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Original poster

In front of the children

70 replies

Milspeth · 04/05/2013 12:46

I'm new on this board, hoping someone can help!

I have been living with my OH for 18 months. Our relationship is fraught because we're both feisty. I don't have any children, he has three teenagers who live with us half the time. We get on well and OH says I haven't put a foot wrong with them.

Recently OH had been in a stroppy mood all week and wouldn't let his youngest son have friends over to camp out because it was too short notice. In front of his son he asked me what I thought and I suggested they try to find a middle ground. Not backing him up annoyed him and OH turned on me. His anger quickly escalated and he started yelling abuse at me in front of the children. I yelled back. His eldest son tried to get him to back off but he'd lost it. When OH was out of the room his eldest gave me a hug, which OH walked in on. Furious, he told his son he didn't know why he was siding with me because I'm always complaining about the children. My turn to be incensed. I can't tell you how wide of the mark that is. I sometimes grumble about mess but I would go out of my way forthem and have never said a bad word about them to anyone. I told the children it wasn't true but OH persisted saying I was always moaning about them. To shut him up I slapped him. While I was comforting his youngest son, who was tearful because he felt it was all his fault, OH followed me and repeated it again, and I slapped him again.

I am depressed to hell by our destructive behaviour. I've apologised to the children but I feel embarrassed and awkward. OH says I'm a domestic abuser but I feel betrayed by him for driving a wedge between me and them. Whatever anger he felt towards me, why would he hurt their feelings to get at me?

We have had furious rows before and I have suggested counselling but OH says I cause his anger. Involving the children feels as if boundaries have been crossed and the genie is out of the bottle. I apologised to OH but he doesn't think he's got anything to apologise to me for. I feel as if I am now gagged because I can't trust him. Am I seeing it from one perpective to say I feel disgusted by him?

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
BIWI · 04/05/2013 14:34

If those were my children, I would be both horrified and really sad about the damage that you are both doing to them. Sad

You need to remove yourself from this relationship if you can't control yourself. And your DP is just as bad.

Abuse is abuse, whether it's emotional or physical.

Leverette · 04/05/2013 14:37

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Original poster
Milspeth · 04/05/2013 14:41

Leverette - neither of our fathers were good examples so I think we both carry a lot of baggage. I don't think either of us are drama queens but we're both emotional.

Our relationship is fraught at times because we can't seem to keep the temperature low on our differences, but when we don't have them we are very happy, affectionate and loving.

OP posts:
BIWI · 04/05/2013 14:44

The fact that neither of you can control yourselves even when there are children present is hugely worrying.

UnChartered · 04/05/2013 14:48

You should part as soon as possible, because now you have raised your hand, this will not get better without some serious intervention.

If at all

Leverette · 04/05/2013 14:53

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GoingUpInTheWorld · 04/05/2013 15:18

In the situation you was in, im not surprised you slapped him.

I think i would of done the same. He was pushing and pushing and pushing, and crossed the line on things he said. He was also trying to damage your relationship with his children and to shut him up before he said anything else, you slapped him.

I dont blame you.

But then suddenly in his eyes you are in the wrong, and all he has done to cause you to lash out has been forgotton. Classic victim behaviour that is.

Its only been 18 months, i wouldnt stay with him.

FarBetterNow · 04/05/2013 15:25

Just wondering how old you are and how old OH is?

EllaFitzgerald · 04/05/2013 15:32

I'd have said that you were in the right until the second you raised your hand to him. To have done that once, never mind twice, is appalling and gives you very little room to be complaining about his behaviour.

It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship with abuse coming from both sides. God only knows what it's teaching the children about relationships.

freddiemisagreatshag · 04/05/2013 15:36

I can't believe the amount of people re-framing this.

It would be very telling to re-write the op as a man who did the slapping to shut up. I guarantee there wouldn't be all these posts putting the blame on the other half

kotinka · 04/05/2013 15:41

This reply has been deleted

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Lweji · 04/05/2013 15:43

I have been in a similar position, without children around.

With hindsight I should have just finished the relationship there and then when he pushed me.
As should you.

