What not to say when dumping someone

[duffybeatmetoit]

Reading a thread recently the OP mentioned in passing some of the phrases they had used in ending their relationship. No doubt intended to soften the blow but having been on the receiving end I'd urge people to avoid the following:

1. It's not you, it's me - clearly not the whole truth and if you have any respect for them the truth is the least you owe them

1. I love you like a sister/brother - patronising and do you really have sex with your siblings too?

1. I've only got one life and I deserve to be happy -

totally narc and only accepable if you know the person whose life you are destroying has other lives in which they won't be sh*t on from a great height.

4, I want us to be friends - that is categorically not going to soften the blow

1. It's for the best - see above. It may turn out to be the best for them but it's not your call. At least be honest and say it's the best thing for you (narc again but let's face it how many people dump someone because they've put the other person's happiness first)

Much better to say that you're not happy because the other person has turned into their mother/won't let me have sex with other people/expect me to do everything or whatever.

If you avoid the horrors above you're far more likely to leave your ex with a bit of respect for you.

Why is dumping someone because we want to be happy, narc?
Why is dumping someone destroying their lives?

Surely every one has the right to finish a relationship.
Feeling that we have to have a good reason is why many women go on and on in unsatisfying relationships.

Why is it better to dump and character assassinate at the same time?

But it is for the best for them if you don't want to be with them.

My personal one by my ex

"I mean it's not your fault you're insecure, but wanting sex all the time isn't normal"

We averaged once a month in a six month relationship

But it might be not them at all but you

I finished with a man because it wasn't him it was me, I wasn't in the right place in my head for a relationship - I was too soon out of a long marriage and it wasn't fair on him.

How was that wrong?

And, well, I do only have one life and I do deserve to be happy, how is it Narc to say that?

It's very self centered to put your own happiness above that of your children particularly. It's having the guts to say that you know this could have long term negative impacts of the lives of those around you but you believe your personal happiness takes precedence.

It's not character assassination it's honesty. If the person you are dumping doesn't know why and there are plenty of threads from people where this has come out of the blue, have enough respect for the person you thought you loved to tell them why.

You may well be destroying the person's life if you have taken away their plans and dreams for the future. Their life may get better but they could be left struggling on their own with neither the time, funds or support to achieve a decent quality of life for themselves. This won't be helped if the person who dumped them is loved up and enjoying a far better quality of life.

We tell women here all the time that unhappy parents are not good for the children.

If he was a bastard after the split, particularly if there are children involved, it's one thing.
But, no, we don't owe anyone a relationship, and if someone is not truly happy, then it's best that they leave.
We owe truthfulness to the other person. I'd be angry if there were lies. But not a relationship.

If he is happy, then try to move on with your life.
It is sad for those left behind, yes, but life throws things at us all the time. Our dreams and hopes may be shattered at any time and we have to prepare for that.

If you feel your life has been destroyed, perhaps you should have some counselling?

Duffy that last post of yours has made me so angry I actually have to step away. I will write a reasoned response later as to why, as an abused wife, I was perfectly entitled to leave my husband and put myself and not anyone else first in that, but at the minute if I tried to comment any more than this I would be deleted and/or banned.

Just have a long look at yourself and thank all the gods in creation and stars in the sky you're not in the situation some people find themselves in that you can post such trite drivel. In my opinion.

I think I remember your husband left for another woman didn't he? Apologies if I've got that wrong.

If that was the case, the difficulty is that in those circumstances people have created an internal script about their dissatisfactions with a relationship that can be impossible to shift because if they allowed themselves to examine the truth, it would require them to feel guilt, take responsibility and to dislike their own actions. It's human psychology that when people do something they know to be 'wrong' they have to find justifications for it that make the 'wrong' more understandable or palatable. This is precisely why people feel the need to rewrite history, but the consequence of that can be to destroy and distort the other person's memories of their own life.

It is very cruel, but once you understand the process, it becomes easier to trust yourself and your own memories rather better than the person who has a need to distort your own reality.

Of course, it happens in reverse to some extent too and this is because of shock, hurt and loss of control. Many people idealise a lost relationship in these circumstances and it's only when enough time has elapsed to see the contrast that people look back and realise that the relationship hadn't actually been meeting their own needs for some time.

Charbon - is that to me?

Sorry, but I'm so angry I'm not thinking clearly.

To be clear, my husband at the time had another woman but I left him. Does that make any difference?

No - it was to the OP.

