so convincing about it, it was difficult me when I met this other guy.

This guy has always been complimentary - even during an argument, as I said when I asked him to do things he did them, has only not come over when he's been too tired to do so (and even then has come over when I threatened to finish things), has put up with me saying he's crap in bed - which wasn't true, I just wanted to piss him off, making him leave then come back, confuse the shit out of him, and last night when he was trying to leave I took his shoe and held it behind my back til he talked to me. I was quite aggressive but he sat back down and held his head in his hands...my children's dad would've hit me.

I'm not trying to place blame solely on me, but assuming he doesn't want to finish things (and I'll only know in a couple of weeks), I really want to try and be a better partner.

The other issues I need to work on...my possible depression and all that, I need to do for myself.

OP posts:
FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 21:14

This is honestly so bad for your children. Can't you see that?

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:14

forum so what are you basing that on? Just out of interest.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:16

aka what am I answering? You didn't ask a question?

OP posts:
Fuckwittery · 19/05/2013 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scrazy · 19/05/2013 21:17

You stole his shoe? I agree with others, you need to get some help, he isn't helping at all is he?

Just stop contact and go and see the doctor.

Hope you are OK.

akaWisey · 19/05/2013 21:18

I find this thread strangely addictive. I don't like Haagen Das but I like Wine.

I think OP is addicted to the feeling she gets from talking about this. If she thought we were all talking bollocks she'd have said so and long since abandoned it.

But heres the thing. The poster's you respond to OP are those whom you think will offer you another way back into the very situation you have posted about.

I can't imagine what it's like to be you. Have your RL mates any idea what's going on, and if so what do they think? they know you better than strangers on an internet forum after all.

CocktailQueen · 19/05/2013 21:18

Christ. He sounds like an arse. He should be proud to be seen with you and this all sounds so wearing. You have 3 dc already - you don't need another!! If this is hard work already, it won't get any easier! LTB! :)

Chubfuddler · 19/05/2013 21:18

You took his shoe?

Really woman can you not see how fucked up this is? You're quite young, you have needs - lovehoney can help there. But relationships should be completely off the radar for you for some time.

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:18

So...saying I want to take that risk and look a dick in 2 weeks - how will I know if he's stringing me along for sex or wanting a relationship?

Presumably, if he's ok with 'dating' but not staying over...?

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/05/2013 21:20

forum so what are you basing that on? Just out of interest.

Far be it from me to answer for forum - but I would suspect it's your previous posts which make the situation all too clear to everyone. Bar you, of course

However, bearing in mind your complete failure to take on board any of the very good points made on this post and lack of insight, I'm expecting that you'll probably decide that forum's jealous and wants some janny-love Grin

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 21:20

What akaWisey said. You want this in some strange fucked up way. Why?

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:20

I'm not interested in relationships, that's my point. I find them all an unnecessary hassle.

BUT he seemed different.

So - can someone tell me, after everything else I've told you about what I've done, give me examples of exactly how he's an arse?

I think he's reacting quite normally given how I've been treating him, to be totally honest.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 19/05/2013 21:21

Having been in an EA and DV H for predominantly the last 2 yrs of my marriage I am at a loss why you are so keen to rush into a relationship never mind one that's caused you all this shit.

What about your poor DC's don't you care about the damage you're doing to them? I truly wish you'd put the energy and effort into their needs as you do to your own and some random bloke you can't possibly know after the grand time of 4 weeksSad

Tweasels · 19/05/2013 21:21

Arrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh! For gawds sake woman listen to everything these women are telling you.

No, just bloody end the relationship, end of.

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 21:21

He's stringing you along and using you.

And you're needy so you're letting him and buying into it.

you are both as bad as each other.

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:22

At the start of the thread I was convinced he was in the wrong, being a total dick for not coming to see me and talk things through.

Then I recounted the things I had done (and there are loads more incidents like it!) and it got me thinking about myself, and how I've been feeling when he's here.

That's what has brought about this apparent change of heart.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 19/05/2013 21:22

Why does it matter whether and how he is an arse? Just put some distance between the two of you. This doesn't work. Just write it off.

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:24

I disagree.

How is he using me?!

After the first time I treated him like total shit, why did he try again?

Why did he not try and get into my knickers most of the times he's been round?

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/05/2013 21:25

Do you know what: I've had an epiphany. You're right confused. We've all just misunderstood him. He's a great catch and it's clearly true love. Hmm

There - is that's what you wanted to hear? Confused Confused

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:25

Because I think it hasn't worked because I've been controlling and manipulative, which is what I thought he was at the start of the thread...then I started thinking that actually, maybe he's tried his best to do what I want (I am quite overbearing, can you tell?) and has now given up.

However - if he has space, and if he misses me, then isn't that a sign he wants more than just sex?

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 19/05/2013 21:26

Who knows? Maybe he's as much of a drama queen as you. Maybe he's secretly doing a thesis and you're his lab rat. It doesn't matter what his motivations are. They are rubbish. So are yours. End this and act line a 38 year old mother instead of a mooning teenager.

nkf · 19/05/2013 21:26

Are you making it up?

Tweasels · 19/05/2013 21:26

It doesn't matter who the biggest dick is or who did what or who is mostly to blame.

What matters is your children's well being and your mental health and staying in this relationship will damage both of these.

akaWisey · 19/05/2013 21:27

No I didn't ask a question OP I outlined what I think is the bare bones without the drama. And I asked you to comment. But no matter because as this thread gets longer it's clear you are NOT READY TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE.

Seriously. You aren't.