My crappy mother has really really hurt me.

[Wills]

I have a very strained relationship with my mother. She is a very screwed up person looking for love but demanding that you must love her and her alone i.e. I must put her above my husband and children. She also expects my children (her grandchildren) to love her best as well. Anyway. I have gradually pulled away from her and lived my own life which has resulted in a complete breakdown between us. I've tried my best to remain loving and supportive at a level I feel is more normal for an adult mother/daugther relationship etc.

I am 39 + 5 weeks pregnant. A few months ago I found that she had started to load my eldest daughter's head (she's 6) with guilt i.e. dd1 started coming home with statements like "I'm really scared Nanna's going to die when she flys to Florida" or "Nanna says I must carry this photo around (of her Nanna) just in case I'm lonely to remember that Nanna loves me bestest" or "Nanna says I'm too thin". Its driven me nuts so I've basically not allowed her to see the kids unless either dh or I have been around to supervise. She cottoned onto this and stopped seeing them claiming that I was preventing her seeing her grandchildren. Just under 2 weeks ago I got a phonecall from her saying that she'd spoken to someone and they'd said she could see the kids but only when I was around. To cut a long story short she came round about 2 hours later. She wouldn't say a word to me, not a word, completely and utterly ignored everything I tried to say/do. Then at the end she was supposed to pick up a very large bag of dog food. She refused and told me that I had to do it. Furious with her I did it. I bled heavily that night and ended up in hospital with raging blood pressure problems. Since then I've been in and out of hospital as nothing had settled. The consultant now wants me induced (something I'm absolutely petrified of due to my experience whilst having dd1) or I have to stay in hospital until little one arrives. At this point in time all I want is a mum! Someone who understands all my fears. Who understands that I feel incredibly torn between making sure the little one inside me is ok and my two girls are ok. (there have been a couple of times I've had to go into hospital in the middle of the night due to bleeds and its really upsetting my girls). I just want to be swept up in a big cuddle and not feel that I have to be the brave one any longer. I'm tired, and very scared. Scared of induction, scared of loosing the little one, scared that my girls are upset. I went in to be induced today but they were too busy in the delivery suite so it didn't happen. Instead I sat on the ward and listened ot another woman who had been induced the night before. She'd had the same reaction to prostin that I'd had with dd1 i.e. tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of pain but no blooming stretching of the cervix i.e. all for nothing. It didn't exactly make me feel rested. I've then come home to a message on the phone from my "d"m demanding to see her grandchildren - no how are you, or has little one arrived - nothing, just I'm missing the grandchildren when can I see them. It hurts. It really really hurts. My bp has gone through the roof again, I feel sick and achey. I scared that this is affecting little one. God I'm really upset and feeling screwed at the moment. I'm hidden away from dd1 and crying.

If you've got this far many many many thanks for reading it. I'm hoping it will help me simply to get it off my chest. I desperately want my bp to come down.

wills i'm so so sorry for you and outraged at your mother's behaviour. she is absolutely out of order and i totally understand how her actions are the opposite of what you want and more importantly need at the moment. it sounds as if she is so toxic that it is better for you to keep away from her during this very stressful time. she has no right at all to see your children unless you say it is ok. can your dh help you? is he supportive of you and can he draw the boundaries with your mum? is there anyone else that you can turn to atm for help and support?

i'm so sorry you're going through this and really really feel for you.

some parents just don't deserve that role imo.

Poor you Wills - you could do without this !

There are lots of us on here with "toxic parents" - and the one thing I have learned recently is that you can't change them ! It's their problem and we just have to do what we can to get on with our own lives. For some of us this has meant excluding them totally from our lives, for me it has meant keeping my toxic mother at arm's length.

Do what you need to do to feel better and put yourself and your children first.

Big Hugs to you and fingers crossed for bringing the bp down xxx

big big big hugs

you need to concentrate on yourself right now luv and no one else till your little one arrives into the world. And have a good cry it will probably do you the world of good, you need to release all of those pent up emotions. Don't answer any calls at all, can your DH not have a word with your mother and let her know the situation, aww really feel for you hunny

chin up and lots and lots of luck!!!!

I think, if you can you have to try and forget your mother at the moment and concentrate on yourself. For whatever reason she can't provide you with what you need at the moment (she sounds very self centred tbh).

