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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister's housemate wants to bring her father's body to stay at their home for 5 days before funeral. Advice?

490 replies

MumfordandDaughter · 03/05/2013 12:58

Hello, sorry if this is in the wrong area.

My sister's just phoned me in bits. She works as a teacher further up North from me on one of the small islands. She shares a house with a fellow teacher/colleague.

The housemate is an only child. Her elderly father died last night and the mother has refused to have his body at their home because she wouldn't be able to cope. She also doesn't want the body to remain at the funeral parlour or go to chapel. So the mother has asked her daughter - my sister's housemate - to have him at her house instead, to which the housemate agreed.

My sister is really uncomfortable with this. Especially as it's going to be an open coffin until the day of the funeral (middle of next week). The housemate plans to hold 2-3 rosaries and the wake at their house, too.

My sister - who is really quiet and usually a 'yes' person - has told her housemate she's not happy with this arrangement, and it will make her really uncomfortable.

The housemate really didn't take this well and it ended with the mother phoning my sister and calling her selfish.

My sister doesn't know what to do. It's a really small town she lives in, with just one very expensive hotel. My parents have refused to loan her the money to stay at the hotel for the week as they feel the housemate should fork up at least half.

My sister also doesn't want to have to move, because it's so far from school/work, and there's no guarantee there'll be any rooms (it's only a 7-room place).

She doesn't know where she stands. It's not a religious difference, as they're both the same religion. it's just the thought of her father's open coffin being in their living room for all that time, and all the family visiting through the week.

My sister and housemate aren't particularly friends, but they've always been civil up until now.

Does anyone have any advice i could pass on?

(I told her to come on here herself but she refused to because she doesn't have children Blush)

OP posts:
StoicButStressed · 03/05/2013 15:12

Thank you Terrys, that's very kind of you x

lottiegarbanzo · 03/05/2013 15:14

Don't understand how that relates to my post cozietoesie? Everyone else is suggesting ways of redirecting the body too. Is the mother not on the same island?

VoiceofUnreason · 03/05/2013 15:15

Stoic - kiss me all you want. I'm a man!!!

Fuckwittery · 03/05/2013 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StoicButStressed · 03/05/2013 15:20

Back on topic...

OP - I'm as thick as shit today.... OF COURSE the single best thing to do is to immed (IMMED as time of essence here...) is someone - your Dad if your Sis can't do it? - contact the Priest &/or Nuns.

Kicks self for not instantly recalling that they really ARE the ones with the negotiating & 'persuading' power here as they were in my Grandmother's village and essentially they WERE the bloody Community Police and who WILL - ESP. if they know may be a 'refusal' scene at point of entry to home - be hopefully 'motivated' enough to intervene and gently point out to the DM that it's not fair or reasonable... AND that the WHOLE point of laying out at home is, err, laying out AT HOME?

cozietoesie · 03/05/2013 15:20

I'm not at all clear about that, lottie - and I'll stand to be corrected on it. It seems there's a lot not clear though.

Contacting the priest is the way to go.

VivaLeBeaver · 03/05/2013 15:21

Ring the priest and funeral home, hopefully both of those two should be able to reason with the wife and daughter.

It wouldn't bother me, I'd just stay in my room for 5 days but I can understand how it would upset others and its not on in a house share.

MrsBungle · 03/05/2013 15:26

We brought my mum home - to her own home. She wasn't in the living room she was in a bedroom.

OP, I feel for your sister. It's not appropriate for her flat mate to bring her dad home to their shared house - even though they are grieving it's surprising the mum and daughter can't see this.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum · 03/05/2013 15:30

OP, how awful for your sister. Definitely not acceptable. Agree with posters above - call the funeral home, call the letting agents, and do so repeatedly until you get some responses. If your sister wont do it, perhaps you can call and be more assertive on her behalf?

StoicButStressed · 03/05/2013 15:48

Right.....

.....sooooooo, whilst (think? hope? now praying actually...) offered supportive/informed/yada yada best things can think of for poor OP and OP's sister here, it WOULD now appear that not only have I laughed innappropriately c/o VoiceOfR's 'AIBU' post - along with others though - yeah, iiiiiiiiii, I AM looking at you and all the others who laughed too but weren't as honest in fessing it Grin

Would ALSO now appear I just offered a bloke a snog?

