Friend's partner says he's 'repulsed' by her figure/weight

[MumfordandDaughter]

My friend knocked on my door around 11pm lastnight. She'd had an argument with her partner and wanted to stay with me.

Basically, (and i'm trying to be vague because i can't be annoyed with name changing) they had been in bed. She was making a move on him and he was rejecting her. They've not dtd for months and she had it out with him as to why.

He said that he doesn't find her attractive anymore, he feels disgusted when she tries to cuddle him, and he's worried sick that she's destroying her health

Off course, being her friend, i told her i thought her partner was an insensitive prat and that she deserved better, but on reflection i somewhat agree with him in regards to her health.

She isn't healthy and she isn't happy. She knows this. We rarely talk about weight (as i know it's an issue for her), but on the occassions she's brought it up, she's made it clear she wishes she looked differently, but doesn't have the confidence to seek help. And her partner has always been on at it her about it. When we go out together for lunch or each other's houses, he's always commenting on what she's eating/drinking. He dishes up for her, rather than let her help herself to a portion. He comments on her figure, clothes and things. I've pulled him up for it a few times, but this upsets my friend and she said she'd rather i just ignored it like she does.

This morning her partner came round with a bag of her stuff (toothbrush etc) and asked if she was coming home. I gave them some space for an hour and when i came back, they had made up and were off home together.

She gave me a call around lunchtime saying that he has agreed to make another go of things so long as she promises to go to a doctor for weight/nutritional advice.

I'm a bit uneasy about this tbh. Surely she should want to change for herself, not for her partner, otherwise it won't work?

Is this emotional abuse or just a man showing concern for his partner?
Apart from this weight obsession he seems to have with her, he's an okay guy.

They've been together almost ten years. They have no children.

My apologies Skye Its just that it winds me up too

She has an eating disorder and her life could be at risk if she doesn't get help soon.

I am 5 ft 8 and at my thinnest (bulimic and borderline anorexic) I went down to a size 6. I weighed 7 1/2 stone and was not well. Fortunately I got pregnant and that sorted me out.

Your friend's behaviour, particularly the chewing and spitting, is absolute standard eating disorder. If she was a size 14 before, she is not 'naturally' a size 4-6.

I think it sounds like her partner is desperate and doesn't know how to help her. I know what it's like, other people are powerless to do anythnig about you disappearing into a vortex of obsession and control. She needs help and her partner is not being abusive, he is trying anything he can to get her out of it - unfortunately by trying to control her he is having the opposite effect as people with eating disorders will panic if they think someone is trying to 'make them fat', and will be twice as cunning to eat less.

Thanks so much for all the replies.

I've never known her to be any bigger than a size 6, as i've only known her for 3 years. She's definitely not lost any more weight since i've met her.

She seems healthy (nice hair, teeth, skin), and has a lot of energy - it's her mental health that's worrying. She doesn't like discussing food, our bodies etc. She hates discussing clothes, going out to eat. On a few occassions when we have spoken about food etc, she seems to say too much (such as telling me what she eats/her spitting out food) and then she shuts down about it all for another few months.

I'm not sure if i should take the risk and talk to her partner behind her back, or if i'm best waiting until the situation worsens before taking that risk of ruining our friendship.

I believe her when she says about the evening meal/porridge. And her partner has on occassion made comments about these things too which leads me to believe her. She is very precise though. Such as it's always a sachet of Quaker porridge so she can measure exactly how much milk she uses (she uses milk, not water, albeit skimmed milk). She has white tea and 1/2 tsp of sugar (i made her loads last night and this morning, which she drank fine). And she's an avid cook. So her evening meals are always made from scratch and her partner makes her eat them with him.

So i know that she's not totally starving herself. But she is restricting her food intake, which can't be healthy to do long term, can it?

I think i'll hold off a few days and see if she makes this doctor's appointment before i do anything else. It's the fact she's unable to have kids that seems to be a problem. I don't know about her periods, or if they're even trying for children. It could be that they both want kids, but want to wait until she's bigger/healthier. Or it could be that her periods have gone. I don't know, and i'm a bit too scared to ask.

She probably does eat. my sister ate. but she was also using laxaatives water pills and making herself sick. Your friend is too I bet.