It's not healthy for anyone involved.

freddiemisagreatshag · 04/05/2013 15:44

Would you tell a man his wife was a stroppy manipulative idiot and that it was

freddiemisagreatshag · 04/05/2013 15:47

Bloody phone.

And it was ok that he slapped his wife to shut her up not once but twice?

Because unless I live on a different planet, that would never ever be acceptable. And it is no less unacceptable because the person who did the slapping is a woman.

She provoked me. She drove me to it. Classic minimising and excusing lines. And a man wouldn't get that response on here and neither should a woman.

I'm disgusted.

Original poster
Milspeth · 04/05/2013 15:47

Leverette - that's part of the problem. When he's in a strop the world knows about it. I don't put up with it but he doesn't like being challenged so I know a row will ensue.

GoingUpInTheWorld - yes, I recognise that victim mentality, the fault is usually someone else's and he rarely apologises.

FarBetterNow - both 50. Embarrassing isn't it.

EllaFitz - I'm not sidestepping anything, he is. That's my only complaint. I know what I need to do, be it counselling or breaking up.

Freddie - violence and aggression are what they are irrespective of gender. I don't see much re-framing, everyone is appalled, but perhaps some people see the shades too.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/05/2013 15:47

Sometimes they might be.

If a woman shouts abuse on a man's face, follows him to do the same again, and doesn't let go.
It may not justify two slaps, but they would still be "stroppy manipulative idiots".

Leverette · 04/05/2013 15:48

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freddiemisagreatshag · 04/05/2013 15:50

You're excusing your behaviour.

If a man posted on here he'd slapped his wife TWICE to shut her up bed be condemned. And a woman would be told to ring the police it was DV no matter what the "provocation"

That's what abusers do. Blame the victim. She was going on at me. She wouldn't shut up.

I'm so angry that there are mnetters who are "trying to understand" and saying its excusable.

Lweji · 04/05/2013 15:52

Also, there is a difference between, say, my ex who took the trouble of coming to me to assault me when I was sitting on the sofa, trying to be calm and answering politely to his provocations, and someone who lashes out when faced with extreme emotional abuse and anger.

The OP still shouldn't have slapped him, but sometimes we do things we are not so proud of when we are cornered. Men too.

Cloverer · 04/05/2013 15:55

Oh course she shouldn't have slapped him.

But I think his behaviour towards the children was even more appalling - using them to get at you. Is he emotionally abusive towards them in other ways?

Original poster
Milspeth · 04/05/2013 15:57

Kotinka - the second time I did it was because he followed me, was still in my face spilling out more bile. I wanted to stand up to him, distract him from completely killing off my relationship with his kids. It didn't feel like anger, more shock tactics. But yes, I replaced one act of destruction with another.

OP posts:
uncongenial · 04/05/2013 16:03

"To shut him up I slapped him"

Come on, Milspeth, you know that's not right. Imagine if that had been the other way round and you posting your dh had done that.

But no, neither of you should have been airing your grievances in front of the children. It doesn't sound healthy, generally, and you should perhaps question why you're together at all.

freddiemisagreatshag · 04/05/2013 16:04

She said I was always moaning about her kids so to shut her up I slapped her.

She followed me and said it again so I slapped her again.

Never ever ever is this acceptable.

You are utterly responsible for your own actions and you are participating in domestic violence.

I'm out, because for some reason it seems to be excusable and everyone is claiming emotional abusive partner because you're female. And that is, in my view, completely wrong.

Original poster
Milspeth · 04/05/2013 16:05

Cloverer - no, he's a very good father, he'd just lost control and any rational thinking was out of the window. I was able to control my words but not my actions.

Freddie - I know men get a rough deal on certain topics but I don't think anyone is excusing me, and nor am I.

OP posts:
freddiemisagreatshag · 04/05/2013 16:06

I wanted to stand up to him and distract him?

For Fucks Sake get a grip.

You are doing the classic abuser thing of minimising and excusing what you did and you disgust me.

I really am out now before I say something that will get me banned.