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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ask you all to tell me what you would think of this couple?

31 replies

EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 21:41

  • Becomes twitchy and anxious when away from partner, even for short periods and including on the phone. Lots of looking at watch, "oo-oooh!" noises and phone call to check in.
  • Goes away in a caravan for several days where they are just with one another.
  • The house they live in belongs to their partner outright: although they own their own home it is rented out.
  • Constantly touching: hand-holding, sitting right next to one another.
  • Shows little interest in previous hobbies/interests.
  • Rarely sees family or friends and when they do are twitchy and anxious as per first point.
  • Has been in highly abusive relationship in the past.

Now, I am not going crazy, am I - alarm bells would be ringing?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 11/05/2013 21:51

Sounds like a couple in the first throes of love.

fastdriver · 11/05/2013 21:52

I'm assuming you think that the anxious partner is being abused in some way by the other partner and that sounds like a pretty reasonable assumption based on what you have said.

I hope this person is not your child or someone you dearly love.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 11/05/2013 21:55

I don't think it's necessarily bad... Could it be severe anxiety, or the first throes of love like Viva said?

Original poster
EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 21:57

It's my dad. I was thinking about this posting on another thread earlier. I think part of it IS the first throes of love (even though it's two years later!) but given his history of being with mentally very abusive women, it is a concern, as well as (from a selfish perspective) sad for me as I very rarely see him and when I do it's like watching an anxious pony.

OP posts:
SchroSawMargeryDaw · 11/05/2013 21:58

DP and I are like this a lot, we're very happy together and neither of us is abusive in any way unless you count the stench of his socks.

It just sounds like they are happy together.

Only bit would be the twitchy/anxiousness but they might just be twitchy and anxious!

Vivacia · 11/05/2013 22:00

Yes, the nervous bit is the worry. In your shoes I would try to spend time with them both, if only to keep an eye on the situation.

Original poster
EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 22:06

Unfortunately this isn't an option.

Schro - possibly, I don't think she is actually abusive as such. What I do worry about is that everything and everybody is eclipsed to such a large extent. I have a brother, so my dad has a son and a daughter, also a sister, brother-in-law and two nephews, as well as many friends in the area, and hasn't seen or been in touch with any of us for months. It's the dependency I am concerned about really.

OP posts:
SchroSawMargeryDaw · 11/05/2013 22:09

So they have been together months and it isn't dying down at all? Have you told him you're worried about him?

Maybe he is sensing that people are worried and that's what is putting him off seeing people, maybe paranoia about what they think of him/his relationship?

Original poster
EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 22:11

I don't think so. I mentioned that I was a little concerned for the first time tonight - not so much because of abuse, but the way things are going if she was to die or leave him he would be absolutely lost (I didn't say that to him.) Although thinking about it, he wouldn't be: he'd just find another woman!

It is just a bit crap that we're in this situation yet again!

OP posts:
SchroSawMargeryDaw · 11/05/2013 22:13

I think some people are just dependent on having a partner and always assume everyone will still be there while they get caught up in their own thing. :(

Stepmooster · 11/05/2013 22:14

My DF was in an abusive relationship with my mother for many years. He now has a girlfriend who he's been with for 6 years. He doesn't live with her F/T, spends a lot of time/money which he can barely afford driving to see her (60 miles). She has dragged him on foreign holidays and he hates flying. He has a new wardrobe, he has new friends, new tastes.

If I ask him if he wants to come see his grandkids around xmas or something he has to run it past his social secretary, his term not my mine. It annoys the f*ck out of me that he can't make his own decisions and puts his girlfriend plans before his grandkids. When he's here he always has to ring her at 9pm or he gets 'twitchy too'.

BUT his girlfriend I am 99pct sure is not abusing him. He smiles more than I have ever seen, and looks a lot younger and healthier. He is just one of those people, probably more likely to be in an abusive relationship than others.

So if he is happy I keep my mouth shut. My concern is that he is in his 60s and when he gets old and ill will girlfriend still want him, they don't live together so I don't see their relationship as long term.

DF is his own man and I have decided to stop worrying and pick up the pieces if/when things go wrong. I know how you feel OP!

Stepmooster · 11/05/2013 22:14

My DF was in an abusive relationship with my mother for many years. He now has a girlfriend who he's been with for 6 years. He doesn't live with her F/T, spends a lot of time/money which he can barely afford driving to see her (60 miles). She has dragged him on foreign holidays and he hates flying. He has a new wardrobe, he has new friends, new tastes.

