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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex p suggests a planned ds/dd for our dd whilst remaining apart

85 replies

pod3030 · 02/05/2013 21:40

Hi ,
ex p and i split when he decided our planned dd changed his life too much and he wanted the life he had before.workaholic, history of ea and gas lighting, me and dd had to move out of the family home as everything in his name. he's away a lot which gave me time to resettle not far away so dd could get to see him.am now really blossoming and realising how my personality had been squashed.enjoying my new life and dd happy.

i had a thread not long ago about wanting another child and considering a sperm bank. I think i had come to a decision that yes, this is what i wanted, so i informed ex p as it would affect our dd. he said he had always wanted two dc (this is not true, he gave one of the main reasons for the split as not wanting another dc to complicate his carefully constructed life) and he would like to be the donor so dc have the same dad.
so part of me is thinking, yes, it makes sense, the new dc will have a dad, it won't change the situation but will give me what i want and ex p still gets to do the disney dad thing. it will be the same, but with two.

then i wobble, think am i self sabotaging my chances of happiness with a potential soul mate in the future?, will this keep ex p too much in my life, is this more of his control? he has been ok about respecting my boundaries, he knows i never ever want to get back together. but it's making me weepy thinking about another baby he'll have a say in iykwim. oh i'm so confused. this is madness isn't it. or is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
pod3030 · 02/05/2013 22:25

thanks everyone. Yes onedev my age is against me. i had already decided that i was going for it and having another dc. what was worrying me was that dd would have a daddy and the new dc wouldn't as it would be with a donor.
but on the other hand, further ties to a man i don't want to be tied to.

i would need to set very strong boundaries i know. my home would not be an extension of his household.

still not going to leap into this. thanks so much for your opinions, mumsnet, you rock!

OP posts:
butterflymeadow · 02/05/2013 23:36

I actually think it may confuse your dd more as she grows up, because if mummy and daddy loved each other enough to have dc2, maybe they will get back together?

You left the family home because of this man. I totally understand the urge to have another child, but seriously, if you don't see a future with him, why would you have a child together.

LadyLapsang · 02/05/2013 23:56

So your ex is abusive, you and your young daughter had to leave the family home when you split up and you are thinking of having another child with him - that does not sound a good choice to me. I think you should just think about developing & maintaining a good life for you and your daughter. Maybe you will never have a second child, that may be sad but - in my opinion - not as potentially damaging to you and your DD as having another child with your ex. Have you thought about exploring these issues with a counsellor?

MrsPoglesWood · 03/05/2013 00:18

Sounds like a really bad idea tbh. Why would you tie yourself to this arsehole for an additional period when you really don't need to?

Can he afford to pay maintenance for 2 DC? Does he pay maintenance for DC1?

arsenaltilidie · 03/05/2013 00:27

I'm going against the grain.
He is a good dad, HE DOESN'T HAVE CONTROL OVER YOU ANYMORE.
It would be a lot easier, for everyone.
No complicated stories.
Ties over you would probably be a couple extra years.

FairPhyllis · 03/05/2013 00:40

No no no no no. Do not give another child an abusive father.

This will confuse and possibly upset your DD no end too.

squeakytoy · 03/05/2013 00:41

I dont think it is a crazy idea at all. Both children will have the same father. Better than one child with a dad, and her sibling being the result of an anonymous sperm donor, which I would imagine both children would find very difficult to deal with as they get older.

AgnesBligg · 03/05/2013 00:47

hmmm. I would consider it I think. A sperm donation that would dip into the same genes as your dd and give her a sibling and you another child. It doesn't seem so outlandish to me I have say.

brdgrl · 03/05/2013 00:57

It sounds lovely in the abstract...based on the second and third paragraphs of your post.

But based on the first paragraph??? no no no no no. He's not the right person to do this with. Like someone said above - if you want another child, do it on your own terms. You can.

Bogeyface · 03/05/2013 01:25

Hmmm...are you sure that there isnt just a little bit of whistfulness in this? He is finally the dad that he couldnt be when you where together so now you are thinking that you get the baby you want, he gets to be the dad he wants to be and wouldnt it be lovely if you ended up getting back together in the process?

olgaga · 03/05/2013 01:53

I think this is a terrible idea.

But i am yearning for a sibling for my dd.

Well I think you need to be a bit more sensible and wake up to the fact that there are plenty of perfectly happy only children.

He might enjoy having contact and being a dad now that your DD is older and a bit more entertaining - but will he be quite so happy if he has to cope with a baby/toddler as well?

Your entire set up seems precarious in the extreme. He is abusive, he is not remotely committed to you, his child's mother. What on earth makes you think this is a good idea?

Your own desire for a child shouldn't come before the welfare of your existing child. Just because he's enjoying her company now doesn't mean he'd enjoy another child's company.

