On the brink of an affair... Is there any way these things work out ok?

[ontheprecipice]

I suppose I know the answer.

BTW, I am a regular, but have NC's for obvious reasons... Am not a troll, even though this could be considered a very troll-like first post.

I am on the brink of an affair.

I am married with two children. So is he. We both intend to stay with our spouses, but neither of us have active sex lives within our marriage, or much in the way of intimacy. Otherwise the marriages work ok. I wouldn't describe myself as massively happy or unhappy in mine. I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, my husbands or my young childrens lives by separating. He is broadly in the same boat.

We met via work (but we don't work together). Instant chemistry and attraction on both sides.

We have been emailing and speaking on the phone. We have had coffee a couple of times. The last time in the middle of an innocuous conversation he reached over and kissed me. Neither entirely unexpected or unwelcome. We then went for a walk and kissed some more.

I know the next time we meet, we will probably end up sleeping together.

I never thought I would consider such a thing. But I've never felt more alive. I feel like a woman again, for the first time in years. Paradoxically, I feel good about myself for the first time in ages. Not good as in 'virtuous' obviously. But good as in interesting, desirable, womanly.

I don't know if want some sense talked to me, or reassurance that a dalliance doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage.

I'm bracing myself.

If you are so unhappy in your marriage, what is stopping you from leaving it? Also if all you want is " great sex outside the marriage" you could go on an NSA website and just have some great, unemotionally attached sex. But I suspect that's not what you really want...

Ah OK I thought you meant you had no sex life.

Still, I dont judge people in moribund relatio ships, I dont see why they should always be kept going.

Also, its not all bad news -statistically many affairs are never discovered, some people report it helps them keep the marriage going, others eventually see it as their way of exiting a dying relationship.

In an ideal world you are supposed to divorce first and then find love, but IME you can count the people who do that on one hand.

I guess the real question you have to answer OP is how would you handle the worst case?

Sorry about this but do you have a vibrator? If not you should get one. The other posters who say that you need to improve your self esteem and discover yourself are right. Satisfy yourself sexually first. Have great sex with yourself. your sexual desires MATTER. I think your husband sounds horrible!!!! How can he enjoy sex with you and not feel the need to make it enjoyable for you????

Maybe once you've satisfied yourself in this arena, you'll have a calmer vantage point from which to view things ;-)

Whatever way you paint it, it is just shagging...

Old woman here; have only read your original post.

Don't have an affair! It will lead to misery eventually. Try and get things sorted out with your H and THEN make a decision.

ontheprecipice - yes I guess it's much less likely if you've never had good sex at all. f

Go for it!

Fluffy Shagging is great, right time, right place, right person. And when it's right. Not when it's wrong. Would you agree? :)

^Difficult to imagine how our marital sex-life might improve... Even with therapy.

DH would have tp be in the country, for one, then not too busy with work, and subsequently willing to accept some responsibility. And why would he? He's satisfied enough. The fact that I "can't" orgasm with him ? my problem...^

If he's insisting on sex while not caring if you want it, never mind enjoy it, and he bullies you into conceding, then yeah IMO that's abusive. You don't owe anyone your vagina, full stop. And while you offer really solid reasons for not wanting the marriage to end, you owe it to the kids to try to sort things out with their father. A decent counsellor, if you say what you have here, will not allow him to dismiss your distaste for sex with him as your problem alone. They will not allow him to claim your sexual satisfaction is your sole responsibility.

Frankly in your shoes I'd tell him sex is a privilege, not a right, and if he is too lazy to try to make you feel desired and desiring then tough shit. If he threatens an affair you can offer an open marriage, no problem. He's taking you for granted, and you are looking elsewhere, and this can only end badly. You can force therapy and then you can try to turn the ship around.

And I couldn't agree more that you need to explore your own sexuality, too. Have you a Kindle? When he's away download some erotic fiction, see what you enjoy there and what turns you on. You aren't a form of sexual household appliance, no wonder you don't want sex with him. But an affair with an arse is not the best, nor the only, possible outlet.

I'm afraid I think the die is cast now. I honestly cannot see you backing away from this now it has got this far.

It seems to be more a question of how you manage the situation in the future. Hopefully you're pragmatic enough to realise that this isn't a meeting of minds and that none of this is about your individual personal qualities and high regard for eachother. You are instead playing 'prop' roles in eachother's lives. His is to make you start a love affair with yourself again and yours is to provide yet another pleasant and interesting diversion in his life. In truth you could be just about anyone to eachother, so bear that in mind in your evaluation of this situation.

This is high-risk stuff because affairs are so often discovered and the situation you seek to prevent could be taken out of your hands. The riskiest affairs are with married people because their partners' actions on discovery are out of your control and many seek to inform the OW's spouse. Your risk assessment should factor in whether you will be able to cope with your marriage ending, seeing less of your children and your husband and others blaming you for your actions.

