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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unforgivable?

54 replies

olivia12 · 11/05/2013 16:57

I apologise in advance for the long rant but I just feel like unburdening myself as I would never talk to anybody about this in RL.
Something happened today that has made me so angry at my husband and I feel has tipped the scale towards a separation because we have been so unhappy for so long, but still we keep trying for the sake of our daughter.
BUT what has happened today, I feel personally, really has taken things too far and I find it really hard to forgive him and I am usually a very forgiving person. He is not even sorry.
We were at a shopping centre after lunch in a restaurant and we were going past some shops. I said I wanted to go in a Warehouse shop and he said no, let's go. At this I said ok, but after a couple of shops he saw a suits shop and said I am going in. As he said that, I said while you are in there I am going to Warehouse. He said no to that, but I contested and said, yes I am going. He kept going in the shop, he went in with my daughter and I went to Warehouse. I stayed literally 2 minutes and returning to the suit shop, there was no sign of him anywhere.
I looked in the shop, everywhere, there were nowhere to be found, I tried calling him, no reply, I called 20 times, all the way to the platform station, then on the train, I had tears in my eyes, my daughter's coat in my hands and I was dumbfounded by this behaviour. I got home 15 minutes after and they were on the sofa, got home just a few minutes before me. He dared to say he didn't hear his phone, he didn't know where I was, but then he said like this I won't leave again next time. So he practically admitted he did it on purpose to teach me a lesson. I feel deeply ashamed in front of my daughter that he could do this, she is five year old and still innocent but soon will find out how manipulative he is.

How can I have any hope of a reasonable life with such a person? He often calls me names, also the one starting with a c, he says I am stupid and careless, lazy and he is often rude and has no respect for my feelings. I don't know how to fix this, when he is lovely I do love him, when he is horrible I hate him. I stayed this long, because I am scared to take that step and doing it on my own and I don't want to leave my daughter every weekend with him, he is a lovely father most of the time, but he can sometimes be a right idiot, as you can see from today's action.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 11/05/2013 17:48

Unforgivable.

Don't let him turn this around.

He sounds awful.

Flowers
Roshbegosh · 11/05/2013 17:51

Sgt Calhoun. Please tell us that you didn't stay with him.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 11/05/2013 17:51

Yes, unforgivable.
How can you be reckless by leaving without telling him? He was home first, means he left first. And how many missed calls have you from him?
Don't put up with this shit.

SgtTJCalhoun · 11/05/2013 17:55

I am afraid I did. By the end I had had a nervous breakdown. He was unfaithful, physically, emotionally and financially abusive and while that probably wasn't the first sign, it was the first time I got that punched in the stomach, sick feeling. I remember looking at him and thinking I will never forgive you for that.

Lweji · 11/05/2013 17:55

You would be justified in sending him to the shops and changing the locks.

More seriously, you are better off alone.
What a nasty man.

Roshbegosh · 11/05/2013 18:01

Oh Sgt, I am so sorry. Are you back? You, I mean?

Lavenderhoney · 11/05/2013 18:09

He sounds absolutely dreadful. Your poor dd must have been missing you and asking to wait. How could he drag her into " lesson teaching" ?

Staying with him for the sake of your daughter - she is exposed to all this emotional blackmail and stress, and you both surely deserve more.

See a solicitor and make plans to leave . I don't see the point in discussing it with him at all. He is clearly unreasonable and will certainly cause you problems. It doesn't have to be a joint decision to leave. If you have always kept a brave face to your family and friends, tell them if they will support you, but remember it will be new to them- you've had years of it so you certainly don't need to " see how things go" and prove anything.

Pendipidy · 11/05/2013 18:14

I am going to buck the trend and say forgivable. My dh and i had many similar issues but both wanted our marriage to work for our dc and us . We went to marriage counselling and our relationship is now much better. Not perfect, but we work hard at it.

SgtTJCalhoun · 11/05/2013 18:15

I am fine now thanks Smile. But the OP really brought it back. There's the name calling too she mentions in her post. This is not a one off or someone that lost their head for a moment. He calculatedly punished and inflicted humiliation on her. I would bet every penny in my bank not much it's not the first time and it won't be the last.

Roshbegosh · 11/05/2013 18:17

Sgt, would send you flowers emoticon if I knew how

AnAirOfHope · 11/05/2013 18:23

I would be so mad if anyone did that to me. You dont have to have this person in your life.

You know he will not change or listen to you and you will not win if you stay with him.

It is not your fault he is like this.
You can not change him
He is an adult that made this choice.
He did it mindfully, control you and punished you like you have no will of your own and your feeling choices mean nothing to him.

You do not have to live like that. You always have the choice to leave him and have limited to no contact with him.

