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Original poster

Help dh get his groove back!

28 replies

stripeysocks · 20/05/2006 16:25

I'm not a new MNetter, just changing my name to protect dh's identity!
My dh is 42, used to very sociable; when I first met him, I loved the fact that he had such a lovely, close-knit circle of friends; but for various reasons, (people moving away, divorces etc) his circle of friends has dwindled and now I worry about him. And he is worried too. He has no hobbies anymore, and the only people he can go out for a drink with are the handful of blokes he works with.
He sees he should maybe try to be more proactive in kick-starting his social life, but we're both a bit stuck.
He's not sporty, not an 'executive-type', not a 'rotary-club' type. He is very intelligent, bit of a philosopher, likes computers, reading, used to be in a motorbike club but kids etc kind of stopped that, but he's just lost his way IFKWIM. I'm worried he'll get depressed if we don't think of something soon.
Anyone experienced anything similar? Anyone got any ideas? How do blokes make friends when work isn't an option, he shares a company with another bloke with a workforce of, er, three!)
None of my friends' husbands seem to have much in common with him.
Help!!???

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 20/05/2006 16:26

he could do an OU course!

ediemay · 20/05/2006 16:29

no, there is loads of shagging during the OU residential weekends!
How about sport - join a local 5 a side or cricket club?

spacedonkey · 20/05/2006 16:30

is there?

mm I'm going on one in july Shock

ediemay · 20/05/2006 16:30

beware!

spacedonkey · 20/05/2006 16:31

yikes!

ediemay · 20/05/2006 16:34

just take lots of tweedy clothes and hang out in the library

spacedonkey · 20/05/2006 16:36

I'm sure the only ones who do that sort of thing are those who want to do that sort of thing though - those of us who are happily bepartnered will just be in a drunken shagless heap in the corner of the SU bar

ediemay · 20/05/2006 16:39

you'll be grand, just didn't think it was the best idea for stripey's DH

spacedonkey · 20/05/2006 16:40

sorry stripey for hijacking your thread but I have to ask which summer school did you go on edie?

Original poster
stripeysocks · 20/05/2006 17:58

LOL, there's no way he's going on an OU residential weekend - I know what they can be like :)

he's not sporty ediemay, that's one of the problems, otherwise I'd pack him off to a cricket or rugby club like a shot. Mind you, then he'd be away drinking every weekend and I'm actually quite fond of him and enjoy his company..I just think he spends too much time in my company if that makes sense.

Now stop hijacking my thread please ladies - I am seriously worried!

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 20/05/2006 18:00

now you two have got me really worried about that summer school!

spacedonkey · 20/05/2006 18:01

but as a matter of fact most OU courses don't feature residential weeks, so it could stil be an option. So ner!

I

Northerner · 20/05/2006 18:08

Could he join a local comittee or something? We have a community gala here and committee members are always welcome. or a night class in photography/spanish etc

My dh has an active social life - football, squash, golf.....

Original poster
stripeysocks · 20/05/2006 18:13

yes, committee a good idea; do they have poker 'committees'? Grin

He is not sporty though, so it's no good anybody suggesting a sports club - unless poker counts as a sport...(he has joined a poker club, but he hasn't found much good for socialising, as obviosuly, everyone is being competitive and poker-faced!)

OP posts:
Original poster
stripeysocks · 20/05/2006 19:21

bump for evening crowd

OP posts:
lastrolo · 20/05/2006 19:29

in our local club they have a poker night where the lads all get together and drink and play poker

FrayedKnot · 20/05/2006 19:52

Tell me about it!

DH is the same. He has no-one that I would call a proper friend, although does meet up with a couple of ex-workmates occasionally. Even to the point where when we got married, he had no-one to ask to be his best man.

His initial group of friends from when he was young, he has completely lost touch with, since he moved away from the area. We have since moved again and now neither of us know anyone!

I despair about it and think he would have a more rounded life iyswim, if he did have a social life, but tbh he seems perfectly happy with the situation. In fact, he gets quite anxious in big social groups where he doesn;t know many people.

I just wanted to say really that I think there are probably quite a few blokes like this and if he's OK with it, perhaps it's not a big problem.