It is always a mistake to settle for an unsatisfactory sexual relationship but if you're not prepared to end a marriage for this perfectly sound reason (and has been pointed out, it's never the only reason) then it is a very passive-aggressive act to seek a covert prop to enable you to continue making a bad life choice.

If you weren't so far along in this dilemma, I'd suggest some counselling on your own to examine why you're choosing this route instead of a more transparent and open way of operating, but I suspect unless you pull back which seems unlikely, that would be wasted just now.

In the initial stages of an affair, it is common for a difficult marriage to seem easier to bear and many people (and their partners) recall afterwards that an early delusion was that the affair was a good thing because of improved mood and temperament at home.

This rarely lasts for both of the participants. What tends to happen eventually is that one gets more involved emotionally than the other, or more addicted to the sex and the painful craving of it, while others find the sneaking around, guilt and deception overwhelming and stressful. In most cases, there is collateral intrusion and damage in Real Life and this is especially true of people in first affairs.

If you're certain that you cannot build a satisfactory sex-life with your husband, the mature thing to do would be to acknowledge that your methods of coping with that have run out of steam and that you don't want to continue living that way. That is a perfectly reasonable position to be in. But the adult and assertive way to deal with that would be to end the relationship kindly and achieve a good co-parenting relationship. The alternative and passive-aggressive way of dealing with your expired coping mechanisms would be to have an affair.

It's notoriously difficult to see things clearly when you are blinded by lust and a renewed infatuation with yourself, but it's helpful to acknowledge that your actions now will be active choices with full awareness of the risks involved.

sounds like none of our fellow contributors has ever a) been in your position, b) been tempted or c) will admit it.

To feel alive = great
my only problem is he sounds like a knob

Yes, you go ahead - have an affair, you know you're going to.
Feel like a woman again.
Indulge yourself and BE selfish for once.
You are interesting and womanly - why shouldn't you revel in it?

Don't give any thought to your husband's anguish if he finds out; why should you consider HIS feelings? It's YOU that's important now and having YOUR needs met should come FIRST! He DESERVES to be cheated on because - well, I guess because you decided he does. If he kicks up a fuss (although why should he?) you can reassure him that it is not your INTENTION to leave him - I think you could also point out that if HE decides to 'disrupt' the marriage because of your affair IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

So you have a couple of kids - okay, they'll be upset, their lives will be torn apart and they'll cry themselves to sleep for a while, but you'll still get to see them after the divorce. Life is tough, it's good for them to learn that lesson when they're young.

You don't need to give any thought to the other guy's wife and kids - they're NOT your problem. Anyway the guy's a habitual liar and cheat - I guess his family's probably used to dealing with the fall-out each time another woman comes on the scene.

I like the word 'dalliance' - good choice. Gets away from nasty words like 'affair' - that smacks too much of lying and cheating and deceit and what you're doing is just feeling ALIVE and WOMANLY. And I'm glad that you're feeling good about yourself as you prepare for your GREAT ADVENTURE - it will help when you're explaining to family and friends WHY you made the choice you did to wreck your marriage. Although a word of caution here; as someone else has already suggested I would visit the clinic and get tested regularly once you're into the affair because having chlamydia is NOT a good feeling I understand.

So, you go ahead and enjoy your affair!

Oh, one more thing - when it all blows up in your face and the OM's wife is in bits because her marriage has finally gone under - do try and get a message to her that she'll find lots of support here on MN.

As you have done.

Perfectstorm says ''Frankly in your shoes I'd tell him sex is a privilege, not a right, and if he is too lazy to try to make you feel desired and desiring then tough shit. If he threatens an affair you can offer an open marriage, no problem.''

And shes pretty much spot on - IF you choose to go this route, I'm not so sure about the next paragraph tho, as reading a book might not be enough :)

But a full blown affair? Well, if you can separate the emotion from the penetration, then I don't see why not, you'll need some basics, like spare phones, 2nd email accounts, using the private option in Chrome or IE8 and a new gym membership as cover for your absences and returning home freshly showered......

And shes pretty much spot on - IF you choose to go this route, I'm not so sure about the next paragraph tho, as reading a book might not be enough

Oh, it wasn't instead of an open marriage, if that's what they go for. It was something I think she needs to do for herself - erotica, toys, whatever. It sounds like she isn't too sure of what sexual stimulation she needs (and in a marriage as grim as that one sounds, who would be) and I think she'd do well to get back in touch with that aspect of herself before looking for anyone else to satisfy it.

Bluntly sexual partners need to be pretty good before they can match skilled masturbation, IMO. I'm very happily married, now, but until I got together with DH sex was emotional in payoff, more than physical. Knowing what does it for her at her own pace is important - anyone who doesn't think self-management is extremely rewarding is IMO doing it wrong. And if the OP's potential affair partner is a bastard and married then DIY would almost certainly be a saner route, while she makes at least an attempt to haul her marriage back on track.

