On the brink of an affair... Is there any way these things work out ok?

[ontheprecipice]

I suppose I know the answer.

BTW, I am a regular, but have NC's for obvious reasons... Am not a troll, even though this could be considered a very troll-like first post.

I am on the brink of an affair.

I am married with two children. So is he. We both intend to stay with our spouses, but neither of us have active sex lives within our marriage, or much in the way of intimacy. Otherwise the marriages work ok. I wouldn't describe myself as massively happy or unhappy in mine. I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, my husbands or my young childrens lives by separating. He is broadly in the same boat.

We met via work (but we don't work together). Instant chemistry and attraction on both sides.

We have been emailing and speaking on the phone. We have had coffee a couple of times. The last time in the middle of an innocuous conversation he reached over and kissed me. Neither entirely unexpected or unwelcome. We then went for a walk and kissed some more.

I know the next time we meet, we will probably end up sleeping together.

I never thought I would consider such a thing. But I've never felt more alive. I feel like a woman again, for the first time in years. Paradoxically, I feel good about myself for the first time in ages. Not good as in 'virtuous' obviously. But good as in interesting, desirable, womanly.

I don't know if want some sense talked to me, or reassurance that a dalliance doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage.

I'm bracing myself.

And Hec. Having to have sex with your DH to stop him behaving unbearably is wrong on so many levels.

If you need to have an affair, at least chose a man who is single.

I had an affair too. I was unhappy in our marriage, DH had no idea how unhappy I was.

It was the single worst thing I could possibly have done. Devastating to the whole family and when XDH and I split up I was the bad bitch who'd shagged another bloke (true) and he became the bad-done-to martyr (not so true).

My advice: do without, or get a divorce.

Another ditto to perfectstorm.

Like purplewithred I had affairs in my last marriage. They happened because I was so deeply unhappy, so downtrodden that it was a childish and stupid way of hurting/hitting back at my husband. Luckily I had a moment of realisation and I ended the marriage, and yes, he could portray me as a slaggy bitch, but actually, I don't give a fuck. The affairs were the symptom, not the cause.

And this soon-to-happen affair of yours, is also a symptom. A symptom of your deep unhappiness. But you have a choice to not be the slaggy bitch, you have a choice to really think hard about what you want. Your husband sounds like an arse, and a double-ditto to all the comments about him using you like a household appliance. How DARE he not take any responsibility for your sexual enjoyment. I would be fuming.

It does sound like you really need to work hard on your self-esteem, to find some strength to either change your marriage, or get out and accept that life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage just because you are scared of the future.

If you're the type of woman who believes in fidelity and monogamy, then you will not feel better about yourself after you have sex with your lover, even if it is mind-blowingly good. (And not all players are selfish when it comes to sex - I disagree with that particular PP).

So go find a mirror, look yourself in the eye and tell yourself that you deserve to be happy in all aspects of your life. Then make the changes that get you there. I suspect this player is not one of the changes that you need to make though.

I cannot but echo perfectstorm as well.

If you are sceptical of the merits of therapy in your case, how about contacting an organisation like Relate first on your own and putting your questions to them (i.e. is there any hope of a sexually fulfilling relationship with your husband if you have never enjoyed sex with him before?)

If you go ahead, you are choosing an option 5 - ending the marriage in any meaningful sense, just not telling your H.

Actually, to have reached this point, you have already done so.

You are choosing the most messy and harmful option. And it is entirely your choice.

You are already lying and betraying your H and your DCs. You are choosing the path that will maximise their pain and yours. Now, you are free to make this choice. But do not delude yourself about its serious and far-reaching consequences.

I have sex with my husband, otherwise he is unbearable.

Your marriage is over. It has been for a long time. What you describe above is not a marriage, not in the true emotional sense. What you have currently is a live-in co-parenting arrangement. You can still have the workable co-parenting arrangement if you separate; in fact, you have a much better chance of keeping the otherwise civil day-to-day collaboration you have with your husband if you separate now, rather than when (that's when, not if) your affair gets discovered.

