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Original poster

H keeps telling DD that he is the boss and only men can be!

68 replies

schooldays · 17/05/2013 12:28

Just want to vent. My H keeps telling my DD (4yr old) that he is the boss of our house, that only men can be bosses and any job she eve gets she will have a male boss. that mammy is the boss while he is at work but he is the boss when he comes home!!!!!!! FFS...........

OP posts:
Original poster
schooldays · 17/05/2013 13:06

I have had the police throw him out before but trouble is i took him back again! he supposedly did loads of counselling for his issues (which of course he lied about) - so basically i am stuck again with the same abusive person except he is much more careful about what he does and says but his opinions and views are still the same.

I am praying that he is being honest about emigrating as that will save us all alot of distress - because if he is lying about it then he has no intention of ever moving out willingly and i will have to go back in front of a judge and put myself and my family through all that trauma again.

WA says that fact he hasnt done any counselling means he still has a temper he is just hiding it but it will come out someway or other.

OP posts:
VillaVillekulla · 17/05/2013 13:06

Given what you've said about his history of abuse, I'm inclined to say you should get him out of your and your DD's lives. I hear what you're saying about wanting to handle it delicately.

Either way, whatever you decide to do, I hope you can make sure you counter some of the negative sexist crap he's giving your DD. I'm sure you're doing this already but I would make time to talk to her when he's not around about what he said and why he's wrong. Give her lots of positive examples of women leaders and powerful, strong women. Buy her nice books with positive role models like Paperbag Princess and Pippi Longstocking. Whatever you do, please make sure your poor DD doesn't grow up believing the damaging nonsense your idiot H is spouting.

I hope you get the support you need from Women's Aid or another organisation that can give you good advice.

Blu · 17/05/2013 13:09

"He's not saying it to her.

He's saying it AT her - TO you.

It is really unhealthy."

Spot on.

OK, OP, you are intending to separate yourself from him - he is doing this both because he believes it and to wind you up, as he undermines your parenting in front of your child. It is part and parcel with the EA.

Have you looked into all your legal and financial rights in separating? I would arm yourself with this knowledge as fast as possible - and if necessary, just leave with your dd.

Personally, given the circumstances, i would not force a showdown over this issue but concentrate on a way to get out of the relationship / shared house as fast as possible. Just tell your DD that Daddy is making a big mistake about bosses, and read her some stories that have female bosses in them.

kotinka · 17/05/2013 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
schooldays · 17/05/2013 13:23

Does anyone here believe he is going to emigrate? (for 6 mnths he says) - he is putting on a great show of making plans (says he has paid 600 quid to globalvisas, talks about how i will manage on my own(!), asked me to get out his passport for him etc etc) - but this is the same man who pretended to go to counseling for weeks and didnt go at all!

OP posts:
kotinka · 17/05/2013 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler · 17/05/2013 13:26

What good does him emigrating do? You need a divorce.

ccsays · 17/05/2013 13:26

I would be worried if I were you; he knows his time is running out and that you're serious about about throwing him out and is saying things like 'men are the boss' like he's trying to prove he's still in control of the situation. I would be worried that when the time comes for him to go the abuse could get a lot worse. 'Going in a month or two' seems deliberately vague to me, it doesn't sound like he has any intention of leaving. Get yourself and your daughter out of this situation ASAP.

Longdistance · 17/05/2013 13:28

Make sure it's a one way ticket when he emigrates.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/05/2013 13:30

Murmur Margaret Thatcher in his ear whilst you kick him in the nadgers.

mummytime · 17/05/2013 13:31

It can take years to get Visas.

I would talk to WA, and get advice on what you can do to get him out now. If he does go, then you can sigh with relief, if he doesn't you have started the process to get rid of him.

claudedebussy · 17/05/2013 13:32

he's not going anywhere.

he lied about the counselling. why wouldn't he be lying about this?

i think you'll have to kick him out again.

he has no intention of leaving.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/05/2013 13:33

I think the whole 'emigration' thing sounds like a bit fat load of old smoke being blown right up your arse .... delaying tactics. Don't wait for this to happen. Either get yourself out or get him out. Good luck

Lweji · 17/05/2013 13:53

"What good does him emigrating do? You need a divorce."

Yes to this.

Move out with your DD and start the ball rolling on the divorce.

