I'll try to be as brief as possible and stick to the points.
Been with DH 14 years. 2 DCs together plus one of mine from previous relationship.
We were early twenties when we met, our lives were very different - I had a child, was living on my own with DC, working etc. He was still very much young, free and single.
We actually met through friends and I thought he would be my first ever one night stand (I am not proud of this btw) and in the cold light of day I wasn't particularly interested. But friends encouraged me to keep in touch with him and we started seeing each other.
Looking back now, he was an utter shit and there were so many red flags I could have made some lovely bunting. He was actually quite disrespectful to me the night we met - but we were both hideously drunk. He failed miserably at what I have now heard call the waitress test - how he treats waitresses etc will be how he will treat you. There were hints of racism - of the jokey type, something which I find completely unacceptable.. In the early days he was utterly horrible to me and if I met him now and he behaved the way he did back then, I doubt he would even get as far as a phone number.
But, I was, I realize now, quite vulnerable. I was young, had recently lost my mum and was just under a year out of a relationship with DC1s father. He was abusive, a cheater and on one occasion a rapist. He was unreliable, paid no bills and put himself first.
Compared with him, my now DH didn't seem so bad, and he was such an opposite in character that I thought I should be with him as he was so different to the last one. He did however cause me a huge amount of heartache the first year or so we were together. He worked away and would call me, drunk, late at night and basically abuse me. He would not turn up when planned and I would find out he was out with the lads. If we argued, he would drive off to family miles away and make no contact.
Arguments were always my fault and I would end up apologizing, even if he was in the wrong. He took sulking to the extreme.
We had our ups and downs but about 4 years into the relationship it became absolute hell. He had been phoning dating lines, using porn and was just a complete arsehole. He would also imply he had kissed other women, but then deny it and call me paranoid. I am not proud of the fact but I started an affair with a man at work. I had thought he was a very good friend, someone I could trust and would look out for me. I honestly thought my relationship was over as it had become a living hell.
It became clear that OM was not all I thought and was only after sex. My head was completely screwed, I began self harming (something which had happened in my teens) and developed depression. I also ended my relationship with my now DH, but continued to see OM.
The day after we split, he had someone come and value the house and also went to the bank to sort out the accounts. However, by that evening he was distraught and for the first time in our relationship showed some emotion. He begged me to give him another chance and I told him that things needed to change.
I didn't tell him about OM, but I ended the affair and left my job. I tried to remain friends but he wasn't interested. This hurt me deeply as I had thought he was a true friend but in fact had just wanted sex.
Our relationship became very good. His temper was a lot better and he was more considerate. For the first time I was truly happy. We got engaged and had DCs and then later, married.
We have now been married for 6 years but I have struggled in our relationship for a long time. He is much better now than he used to be, but he is not a particularly caring person. However, I am quite dependant (emotionally)and I struggle with this.
He does, on occasion still go off if we have an argument, and we have again had very petty arguments that last a couple of days because he just won't stop the mood. Where he has been so critical of things in the past, I find myself changing my behavior or worrying what he will say about something I have done, rather than worrying what I think.
He works ridiculously long hours, whilst I am a SAHM. Kids are all school age, but we have no family support with childcare and the DCs school has absolutely no childcare available. So any job I get will have to fit in around the DC.
If I say anything about his hours (very unpredictable, usually out the house for 16+ hours a day, sometimes overnight etc) he just says "well i'll stay at home when you can get a job earning what I do". He knows full well I cannot earn what he does as I have been at home for the last 9 years. I have had to turn 2 jobs down because I just couldn't sort out childcare.
He has also said things that I find hard to forgive. Many years ago he implied that he did not believe I was raped by XP. Then further down the line said I couldn't let it ruin my life and needed to move on etc (it has left me with some issues tbh, but his attitude doesn't help)
If I am feeling ill, he remarks that I am 'always ill'. There is no sympathy or asking how I am, it is like I am being a pain.
I also have an operation in the pipeline. I am not ill, but the surgery will change my body, but is a necessary preventative surgery. He has been very supportive. However, he has on one occasion remarked that if this is how I am when ill, I am going to be a nightmare when I have the operation. (I was in bed with a migraine for half a day)
Recently, we were with friends and were all drinking. I was accidentally injured by a (male) friend and had left the room to sort myself, without making a massive deal as it was truly an accident. The friend who had done it, plus another couple came after me as they realized what had happened. Dh was also there but did not come after me or check that I was ok. He had witnessed what went on but took absolutely no notice. I was pretty embarrassed and tried to make a joke of it but DH kept saying to everyone I was 'milking it' and basically taking the piss, even though I was hurt but trying to hide it as I didn't want friend to feel bad or draw anymore attention to myself.
The problem I have now is I don't know where to go with the relationship. My sex drive is about zero, unless I have been drinking. A few months ago I told DH I wanted us to not have a sexual relationship for a while as I still have issues from the rape and wanted to resolve this gradually. Physical contact with DH is all or nothing. He is very 'gropey' and cannot stop at a kiss and a cuddle.. He was upset by this but after I explained my reasoning he agreed. But he continued to persue sex and I gave in. It has become a massive issue for me now and I avoid undressing in front of him as he will just not leave me alone.
I find he irritates me a lot and I am very bitter for the way he has treated me in the past. He is so much better now he is almost like a different person, but there a glimpses of it still there and I am not truly comfortable with it. I am also thinking may be de-senstised to it as when our friend accidentally hurt me the other day, the way he reacted was so much different to how my DH would have done - he would have tried to ignore it or blame me or said I was being dramatic.
I am utterly confused as to what to do. I think I am quite depressed and am not sure if that is caused by my relationship or is a factor in our problems. I honestly have no idea if I love him. I try to be affectionate but he just turns it into sex. Being at home all day isn't helping and I continue to look for a job, but the circumstances make it pretty difficult.
He is very sensible and supports us all. Our eldest DC does not get on with him very well - they could not be more different if they tried but sometimes I am not sure if DH is bullying or just strict. I always stick up for all the DC.
He is a total workaholic and I am not sure that will ever change, even though I have practically begged him. The little amount of time we spend together, plus the fact that I spend most of my time at home, just does not help the relationship.
We have a weekend away planned. We did the same last year and I thought it had saved our relationship. He was so lovely it was amazing, but as the year has gone on the problems have returned. Now I feel I am pinning everything on this weekend for it to make me realize one way or another what to do.
I don't even know the purpose of this post, probably I just want someone to find some sense in there somewhere and give me some advice of what to do. I feel quite vulnerable right now, even though I am now in my mid thirties, but I feel like life is passing me by.
Apologies if it makes no sense and I am prepared to be flamed for the affair, but I have mentioned it as I feel it is relevant.