I don't think there is any point trying to save your marriage as frankly, from what you describe, you didn't get the whole package to start with. I also think that on some unconscious level you actually want this affair to lead to the break-up of your marriage, to take it out of your hands, because you can't face taking it on yourself and doing it the honest way. But believe me, the break-up after the affair route is much worse than the break-up for more honest reasons.

You worry about devastating the children; children survive divorce. Yes, it's awful for them, but it will be easier for them to come to terms with if they understand that mummy and daddy weren't happy and decided to do something about it, rather than mummy hurt daddy by loving another man (and no matter how much you could paint your husband as the bad guy, they will feel a terrible, soul-rending sympathy for the betrayed parent).

One last thing: you say the OM has had a string of affairs and his marriage is intact. It isn't; his marriage is a house of cards, only his wife doesn't know it. Yet.

I have tried to PM you OP but am getting an error message. Let me know if you receive.

If you really want to have sex with this other person please end your marriage first. If you don't want your marriage to end, then take time out to consider what you want and don't rush into things. You'll only end up hurting everyone else (husband and children) if you embark on such an affair.

Choosing to embark on an affair (which you're already having, in my eyes) is selfish and inexcusable. If your needs aren't being met in your current marriage, then either work on it or end it! There's no good excuse for an affair IMO. Don't become yet another "woe is me I want to feel alive" statistic. Choosing to deceive and hurt in order to feel "alive" is not acceptable, you know this in your heart. Do the right thing and choose to act honorably. You'll feel better in the long run. Life is too short to be miserable, but it's too long to have to live with the guilt and fallout if you don't do the right thing.

Lack of sex doesn;t seem like a good enough reason to end it.

If lack of sex is a good enough reason to have sex outside your marriage without your H's consent, then yeah,it's a good enough reason to end it.

Accept it, change it or leave it. You have honourable choices about dealing with your sexless marriage, impaling yourself on a untrustworthy penis ain't one of them.

You'd be surprised by how fast the "I feel so alive" feelings get replaced by the sinking and shit kind that come with being a liar and a cheat.

Do you use condoms with your H?

You will of course after having even protected sex with a third party as they are not 100% effective against STIs and no one deserves that risk.

Right?

I found out about "H"'s affair five years later. Something happened completely beyond his control and it all came out.
Please don't is my advice. Simply not worth it.

Don't go down that road, OP. Be smarter than that, ok? You are thinking with your vajajay similar to guys thinking with their cocks. Engage your brain.
I agree with self service options.

I agree with others that recommend solving the problem of your marriage.

If you feel the marriage "has run its course" then be honest about it. End it. And then find a man who will be available for the kind of relationship you are looking for, which I seriously doubt will be with this bloke whose hobby appears to be serial whoring.

Sorry if I sound preachy, I do not mean too (frustrated with techno thing that presumes to choose my words for me).

This is sad. You should be putting the effort into your marriage not impressing some man you hardly know. Imagine how your husband and children would think of you if they found out. It seems to all be about your ego.

It is always easy to let your heart (and hormonal lust) get the better of your morality when faced with temptation.

I would strongly suggest you run in the opposite direction. It is naive to think there won't be massive fall-out from this even if you think you are going into it "with eyes wide open".

You cannot keep your feelings in check necessarily no matter how much you go into an affair thinking it's all about sex...

I know I have to end it.
I don't want to be that person.

I don't really want to be this person either, mind you...
I feel worse than I did before, all of you who said I would, you were right.

A taste of honey and now everything else tastes more bitter than it did before.

God. I feel so hopeless about it all.

I don't even know where to start. H is barely home. Right now he's in a different continent. Next week he'll be in another country Tuesday-Friday.

Is there even any point...?

He wants a wife. I don't think it really matters who I actually AM.
I don't think he even knows who I actually am. I am a job description.

