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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Beyond a joke

43 replies

lillysgarden · 20/05/2006 15:56

I have been with my fiance for almost 2 years, he was always a bit odd but I thought he was just 'quirky' and he did make me laugh and all my family loved him, he would play practical jokes on people and whilst he was sometimes a bit ott I thought some people just dont take much seriously, anyway we moved in together 2 months ago and he seems to have turned totally nuts and I'm regretting giving up my old house. I cant talk to my friends as they just burst out laughing saying he sounds great or half the time they think I'm making it up and all my family still thinks he's great apart from my grandmother who thinks he has a screw loose and that I should get rid.

A couple of nights ago I went into the kitchen to find tea bags splattered up the cupboards, my son is only 7 so wouldnt have been messing around with hot water so I asked DP what he had been doing and he fell about laughing asking what I had seen, there were 2 wet teabags stuck to the cupboard with tea dribbling down them and onto the floor and while it might sound funny to anyone else the idea of a grown man slinging wet teabags at the kitchen cupboards is just bizare to me and it has also stained the cupboards.

I bought some satin underwear from anne summers with my birthday money a couple of weeks ago and I came home from work a day later to find the dog ripping them up Sad turns out DP and tried to dress the dog in them ready for me coming home and the dog had got pissed off and destroyed them, again DP was creased up laughing and hasnt even offered to replace them and I'm more annoyed as they were bought with money from my eldery grandparents.

a few days ago I asked him to put some sun cream on my son whilst I got his bag ready and I came downstairs to find purple sun cream all over his face, hair and uniform, as well as the carpet and settee. son said DP just suddenly went nuts and started squirting it all over the place, I then had a huge performance from son who was refusing to go to school covered in sun cream.

Lastly I asked him to give the bedroom a quick tidy yesterday as the plumber was due to fix the boiler, 10 minutes later I went upstairs to find all the clothes from the wardrobe all over the bedroom, the printer paper all ripped up and thrown all over the place and the bed matress on the floor, DP was sat in the corner of the room laughing like a mad man, I ended up having to ignore the door when the plumber arrived as I darnt let him in.

I cant even talk to him because he just bursts out laughing but its not funny anymore, he's ruining all my things and god knows what the neighbours think when they hear him screaming and making noises etc.

Theres loads of other stuff he's done too.

Is this bad enough to leave someone over? Could there be something wrong with him (seriously, as in medically) am I just being a misery? He says Im old before my time but I dont know anyone who acts like he does. We're both 27.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 20/05/2006 15:59

run for your life

I think your grandmother is spot on

.. what seems funny in small doses will be a nightmare to live with

he sounds like an 'I'm mad me' type of bloke

arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

spacedonkey · 20/05/2006 15:59

Yes, I think there could be something wrong with him, and it would be a good idea for him to see his GP. These sorts of behaviour aren't "normal", and no, you're not being a misery at all. You're living with someone who is exhibiting strange behaviours, which must be extremely stressful. Do you think he has always been this way or has his behaviour changed?

expatinscotland · 20/05/2006 16:01

Yes, that really is bad enough to leave someone over. In fact, if it were me I'd be using the past tense.

If there's something wrong w/him, medically, well you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I don't find ANYTHING funny about destroying peoples' stuff.

Sorry, I'm gonna be blunt here, but in the words of the terrific advise columnist Dan Savage, DTMFA.

That stands for dump the mutha f*cka already.

SoupDragon · 20/05/2006 16:01

Are you serious??

Kathy1972 · 20/05/2006 16:02

It does sound like there might be something wrong. What it calls to mind for me is bipolar disorder (which a bf of mine had but was not diagnosed till after we broke up) - people with that can do strange things during manic periods. However I'm not an expert and there are probably all sorts of other problems that might cause him to behave like this.
Have you discussed it with other friends/family who know him? You may find other people have noticed things too.

Twiglett · 20/05/2006 16:02

he could be manic depressive and cycling up (its called bipolar now though isn't it)

Twiglett · 20/05/2006 16:02

x posts

spacedonkey · 20/05/2006 16:03

Yes I was thinking bipolar or something along those lines. From your description it goes beyond "I'm mad me" type behaviour

Kathy1972 · 20/05/2006 16:04

Sorry, just read your post again and realised you had tried talking to friends and family.

Twiglett · 20/05/2006 16:05

\link{http://www.dbsalliance.org/info/bipolar.html\bipolar disorder description}

if it is this it is treatable

Original poster
lillysgarden · 20/05/2006 16:21

Thanks for the replies, I have read up on bipolar but he doesnt seem to have lows, just constant stupidness all the time, he gives the families underwear to the dog to rip up (just drops them into the dog bed on the sly making out that the dog has got them herself), throws food around, takes the batteries out of the tv/dvd/stereo/skybox remotes and celotapes them to walls etc. He put a huge picture of a dog poo as my computer desktop picture when he knew my mum was coming to use the pc, tips bags of sugar up all over the floor and when he's at his worst he picks things up in shops and just slings them around, not groceries etc but in toy shops etc.

he's also quite violent sometimes, we'll be sat watching tv and he'll suddenly spin around and hit me or jump on me and start pretending to beat me up but he gets so excited that he usually ends up hurting me, he'll just scream all of a sudden or get the tv guide and throw it across the room or litrally just pick it up and rip it to shreds for no reason at all, it really is like living with a nutcase. We dont see his mum much but the one time we went around there he waited behind the door for her to come through and then jumped on her and tried to do all these wrestling moves on her but she didnt seem too bothered as if she was used to it even though she endeed up on the floor. He also kept grabbing her stomach and saying things like "hello mums belly!" and "mum, how come your belly is the only belly that talks?" and she actually answers him properly saying "it doesnt talk" etc Shock this is when it really looks like there is something wrong.

