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Original poster

Friend's partner says he's 'repulsed' by her figure/weight

55 replies

MumfordandDaughter · 19/05/2013 14:58

My friend knocked on my door around 11pm lastnight. She'd had an argument with her partner and wanted to stay with me.

Basically, (and i'm trying to be vague because i can't be annoyed with name changing) they had been in bed. She was making a move on him and he was rejecting her. They've not dtd for months and she had it out with him as to why.

He said that he doesn't find her attractive anymore, he feels disgusted when she tries to cuddle him, and he's worried sick that she's destroying her health

Off course, being her friend, i told her i thought her partner was an insensitive prat and that she deserved better, but on reflection i somewhat agree with him in regards to her health.

She isn't healthy and she isn't happy. She knows this. We rarely talk about weight (as i know it's an issue for her), but on the occassions she's brought it up, she's made it clear she wishes she looked differently, but doesn't have the confidence to seek help. And her partner has always been on at it her about it. When we go out together for lunch or each other's houses, he's always commenting on what she's eating/drinking. He dishes up for her, rather than let her help herself to a portion. He comments on her figure, clothes and things. I've pulled him up for it a few times, but this upsets my friend and she said she'd rather i just ignored it like she does.

This morning her partner came round with a bag of her stuff (toothbrush etc) and asked if she was coming home. I gave them some space for an hour and when i came back, they had made up and were off home together.

She gave me a call around lunchtime saying that he has agreed to make another go of things so long as she promises to go to a doctor for weight/nutritional advice.

I'm a bit uneasy about this tbh. Surely she should want to change for herself, not for her partner, otherwise it won't work?

Is this emotional abuse or just a man showing concern for his partner?
Apart from this weight obsession he seems to have with her, he's an okay guy.

They've been together almost ten years. They have no children.

OP posts:

Mintyy · 19/05/2013 15:39

Its a sad situation. The woman's dh sounds very worried but no amount of bullying, cajoling or pleading from him is going to change her.

I would be extremely concerned if she were a friend of mine.

Mumsyblouse · 19/05/2013 15:42

Having read the last post, I think his comments and behaviour are likely borne of desperation rather than anything malicious, he's trying to shock her into seeking help- I hope she does get some.

A1980 · 19/05/2013 15:42

I also have a lot of sympathy for her dp now. living with someone with an eating disorder is hell on earth.

Longdistance · 19/05/2013 15:43

I was gonna say over active thyroid, but its sounds like bulimia to me. Its a form of control for her, as maybe somewhere along the line, some control was taken from her.

Original poster

MumfordandDaughter · 19/05/2013 15:43

Sorry to hear about your sister, A1980. Is this a sign of anorexia?

When my friend saw how horrified i was after telling me what she does (spitting out), she tried to justify it with wine tasting. I.e. they swig the wine for taste, but don't swallow. She said she eats her dinner and porridge each day like normal, and only does this whenever she has a craving for treat foods. She said it would only be an eating disorder if she was doing it for every meal.

I don't know if perhaps i should arrange to talk to her partner privately, but if my friend ever found out, she wouldn't talk to me again. I think i'm her 'escape' from the constant scutiny from him.

OP posts:

A1980 · 19/05/2013 15:46

Mumford absolutely its a sign of anorexia. the food my sister wasted was awful.

She used to steal food and chew it up and spit it out. I guess it takes away the hunger pangs or as un your friends case misses the taste of food. spitting it out means they get to taste it without the calorie hit.

I wouldn't be surprised if she was abusing laxatives too.

Chubfuddler · 19/05/2013 15:47

He sounds desperate to me, and not dealing with it well. But it is up to her - same as over eaters, same as alcoholics, same as drug users. Those around cannot do it for them no matter how frustrated or frightened.

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 19/05/2013 15:50

Ok, just to get a feel for the issue, I'm the same height as her and a size 10. I'm slim by anyone's standards bit have curves.

Pre kids I was an 8 and was told I was anorexic looking (thanks female relatives )... I was about 50kg

If I were to drop to a size 6 I'd guess I'd have to weigh less than 45kg and would be very skeletal by anyone's standards.

The eating habits sound very worrying tbh, some sort of bulimia? And whilst she eats 2 meals a day I'd imagine the portions are tiny if she's that food obsessed.

