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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

One year, thank you for helping me LTB

47 replies

JamJarCupCake · 14/05/2013 17:57

It was about a year ago that I started a thread asking for help, and I just really want to say thank you to everyone who offered support and opinions and advice, and who, ultimately, helped give me the strength and courage to leave. I'm not sure if anyone will remember me; I had to go very quiet for a while after I left, and my original thread had to be moved.

Don't want to give too much detail because I don't want to be identifiable, but basically, I'd been married for 12+ years, 2 DC, and I had discovered three years previously that my Husband had had an affair with a woman he met through work. Husband was a respected 'community leader', the OW a volunteer at a community project. I posted initially because I thought he was beginning another inappropriate relationship with another volunteer. I didn't mean to drip feed, but I know as the thread went on people began to help me face up to just how controlling and abusive my Husband had been throughout our relationship; rarely physically violent, but the emotional, mental, and financial abuse had escalated throughout.

In the last few weeks of our marriage, he became increasingly abusive, claiming he would have me sectioned, he would tell people I was an alcoholic / promiscuous / unfit mother (despite having no proof of me being any of these), and he would get custody of the children, if I left him. He began to act in a really intimidating and threatening way, and it turns out that he had been spreading rumours about me; that I was a 'functioning alcoholic' (I barely drink alcohol), or had been having an affair (I wasn't, and since he didn't allow me to have male friends or indeed socialise with any friends, I don't know how I could have had one)

I contacted Women's Aid who believed me and took me seriously. They offered me space in a refuge. I chose to go and stay with family, took the children, and left one evening when my Husband was out.

My family, friends and work colleagues have been amazing.

On the negative side, I've been through a really difficult time with family court. CAFCASS didn't believe XH had been abusive (although I'd been to my GP who had directed me to Women's Aid, I'd never reported him to the police, since he wasn't physically violent) and recommended shared residency. It's very difficult. I miss the children and worry about them when they are in his care. However I know that they will now tell me if he hurts them or if they are worried or scared when they are with him. XH still tries to control me through them, but it's not really working since they are beginning to be old enough to have their own opinions about things. Financially, I'm still living with the debt XH built up, unknown to me; he spent all our savings, and incurred some other joint debts. But I try not to think about that, what's done is done, in a few years time i will have paid off my share and, to be honest, I'd pay it twice over and live on beans on toast to be free of him.

On the positive side...I did manage to divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, and the relief of knowing I am free is just incredible. I wake up every morning feeling incredibly peaceful. I sleep well, I wake up feeling refreshed. I've lost weight (didn't mean to!) taken up sport again, and can go out with my friends or have friends round whenever I want. People keep telling me I am glowing.Smile It turns out I don't have SAD, I guess it was just a sense of dread at facing another dark winter with XH! Work paid for me to have twelve sessions of counselling, which helped me realise just how abusive things had been and helped me find ways to cope and begin to rebuild me life.
And...I have just started very cautiously dating a someone who I have been friends with for a while, it's early days, but for now, i'm just enjoying going for coffee or out for dinner with someone who is kind and respectful and understands that we need to go slow... Blush

So. I wanted to say thank you. AnyFucker you posted, and so did loads of others, and you helped me face up to the reality of what I had been going through.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 14/05/2013 23:18

jamjar I am so pleased to read this. I remember your thread well, and have thought of you often. I remember a lady colleague of ex was a good shoulder at the time. The future is bright, how wonderful for you!

AnyFucker · 14/05/2013 23:27

I remember you. I am so pleased to read this update. Not too surprised that he made it (and is still making it) very difficult for you, however.

Congratulations on getting this man out of your life (as much as possible while you still have dependent children with him). With every year that passes though, that will ease as your dc grow up.

How strong you must have had to be, even though you would never have acknowledged it at the time. I hope you look back and feel proud of yourself one day....I can see that will happen.

Take it slow with New Man, and enjoy it.

You deserve some happiness, as long as it comes from within yourself xx

jynier · 14/05/2013 23:46

I remember you, too!

Best wishes for the future! x

WinkyWinkola · 15/05/2013 00:04

I love that you're sleeping so well.

Well done on standing up and saying no more.

You sound dignified and full of happiness. Fantastic. Grin

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2013 07:33

You sound so happy. That's wonderful and I love your attitude about things like money. Very positive way of looking at it. Glad you got out in time to make a new life for yourself and that you're enjoying coffee with someone nice. :) Keep posting won't you? The more stories like yours people read, the more chance they'll be inspired to do the same thing.

newbiefrugalgal · 15/05/2013 07:55

A great update.
Well done OP you sound amazing and you children will be so proud one day (even if they don't understand now).

And thank you to the posters mentioned who have also helped me immensely!

MarjorieAntrobus · 15/05/2013 07:56

Good news. I remember your thread too.

Facelikeafriendlyapple · 15/05/2013 08:02

I didn't see your original post but I'm very glad you've managed to turn your life around. Stay strong and happy

JamJarCupCake · 15/05/2013 19:16

Thank you everyone, I'm incredibly touched by the number of people who remembered, and to those of you who remembered little details, yes, you've all remembered correctly.

