confused :(

[mrsericnorthmaniwish]

been on here alot recently. basicly i have finally had enough of being on my own with dcs and doing everything myself while my h works, watches tv or plays at computer. i have had a few conversations with him these last few months before i went to a solicitor, i said i had had enough, said i would not be here for much longer, said i couldnt continue like this, said i would not remain his wife for much longer. he did nothing about any of these chats we had, i withdrew and got on with life with the dcs. i have now started divorce proceedings, he told me last night that he thought i was stressed about other things when i spoke to him before and did not really listen to what i was saying, he did not think i meant what i was saying and was basicly taking out things on our relationship and giving it a good battering because other things were annoying me. this is not true, i have been very unhappy and was trying to talk to him so we could perhaps move on, i was not making anything up. he has not been very happy because he does not get sex, hasn;t done for a few months now because i cant, not when everything else is so wrong, he cant see that either, he sees the physical side as very important and from what i can see as long as he is getting that he sees no problem:( he has withdrawn too now and blames me for that because i apparently push all the wrong buttons and force him into himself:(( very confused, any advice much appreciated, thank you for reading

What are you confused about?

He ignored you until he was forced to acknowledge you and now that he's paying attention he's blaming you.

You'll be free of him soon enough.

Don't be confused. He wasn't taking you seriously before, wasn't listening and all that's happened is that he's been forced to react. So, backed into a corner, he tried blaming 'stress', accused you of overreacting and when that didn't work he started giving you the silent treatment and making it all about him. When that doesn't work he might have a crack at something else. I note that nowhere in your description does he think he may be at fault at all or has offered to change or make more of an effort .... that's pretty revealing. Probably just hoping the dust settles and it'll be same old same old.

Have you asked him to leave?

I am confused by all he is saying-how could he think I was making up problems to deflect from other problems? He has asked to go to counselling but I am refusing, I see no point if he can't listen to me.you have both said what I am thinking that he is blaming everything on me including his own behaviour. He won't leave, house in his name only and he has said that perhaps I could leave for a few months to see if its what I really want, he will stay in house:(

Please don't listen to anything he says. Really at this stage they are just words. AIUI because you are married, it matters not that the house is in his name. Do not engage in discussion if you can help it, and certainly make no promises or decisions without the help of a sol. Focus on what you want for you and DCs. The Resolution site is v good on possible settlement outcomes.

I am trying not to listen as I start to doubt myself:( trying to be amicable for dcs sake.the less I say the better because he seems to twist anything and everything I do say:( thank you

He's digging in for the long-haul which means your choices are fairly narrow. Glad you've instructed a solicitor on the divorce but would suggest, at the same time, you make plans on where you and the DCs are going to live in the short and long-term It won't affect your claim on the marital assets (and yes, it is immaterial that the property is in his name only) but, if he's going to be uncooperative, he could try to put potential buyers off in the inevitable enforced sale and this could drag things out.

Surely the children should stay with the father in the family home. Its the op who wants to enforce change on

Everyone.

The only thing you need to listen to is yourself, do you want to give it another go?

rootin it isn't a matter of who wants to enforce change. No matter which partner has decided it is over and filed for divorce, the first priority is to provide for the DC's welfare - which can often mean DC staying with their DM in the ex-marital home, until they are 18.

No,I have tried and can't do it anymore:( leaving the children with him is not an option-he does not want them

Sometimes it takes big hint for someone to genuinely recognise there is a problem. Now that the message has got through the op is acting all selfishly by refusing counselling and withholding sex.

Of course the usual suspects on here who delight in splitting people up are pushing op towards the most confrontational way forward. This place is horrible.

Can I leave? I been told not too as it will suggest we have s

Somewhere to go and will affect any possible outcome

rootin read the OP. It took divorce proceedings for the H to take anything his W said seriously. are you him

Rootin, why don't you go and take your agenda off to some other thread?

That's it- I had to get this far before he took notice,even now I can't see anything changing, maybe for a while but not for good.sorry, I did not mean to upset anyone,all advice appreciated and yes it is me who is making the change so it will be my fault:o

Stick to your guns.

You know deep down that he won't change, he is quite content for you to be the chief cook and bottle washer, oh and childminder to his dcs as well.

Only now he has started to realise that actually his mealticket is about to leave and pull the rug from under his feet. Oh dear he will actually have to do his own cleaning up and sort the kids out. Help- I'll try and keep the skivvy here for a bit longer, make her feel bad about how I haven't pulled my weight.

Yet still he cannot see the connection between lack of sex and being treated like a skivvy and nanny. Oh course there is a connection, you need to feel loved, wanted and valued to enjoy sex.

Don't go to counselling with him, don't engage with him if you can help it. Stay strong, you know the truth, it really doesn't matter what he thinks or says anymore.

rootin they should post on Relationships of course.

Op chose to have children with this man and to me that changes the rules. If it was just her then fair enough do what you like but imho she owes her kids to at least have a go. It may turn out to be pointless but at least all efforts were exhausted.

She has had several tries. He wasn't listening. Sometimes it's better for DC not to grow up with an unhappy mother, than it is for them to be with both parents. OP has decided to end the marriage and as far as I can tell, imho she has made a good decision.

It looks like he was a token father, in name alone.

Stick to your divorce. If he starts taking some responsibility, then listen to him and see how he behaves.

Unhappy parents don't make a great household.
And your set up sends the wrong message to your children. Including that they are not worth of attention by their father. By staying you are agreeing with this.