Its up to you if you want to be treated like this, vote with your feet and see a good lawyer.

clippityclop · 11/05/2013 18:26

Nobody deserves to be treated like this...read the wisdom here over again, and start making a plan for a life without this person. Have courage, you'll be fine.

SgtTJCalhoun · 11/05/2013 18:27

Oh thank you.

Thanks Here I sent them to myself Grin.

Lavenderhoney · 11/05/2013 18:28

Op, what about updating the police about him approaching the dc and trying to change their stories, and updating your solicitor, plus if he is discussing this with the dc ( who would discuss strangling mom? Appalling behaviour)

Have you asked women's aid for advice, and what about ss? Surely discussing this type of thing is so upsetting for your dc, and who knows if he is threatening them that he will do it again if they tell? To me, that's harming and damaging your dc, even if its not visible, physically.

How awful you have to go through this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2013 19:00

Olivia

Do NOT under any circumstances do joint counselling with this man; abusive men just use this as a further weapon to beat their victims (I use the word victims in the plural here because I include your DD as well) with.

Joint counselling as well is NEVER ever recommended in these cases and no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together anyway due to the ongoing abuse he is meting out.

Please use the services of Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2013 19:02

Sgt

These are for you Flowers

wordyBird · 11/05/2013 19:05

Olivia12, your instincts are right: it's time to stop trying for the sake of your daughter.

Not only did he desert you without turning a hair, he left your little one without a coat. I don't know what it's like where you are, but it's chilly and wet here. No good father would leave his daughter without a coat in this weather.

Your daughter will grow up in a few short years. How long before he teaches her a lesson by abandoning her somewhere - then gaslights her by pretending he didn't.

Sorry to say counselling will only make him worse. Abusive people live in their own deluded world. They think they are normal, and you are the problem.

But counselling might be a good idea for you, if you want it.

One thing olivia12 - you're angry today, but you might feel calmer tomorrow. Don't minimise this behaviour though. Keep the momentum, re read your OP, and make tracks.

ladypippins · 11/05/2013 19:12

My h is verbally abusive too, in front not of our young son. He calls me a c, tells me I'm a f'g bitch, dense, slag - the works. He has also physically hurt me, on one occasion pausing to pull out the car ignition key to press into me tummy. When my son said 'did daddy hit you?' that was the final straw. Despite 'good' times it impacts and effects kids (what he had seen had made him cry). I'm out at the end of the month.

What you have experienced is not normal, not loving and does not form
part of a healthy loving life together - your daughter will grow up with a misguided perception of love. You need to protect her and yourself.

Solicitors offer free half hour sessions which will help give you some clarity about the practical stuff.

Good luck xx

Chandelierforagirl · 11/05/2013 19:18

He's trying to get you to heel. Sorry to put it that way but he's trying to get you to do what he wants by using behavioural lessons. my ex was that way. We went to therapy, it didn't help, he remained controlling, I left. We didn't have children, thankfully, I know that makes things harder for you. Keep your head up, do what you need to get your self respect up op.

Ridersofthestorm · 11/05/2013 19:25

Oh no how horrible, you must have felt terrible and worried to death when you couldn't find them. What an absolutely awful thing to do, he sounds like a control freak to me.

As for calling the mother of his child names like that is just unforgivable. You don't want your daughter growing up hearing him demean you this way, it is manipulative abusive behaviour. It sounds like you've already made up your mind about what you want to do, this was the final nail in the coffin I think.
If it was me I would have been like a rampaging bull when I got my hands on him after doing that.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 11/05/2013 19:28

He got what he wanted. 20 missed calls on his phone from his despairing, disobedient wife.

Now give him what he deserves.

appletarts · 11/05/2013 19:42

It's the sort of thing that is chilling, just makes you stop in your tracks. Leave him but do it very Don't tell him anything until you have a complete plan of action and have sought legal advice. Have someone come to stay with you when you break the news and get this person to stay with you until he has gone. Be prepared for him to emotionally abuse you over visiting daughter and know your rights and what you are willing to give him, todays events prove he cannot be trusted to respect your rights as childs mother. For me the c word alone would be the end, my dh is no saint but the c word for your wife? Monstrous. Speak to womens aid too so you know all your rights and support if he turns nasty.

appletarts · 11/05/2013 19:43

do it very carefully meant to say!

simplesusan · 11/05/2013 20:03

Some very good advice on here.

See a solicitor, make plans, then leave.

please don't stay with this awful man.

You know you will be dong the right thing in leaving.

jasmineramsden · 11/05/2013 20:13

How awful OP. In the context of previous behaviour and the fact that he is verbally abusive to boot I say unforgiveable too.
Who the hell does he think he is?
What a bully. You deserve much more than this. You and your daughter will thrive together away from this utter prick. Sorry but he is.