And by the way, there's a big difference between "unconventional" and unstable.

Bogeyface · 03/05/2013 02:00

Been thinking about this since I last posted and for me it comes down to the fact that he doesnt want you to do anything that he can't control.

THis has nothing to do with his "desire" for a child (I dont believe he actually wants another one), but everything to do with the fact that he doesnt want you to have something he has no say over. I rather suspect that if you go ahead with a sperm donor he would become alot less friendly.

melbie · 03/05/2013 03:56

I am not convinced it is such a bad idea. If he is a good father then why not? I think you would have to negotiate in advance how involved he would be in the pregnancy/birth so that he is not taking over but I can really see why you would do this. He might want to do it to be in control but that only works if you let him... And you sound like you are at a point where you could deal with that. I think you would have to be very careful but I think to be honest it is actually a reasonable idea

ClaudiaSchiffer · 03/05/2013 04:06

If I was in your position I'd do it. I'm not saying its the right or sensible thing to do and it certainly wont be problem free but at 40 and longing for another child I'd almost definitely do it.

I have a friend who was sort of in this position - had a son with her partner, they split, briefly reconciled (for a weekend), she got (intentionally) pregnant again and is a single mum of 2 boys. It's been really hard for her as there have been a lot of legal access issues etc with the dad (who is a good guy btw) but she has 2 gorgeous sons, she's in her early 40's so probably made decisions she wouldn't have made if she had been in her 20's or 30's but she has her family. She is a teeny weeny bit of a loon, but I totally get her drive to be a mum.

Eastpoint · 03/05/2013 04:11

After splitting up with her partner a friend of mine did something very similar. She had twins. How will you feel if you have twins or a child who needs a huge amount of help? She does not receive any financial support for her twins, only the first child & finds things tougher than she had anticipated on every front. Logistically it is much easier to have one child as a lone parent.

stella1w · 03/05/2013 05:42

Yes to a sibling. At your age time is running out. I can see issues if one child had a dad and the other didn't. But to avoid gettting sucked into his control issues, i would tell him you will conceive with him via a fertility clinic. He will donate to them and you can be inseminated or do ivf. If he baulks at that, it shows he doesn't really want to be a dad. Alot of men are threatened by sperm donation and can't see whywomen wouldn't just havesec with them!

mathanxiety · 03/05/2013 06:02

Do you really see this as anything but a complete no brainer?

EA and gaslighting? Are you seriously considering this? You got away with nothing but your dignity and now you are thinking of giving even that up.

He can't be a good father but bad partner. Booyhoo and Bogeyface are absolutely right -- this is about him wanting control. THis has nothing to do with his "desire" for a child (I dont believe he actually wants another one), but everything to do with the fact that he doesnt want you to have something he has no say over. I rather suspect that if you go ahead with a sperm donor he would become a lot less friendly.

Get your DD a kitten, or a puppy.
And stop talking about him healing, and pondering about his childhood. Water under the bridge, and that ship has sailed [sorry for metaphor overuse] -- he is history and his childhood is too.

i think he's really enjoying the attention he's getting when out with dd. he's someone who thrives on attention, he does not exist unless he is reflected by other people.

He is going to completely screw up your DD when she is older and starts to become a person in her own right. I am guessing she is young enough to think the sun shines forth from his arse right now? That will change and she will get a taste of the EA too.

Meringue33 · 03/05/2013 06:08

^What math said. It sounds almost as if you still have feelings for this man, are still making excuses for him, still hoping he might change. Be very careful!

LtEveDallas · 03/05/2013 06:39

Your DD doesn't need a sibling, you just want one. This is a terrible crazy idea. Enjoy the child you have, don't upset the applecart for a pipe dream.

butterflymeadow · 03/05/2013 06:40

Agree this is about control, that is what I came back to post, but others have spelled out why. I have just left an abusive relationship and everything ex does shouts out that he wants control. You would give your ex a massive open door back into your life and with a new baby, the demands of 2 dcs and your own house to run, it would be much harder to close it.

Seriously, controlling people do not easily relinquish control. I wish they did.

saintlyjimjams · 03/05/2013 06:57

Came on to write something but olgaga has already said it word for word.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 07:24

So you become this one-step-removed baby production machine like one of those Victorian set-ups where the wet-nurse/nanny brings the children to visit 'papa' when it's convenient?.... Hmm Terrible idea.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 03/05/2013 07:36

If you'd split up because you no longer fancied each other then, yes maybe, why not. But not with this guy, no.

AThingInYourLife · 03/05/2013 07:40

Why would you deliberately give a child this kind of man as a father?

Dahlen · 03/05/2013 07:42

If he wasn't an abuser, I'd say go for it. But he is, and that changes everything.

If you split because he wasn't ready for the responsibility of a child, why does he want you to have this one? You really need to have a long, hard think about his motives here.

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