I support anyone's right to leave a relationship if there is unhappiness or a breach of trust, but I think the OP is saying that with that right comes a responsibilty to tell the truth about why you're leaving. So this would range from 'I don't trust you any more after you were unfaithful' to 'I've met someone else and I want to be with her, but this isn't your fault and our whole relationship hasn't been a lie'.

The thing that has made me angry is this comment

"It's very self centered to put your own happiness above that of your children particularly. It's having the guts to say that you know this could have long term negative impacts of the lives of those around you but you believe your personal happiness takes precedence."

How anyone could think that a mother who leaves an abusive relationship is putting her own happiness first or with precedence is beyond me.

Surely referring to a relationship ending as 'destroying lives' is a tad over-dramatic? Lives would be far more destroyed if incompatible, unhappy people stayed together and soldiered on for the the sake of it, and that's regardless of any children the couple may have.

If anyone genuinely feels the end of a relationship has destroyed their life, and they have no hope of happiness again, the surely counselling of some kind is in order?

I also think posters are misunderstanding the OP's situation here. This is a woman who has suffered profound hurt and if my memory serves me right, has been lied to consistently by her ex. I really don't think she is criticising people for leaving abusive or infidelitous relationships and that her posts have a context that you're not getting.

Ok Charbon. Well, in that case, I'm out because I've found what she has posted hurtful in the extreme and obviously that is not her intention.

That is why the context here is important.

It's not the leaving, but if there are lies within the marriage.
And it's not the leaving, but how the children are treated afterwards that is the issue.

Yes, this kind of post, particularly without context, can be damaging for women reading it.

Charbon is right. My criticism is of those people who consistently lie and think a few trite phrases will absolve them of their shitty behaviour. My ex has brought untold unhappiness to our DD but will not face up to to the damage as it threatens his self image. We struggle whilst he lives a happy life with his new partner and finds our upcoming divorce a source of amusement rather than regret.

Leaving an abusive relationship is something I would wholeheartedly support and not criticize.

I've had counselling and have accepted that the life I had worked so hard for and the dreams I thought we shared isn't going to happen. I don't have unrealistic expectations of my future any more and my quiet single life works. The most important thing is keeping my child feeling secure and loved.

Freddie taking your suggestion that I take a long hard look at myself and that I am generally felt to be spouting drivel and damaging women I will apologise and bow out.

I was having a bad day and shouldn't have offloaded. Realising how misjudged my comments were has reduced me to tears so lesson learnt.

OP well done for coming back and reading the comments and taking them on board.

It sounds like you're having a shitty time at the moment. Do you want to talk about it? It might be worth starting another thread if you're in need of some support.

Duffy - context is everything. Your comments reduced me to tears. The implication, without the context, in your initial post is that someone like me, who left an abusive marriage, has damaged their children and been putting my own happiness before theirs can't you see that?

I am sorry you are having such a shitty time, but I took your OP at face value and it made me angry and very very hurt and upset.

There are few things worse for children than growing up in an abusive household, of course it is not selfish for the wife to leave and take the kids with her, it's doing them all a favour. But I can't see that it was implied that leaving under any circumstances was selfish - obviously it's not. It's selfish if you've found an almost identically good replacement and you're causing massive upheaval by switching just for the sake of some novelty value.

If the dumpee doesn't really love the dumper, it doesn't too much matter, but if they do, they really have to say "I don't love you". Any other excuses just hinder to recovery process and confuse and aren't true. It makes for a clean break at least.

Freddie - if you are a mother getting out of an abusive relationship you are clearly protecting them not just looking out for number one. I do see what you are getting at, I didn't at the time because I was looking at it from my perspective just as you read it from your own perspective and not mine. I can only apologise again.

Sunny - thanks for the suggestion but this is not the place to offload as I can't think rationally enough to phrase things without unwittingly offending people.

Right. I get that somehow we have offended each other.

I'm leaving the thread and I hope it brings you the support you need.

Duffy, just a little hand hold. I did understand what you were getting at. I remember a poster saying that her cheating ex had said he wanted to stay friends. She fixed him with a beady eye and said 'would you want to be friends with someone who treated you like this?'. He conceded the point.

A few trite phrases does not excuse dreadful behaviour. It is like when you get a qualified apology:

• 'I'm sorry but you caught me at a bad moment' means it was in fact still my fault.
• 'I'm sorry if you were upset' means that it was my fault that I wasnt strong enough not to be upset.
• 'I'm sorry but I was upset about X,Y,Z' means that I actually owe you an apology