Thinking practically, what about an evening class in something he's interested in?

frodofitz · 20/05/2006 20:33

I can relate to this one too. DH has maybe 1 friend and my brother and his brother. Both brothers are into on-line gaming and friend has physical difficulties. DH not fit in the slightest so sport TOTALLY out. Although have battled with the green eyed monster his closest friend is a girl at work, he talks to her about everything. I have to remind myself that he loves me and is only friends with her and although have accepted that now, it wasn't so easy a couple of years ago.
DH has just discovered fishing with friend with physical disabilities and they spend enough time out for DH to feel like he has a life and friend not to sieze up.
Was finding the whole spending 24 x 7 thing very hard and in a way has resulted in me taking some time off work because i never have time to myself. Not even a trip into town for 1/2hr alone.
Other than the on-line gaming i could see my dh keeping up with the fishing though whether solo or with friend as he could go it alone and meet some blokes (of few words) at the lake....heres hoping!

Gloworm · 20/05/2006 20:45

how about a mumsnet neet-up....not just MNetters, but their partners too?
he might make some good friends, he will have "yeah, mine never leaves the bl@@dy computer these days bl@@dy mumsnet" in common with the other husbands Grin

Hoopoe · 20/05/2006 22:08

Hmmm as a used-to-be-biker, I REALLY miss it. Can't he get back into it? Just for a nice Sunday ride occasionally? It'd put a spring back in his step guaranteed. Wish I could...

singledadofthree · 20/05/2006 23:47

hi
this will make me sound like a complete nerd but a while ago i had time to spare and found an excellent way to fill it and made quite a few friends along the way.
dont know if your dh is interested in local history/archaeology stuff - he may tho being a bit on the philosophical side. i joined a local history group that meets and does research work and as my interest was prehistory i managed to get them digging and doing other fieldwork.
its very trendy at the mo and theres lots of groups around that get lottery funding to run them.
is fun and have learnt loads and got to meet various academics from round the country - even turned down a spot on time team a while ago. it can get a bit obsessive tho and theres loads of like minded folk (anoraks to us) who will meet, work and drink for hours. seem to have missed out on the shagging tho....sigh...will do OU instead :o

Original poster
stripeysocks · 21/05/2006 11:43

thanks for all your ideas - and it's actually very reassuring to realise there are others out there identifying!
Hoopoe, I really miss the biking scene too. 10 years ago we had 100 bikers at our wedding, but it's amazing how people disappear when babies arrive and you can't just drop everything and go for a blat on a sunday :(
Frayedknot, he's not ok with it, he actually asked me to come on here and ask for some advice...God the whole family trusts MN Grin
I feel so guilty, I went out clubbing last night with some girlfriends and I know he was thinking ''It's Ok for her, she's got a posse to do that with.''
What he doesn't seem to realise is how much I've put into being proactive on the friends front. It doesn't come easily to me, to force myself to strike up convos with mums in parks, mums in the doctor's surgery, even Blush making friends with friends of friends IFKWIM. Because when I stopped working and had babies, my social life ground to a complete halt. none else I knew had babies - and many of them still don't. And while I'm not suggesting I lost touch with everyone, there's no denying parenthood can create quite a chasm twixt those who 'understand' and those who don't. People don't understand that for a long while you're knackered and can't keep the pace, or that you do need more than an hour to find a babysitter or that you can't just leave a baby with grandma every weekend. And then the phone stops ringing...and the invites dry up and then...
And the irony is now the kids are older, we are more available and flexible.
Sorry, don't mean to sound maudlin. You've probably all stopped reading by now Grin

OP posts:
fullmoonfiend · 21/05/2006 11:59

Just wanted to say my dh is exactly the same Stripeysocks. And grumpy to boot.

suejonez · 21/05/2006 12:07

I think voluntary work is the way to go, similar to what singledad said. National trust are always looking for volunteers, our local steam museum is (very manly!), conservation etc. There's a website called www.doit.org ? or something like that where you can type in what you're interested in.

Local amateur dramatic group are ALWAYS looking for men to help move scenery, box office etc and the social life tends to be pretty good (my brotehr whole family are involved).

catsmother · 21/05/2006 12:54

What about - if he enjoys reading - joining a book club ? Have never been to one myself, but from what I've read about them, people often take turns to "host" each weekly or fortnightly meet at their home, providing a few drinks, nibbles etc. and invariably, discussions about themes & subjects in books often end up becoming more personal (in a nice sort of way). So ... lots of opportunity (unlike poker) for finding out more about your fellow clubees.