Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

H keeps telling DD that he is the boss and only men can be!

68 replies

schooldays · 17/05/2013 12:28

Just want to vent. My H keeps telling my DD (4yr old) that he is the boss of our house, that only men can be bosses and any job she eve gets she will have a male boss. that mammy is the boss while he is at work but he is the boss when he comes home!!!!!!! FFS...........

OP posts:

Lweji · 17/05/2013 16:24

Yeah...

I'd keep to public places.

Blu · 17/05/2013 16:54

I would tell the DV unit at the police station that dealt with the previous DV that you wish to separate and want him to leave. It is an all-too-common fact that women in abusive relationships are more vilnerable than ever before in the period between announcing a separation and leaving.

Unfortunately, I think that if the house is in joint names, and you are married, you cannot actually insist that he leaves the house - you don't even have the right to change the locks.

I am not an expert in any of this. I would seek advice from WA, I think.

But you may need to leave, then start divorce proceedings and get your share of the house.

Chubfuddler · 17/05/2013 17:28

If he won't leave then you must.

Original poster

schooldays · 17/05/2013 18:35

the house is in my name only.
he just brought me home flowers from work FFS - he never buys me flowers....

OP posts:

Longdistance · 17/05/2013 20:00

Maybe his bottom would make a nice vase

Wrt the visa for Canada, I believe he will have to tell them about it, otherwise he'll get there, and sent home straight away. Don't know about convictions, and how they deal with them. But they'd have a dim view on it if he lied, which he's good at by the sounds of it.

pinkhalf · 17/05/2013 20:08

Do the flowers smell of bs?

This man is not going anywhere. Canada does not take people with criminal convictions because there is a long line of people who don't have them who want to live there. The waiting list to go is years.

Get yourself a solicitor, pdq.

fengirl1 · 17/05/2013 20:34

As he doesn't own the house and presumably doesn't pay rent, why can't you just wait for him to go to work and get the locks changed? Put his stuff outside. Any problems, call the police.

SquinkiesRule · 17/05/2013 20:45

Don't go out alone with him. Please.

Hissy · 17/05/2013 20:58

don't go out with him.

Tell him to go, call police again if you have to.

With all the talk of passports etc, he's trying to get you to cave. Get the passports, do all he wants re the leaving.

My ex did this, threatening to leave talk, expecting me to beg him to stay. I didn't.

It wss the hardest thing I ever did, but oh my god, so worth it.

Original poster

schooldays · 17/05/2013 21:18

thanks for all the replies.
i had a word after that - told him in case he was confused about what is happening - that i had already told him if he is not serious about canada then he is leaving anyway. he told me never to speak to him again that he cant be listening to my small mind.

then ten mins later he say it could take months to get canada sorted so i said i will give him one month no more. that we can start a war if he wants soliciitors, court etc or we can seperate as friends. he told me not to threaten him and said that if i want to bring it on he will not play mr nice guy this time. that he was really good to me last time etc etc.

then he said what am i going to do when he is gone so i said i will get on with my life. and he said 'can i not be in it?' i just said its over he was lost me for good and its all his own doing.
he left then - not angry - am not afraid of him he knows i have him by balls.

am i being overconfident or am i just not scared of him anymore??

OP posts:

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 17/05/2013 21:21

Don't go anywhere with him.
Call Women's Aid. Talk to your local police DV unit. If your parent(s) are around and supportive, tell them and see whether you could flee there if necessary. (Or a close friend?)
Either get the locks changed or make arrangements to move you and your kid(s) out.
Don't talk to him about what you're thinking or planning.
I don't want to frighten you but this man sounds appalling and could potentially be very nasty. Get away from him as soon as you can.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 17/05/2013 21:27

Does he need as much as a month? How about a week? Two days?! :o

Is he ever violent? Is he likely to be, do you think?

Piemother · 17/05/2013 21:37

My first....ltb

Snazzynewyear · 17/05/2013 21:41

I am also worried by his behaviour. Definitely don't go anywhere alone with him. Keep your mobile on you and charged up at all times so you could always ring the police if needed. And book a locksmith to come round one month from today at the latest.

Hissy · 17/05/2013 21:45

The biggest mistake we victims of abuse make is that they behave out of strength, when the need to control us is born of fear, insecurity and weakness.

When it looks like it's over, he will panic. He's been violent in the past, and he's threatened you tonight. No more Mr Nice Guy. I think he needs to leave ASAP, and with no return.

You can't stop this, you didn't start it. You can FINISH it though!

We're all here to support you, just ask whatever you need?

fengirl1 · 17/05/2013 22:42

DO NOT leave your home and allow him to stay. It might put you in an awkward position legally....
Go and see a solicitor with a view to starting divorce proceedings on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Write down everything you have written here and everything else besides so you have notes to refer to.
Financially, if you don't have a bank account in your own name, open one. If he has debts that come out of a joint account, leave enough to cover it for one month and transfer the rest to your account. (Don't spend it all though as you may have to give some back when you settle financially but I doubt it!)
Don't let him cross your doorstep again.

minkembra · 18/05/2013 00:02

good luck. i hope you get rid of this charter soon.

fwiw i think a month is too long. in all months time he will just tell you he has nowhere to go to ( that is best case scenario)
find out if you can legally eject him/ change the locks sooner.

Original poster

schooldays · 18/05/2013 20:38

nothing to report since - i am so sick of this routine by now.
i tell him the situation ie its over- he says something insulting - disappears for an hour or two -then next day like nothing at all has happened.
he is being so nice today (which is not uncommon) - i feel like i am getting nowhere with him - cause im not - he is going to continue to stick his head in the sand until such time as i am forced to have him removed again - and even then he will wonder why this is happening?
do these guys really and truly not understand the consequences of their actions and if not why not?

am actually feeling a lil let down by my sis who i last spoke to on mon - i told her all my concerns and i havent heard from her since. she thinks i just have to keep telling him its over and he will get the message! why are people outside the relationship so slow to understand what its like. wouldnt you think they would be a bit more knowlegable about it seeing as i have already been down the barring order route and spoke about what he was like ad-nausum. surely a quick google search would at least give my family some insight into DA.

anyway - i am goin to get my brother and his brother to speak to H and see if they can get him to see the light and if that doesnt work then stronger measures will be my only option.

its soo maddening that he can be soo nice at times like today - just mind games i know but they are very powerful at throwing me off track.....

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3