can it really take a decade to get over a divorce?

[CarolinaMoose]

there was an article in the Guardian on Saturday by a woman who said it took her 10 years before she stopped wanting her partner back.

Am beginning to think MIL is the same - her H left her for another woman 10 years ago and she still can't bear talking about him, won't refer to him by name, hates his gf even though they've never met and she isn't the one he left MIL for. She even resents us taking ds round to see his grandad - she'd prefer it if ds never saw him .

Do many people feel this way? Tbh I find the extent of her fury pretty scary - I'd hate to be that way if dp left me.

Don't know if many people feel this way, but my mother certainly did and still does over 20 years on . I think it's to do with being left, woman scorned and all that. Trouble is she doesn't inflict her wrath on the ex, but rather on innocent bystanders (i.e. me). I've just recently started telling her to get over herself. I think it's daft attention-seeking behaviour, flouncing about being the victim for years on end.

Sorry, you hit a raw nerve there.

I suspect that it will take that long unless you find another, loving partner in the meantime. You might not stop hating your ex for what he did to you, but it probably becomes less all-consuming if you have someone else.

I guess its going to depend on how the divorce came about. If it is mutual dislike, then I think it is unlikely to take 10 years. However, if one partner feels very betrayed then I could see how it could take 10 years.
I instigated my own divorce (although ex-H had the affair) and although I know I am happier on my own, I am still coping with the outfall 2 years on.
It is a fairly traumatic event & to think you can just pick up and carry on as normal is probably extremely rare.

mine too franke. divorced 25 years ago (after being married for 20)and still as bitter and furious as if it were yesterday.... grim. wouldnt come to my wedding because my dad would be there etc etc.

My DP's ex wife wasn't left - they mutually agreed to separate over 7 years ago. Within weeks, she was out with a "friend" from work who was almost immediately introduced to the kids. There have been umpteen "friends", some of them long-term, over the years (but that's ok of course as they are apparently not boyfriends).

However, when I met DP 2.5 years after they split she went ballistic and has done her level best to ruin the relationship between DP and his kids ever since. I too am "hated" though had absolutely nothing to do with the split. The kids are made well aware of this and I am still (and always have been)spoken about by his ex as if I was the "other woman" and called disgusting names. They are told repeated lies about their dad, and the whole, continual shebang of spite, bitterness, manipulation, non-cooperation, dishonesty, interference and complete lack of common courtesy (when DP tries to communicate regarding his own children) is a huge, huge ongoing strain.

Can only assume - given her history (which hypocritically includes an affair with a very much married man, with kids, who she wanted him to leave for her) - that this is a classic case of not wanting him but not wanting anyone else to have him either. Before getting involved with DP, I could not have imagined that anyone would bear grudges (I don't know why, DP has always been scrupulously fair - in fact has bent over backwards and has often been the unwilling victim of emotional blackmail so she gets what she wants) for such a length of time.

I just hope to God - a la that article, that we only have another 3 years of all this totally unnecessary shite before DP's ex comes to her senses and gets on with her life instead of trying to ruin ours (and those of her own kids, the stupid bitch). I have a very very nasty feeling that it won't end then and she will still be "getting over" it for years to come.

Some women define themselves as being hard done by(ie left by a 'bastard'). The same women in my experience often have difficulty accepting any responsibility for their own destiny.

My mum's bf is growing old and lonely and is eaten up with resentment because she diddn't have a fairytale relationship. she's been divorced for about 10 yrs, seperated for at least15/20 years- and was VERY unhappily married (her husband wasn't exactly prince charming admittedly). She has rarely worked and thinks she deserves to be kept like a queen (she did get a very generous divorce settlement, but it's not enough)She insists on living way beyond her comfortable means and now wants her kids to support her.

The sad thing is is that if she was able to get over her bad marriage and live within her means she would be free emotionally to find a nice man and her kids would be much happier to be around her.

I think what Carmenere says about taking responsibility for your life has a lot of truth in it. The people I've known who can't "get over" a split, are those who have trouble taking responsibility for their lives in some way or another and feel hard done by.

The other group I know who can't get over it, are of course, those who are hard done by. One of the things we tend to assume as a society is that you have a divorce, it takes a couple of years for things to settle, and you then get on with the rest of your life. The thing is, one of the reasons people define themselves as being "hard done by", is because the fact that they were hard done by, defines the rest of their lives. It defines where you live, what opportunities your children have, what education they have, what people they meet, whether they ever have a holiday in their childhood - it is very difficult not to define yourself by that one event, because the event has lasting, major results on the rest of your life and those of your children. Looked at that way, 10 years looks like a conservative estimate!

Someone once described it to me thus: "it's like losing an arm. You don't get over it - you learn to adapt to it and you get used to it. But it always affects what you can do". I guess how strongly it affects you, is to do with attitude, luck and opportunity.

Wise words Caligula.

Remember hearing once that for every year you were together, it will take a year to get over your dp. So, if you were together 5 years, it will take you 5 years to get over it completely....

I continue to be amazed at the people who jump quickly from one serious relationship into another - seemingly without a backwards glance, or second thought. Are they extremely healthy emotionally, or deeply disconnected?

gosh is that true..I was with exh for 23 years married for 20

i left xh so i guess it's different. i'd say it took me 1 year to get back to basic functioning without drugs or repeatedly testing whether household fittings would take the weight of me hanging off them, and 2 years before I was ready to meet someone else. xh was very badly hurt and was dating within 6 weeks. bizarro.

i thought the article was interesting in its clear depiction of the impact on the children. i can't imagine taking 10 years to get to the point she describes but i've never been with someone for 15 years.

