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Relationships

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Original poster

Would a man really take on 3 children?

39 replies

ChillinMarvin · 08/05/2013 20:52

That's it really. I have 3 young children. Feeling like I will be lonely forever and I'm feeling slightly depressed that come 8pm I will be alone every single night...for the rest of my life!

OP posts:

FennCara · 08/05/2013 20:55

I don't know, but will be in the same position. How old are they?

tabulahrasa · 08/05/2013 20:57

Yes. That's the short answer, lol.

I went to a wedding the year before last, two last year and I'll be going to one this year...between them the brides had 13 children before they met the grooms. That's 3, 1, 5 and 4 each, another friend has just had her DP move in after seeing him for about 2 years, she had 4 children when they got together.

I don't actually know any single people without children, so it probably skews it a bit, but still, it can't be that rare.

purpleroses · 08/05/2013 21:03

Well my DP took on 2 - including my DD who is a right handful. And I took on 4 (albeit part-time) of his. So yes.

Though it is hard to get out and meet people when you have your hands full, and yes, some men will be put off. Just avoid them. Personally I had a few failed short-term relationships with childless men (who got on OK with my DCs but didn't really "get" what they meant in my life) so was actively looking for someone who was already a parent then I met DP. Met him though internet dating - which can be worth a try.

MisForMumNotMaid · 08/05/2013 21:04

My DH took on two. Eldest is Autistic and very challenging. His Bio dad walked out because he couldn't cope so I really thought I had no chance.

My boys were 3 and 5 when we married. We have a DD now too and he loves them all. He was one of four so he sees our family of three as a small family.

Bare in mind its quite a jump from being lonely to moving in with someone/ them taking on kids.

To date some one and enjoy their company the number of children you have is not relevant. I'm not saying deny them but initially its whether you think they're good company for you thats relevant isn't it?

Don't undersell yourself. Your a person in your own right first then a mum etc.

I do sympathise with the loneliness though, I remember that odd combination of relief when the Dc went quiet mixed with sadness.

Do you have any friends that have another adult around that you could have bring a bottle/ dish get togethers at yours once every few weeks?

fluffyraggies · 08/05/2013 21:07

My DH took on me and my 3, God love him we're talking 3 girls here, 8, 11 and 13 at the time, so no walk in the park.

No kids of his own. Right in at the deep end.

Lived together 5 years now, married for 1 year. I love him dearly and he loves his family. There are very very good guys out there OP.

skaboy · 08/05/2013 21:23

I'm a guy. I have 4 kids as main carer, and personally I don't think it matters if someone has kids or not - it depends on whether two people are right for each other. I certainly hope at 36 its not the end for me wrt relationships!

TrinityRhino · 08/05/2013 21:25

my dp took on my three girls when they were 3, 5 and 10

if someone loves you they will love all of your life

Joy5 · 08/05/2013 21:31

My ex moved in with his gf last week, she has 3 children, so it happens.

He hasn't seen our middle son for over a month, he hasn't seen our youngest son in almost a week, he had two arranged visits that he cancelled at the last minute.

I hope hes being a better role model to the children he now lives with then he is to his two youngest sons.

He hasn't even told his sons hes moved to a new address, i only know because he seems to be telling everyone else his news, and i keep being asked what i think!

Know what u mean about being alone from 8pm every night, i'm the same by sons are on their x boxes talking to their friends every night so i might as well be alone, its not easy when you've been used to a partner, but the choice between this, and living away from them, i'd face lonely evenings every time, listening to their noise upstairs :)

Original poster

ChillinMarvin · 08/05/2013 22:05

They are 7, 2 & 1. Been single since pregnant with the youngest. Obviously they are young and I'm not looking for a new father or anything, but would really like a relationship for myself.

It's been nice reading some of the stories! So I do have hope. Even though like mentioned its not as if I can meet anyone out- but I suppose I could be in tescos one day, drop my bag and a tall handsome man helps me...

I do think I would prefer a man with children because I don't want anymore, so I suppose if it did happen we would both be taking on children. I never thought of that.

Ok feeling positive. Any more good stories welcome!

OP posts:

Original poster

ChillinMarvin · 08/05/2013 22:08

Joy, it's sad isn't it. Some men just really haven't a clue how to raise their children and the effect they have on the kids :o(

Oh and also I don't tend to have anyone over as my place is always a mess! I work full time, I'm so tired, and my friends don't have children so I feel embarrassed when they come and theirs crisps in the chair/ toys sprawled everywhere. If its just me then I don't have to tidy up

OP posts:

Hassled · 08/05/2013 22:10

It's not about "taking them on" though, is it? A new man isn't expected to adopt them and raise them as his own.

DH met me (at work) when I was on my own with 2 DCs - he's been an outstanding stepfather, to the extent that when DS1 graduated, he made damn sure that both his father and his stepfather were there, together.

You'll meet someone, I'm sure :).

buildingmycorestrength · 08/05/2013 22:12

My friend met her new partner after being widowed...she has three young boys. They are very happy. .

Original poster

ChillinMarvin · 08/05/2013 22:14

Oh, well In my case their father hasn't been around in over a year. And I don't think we will hear from him again. I would have thought meeting someone and being in a serious relationship would mean eventually taking the children on like his own? Not officially adopting them but being that father figure?

