Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

One year, thank you for helping me LTB

47 replies

JamJarCupCake · 14/05/2013 17:57

It was about a year ago that I started a thread asking for help, and I just really want to say thank you to everyone who offered support and opinions and advice, and who, ultimately, helped give me the strength and courage to leave. I'm not sure if anyone will remember me; I had to go very quiet for a while after I left, and my original thread had to be moved.

Don't want to give too much detail because I don't want to be identifiable, but basically, I'd been married for 12+ years, 2 DC, and I had discovered three years previously that my Husband had had an affair with a woman he met through work. Husband was a respected 'community leader', the OW a volunteer at a community project. I posted initially because I thought he was beginning another inappropriate relationship with another volunteer. I didn't mean to drip feed, but I know as the thread went on people began to help me face up to just how controlling and abusive my Husband had been throughout our relationship; rarely physically violent, but the emotional, mental, and financial abuse had escalated throughout.

In the last few weeks of our marriage, he became increasingly abusive, claiming he would have me sectioned, he would tell people I was an alcoholic / promiscuous / unfit mother (despite having no proof of me being any of these), and he would get custody of the children, if I left him. He began to act in a really intimidating and threatening way, and it turns out that he had been spreading rumours about me; that I was a 'functioning alcoholic' (I barely drink alcohol), or had been having an affair (I wasn't, and since he didn't allow me to have male friends or indeed socialise with any friends, I don't know how I could have had one)

I contacted Women's Aid who believed me and took me seriously. They offered me space in a refuge. I chose to go and stay with family, took the children, and left one evening when my Husband was out.

My family, friends and work colleagues have been amazing.

On the negative side, I've been through a really difficult time with family court. CAFCASS didn't believe XH had been abusive (although I'd been to my GP who had directed me to Women's Aid, I'd never reported him to the police, since he wasn't physically violent) and recommended shared residency. It's very difficult. I miss the children and worry about them when they are in his care. However I know that they will now tell me if he hurts them or if they are worried or scared when they are with him. XH still tries to control me through them, but it's not really working since they are beginning to be old enough to have their own opinions about things. Financially, I'm still living with the debt XH built up, unknown to me; he spent all our savings, and incurred some other joint debts. But I try not to think about that, what's done is done, in a few years time i will have paid off my share and, to be honest, I'd pay it twice over and live on beans on toast to be free of him.

On the positive side...I did manage to divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, and the relief of knowing I am free is just incredible. I wake up every morning feeling incredibly peaceful. I sleep well, I wake up feeling refreshed. I've lost weight (didn't mean to!) taken up sport again, and can go out with my friends or have friends round whenever I want. People keep telling me I am glowing.Smile It turns out I don't have SAD, I guess it was just a sense of dread at facing another dark winter with XH! Work paid for me to have twelve sessions of counselling, which helped me realise just how abusive things had been and helped me find ways to cope and begin to rebuild me life.
And...I have just started very cautiously dating a someone who I have been friends with for a while, it's early days, but for now, i'm just enjoying going for coffee or out for dinner with someone who is kind and respectful and understands that we need to go slow... Blush

So. I wanted to say thank you. AnyFucker you posted, and so did loads of others, and you helped me face up to the reality of what I had been going through.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 14/05/2013 18:01

I remember you Smile. I can't remember if I posted, but I definitely read.

Despite the difficulties, it's heartwarming to read your story. Bloody well done!

MN is a great resource for people going through what you went through.

forgetmenots · 14/05/2013 18:13

Same as Jamie, I remember your story and can't remember if I posted.

Great to hear your positivity and that it can be done. Well done!

LapsedPacifist · 14/05/2013 18:25

I remember you, and posted on your thread! Smile Thanks for updating us all, sounds as if you're doing just great!

DaemonPantalaemon · 14/05/2013 18:31

Congratulations to you on your new life. I agree with you that there is great advice here, particularly from AnyFucker and CogitoErgo . They are absolute national treasures, along with all the other regulars who post here. I love them:) Congratulations once more.

FairPhyllis · 14/05/2013 18:41

I remember you. Can't remember if I posted, but am very pleased you are so much happier now.

arthriticfingers · 14/05/2013 18:41

Well done! I remember your thread. Thank you for updating with such a heartwarming story.
Onwards and Upwards

TurnipCake · 14/05/2013 18:43

Congratulations on your new life OP! Glad you LTB Grin

KatieScarlett2833 · 14/05/2013 18:44

I remember and am having a little blub. What a lovely ending, I'm so happy for you Grin
He really was a horror.
(Sniff)

HappyJustToBe · 14/05/2013 18:47

Well done, OP. Onwards and upwards!

tattychicken · 14/05/2013 18:52

I remember. You have achieved great things and should be very proud of yourself.

AThingInYourLife · 14/05/2013 18:58

Well done JamJar :)

Sunnywithshowers · 14/05/2013 19:01

I remember your thread but didn't post. I'm so glad you're doing well, that's fantastic news Grin

Anniversary flowers Flowers

taKsad · 14/05/2013 19:05

Hurrah! I remember you but am currently on a nc. Glad you're doing so well.

tumbletumble · 14/05/2013 19:39

I think I remember you - are you the one whose H threw away a kitchen item you had bought? I posted on your thread (possibly under a different name) and I am so happy to hear your update! Thank you!

Highlander · 14/05/2013 19:43

Crikey, I remember you, and I worried he was going to get your chidren.

Wow, you arecamazing and inspiring. Really, really inspiring. You must have so much courage.

Enjoy your freedom! Smile

garlicyoni · 14/05/2013 19:47

How lovely to hear! Thank you!

It's such a pity about Cafcas; this must have caused you great anxiety and, to an extent, feel abused again. Your DC are lucky to have life at home with you for healthy comparison, and to feel confident they can share any concerns with you.

Keep enjoying your future :)

YoniOneWayOfLife · 14/05/2013 19:53

Whoop whoop Grin I remember your story, I'm so happy to hear a happy ending.

mummytime · 14/05/2013 19:58

I remember you. Thank you so much for posting and I am so pleased it has such a happy ending. Flowers

Piemother · 14/05/2013 19:58

Hurray!!!!
I could write a v similar post. I ltb too Grin
ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

brianbennettfan · 14/05/2013 20:28

I remember. It was just after I joined MN. Well done you. I have often wondered what happened to you and am glad to know you are free. Flowers

caramelwaffle · 14/05/2013 20:39

Congratulations on the start of your new life Thanks

I Remember your story; twas one of the saddest things I had read on here.

Good luck with everything.

caramelwaffle · 14/05/2013 20:39
  • it was
SundaysGirl · 14/05/2013 20:42

I remember you. I was posting under a different name then.

Congratulations, what a wonderful post to read!!

Flowers
AKissIsNotAContract · 14/05/2013 20:44

I remember you too. So glad to hear your happy update :)

Lweji · 14/05/2013 20:46

So glad for you. :)