I agree Caligula, and also if the 'other' partner has a seemingly worry free life, financially and freedom wise, it is very difficult to get over. Whether you want to or not, it is usually 'there'. Not sure whether this makes sense:O My mother hasnt got over her divorce and it has been 11 years

No question different people have different coping mechanisms.

Ex-dp started seeing me a few short months after he split from his dw. In retrospect, I can see that it was a rebound relationship for him that offered all sorts of practical/emotional support, cheering up, shoulder to cry on, buffer, companionship, sex, etc. My big mistake was thinking he was ready/emotionally available to commit to a new relationship - when he wasn't. He used me to heal himself. It took me a long time to feel OK again. Not sure I would have gotten there without therapy.

This is so interesting.

I am definitely emotionally happier - & I don't even have another relationship to thank for it. However, I do really resent the fact that ex-H lives the life of a single man on an enormous income all the while knowing that I am busting my ar$e to ensure that "our" children are loved & happy.

While I realise that the long-term benefits will be mine & that I benefit from peace of mind - I do still feel really angry about how easily he has stepped away from parenthood & responsibility.

I think a lot to do with feelings for x dh could be determined as to who left who. If you were the spurned one then you linger for a time wondering what went wrong and then wallow in the good times for a bit. Yes Ive been split for 8 years and I think of xdh at least once a day.

Re resentment of the other party seeming to be living the life of reilly, I think if you're happy within yourself, you can live with the fact that the other person has done better out of the split; but if you're unhappy and suffering, then it's far harder to not let it eat you up that it looks as though the other person has walked away without trouble, leaving you with the whole burden of adulthood and parenting, which wasn't the deal you signed up for.

The realisation that all the things you took for granted - the holidays together, the sports days, the parent's evenings, the weddings, etc. the things you were going to do together as a family, are all gone, to be replaced by the painful negotiation of unwelcome strangers (to you) muscling in on the events and the parenting, is just some of the stuff people have to negotiate. Add the stigma of being a lone parent, plus the economic impact of divorce on women (and statistics stubbornly keep showing that five years after a divorce, men are better off while women are poorer - and yes I know there are exceptions, but stats are general) then surely it's not so difficult to see why people have trouble "moving on"?

I spose i looked at it as if there must of been something wrong for him to decide to leave, therefore I apportioned part of the blame to myself and decided I had to live with it. Doesnt stop me thinking of him as a nice person though. I have to add that my split wasnt acrimonious.

Yep, Sometimes I reckon it can take that long. Suppose it's something to do with loss / betrayal / resentment / frustration / hurt......gawd, the list can go on.
If both can accept the situation it can end sooner, but it seems that despite who instigated the rift, and for whatever reason, there always has to be a winner or the worst off victim. (this is very sweeping and I can feel many comments bombarding me any moment !!!)Can I say these are PERCEIVED and really there are no winners really as someone has always lost something: trust, friends, children, home, finances, self-respect.
As a party who came into something well after dh's divorce, it's still going on now and that was 9yrs ago....it does get wearing for the new people. I hope I don't end up all bitter and twisted, it can really ruin a good day!

This thread has stirred up a lot for me. Although I am very happily re-married I still detest my XH. He left me 3.5 yrs ago and I am still so angry that he left his week old daughter and me for another woman. My quality of life and that of DD is so much better now than it would have been if XH hadn't left but even so I am so angry with him.

After reading this thread I want to write to him C/O divorce solicitor and tell him how angry I am. Would I feel better? Thinking about it there was never a discussion about him going or an explanation as to why. I feel like I need some kind of closure.

LV - write the letter, but don't send it.

Never put anything in writing that might be used against you in the future. Sorry I know that sounds cynical, but I think it's a pretty safe rule to stick to.

It also takes luck anniemac, and other, happier things happening in life to displace the bad stuff.

The problem for lots of people is that something awful in life like a relationship breakdown or a death, or a redundancy, can lead to other bad things happening, partly because of the negative vibes one is giving off, and partly because one is in a situation where you act in a certain way which you wouldn't, if you weren't in that situation. People can get themselves into a downward spiral. And similarly, if you are lucky enough to get a good break early enough after the split (like a new job, or house, or lover or whatever), that can lead to a virtuous circle of happiness. Unhappy people tend to carry on being unhappy, whereas happy people tend to be... happy!

I read that article in the guardian and thought what a waste of ten years. Ten years is far too long to be hurt- -it stops being about the person who rejected you and starts taking on a life of its own.
I remember when my bf dumped me I felt so hurt, bitter and angry... couldn't stop thinking about him and his new girlfriend.
As soon as I met someone else (18 months later) the hurt just evaporated. Made me realise that a lot of the pain is to do with your own ego...
(well it was in my case anyway)

DH got divorced 11 years ago.

His ex has never been able to speak civilly to him since they split, and never spoken to me at all (blanked me at parents evenings etc), which has caused probelms with the kids over the years. Infact most of the communication ended up being done via her new DH!

Dh instigated the divorce following ex's repeated affairs over the 14 years they were together. Within 3 months her new man had moved in so she wasn't really affected by material loss.

So I've never been able to understand why the anger and bitterness has lasted so long.

I felt and still feel so sorry for the kids, what did it really need to take for the adults caring for them to be civil to each other?

re the resentment
and a dying child? I think i would be resentful and my mum annoys me alot of the time tbh

Thanks Caligua - good advice. If I send letter will just come across as emotionally unstable. Think I will write the letter so years down the line I will have a reminder as to how I felt if DD asks me.

Someone mentioned downward spiral and it can so easily happen. My employers kindly gave me another unpaid months maternity leave which gave me the chance to sell marital home and buy another place. If employers hadn't been accomodating I would have had to resign from my job and I am sure my confidence would have decreased as a result and then I wouldn't have met my current DH etc.