How did she drop the weight? If what she's eating now maintains her weight then she must have eaten even less to get from a size 14 down to her current weight.

Whilst the dp didn't exactly phrase things kindly I have to say I can understand his pov, someone who's that thin is quite horrifying to see and whilst he shouldn't have used the word repulsed I can understand he must find her appearance very outputting, add that to the obvious concerns about her mental and physical wellbeing and I can see how the conversation escalated.

weight

Delayingtactic · 19/05/2013 16:07

I think that the language he used was very wrong but I can understand it. He may be absolutely desperate with worry and is down to trying anything and everything to help his partner.

It's hard to know what to do - I know that you say she won't forgive you if you talk to him behind her back, but could you ask her if you could have a chat with him to see where he's coming from?

gertrudetrain · 19/05/2013 16:12

I think you and your friend are woefully undereducated about ED. This is not having a dig, if you haven't come into contact with it why would you know about it!

Your friend def sounds like she has disordered eating. She is limiting her food intake, controlling the amount she ingests and is bingeing/purging in secret. All point to ED. I had bulimia that developed into Ana so I have a bit of experience.

She needs to get specialist help as urs a psychological issue not physiological and being underweight long term does as much damage as long term obesity. My parents reacted quite strangely to my ED, her DH may just being acting out of fear.

spidersandslugs · 19/05/2013 16:21

Op, your friend sounds as though she has anorexia. She needs professional help.

RhondaJean · 19/05/2013 16:31

A size 14 is deemed to be overweight?

Even if you are 6 foot eh?

My 13 year old daughter is a size 8, almost 5 foot 5 and classes as underweight. A 6 at 5 foot 7, unless she's always been like that ( I had a friend that size and shape who ate everything in sight and couldn't put weight on) is worrying.

Does she eat a normal amount? Has she had her thyroid checked out?

I think he is trying to help but being very cackhanded about it. I don't think he's a chubby chaser!

skyeskyeskye · 19/05/2013 16:37

sorry, not my opinion, I should have said, and I am larger than a size 14 myself. but if you look at today's society, and the media and what they write, anybody who is a size 14 is deemed to be overweight and is ripped to shreds, that is what I meant. I think it is terrible myself, when I was growing up the normal range for women was size 10-14, now everybody is supposed by be a size 8 or something.

I would personally love to be a size 14!!

NishiNoUsagi · 19/05/2013 16:44

Hmm.. this is a tough one. My initial reaction would be that it is horrific of him to call her repulsive, regardless of whether she's under or overweight., regardless of whether it's his real feeling or trying to shock her into action, it's an awful thing to say.

A bit of perspective re body size/shape. I'm 5'6, and around 7 and a half stone. At my lowest weight I was 45kg (7.1 stone-ish I think) but I didn't look anorexic at all - I have a slim top half, but definite curves on bum and thighs, not skin and bones by anyone's definition. If someone said I looked disgusting and unhealthy at my current weight, I would be gutted.

However - I eat 3 meals a day, love junk food, my family are all small and slim, and I didn't use to be a size 14. So the habits you've described sound v scary (spitting out food, only eating one big meal etc) and if my partner was trying to control my eating and call me repulsive it would probably send me into a tailspin of even worse habits. I can understand he must be frustrated/worried for her and as a pp said may be acting out of fear.

OP, how do you think your friend would react to the idea of counselling?

RhondaJean · 19/05/2013 16:49

Sorry Skye I get you now. I do worry very much, especially as a mother of two girls, about the push towards very thin being beautiful (and I don't see it myself).

A 14 certainly CAN be overweight - but it can also not be depending on many many things.

balia · 19/05/2013 16:49

Def an anorexia sign. And the porridge, too, because you can make it thin with water, she's just using it to fill her so she doesn't feel hungry. Is the tea black, no sugar?

NishiNoUsagi · 19/05/2013 16:50

Summer "someone who's that thin is quite horrifying to see and whilst he shouldn't have used the word repulsed I can understand he must find her appearance very outputting"

I really really have to disagree with that, even when I was 45kg I had meaty, wobbly thighs [grins] a noticeable bum, chipmunky cheeks, my bones weren't jutting out all over the place (apart from my skinny elbows maybe!) I'm pretty confident no-one would have described me as "horrifying" "replusive" and "offputting"

However it really depends on the OP's friend and what is the normal size for her, her BMI, her calorie intake etc. Insulting her weight isn't going to help her, telling her she's disgusting as her partner did is unfortunately just going to push her deeper into her hiding place with this.

