Am I being insecure and irrational?

[maristella]

I have been with DP for about 6m now. Apart from a few hiccups it is a lovely relationship, the best.

But I'm really struggling with something. His friend, who I'll refer to as Ben, is really hard to deal with. When I first spent time with Ben, I had just had some truly terrible news. Ben warned me he likes to play games with people's heads I explained what was happening and asked him to be gentle. After a few incidences of him trying to play games, I literally begged him not to. This was in my home, he was my guest

I ended up in tears! Every time DP left the room he would say that I have to make damned sure that I get on with him.

The next time I spent time with him he was mostly fine, probably because he had pulled. I say mostly because we were on our way to a party, I was sat next to him in the car, and he told me he is, in his words, a sleep rapist!

The next time I saw him out socially we pretty much ignored each other. At the end of the evening he left with another friend of DPs and basically warned this guy to stay away from me as he had been watching us. There was nothing to watch!

When DP is introducing him to people he has to introduce him as his best friend, or Ben will get upset. If DP is out with other friends or with me, Ben will blank him for a while. DP often makes light of the fact that we mustn't upset Ben, and acknowledges that he is high maintenance.
DP has chosen not to discuss Ben's behaviour with him.

Last night DP and I went out for another friends bday. We ended up having a discussion about Ben, how I don't trust him. DP says I'm insecure, needy and am being nasty. I said I feel very uneasy about Ben and feel unsupported. We have pretty much broken up. I have worked so hard to remove toxic people from my life, yet here is Ben. Ben spends Xmas with DP and has announced he would be best man if we married. I don't want him in my life or anywhere near me.

I didn't go through with the break up last week, fool that I am.

The tv is his, I need a new tv now! I feel liberated without it, as every time we rowed, he would announce he is taking it.

He has texted today, saying he needs to take a break! Err, this is permanent! I haven't replied.

I'm angry, but I know the hurt is coming.

Why would you even contemplate having a weed addicted mummies boy around your ds in the first place? You are well rid.

Because I rushed in like a fool, without really knowing him. I'm usually quite cautious but after a really awful bereavement earlier this year I really let my guard down.

On a slightly more amusing note, guess who XP was ringing for help in the early hours of this morning when I turfed him out? Mummy dearest bless....

Muuuuuuuuuum, maristella is being mean to me.

Oh my ex had a bromance with a guy a bit like Ben. He was so rude to me as I think he felt threatened that I was going to knick his stoner mate. Never mind the fact that he was married..he didn't want his friend to find a girl as he would no longer have anyone to do drugs with.

It did affect my opinion of ex, especially when he refused to stand up for me in front of friend. Sorry for slight hijack but you do hav eto question their judgement with 'mates' like this. Trouble is , it is so natural to want to get on with your dps best mate but so hard if you hate them. You feel like you can't make them choose (but want them to ditch them). Sounds awful and he clearly has a hold on your dp.

I tried really hard with Ben. He just wouldn't have it! He really upped the ante in recent weeks, he has been hanging out with XPs other friends a lot, even though he hated them until recently
In the last couple of weeks he has made lots of social plans on Facebook, tagging and inviting everyone apart from me. No car space for me etc. Oh well, I've deleted the weirdo

Sounds like Ben was jealous of you and deliberately tried to sabotage your relationship so that he wouldn't loose his stoner buddy...thing is do you really want a man who is too weak to stand up to this looser. I know it hurts...I am going through similar ...At the time I thought I was being silly to doubt ex just because he had a tosser best mate but tbh I think it is an important character indicator.

Also this is further evidence that stoners are not necessarily chilled out at all. IMO there is nothing about paranoia that is chilled. You are not being insecure and irrational....BEN is.

Ben sounds like a bully, and your XP sounds like the pathetic mate who hangs round bullies in the hopes they don't turn on them and only pick on other people.

It worries me a bit that your DS is being exposed to this lifestyle and these type of people.

I am sorry and I want to be supportive but why did you ask this "Ben" specimen to go easy on you? When you first met him. Why did you even tell him about your bad news? A person like that would have been on it like a shark.

Why are you crying hysterically when you can't find them at the flats? Was it a particularly rough area? I think I'd have told you to get a grip too.

Though that is not to say they don't sound like a pair of loser arseholes, they clearly are but to be honest it doesn't sound like you are in the right place at all for a relationship. Maybe stay completely single for a while. Your twat radar is not working as it should.

Sgt I was crying because I felt totally panicked. The flats are not nice, I'm an attack victim, and I do panic over my DS (probably too much).

I told Ben what was happening because I had just heard the news that a young relative had a terminal diagnosis, everyone in my life knew about this and the situation was discussed in front of him.

You sound lovely and trusting. You need to stop that ! Don't be lovely and trusting till they've earned it.

6 months seems to be the usual time scale for twat traits to emerge. And don't say you should have know better. How could you? He was lovely to you, it's hard to keep your guard up but I do think its essential to.

It is so important, and I don't usually trust people at all

I think part of it is the realisation that teh man who you thought was amazing aint all that. I found it incredibly frustrating that another person had a hand in my break up but never underestimate the power of the bromance....ok if best mate is a good guy...impossible if best bud is a looser. The looser mate is often the leader/bully too who dosn't want his mate to find love as it is a threat to their drug addiction happiness.

XPs other best mate (although he cannot refer to him as a best mate ) is a top bloke, really nice guy. Ben hates him! It was this other friend that Ben made insinuations about, saying that he and I need to be watched!

Are you sure Ben's not in love with your ex? Oh well...it dosn't matter now. Sounds like they belong together. Shame that your ex dosn't have the gall to tell Ben to gte lost.

jk

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