Good luck with the induction, I think they are less likely to fail if you've had a previous successful labour (I had a failed induction so can understand why you want to avoid it).

Just think..... new baby to cuddle soon. :)

I think now is the time to ask your dh or a brother / sister to give her a call and in the kindest possible way get her off your back for a while. You need to focus on yourself, your kids and your lo. Get him to shoulder this one, and when you feel stronger in a few weeks you can tackle the situation again. Perhaps she doesn't realise how serious things are and he can just tell her the facts. You need support and understanding, not guilt trips. I guess what I'm saying is can you get someone else to fight this battle for you, while you concentrate on the most important issue - keeping you and your family healthy?

Would also screen your mum out. Use caller id or the answer-machine to screen calls and get your dp and family to deal with her.
I'd then have a hot bath and a good cry and a big hug from your kids tomorrow.
Good luck and just keep in mind the lovely bundle you'll have soon.
{{{{Hugs}}}}

oh sweetheart

you deserve a proper mother .. and as a mum I'm sending you a motherly hug

at the moment just ignore her .. get DH to give her a word or two .. she has no rights to see your children if she doesn't behave ..

she sounds like she's never grown out of her egotistical teenage years

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Good advice on this thread.

I agree. Your mum sounds like the last person you need at the moment. Try to put her out of your mind and concentrate on yourself and your baby.

It sounds like your mum is unable to put your needs first and your needs HAVE to be put first at this point in time. (My mum was like this during one of my births and it didn't help. In the end dh had to keep her away and protect me from her continuing self pity.)

Do you have a friend who could be with you at this time? If not, don't worry. We'll be your friends.

Lots of luck to you. xx

Wills my love, you have GOT to get dh to get rid of her and lay down the law. She CANNOT be allowed to do this to you fgs. She is being vile, you don't need it atm (or at any time but especially atm), so remove her from the equation. Look, re the induction, you don't have to agree to it, can you start a separate thread and see if someone like Pupuce or Mears is around, get some midwifery/doula input?

Your mum isn't magically going to morph into Mary Poppins and you know this and I know it doesn't stop you wishing she would but right now you have to do the right thing for you and your girls which = getting her off your back and getting this baby born with the least amount of hassle possible. I do sympathise, poor you, it sounds vile but you are doing the right thing not letting her see them alone (I remember the other threads) so stick to your guns but get some help with it, you don't need the confrontation right now.

Ooh, I hadn't read the other posts when I posted but we all agree!

Wills,

I am saddened to read you are having such a tough time at present. Your Mother is a toxic parent and displays all the behaviours of same. At the very least she needs to be kept at arms length from you and your own family unit. Your DH can help in this regard by laying down the law.

Would at some point suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward (would recommend this book to anyone unfortunate enough to have such parents). It can be ordered from amazon.co.uk or some other book selling website. Her writings give some insights into how and why such people operate as they do. It also can teach you how to deal with such behaviours and overcome such a damaging legacy because they can emotionally damage people around them.

I wish you well with the birth of your next child.

I second the recommendation for Toxic Parents. Someone on here told me about it and it has really helped.

Wills, you poor thing. This is SO what you don't need atm - you need to think about you and your little one. I think your dh needs to be in charge of your mother and also needs to be the one thinking about the girls. You just need to concentrate on you. Your mother is clearly from another planet, is behaving outrageously, it's difficult when it's a parent, but you need to cut off from her for a bit while you have this baby, and afterwards - let things settle with the newborn. Seriously, let dh take full responsibility for your mother - let him take the phone calls, let him tell her not to come etc.

Hope the induction goes ok - is your consultant aware of your fears?

Sorry not to have more helpful advice, lots on this thread though, just wanted you to know I felt for you!
Lots of love, ts xxxxxxxxx

Wills, I'm so sorry you are having such a dreadful time. Your mother is abominable.

Many thanks to you all, you've made me feel better. My dh is screening calls and my mil has come down to look after the kids. She's an absolute sweetheart and whilst she's not a close sort of person is really doing her best to fulfill the role that my mother cannot. I've just had a hot curry and am on to my 4 quarter of fresh pineapple . would try the lovemaking but dh is absolutely petrified of hurting me or the baby.