What can I do? I cant just say Im leaving you because you're a nut but at the same time I think he scares my son and to be honest he scares me sometimes, I keep expecting to come home to a huge flood or even the shed on fire or something.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 20/05/2006 16:24

ask his mother..

expatinscotland · 20/05/2006 16:26

it really is like living with a nutcase.

It IS living with a nutcase - a violent one, too.

Sorry, but, you have a child involved here. No one needs to tell you your son is your first obligation. You have a 7-year-old kid who is scared to live in his own home b/c of this violent sicko and this boy has NO choice to move on our not. You have, however.

Imagine what would happen if an alert teacher or classroom assistant were to notice your son was w/drawn or quiet and find out the truth about his home situation?

Is this really something you want to risk over a man?

Sorry to be blunt, but if this man is beating you and your child feels uncomfortable or threatened in his own home, it really does seem there's only one option.

Twiglett · 20/05/2006 16:47

you say

"your behaviour is increasingly worrying me and scaring my son .. if it doesn't change we will have to leave .. do you think you might be able to change"

then see what he says

if he shrugs it off pack a bag and get out

you will only end up hating him

Freckle · 20/05/2006 16:47

I'm sorry, but I can't actually believe you are asking for advice here. Your course of action should be abundantly clear. You and your son are in emotional and physical danger. Why are you still there?

Original poster
lillysgarden · 20/05/2006 16:52

because he is a nice person, he's always coming home with presents for my son and sometimes for me, he cooks dinner sometimes (if he doesnt have a mad turn half way through) and he is usually good to talk to. He doesnt actually beat me, he just goes nuts, its as if he cant control himself, I know when he's going to 'go' because he starts kicking his leg if he's sat down or swinging his arms if he's stood up. Could it be something more serious like schizophrenia or am I blowing it out of proportion?

He also has an obsession with my camera and sometimes gets a funny turn and starts following me around with it and films me watching tv etc. Its hard to explain, he's a nice bloke, its just when he goes 'funny' that I wonder what the hell is going on.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 20/05/2006 16:55

he clearly isn't able to be a partner at the moment either you are exaggerating or you need to take steps to make your life safe

Rhubarb · 20/05/2006 17:06

ADD in an adult? Seriously, this cannot be good for either you or your son! What do his parents say? Could you not get someone to take him to one side and have a quiet word? He either needs to see someone or you have to leave him. You really do. This will quickly turn into an abusive relationship. The man has a problem, I don't know what that is, no-one on here can give you a spot diagnoses like that, but he is clearly disturbed in some way and if he fails to recognise that or fails to get help, then you are in a pretty dangerous situation I would say.

Move you and your son out until he agrees to get help. I am worried about you. My dh had schizophrenia and this doesn't sound the same, it sounds worse!

zippitippitoes · 20/05/2006 17:19

i agree no one can say why he is behaving like this, it doesn't sound like shizophrenia or bipolar to me..it does sound like you are very vulnerable

Kathy1972 · 20/05/2006 18:05

Lillysgarden, people with bipolar disorder don't always have lows, and some have the lows but no highs - my ex-bf started having extreme manic periods after years of mildly eccentric behaviour. However, I'm absolutely not saying it is bipolar, and if you have already read about it and it doesn't seem to fit you are probably right.

I do understand, though, why you are doubting yourself and asking 'am I blowing it out of proportion?' if people around you are saying it's fine - this happened to me and everyone just told me not to worry about it (then later of course it escalated and I realised I had been right all along). You know better than anyone what the reality of the situation is, so do trust your intuition.

I wish I knew more about what services are out there for people with mental health problems (and whether there is any way of referring someone else) but I wonder if talking to the Samaritans might be a good plan - they deal a lot with people with all kinds of mental health problems and should be well up on what services and organisations exist. In any case an actual conversation with someone not involved is always helpful in helping you see where you stand.
Best of luck.

vitomum · 20/05/2006 18:17

i think the key thing here is that you are scared and so is you son. so this cannot go on. If he is good to talk to as you say then you need to talk about this. Ask him if his behaviour is something he can control and if so ask him to do so. If he cannpt control himself then i agree with the others who suggest a mental health problem, in which case proffessional help is needed. If he is not at a point when he can consider engaging with professional help then i would get out - this is too big for you to take on alone.

Trifle · 20/05/2006 18:41

Who clears up after all his mess. Does he clean the kitchen after smearing it with used tea bags? Does he sort the mess out in the bedroom? Does he put the mattress back? Does the reality of having to clear up the chaos he has created cause him to think about his actions? Presumably you do it so the tediousness of having to put it right doesnt really hit home.

FrayedKnot · 20/05/2006 19:01

I think you have to ask yourself this.

You live with this man and he acts in a very strange way sometimes. It seems like he possibly loses control or doesn;t realise how anti-social his behaviour is. Sometimes the behaviour is violent although you don;t think he means it to be, perhaps he just doesn;t know his own strength.

You don;t know why he behaves like this but you wonder if it could be a mental health issue.

How much further are you prepared to go before something he does causes a serious accident or worse, to either yourself or your son?

zippitippitoes · 20/05/2006 19:07

he sounds like he doesn't have very well developed social skills, what do you know about him..does he work..

moondog · 20/05/2006 19:11

Barking!
Utterly barking!!

Wow at getting his mother into wrestling moves......

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