He says "I love you because you're my WIFE." I'm supposed to think it's sweet. I find it insulting. I am not WIFE. I am ME.

This OM, at least made me feel like ME.
Even if he is a lying, cheating cock-lodger.

All those who PM'd me. Thank you. I'll reply, promise. And I appreciate your honestly and desire to help. Just balancing work and single-parenthood ATM so tight on time...

Could you end the marriage and co-parent in the same house.
So you split up but stay together, if that makes any sense?
Not sure what he is like or if it's something he would agree to. I think you need to get out of the marriage though.

lydiajones you need to go back through and read the whole thread.

He wants a wife. I don't think it really matters who I actually AM.
I don't think he even knows who I actually am. I am a job description.

He says "I love you because you're my WIFE." I'm supposed to think it's sweet. I find it insulting. I am not WIFE. I am ME.

^^ This. This is where you start. This is what you say to your husband. And back it up by saying that the lack of interest in your sexual satisfaction is just one symptom of that.

There really really is a point in doing that. The point is that you will stop being WIFE and will become YOU, either through leaving your husband, or in the best case scenario by him realising how much he does not value you and going with you on the journey to be YOU not WIFE.

I think the three options you outlined are correct.

I have never heard of someone who started having great sex after years when they never had it in the first place.

Great sex is amazing and when I have been in the fortunate position of having it I can understand why people would risk everything for it.

Lots of people have affairs. It doesn't make them terrible people.

People who have been wronged by an affair are over represented in Relationships. Surely you know this? Why are you posting here?

Whitebird - where would you suggest I post it?

My intention was not to rub salt in anyone's wounds. But this is a relationships topic, not a "people recovering from a partner's affair" topic. My situation was clear from the title. if someone feels it's too close to the bone for them to read, they are under no obligation to do so.

Besides, the responses from people on the other side of the fence, have been the most compelling in my decision to stop this. Now.

I'm sorry if it was painful for them to respond, and I am especially grateful to them if it was and they posted anyway.

I'm in a desperate situation in my marriage. I didn't realise how desperate, actually, until able to talk about it here. But if that is not permitted on the relationships topic, then I guess there is nowhere to discuss it after all.

All I've done at this point is meet this guy. Once. We kissed. Once. We have spoken half a dozen times on the phone and emailed some. I hardly think that requires me to be branded with an S on my forehead.

The earlier poster who said people who have shit sex or no sex often go on to have great sex. Eh? How on earth can that happen? I think that is nigh on impossible.

But OP, I agree with most of the posts on here telling you to finish your marriage. I don't think you will though.

Just to add to what others have said re: players. I've been involved with a couple of these types, the philanderers, who lie easily and need the rush and thrill of a woman to seduce and chase. They never want what they have after they have had it. At least not for very long. No matter how amazing the sex will be (or not, he might be rubbish) you are nothing but a conquest to them.

They have a need to be admired, to be 'loved' by (ie be able to fuck the woman and have her gasp-y admiration), to 'conquer', a woman, and it doesn't matter much who. So long as someone is there to chase and to massage their ego then its all good to them. They will make you feel like a goddess because they figured out exactly how to do that.

However they have the emotional depth of a puddle at best and are inherently untrustworthy and selfish.

Even if you had this amazing sex you seek with this man, it will be gone sooner rather than later when he moves on (probably sooner) and then where are you? Back to exactly the same position you were before...well not exactly the same, you will also be saddled with the guilt and loss of personal integrity.

Having been someone lucky enough to have experienced mind blowing sex, and great passion with people I can tell you it is not worth it unless the rest of the relationship / interaction is also good. Passion alone turns sour very quickly and then you regret like hell where you let your fanny lead you.

Why can't you have a frank conversation with your husband where you lay it on the line? Where you say that the situation has got to the stage where you have been seriously considering seeking sex elsewhere? And see what his reaction is?