If I ask him if he wants to come see his grandkids around xmas or something he has to run it past his social secretary, his term not my mine. It annoys the f*ck out of me that he can't make his own decisions and puts his girlfriend plans before his grandkids. When he's here he always has to ring her at 9pm or he gets 'twitchy too'.

BUT his girlfriend I am 99pct sure is not abusing him. He smiles more than I have ever seen, and looks a lot younger and healthier. He is just one of those people, probably more likely to be in an abusive relationship than others.

So if he is happy I keep my mouth shut. My concern is that he is in his 60s and when he gets old and ill will girlfriend still want him, they don't live together so I don't see their relationship as long term.

DF is his own man and I have decided to stop worrying and pick up the pieces if/when things go wrong. I know how you feel OP!

Stepmooster · 11/05/2013 22:15

Double post-sorry!

Stepmooster · 11/05/2013 22:15

Double post-sorry!

Original poster
EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 22:20

Haha are you a twin Step? Seriously - thanks. My dad is like that - I did smile at "social secretary" - he doesn't even go to the shop to get milk without discussing it intently with her Hmm

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 11/05/2013 22:20

This sounds exactly like my relationship with DH and neither of us have ever been happier. I know what it is to be in an awful, abusive relationship and this definitely is not it!

Both of us were very happily single when we met and genuinely weren't looking for a long-term relationship.

Original poster
EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 22:25

Toby - honestly? Do you have children who you can't see or speak to regularly because of your spouse?

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 11/05/2013 22:26

No, they live with us.

fastdriver · 11/05/2013 22:30

I find this less worrying knowing it's an older man than I would have done if it was a woman of any age.

Older men often get very dependent on the woman in their life. My father would be totally lost without my mum (both in 70s). People also get more anxious about things as they get older, very often. Men who have been dependent on one woman will usually have the same kind of relationship with a subsequent woman.

What are you worried about, specifically? In terms of consequences. Are you a little jealous? Worried about your inheritance? I don't mean that to sound insulting I'm a mercenary cow myself so this would be an issue for me

Original poster
EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 22:33

Well, it's not exactly like their relationship then! Grin Seriously, I know it's not quite the same thing as I am assuming your children are not adults, but I don't think I have managed five minutes on the phone to my dad since 2011 as he starts getting anxious that she might need him Confused

It's sad, as it isn't just us but he'll never really know his grandchild either and that does hurt as he's the only grandparent he or she will have. I know it's his choice and his life, though and if he's happy ... but I suppose I do struggle to understand HOW he can be happy!

OP posts:
Original poster
EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 22:36

Fast, no, not jealous really although I am sad. I don't have a big family, and because he gets into these very intense relationships with women, we don't hear from my aunt much as he never contacts her and she's got tired of trying, I think. My brother is a waste of space! I am expecting my first child, and I feel sad that they won't really know him, or he them. I feel sad that his life is so dependent on one person. I DO worry he will end up in an abusive relationship again (he has been in one before and just couldn't see it and we didn't speak for nine years as she wouldn't allow it!)

He is a fussy sod so I get what you're saying but - god it's hard to describe - the sort of "oh fuck I've been talking to you for TWO MINUTES I must get you off the phone NOW!" is difficult not to take personally! The other problem of course is we have less to talk about as we don't talk, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 11/05/2013 22:53

Ok. Sorry. I must have read a different OP, because the one I read didn't say anything about not being able to see my family Hmm

Original poster
EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 22:58

I did in subsequent posts, I thought. I'm not sure why you're being so sarcastic - I wasn't rude to you.

OP posts:
Original poster
EdgeOfSociety · 11/05/2013 22:59

"Rarely sees family or friends and when they do are twitchy and anxious."

So you didn't read a different OP - like I say, it isn't the same really, as you see your family (your children) every day. I accept as I said yours presumably aren't adults but all the same, the point was fairly clear.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 11/05/2013 23:04

You haven't said anything which sounds like much more than that he's choosing not to have much contact with you.

Obviously you'd prefer to think that he's being controlled or abused rather than that he just prefers to spend his time with his partner than you, which is understandable (in a really weird way).

You seem to have made your mind up about this, so it seems odd to ask what people think about the situation and then tell them they're wrong Confused

Your prerogative, of course. Hope it all works out for you.

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