And on a thread about someone in a shit situation as someone else has DIED?

Fuckety fuckety fuckBlushBlushBlush

cozietoesie · 03/05/2013 16:00

It'd Friday evening, Stoic, and the sun will shortly be over the yard arm.

Go and have some Wine

Smile
PeterParkerSays · 03/05/2013 16:06

Should priestly intervention fail, your sister needs to lay claim to the living room, which is a shared space and which she remains entitled to use. Her flat mate, if she insists on bringing her father into the house, can then have him laid out in a bedroom, like MrsBungle's mother upthread, just her bedroom, rather than his.

The DD can't object to sleeping in the room with her dad surely?

IDoTakeTwo · 03/05/2013 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixymalixy · 03/05/2013 16:41

Definitely not acceptable in a shared house!

I agree with speaking to the priest and funeral director.

If the mother isn't comfortable with having a dead body in her house, it is really bloody cheeky to call someone else selfish fr not wanting the body in theirs.

50shadesofmeh · 03/05/2013 16:49

I'm not afraid of dead bodies at all im a nurse so seen my fair share, and if it was my family member it would t bother me, but the fact is some random strangers dead body will be sitting in her living room with mourners traipsing through, enough to unsettle anyone.

cocolepew · 03/05/2013 16:51

Totally unacceptable, your poor sister.

Cravingdairy · 03/05/2013 17:03

OP a word of warning - your sis is going to be pretty identifiable from this thread. Not sure what to suggest but it's just to mention. I hope all is resolved with as little distress as possible.

Restorer · 03/05/2013 17:12

I think the deceased's relatives are being very unreasonable, but it's only 5 days and someone has died, so whilst I fully understand your sister's concerns, I do think she should agree to their wishes.

What is it really about? If it's the inconvenience (as you state) then your sister IBU too IMO, as it's only 5 days out of a lifetime and the other parties are grieving. If she is squeamish about it, that's a bit different, but ultimately, she should got over it, in order to do the decent thing and accommodate the wishes of the bereaved.

I wouldn't like it at all if it was my house, but I wouldn't be creating all this fuss when my housemate's father had just died. I'd be offering to do all/anything I can to help.

SilverOldie · 03/05/2013 17:51

It's outrageous, if the father's body should go anywhere, it should go to the mother's home and your sister's flatmate should move there for the week.

No way should your sister have to live with this and I hope she finds a new flatmate.

LadyBeagleEyes · 03/05/2013 17:58

Inconvenience, Restorer?
What, having a dead stranger in your lounge, with mourners popping in for 5 days? To me that is slightly more than inconvenient, it's way above and beyond what any flatmate should have to put up with and abnormal.
It's simple, the deceased goes to his own home or the funeral parlour.

alienbanana · 03/05/2013 17:59

Where has the OP gorn?

GotMyGoat · 03/05/2013 18:19

Op has possibly gone to help her sister barricade the front door?

MumfordandDaughter · 03/05/2013 18:24

Hello again.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I've been texting my sister all afternoon with it.

Okay, so she's too shy cowardly to take my dad's advice and withhold rent, to deny everyone access, to call the funeral home/priest. So her head of department at school has offered my sister her couch for the week! (The housemate works in a different department of the school from my sister).

The HOD's husband has agreed to go round to my sister's house later on with her to pack a small bag of things for the week.

What a joke! So my sister's opting to squeeze onto a couch of a house full of people (the HOD, husband and 3 kids) instead of standing up for herself.

Oh, and the Landlord still hasn't got back to her.

OP posts:
MumfordandDaughter · 03/05/2013 18:26

Oh, but the housemate did get back to her when my sister text her an hour ago to tell her what's happening. She's asked if her mother can have my sister's bed for the week then since my sis won't be using it!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/05/2013 18:26

Your sister is much nicer than I am. Because my response would have been that there is NO fucking way that is happening and I would ring the landlord immediately.