I do have times when I feel a bit down or overwhelmed by everything, so I will get up, dust myself off and go to the gym or go for a run, and I find that puts things in perspective.
Things with new man are so far lovely, very slow, no pressure, all a bit unexpected really given that I was fairly determined to give up on the whole relationship thing and get a pet instead! I am still very wary, I do think that I keep expecting him to suddenly change and become controlling or abusive, and find myself watching for red flags like a hawk. Not a thing so far....but I'm still cautious. I don't know if its a good or bad thing, I waver between being cross with XH that he has left me so suspicious of people, and trying to see it as a good thing that I might now be better at spotting signs.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/05/2013 19:19

I think it's good that you are wary. We all should be. Putting your happiness in the hands of another person is a very risky business Smile

ThereGoesTheYear · 15/05/2013 21:09

Lovely to hear your update. Your thread haunted me, and it's great to hear that you're away from him.

Sugarice · 15/05/2013 21:15

I remember your thread and it's brilliant to read a year on that you've done it and left that bastard!!

It's good to be wary and not fall into a new relationship without caution.

All the very very best to you and your children, thinking of you.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 16/05/2013 01:01

I remember you, so glad it's worked out for you. You sound so much happier.

JamJarCupCake · 18/09/2013 14:34

I thought maybe I should give another update, just in case there is anyone reading who is in the kind of situation I was, and wants to know whether it really is better once you've LTB!

Its been over a year now. I'm doing really, really well, and so are the children. We are still following the pattern of residency set down by the court so they still see their dad every week, but I am managing that situation much better now, I still treat any communication with XH as I would a difficult work contact, only communicate by email and always polite and slightly impersonal.
As predicted when I left Xh told a variety of very inventive but untrue tales about me...how I wasn't coping with work, was a heavy drinker, socialised too much (that will be my weekly art class he was referring to, but he tried to imply id had an affair) and the most successful ' the court took the children away from their mum and made her come back to the city XH lives in and he cares for them most of the time' (this last one worked for a while if people only saw him occasionally) However he didn't seem to realise that people would talk, that people he had told his stories to would talk to people I know, who would ask them what on earth they were on about...and that put a stop to that.

Work is going well, I've discovered a new confidence in myself and my abilities (that I am sure is down to no longer having XH criticising me and not having to worry about what I would be going home to). Work have noticed and have recently promoted me!
The DC have been amazing. They are much more relaxed, much more affectionate but not in a clingy way, and eldest texts me every day , even the days he is with his dad, to tell me he loves me.

I'm still dating, the same man, still slightly stunned that I've met someone I enjoy spending time With so much. And who i fancy to bits. He seems very smitten, I am too but am still cautious. New DP knows a bit about what went on and is very very understanding indeed, but I feel its unfair to commit too much when I still have occasional wobbles that are nothing to do with new DP, but are a flashback to how things were with XH. For example, although id never admit it to him, i get wobbly about who new DP has as friends on twitter / Facebook, because that's one way that XH used to get in touch with his OW. So one of the hardest things for me to figure out is how I want to be in a relationship, what I think it is and isn't ok to ask about or know, and how I go about doing it.
Haven't introduced new DP to the DC yet because I'm almost sure it will cause XH to kick off again and I'm not sure I'm ready for another drama just yet! For now, am just enjoying his company but also enjoying having my own space to rebuild my life and rebuild me.

Debts are gradually being paid off, but guess what? Because I manage the money coming in and going out,there is always something left in the account every month and although we have to be careful, we are fine!

OP posts:
garlicbaguette · 18/09/2013 14:57

Oh, what a wonderful update :) Thank you! It's especially good to hear about DCs' improved confidence - this so often happens, contrary to fears for their wellbeing. Good luck with the new relationship; I think you are right to set your own, cautious pace. xx

Jux · 04/11/2013 09:00

Brilliant, wonderful! I remember you - don't know if I posted - and I am so glad to fond how well you are doing, now.

Congrats on the promotion!

Thanks for coming back Thanks

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/11/2013 09:05

Well done - it's good to hear of happy stories

go you!

HolgerDanske · 04/11/2013 09:18

This made me teary. I remember your thread, although I didn't post on it.

You sound positively blissful. What a gift you have given your children, too, in showing them that they can do whatever they need to for themselves and manage it well. A brilliant life lesson.

Good luck for the future!

Chusband · 04/11/2013 09:27

I really hope some people out there who are in shitty relationships read this and realise it CAN be done, you CAN have a better life, you just have to find the courage to grab it.

Good for you OP, you should be dang proud.

mammadiggingdeep · 04/11/2013 09:35

A lump in my throat reading that.

So pleased for you and wishing you every happiness. You deserve it.

Flowers
bibliomania · 04/11/2013 09:56

Wonderful! And I hope this might inspire a few lurkers who are wondering whether it's really worth all the hassle to LTB. It really, really is, a million times over. It's like escaping through the door of a cage - bloody terrifying at first, but when you start stretching your wings, you suddenly remember what it feels like to be alive.

BerylStreep · 12/09/2014 16:25

OP, I was thinking of you today, and on looking for your thread, realise it is almost exactly a year since your update. I really hope that things are still going fantastically well for you.

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