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Original poster

New partner needing 'time'

951 replies

confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 15:54

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 19/05/2013 20:53

It doesn't matter which one of you is more at fault.

This is not a healthy relationship. It's not even an unhealthy relationship - it's just ... In the words of phoebe buffet, it's high school crap rather than an actual problem.

You will have an actual problem soon though if you don't stop working your way through the male staff of your children's school. Your children will be bullied about it.

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 20:53

But I'm not sure he IS game playing; the more I type out these scenarios that have happened in the past, the more I think it's me, and he's been trying to work out what the fuck is going on.

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/05/2013 20:53

(Oh, and you're not letting your ex in your home again, are you?)

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 20:54

That teacher had issues. I haven't worked my way through anything. I was talking to this guy before that teacher started and then left again (to go to a school in special measures) and according to some, he couldn't handle the paperwork involved with a school that's trying to get outstanding status.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 20:55

Lweji no idea...he's not too interested in the children so hopefully he'll just do one.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 19/05/2013 20:57

So you haven't been properly single for 4 years then? only 17 months.

I think it's time you thought and devoted your energies to your DC's. Don't you think that they deserve that after witnessing years of DV / DA? Do you think they should be dealing with all your shit and random Caretaker coming into their home?

My exh was arrested and charged with DV btw

Fuckwittery · 19/05/2013 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HamsterDam · 19/05/2013 20:57

for fucks sake. get a grip. do what mothers are supposed to do and put your kids first. what are they getting out of this ridiculous mess. get a hobby, you would enjoy amateur dramatics. you do need work, more than a couple of weeks worth though

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 20:58

I met my ex in 2006, we've only ever been together for 9 months of that time.

OP posts:
akaWisey · 19/05/2013 20:58

I think we get it.

You say you don't want a relationship but you do.

He says he wants a relationship but he doesn't.

You say you want a relationship but you don't

He says he doesn't want a relationship but he does.

In between these messages are all the fucked up drama's and, no doubt, sexual tension.

And your kids. Don't tell us they don't pick up on it. They do. Please extract yourself and do the work necessary to change things for yourself.

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 20:59

Hold on. You have 3 kids with a man you were only together with for 9 months?

nkf · 19/05/2013 20:59

Is your child's school the only place where you can meet men? And, there are usually hardly any men in primary schools anyway. You must have had most of them by now.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/05/2013 21:00

*freddie - I have eaten enough Haagen Daz for both of us Grin

confused - your "boyfriend's" martial arts training looms large in all f this. Could you send him round to karate chop me and put me out of my misery reading your responses

Scrazy · 19/05/2013 21:00

Let me just say, it's both your faults. You haven't acted well because you don't have a functional relationship with him. You wouldn't be treating him this way if you 'loved' him, would you?

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 21:01

Gobbolino - Grin ya think? I eat out of the tub....

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:02

Fuckwittery - right so do you mean he will dump me soon because of my behaviour/this mess, or because he just doesn't care about me anyway and never did?

He did make me feel happy, and safe, and secure, and he seemed to be making efforts to prove himself in a way - I told him I couldn't handle him sneaking out at 5am before the kids got up and I wanted him to meet them (stupid me I know) so he came downstairs and 'met' them. I said I wanted us to do something together out of the house like normal people, he arranged a walk in the woods and a picnic. I kept on about the face he wasn't friends with me on facebook so that must mean he was ashamed of his colleagues knowing he was talking to me, so he friend requested me.

While all this was going on, my brain was going "he makes you happy but what if he's just using you? Your ex was so convincing, how can you tell if someone's genuine or not?". So I tried to protect myself just in case.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 19/05/2013 21:02

You have a child in year 1. So 5/6 years old.

My year 1 son cannot be guaranteed to stay in his bed all night. 95% of the time he does. But there are occasions. If he woke up in the middle of the night and found the janitor in my bed I genuinely think he'd be scarred for life.

Ive left a DV relationship. Honestly the last thing your children need is more drama. Even if they never witness your little set tos with this bloke, they will notice mummy is strung out, distracted, stressed.

You need to not be in a relationship with anyone, at all, until you have seriously worked on your boundaries. And they need some of the attention you have given to this nonsense paid to them.

Honestly woman you're 38. Grow up. I mean that kindly. Truly.

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:04

Freddie - yes. He was controlling, I allowed myself to be controlled and kept going back for more. I don't regret having the children, they are the best thing that ever happened to me so please don't start casting aspersions in that way (as most people do).

OP posts:
TwoFourSixOhOne · 19/05/2013 21:05

Is this the same caretaker you had to report because you felt he was being inappropriate with you? Or was that another poster?

Original poster
confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 21:06

No, that wasn't me :)

OP posts:
akaWisey · 19/05/2013 21:06

I know there are a lot of posts coming at you but can you please comment on my last one?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/05/2013 21:10

I ate quite a lot freddie - but I put three raspberries on the top. Healthy, innit Grin

Tweasels · 19/05/2013 21:10

I've read this whole thread with mouth agape and am struggling to make any sense of what is going on.

You need to be on your own for your own sanity and the welfare of your children.

You do not have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship and I mean that kindly. This will not end well and your children will suffer.

forumdonkey · 19/05/2013 21:10

OP right I'll tell you how it is - he's using you, for sex, ego massage and whenever he's bored. He didn't want you on fb cuz he was embarrassed but he added you cuz he was horny. He's using his sister as an excuse so you don't find out that he's also shaggin the cleaner and the school cook.

sorry to be blunt but there's the answer your looking for.

ps he's probably not been to karate he's probably been giving the cleaner a good fettle and hoped / thought/ wished he could get it up again for sloppy seconds but couldn't so you had to settle for the cuddle

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 21:11

Forum Grin tell it like it is