I suspect that if you proceed with a divorce with him in the house it could be dangerous.

Curioustiger · 17/05/2013 13:57

I just wanted to let you know OP that my dad, while otherwise a lovely man, had some extremely sexist views about women, for example believing it was simply impossible for a woman to be a competent scientist, mechanic or engineer. I have no idea how an otherwise intelligent man could believe such claptrap. I spotted the many logical inconsistencies from an early age and I think your dd will too, especially if she has you to set a good example. But nevertheless, I hope you can get out of this relationship soon!

GemmaTeller · 17/05/2013 14:01

I've heard my brother say to his family 'I decide what we watch, I paid for the TV'

wanker

foolonthehill · 17/05/2013 14:07

He's lying.
If he were emigrating he would have 1) a work visa, 2) at least one interview at the appropriate embassy or consulate 3) a ticket, 4) a real date to leave, 5) shipped his most necessary possessions out to his destination

unless he's being seconded by a large company who are doing it all for him.

I am worried that actually he is heading for a big showdown...he'll keep you hanging on for the while until his lie becomes obvious. Then he'll take plan B out. I don't want you or your daughter to be there for plan B.

get him out, use a judge again if necessary and use WA's safety planning expertise.

Just because you've been there once does not mean you shouldn't do it again.

dandydorset · 17/05/2013 14:10

no no no so not right

i was once told by my then abbussive partner his words " dont argue with me and we will be fine Shock

hasten to say i didnt take his advice

Longdistance · 17/05/2013 14:12

It also depends which country he will emigrate to. If he has a criminal record at all, they won't have him. I'm just guessing he may have a record of some sort, as op mentioned he was removed by the police.

Windingdown · 17/05/2013 14:19

When I was a little girl my father used to say stuff like "a woman's place is in the home" and, his particular favourite saved especially for when he and I were in the company of other men "women are only here for men's pleasure" Angry He said it all my life.

My mum said to take no notice as he was only joking. But nobody was laughing. I couldn't understand why she didn't get angry and stand up for us. She was my role model in how to deal with fuckwits like him.

It took me 40 years of low self esteem and the stupid mistakes that resulted from that to realise that he's a narcissistic-fucked-up-dick-head-wanker and kick him in to touch. Funnily enough I only wised up when my Mum died and wasn't there to enable/protect him.

Get out and get your DD out.

Snazzynewyear · 17/05/2013 14:23

Margaret, Thatcher, Karren Brady, Angela Merkel, for starters? Plus woman who runs Facebook who's just had a book out. It doesn't even need arguing with as there are plenty of examples to prove him wrong. But as has been said, the issue here is to get him out of your lives. The promise to emigrate sounds far too vague. Assume he isn't going to emigrate and act accordingly. Get WA to help you.

wordyBird · 17/05/2013 15:04

Never take a liar's words in good faith :(. ... though I can understand why you would desperately want to.

Do you have a plan B? Can you call women's aid for advice, or move out temporarily yourself, or....?

IAmNotAMindReader · 17/05/2013 15:22

The emigration is a red herring to get you to put up and shut up in the hopes of a relatively painless exit. He's got no intention of going anywhere and if he does he's going ot string it out for as long as possible. Take steps to end things formally now and protect you and your DD's home and finances.

Original poster
schooldays · 17/05/2013 15:54

sh*t am starting to get very nervous now. aside from the barring order he has a DUI conviction - so what are the odds of letting him into candada?

was going to get a sitter tonite and go for a drive with him and have it out with him and say something along the lines that even if you have no intention of going abroad i want you out in two weeks either way. am nervous of how this will go down now.
you literally cannot talk to this man when he doesnt want to listen. i have often tried to talk to him at home and he will just walk off and tell me im talking crap if he doesnt want to hear it. am so sick of all this. my bro and sis are very supportive but alot of this goes over their heads. they think if i just keep talking to him and spelling out that its over that he will accept it and leave peacefully eventually - im not so sure... its so hard to explain this behaviour to outsiders......

what to do now........... have the chat with him this evening and see if i can get him to admit he has not intention of leaivng. that has always been his mantra "im not leaving my kids etc etc"

OP posts:
hooper02 · 17/05/2013 16:19

If you go out on a drive with him please be careful, my aunt went on a drive with her abusive husband who she had left to have a talk with him and she didn't come back