My crappy mother has really really hurt me.

[Wills]

I have a very strained relationship with my mother. She is a very screwed up person looking for love but demanding that you must love her and her alone i.e. I must put her above my husband and children. She also expects my children (her grandchildren) to love her best as well. Anyway. I have gradually pulled away from her and lived my own life which has resulted in a complete breakdown between us. I've tried my best to remain loving and supportive at a level I feel is more normal for an adult mother/daugther relationship etc.

I am 39 + 5 weeks pregnant. A few months ago I found that she had started to load my eldest daughter's head (she's 6) with guilt i.e. dd1 started coming home with statements like "I'm really scared Nanna's going to die when she flys to Florida" or "Nanna says I must carry this photo around (of her Nanna) just in case I'm lonely to remember that Nanna loves me bestest" or "Nanna says I'm too thin". Its driven me nuts so I've basically not allowed her to see the kids unless either dh or I have been around to supervise. She cottoned onto this and stopped seeing them claiming that I was preventing her seeing her grandchildren. Just under 2 weeks ago I got a phonecall from her saying that she'd spoken to someone and they'd said she could see the kids but only when I was around. To cut a long story short she came round about 2 hours later. She wouldn't say a word to me, not a word, completely and utterly ignored everything I tried to say/do. Then at the end she was supposed to pick up a very large bag of dog food. She refused and told me that I had to do it. Furious with her I did it. I bled heavily that night and ended up in hospital with raging blood pressure problems. Since then I've been in and out of hospital as nothing had settled. The consultant now wants me induced (something I'm absolutely petrified of due to my experience whilst having dd1) or I have to stay in hospital until little one arrives. At this point in time all I want is a mum! Someone who understands all my fears. Who understands that I feel incredibly torn between making sure the little one inside me is ok and my two girls are ok. (there have been a couple of times I've had to go into hospital in the middle of the night due to bleeds and its really upsetting my girls). I just want to be swept up in a big cuddle and not feel that I have to be the brave one any longer. I'm tired, and very scared. Scared of induction, scared of loosing the little one, scared that my girls are upset. I went in to be induced today but they were too busy in the delivery suite so it didn't happen. Instead I sat on the ward and listened ot another woman who had been induced the night before. She'd had the same reaction to prostin that I'd had with dd1 i.e. tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of pain but no blooming stretching of the cervix i.e. all for nothing. It didn't exactly make me feel rested. I've then come home to a message on the phone from my "d"m demanding to see her grandchildren - no how are you, or has little one arrived - nothing, just I'm missing the grandchildren when can I see them. It hurts. It really really hurts. My bp has gone through the roof again, I feel sick and achey. I scared that this is affecting little one. God I'm really upset and feeling screwed at the moment. I'm hidden away from dd1 and crying.

If you've got this far many many many thanks for reading it. I'm hoping it will help me simply to get it off my chest. I desperately want my bp to come down.

Am almost crying at the thought of being clutched to a matronly bosom... It's not something I have much experience of, personally speaking.

I'm sorry to read all of this Wills - and :( for you, RZ, that things haven't improved.

Oh Wills I'm so sorry you are still going through this heartach with her. No matter how strong youtry to be I don't think anybody can ever really give up on their wish for a mother to love them and come and look after them, even though we know all too well that our own particular ones can't fulfil the dreams we have. I desperately wanted my mum when I was being induced with dd - and that basic emotional need overrides all logical thought.

Try to comfort yourself with the thought of how far you've come - 3 years ago she was messing with your heart like this on an almost daily basis, now it's only at moments of extreme stress that you are affected. And know also that your own dds are never going to have to go through this torment, because you have learnt from her bad example, and will be a far far better mother to them than she is to you.

Wills, how awful for you.
Easier said than done but it is so important that you try and relax/rest. this whole situation cannot be doing you, LO, DD's or DH any good. Glad DH is screening your calls and that MIL is trying to be there as much as she can.
MIL's are never the same as having your mum around but let her inand let her look after you all.
Good luck with the imminent birth :)

so sorry that she is still being so difficult. I agree with everyone else and keep her away from you at this time. My mum had a very difficult relationship with her mother and my dad used to take her aside for little talks before she visited my mum. Luckily she lived quite far from us so it was fairly easy to keep her at a distance (for most of the time). We grew up hardly knowing her but I don't think we've missed out.

Look after yourself and don't have any contact with her till this baby is born - and even then I think you need to lay down the law. I honestly think if she doesn't behave herself better you should forbid her from seeing your children completely.

Hi all,

Jacob Finaly was born at 0.22 on Sunday. Labour was really nasty but more to do with him being back to back than because of the induction.

My MIL is here looking after us all, dh was/is a star and i'm surrounded by love. Prufrock I think you summed it up beautifully in that there are moments where emotional events take hold and you miss have a mum but you're very right to point out how far I've come.

Thank you to everyone. Your support at the time was sooo needed and was great.

My mother knows about Jake and has sent some presents over. At some point I know I should let her see him just not sure that I'm ready yet. I still feel sad that she's probably at her house sobbing her heart out but it will be at the slight that I've caused her rather than the pain of not seeing her grandson iyswim. Come late summer we will move as a family to Ramsgate (100 miles from my mum who currently lives round the corner) and maybe the distance will make managing her easier. If not then I think there will come a time soon were contact will simply have to be cut.

Once again thanks to everyone you all really helped.

Congratulations, Wills! :)

Sorry you've been having such a stressful time. xx

Will,s warmest congratulations on the safe if painful arrival of Jacob XXX :):)
The sooner you all get down to sunny Thanet and put some miles between you and her the better.
You have to promise in public on here that you will not be hacking up the A2 to fetch her for visits, please...
So very happy your little boy is with you and safe and well!

congratualtions wills xxx Its such a shame that some mothers/mils behave in this manner and cannot simply be happy for their chidren.

Congratulations!

Huge congratulations Wills :) and welcome to Little Jacob.

Agree that once you have moved it should make things easier to deal with. As long as you, DH, DD's and DS are OK thats all that matters.

Congratulations Wills.

I'm afraid we can't choose our parents, they're just a cross-section like everyone else. My mother was awful too. I couldn't really ever get to grips with her behaviour until after she died, sadly, as during her life I was always caught up in some kind of manipulative process. It isn't your fault if you have to keep her at arms' length (and I know some will disagree with me here) but it really helped me to finally blame my mother instead of trying to work out how to please her.

really sad for you reading this and hope you will feel miles better soon with lovely new baby. I have had no support or affection from my mother and as an adult its got worse with every child I have. I wanted someone to visit me when I had dd and was very unwell in hospital but no visit from my mum.........felt very lonely and sad. Am having to be accepting that my mother will never mother me in way I would have liked and to a degree doesnt exist for me; am determined to always support my children and be there for them. Is so hard as the expectation is that our munms will mother us when we're sick or pregnant- you just want someone to care.
I think you have to put yourself and your family 1st and set huge boundaries with your mother. TBH I@D avoid all contact for at least 6 months while you settle down with new baby.........then lay down the law. She really has to be told by you that you won't have it. She may improve her behaviour but if she does'nt I@d keep her away from your kids for good as she is no benefit to them or you.

Congrats! Hope you're ok.

Tell her she can come round on set days, convenient to you if you want to.
You have a new baby and need sleep which is priority. If she whinges tell her to get lost until she backs down.
She certainly does NOT have a right to see them every day. That's absurd!!
God, if I had my family here every day I would leave the country!!
Things should be better when you've moved hopefully.

Wills, congratulations on little Jake, and so sorry that you've had such a stressful time. I hope that you can have some peace now to enjoy him.