The book recommendation is fab, I will go and get it once little one is here. I've just been curled up with my eldest dd and have sung her to sleep. Next its a glass of wine (heck I'm at the end now) and bed as I doubt I will have a lot of sleep soon.

I will keep "d"m away - but it hurts. However I do know she's not going to change but times like this make the ache hard.

Thanks to everyone I really appreciate the comments and support.

Wills
You look after yourself, your baby and those who deserve your love.

Wills....Look after you and your fam...they are what's important.Like someone said there are quite a few of us out there with toxic parents...you have to think of you and your kids and partner...YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CHANGE YOUR MUM.Look after yourself please.LOL

hi wills. I've read your initial post but not the thread so sorry if I repeat anything anyone else has said.

Your mum sounds like mine. She's always been terribly posessive of me & we have what's been described as a symbiotic relationship. Anyway. When dd was born, I immediately took 2nd place, which was okay but my mum is still absolutely obsessed with dd, who's almost 6. She doesn't care that much about ds (almost 3) because he's a boy, I suppose. My mother must have some very complicated mental problems going on but it's still extremely painful to see her try to "possess" my dd. Sometimes I hate her & am terribly jealous but now that dd is older, she has made it quite clear that I am her mummy. Still, it's very difficult to be the one who says no & gets cross while my mum is always the "angelic" one.

I feel so sorry for your situation! I can so understand what you must be going through & the pain of having to be in hospital to keep your unborn baby safe but having to "abandon" your dds. My ds was in hospital last December & I got a lot of flak from people (even on MN) about some choices I made.

It does hurt so much but know that your children love you best & always will. This difficult time will pass & your daughters will not hold your absences against you!

Sending you a big hug & lots of encouragement.

I have the same kind of relationship with my mother but have the luxury of her not living close so I never have had to discourage her from visiting. Your mum sounds ill, just like mine. It's hard not to feel cheated when you have a useless mother, not to hang onto some hope that she'll wake up to herself in the end and be the mother you've always wanted.

When I had my own family it dawned on me however that I didn't need her approval anymore, I've known the kind of love from them that she has never been able to give. If you keep waiting for something that you know in your heart of hearts will never come it will only eat you up and may eventually make you as depressed and needy as her.

Don't blame yourself - she was probably deprived of love herself which makes her so needy now. But she's an adult and is responsible for her own physical and mental health, not you, so don't feel guilty for walking away if that is what you need to do. Mx

Sorry to hear this. I remember your posts about your mother before.

I had problems with my mother - for years, really, but coming to a head around the birth of my daughter. I now haven't spoken to either of my parents since the beginning of January. I was heavily pregnant and she just rang me up to bully me; meanwhile at the same time my father suggested that my spd was a consequence of having eaten too much and put on too much weight. I tried to cover things over around the birth, but things just got worse. I had a difficult labour and an emergency section. I had loads of milk but problems latching and feeding was difficult early on. I really needed a mother, the same as you. Disappointingly, she just wasn't there for me. (Although my MIL and I have actually started getting on better because she was more [tacitly] sympathetic to that need.) Worse, I know I can't trust her again when I'm vulnerable because she'll just use it as an opportunity to kick me. I couldn't have felt worse if she was dead - because at least then I would have had the fantasy of a caring parent.

For your own sanity, I think you have to do as others have suggested and cut her out for the moment. Don't feel guilty about it for a second. Just deal with it when / if you feel strong enough.

Good luck with the birth.

How are you today WIlls ?
BTW - induction does not have to be bad.... please concentrate on yourself

wills, she is still making your life so difficult? This makes me so for you - it's three years since we were on our thread together, and she is still tormenting you.
Others have already said it - you don't deserve this and you don't need it at the moment with your birth imminent. You have three people who really love you in your life, soon that will be four - every time you relent out of the goodness of your heart and let your mother back into your home...she is getting the message that she can get away with being vile when it suits her. And she is messing with dd1's head too, which I find especially mean.
Sending you lots of lucky vibes for a good and happy birth. XXX

just fuck her off and have done - some parents just need fucking off

Well said Custty.

thinking of you Wills

sitting here with matronly bosom ready to clutch you to it

(think custy has a point too)