Mumsyblouse · 19/05/2013 17:02

I would also say that you didn't hear what the friend's husband actually said, my feeling is that she may have said he found her 'repulsive' and doesn't want to cuddle her anymore, because she finds herself disgusting- he may have said I don't find it as attractive because you are skin and bones when I cuddle you and I'm worried about your health- not quite the same thing in the same language. He may have said it, but your friend is also hearing it through the prism of her ED.

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 19/05/2013 17:14

Nishi.... Sorry, I phrased that badly. Obviously we all carry weight differently and two people can be the same height and weight and not be at all comparable in body shape.

What I am assuming from what the op has said though is that the friend is quite visibly underweight, and I do think most people find the sight of visible bone structure where there should be fat (scapula, pelvis, arms) quite off putting, and I can imagine many would not want to have sex with someone who is so visibly underweight. Not that he should have broached it the way he did of course.

Darkesteyes · 19/05/2013 17:14

A size 14 is NOT always deemed overweight. I went from a size 28 down to a size 14 and then a large 12. And in the photos of me at a 14 my arms were like twigs. Also i sometimes had to wear a size 16 blouse for work because my boobs were a 34F (when i was a 12/14) You CANNOT base whether someone is overweight based on dress size alone.
unless you are basing it on what you see in celebrity magazines

Darkesteyes · 19/05/2013 17:21

And sky to say that a size 14 is cuddly. Bloody hell i wish i could show you the pictures of me at a 14 People were saying i looked ill. And it does depend on body shape.
I had to wear a 16 blouse because of my breasts but the long sleeves on it were huge.
Each individual has a different body shape. And when we get comments saying that size 14 is "cuddly" its not really hard to see why eating disorders are on the rise.
Perhaps someone once called or referred to the OPs friend as "cuddly" when she was a size 14!

MollyBee · 19/05/2013 18:46

I can relate to this as I am very underweight too. Her DP is more than likely very worried about her but maybe hasn't expressed in quite the way he meant too. It's a difficult one, I hardly eat anything and then feel a huge sense of guilt when I do. My DP worries, I know he does, but has never said he was repulsed he just mentions I am skin and bones. It's a difficult one. How does your friend feel about herself and her weight?

skyeskyeskye · 19/05/2013 19:05

Darkest, please don't take offence to my comments, I was referring to media perceptions not my own. People like Martine McCutcheon who at a 14 was deemed by the media to be massive when I thought she looked fine. The other day I was reading an article about a "plus size" model who was a 12! I was . It is appalling and yes i very much agree that everybody is different shapes sizes etc and that is all relevant. I have struggled with my weight since I was 18.

My friend told my DD 5yo not to eat sweets as it will make her fat. I said to her, please don't say that to my DD as she comes from a family of "fat" people and I don't want to make an issue of her weight at 5yo....

unlucky83 · 19/05/2013 19:20

I think her DP may know more than you do and is desperate and doesn't know what to do - yes he is not handling it well -but he probably is way out of his depth and maybe he even deserves sympathy?
(hope this doesn't offend anyone but) Like all 'addicts', people with eating disorders can be devious... you said you only ever see her dressed - she might be much thinner than you think and just hiding it well with clothes ( have you ever seen her recently in leggings and a tight top or even a summer dress?).
Also how do you know she is eating a big meal every night? and if she really is - is her version of a big meal the same as yours(or anyone elses)?
The chewing and spitting is not ok ..maybe if she was overweight you could see the logic - but as she is underweight AND says not happy about it ....her own reasoning doesn't make sense...
Don't know what you can do... could you maybe talk to her DH?
Guess that would be a trust issue ... or try and go to GP yourself with her and go in with her ...some moral support - to give her some confidence (if that is what she says she is lacking) ?
Does she have any family around that you know of ...could you get them involved?

sparklekitty · 19/05/2013 19:33

As someone who suffers with an eating disorder I find it interesting that she has been displaying this behaviour since meeting her P. I wonder what her eating was like before.

ED tend (not all the time but generally) to be about taking control in a situation where you have no control elsewhere

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