Or am I thinking of this all wrong?!

OP posts:

purpleroses · 08/05/2013 22:16

Eventually, yes you're right - especially with ones so young, you probably wouldn't want to live with anyone without them becoming a fairly important part of your DC's lives.

But initially you do need to go through the stage of getting out and meeting people - somehow or other - and just enjoying that stage in its own right. Boyfriend first, stepdad, possibly later.

bouncychair · 08/05/2013 22:18

My step dad was in his early 20's when he met my mum and her 3 children all aged under 6 on. My biological dad has always been in the picture but step dad has always treated us as his own.

Original poster

ChillinMarvin · 08/05/2013 22:22

Yes purple. I agree, Im not going into this for a step dad for the kids or anything, just would really like some sort of relationship and then ultimately would be nice for the kids to have a family. (Not that they don't already but you know what I mean!)

OP posts:

Weegiemum · 08/05/2013 22:22

My Dad took on my step mum's three children, including one with several different challenging SNs. But then my step mum took on my Dad's 3 children - we lived with him - including 2 teenage girls when she had 3 boys under 10.

If there's a decent bloke out there for you, your dc will be part of your lives together.

optionalExtras · 08/05/2013 22:23

I imagine that single men are less put off by young children than they are by older ones, particularly teens.

I have no chance!

Original poster

ChillinMarvin · 08/05/2013 22:23

Thanks bouncy, he was in his early 20s as well. Sounds like he was a nice mature guy!

OP posts:

optionalExtras · 08/05/2013 22:24

x-post weegie. So it does happen

deleted203 · 08/05/2013 22:25

Nope, you're not thinking it wrong, Chillin.

To give you hope, my Ex left me with 3 kids. 18 months later, despite not really looking for/expecting a relationship I met DP. My kids were 3, 5 & 6. He had no DCs of his own.

DCs are now 20, 19 & 17. We have 2 more DCs of our own. And he has been fantastic. He treats all 5 the same, loves them all to bits - and they do him. Ex is a complete waste of space - has never paid any maintenance, only saw DCs if he felt like it, etc. DP works 14 hour days and never, ever complains about the fact that for 14 years he's supported 3 children who were not his. If I ever mentioned how I love him for it he looks vaguely surprised. It doesn't occur to him that it might be unfair. He took the children on as his own, and thinks of them as his. If asked by strangers how many children he has, he automatically answers '5'. And in the early days when I once asked, 'Would you have preferred it if I hadn't had children when you met me?' he simply said, 'No. They were a bonus,' which made me a bit teary.

Both eldest girls are absolutely adamant that he will be walking them down the aisle. They say they shit out with their father - but got really lucky with their stepdad. He is an absolute rock and is always there for them and me.

Joy5 · 08/05/2013 22:26

So glad ur place is a mess too! I work as many hours as i can, my house is always a mess, would much rather sit and chat to my sons then do housework when they're around :)

Everyone tells me, i'll meet someone when i'm least expecting it, and that getting through the worse of divorce on my own, will mean i'm in a much better place when the new relationship happens. Sure that will be the same for you.

Its amazing how slowly my social life is building too, but in a good way, took a long while for me to go out when my sons were home, i always worried i should be there for them, and that they would spend lots of time with their Dad so i should do my things then. But they hardly see him, i'm getting confident in that if i go out, they don't think any the less of me for doing it, and we're always so pleased to see each other when i come home.

Think if i met someone new who didn't want a relationship with my sons, then they wouldn't be the sort of partner i wanted anyway, it definately a case of love me, i'm a mom, always will be no matter how old they get.

Have hope, so many other women have been left with children when their partners walked out, met someone new and lived happily afterwards again with new lifes. xx

rosieposey · 08/05/2013 22:26

My DH met me when i was a single mum and my girls were 9, 12 and 14 - we've been together for 6 years now and have DS 1 who is 4 and DS 2 who is 5 months :)

I always looked at it like we were taking him on tbh - he had never been married (was 33 when i met him) no kids ect and he just slotted right in - the girls loved him right from the start and adore their brothers so much.

I got divorced and went to uni to do a degree, i was in my 3rd year when we met and would'nt move in with him till we had been together for a year - he must have been keen because he commuted most nights from Swindon to Guildford after work - we moved to Wilts eventually as it was cheaper to buy a larger house.

As for being a father figure, my DC's always saw their dad once a month but they know his failings and accept them, they are all young women now and say to me that when they get married they will have their dad AND DH give them away as they love him and consider him a friend and father figure too.

If someone really loves you for you he will love your DC's just as much - im not saying its all been plain sailing but we do really well as a family and always have done, it should just work iyswim? Remember its as much on your terms as his!

Hope you find someone who will love you and your DC's as much as you and they deserve.

Original poster

ChillinMarvin · 08/05/2013 22:29

How old are your children optional?

Sowornout (Exactly how I feel today) that is a lovely story, I think I would have been a bit teary eyed at that answer. Your dp sounds like a lovely man!

OP posts:

Tortoise · 08/05/2013 22:31

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. He is a full time dad to his DS and I have 4 DC. They are 16, 13, 9 & 8.
Doesn't seem to have put him off but we don't live together so he only sees them for short period. My youngest two and his DS are at the same school .

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