I very much doubt her husband will go for the open route, but if he tries to emotionally blackmail her with the "I have needs" line, it's certainly a response that may push him into agreeing to the couples counselling.

This conversation is way blunter than I usually am, but sod it. I'm done with pussyfooting around this subject, ever since reading about those insane parents trying to stop their kids reading Anne Frank's unexpurgated diary in schools.

OP a hole and corner, illicit affair isn't the answer, I don't think. Tackling your husband's seeming belief that you are an object for his use is, as is getting in touch with what you want, sexually, for yourself. Another woman's bastard husband is not the answer, no.

Well, if you can separate the emotion from the penetration, then I don't see why not, you'll need some basics, like spare phones, 2nd email accounts, using the private option in Chrome or IE8 and a new gym membership as cover for your absences

He's married, and there are enough men fucking women over in this world without other women assisting the process.

You've gone from "happy enough in my marriage" to "never had good sex" in the course of this thread. I see the self-justifying rewriting of history has already begun.

Here's an idea: why don't you look your husband in the eye and lie to his face about something trivial, and see how that makes you feel? It might give you a heads-up about how you'd cope with the inevitable guilt.

Think seriously about what you are going to tell your children. Finding out afterwards that your parent has been lying to you and that the family you thought you had was based on a lie is a good deal more devastating than being told that your parents are divorcing because they have fallen out of love. I have recently seen a young lad of my acquaintance having to deal with this and it was not a pretty sight, seeing how everything he thought he knew about his childhood crumbled to pieces.

How do you even know that this affair is going to provide you with great sex? He may be absolutely crap in bed.

Oh and enjoy the respect from your colleagues when they suss you both out. Should do wonders for your reputation there .........

tell your husband that youre unhappy and have considered cheating but havent done it and you think urgent work either needs to be done on your relationship or would he consider an open relationship

Leave your husband. It isn't a marriage really is it? Having an affair won't fix your dissatisfaction with your marriage, I promise you. So you have to decide, embark on a lifetime of affairs like your paramour, face the fact that you will be forever deceiving your husband, forever running the risk that he will find out, and your children will find out - all those things are likely. Imagine in ten years, your kids are teenagers, you have had several affairs by then and your husband, children, friends, family find out you are a serial shagger? Imagine the humiliation. That is very likely to happen. That's option A - option B is to leave your husband and start living for yourself. Sure it won't be easy but it will be short term pain for long term gain.
Or option C- gird your loins and ditch the OM, and accept that your 'ok' marriage doesn't include good sex.

You can make the choice to have an affair but not every choice after that will be yours.

You never did answer me when I asked if you will accept without self pity any consequence that may happen as a result of an affair you may have.

What is sex to you?

Because to me, the physical act itself is a few spasms in the genitals and a lot of mess.

Now, if what you're talking is the emotion around it, the feeling wanted, desired, attractive - that's not the same thing.

If you want a few spasms in the genitals you can do that yourself. You don't need him to give you one. They are not gifts for him to bestow. I don't want to get graphic but on your own or during sex, you can sort yourself out. Take responsibility for your own orgasm.

If your actual problem is you feel that your husband doesn't desire you or care about your pleasure , then you need to talk honestly and openly with him. You need to tell him in words of one syllable that you aren't happy and you aren't putting up with it any more.

Reading your later posts, you have said a couple of things that make me feel like it isn't actually about genital spasms. You say that your husband thinks there is no problem and you think he assumes that you not orgasming is your problem and nothing to do with him. You say that he isn't interested in any of your suggestions. Worse, you say that you have to allow him to have sex with you otherwise he is 'unbearable'.

This is a problem.

Next time you see this man imagine yourself saying goodbye to your children for their weekly weekend visits and summer holidays with their father.
You are evidently just one in long line of needy women that this serial adulterer preys on.
Try working on your marriage.

You don't like sex with your dh because you don't like him. No-one would enjoy sex with someone they don't like. He does behave as if you are an appliance, sorry. It sounds like you get nothing from your marriage except financial stability and full access to your children.

If you separated, you would have a good chance of meeting someone who, not only desires you and makes you feel attractive, but also respects, admires, loves and cherishes you. You could have a full, loving relationship with someone who deserves to be with you.

You have said that divorce is absolutely not a choice you want to take but if you cheat then that choice is taken from you. At the moment you are in control. You can say no to sex with your dh and start to make life better for yourself.

An affair would last, how long? A few weeks, couple of months, maybe a bit longer. And then what. Back to the bullying husband, or look around for another easy shag?

You're not thinking straight, you really don't have a very high opinion of yourself. You are worth more than either of these men are offering.

What perfectstorm says - she talks sense.

I'm not liking the sound of your DH, TBH. Are there any areas of your relationship - any at all - where he puts your needs and preferences on a par with his own? Not above, just equal to?