ex p suggests a planned ds/dd for our dd whilst remaining apart

[pod3030]

Hi ,
ex p and i split when he decided our planned dd changed his life too much and he wanted the life he had before.workaholic, history of ea and gas lighting, me and dd had to move out of the family home as everything in his name. he's away a lot which gave me time to resettle not far away so dd could get to see him.am now really blossoming and realising how my personality had been squashed.enjoying my new life and dd happy.

i had a thread not long ago about wanting another child and considering a sperm bank. I think i had come to a decision that yes, this is what i wanted, so i informed ex p as it would affect our dd. he said he had always wanted two dc (this is not true, he gave one of the main reasons for the split as not wanting another dc to complicate his carefully constructed life) and he would like to be the donor so dc have the same dad.
so part of me is thinking, yes, it makes sense, the new dc will have a dad, it won't change the situation but will give me what i want and ex p still gets to do the disney dad thing. it will be the same, but with two.

then i wobble, think am i self sabotaging my chances of happiness with a potential soul mate in the future?, will this keep ex p too much in my life, is this more of his control? he has been ok about respecting my boundaries, he knows i never ever want to get back together. but it's making me weepy thinking about another baby he'll have a say in iykwim. oh i'm so confused. this is madness isn't it. or is it?

[elfycat]

I have a friend who has done something similar with her ex, again in her early 40s. She wanted a sibling, he didn't mind. At the moment he doesn't have contact with either child, but she's getting financial support and she would negotiate contact if he did come back. Her children see their paternal grandparents.

I think No sexual contact has to be the way. Yes he might want some control over the situation, but this would be one way of asserting your control.

From a practical point of view you would need to set boundaries so your life is as you would want it with 2 children. Think about if you want him at the scans, birth or in the day after you've had a baby. He'd need to go to register the birth with you. When the baby is young they'd need to be with you and not taken off for visits (especially if breast feeding). How would you plan to let him have contact and have his Disney Dad moments with an infant? What is his idea for financial support, and what are yours?

Sperm bank would be simpler in one way, but I can understand wanting full siblings.

[ivanapoo]

He is NOT a good father.

He left you BECAUSE of your daughter.

WHY would you want that for another child? It's unfortunate enough you have one tie to him already.

He might be enjoying being a Disney dad at this very moment but what about when the novelty runs off or two kids turn out hard to handle for him or DD starts answering back?

What about if he gaslights your children? Or decides again he wants his old lifestyle back and cuts them out of his life?

[pod3030]

hi everyone,
thankyou so much for your replies.

just to clarify a few points- he is paying maintenance (and a good amount not just a token) and would provide for any new child.

i categorically do not want to get back together, i am not wistful in the least, i have as little contact as possible with him, he is away a lot and dd and i get on with our lives happily. he sees her once a week and they do fun things.

practically it's the simplest way.

but you're right, emotionally it's way more complicated than a sperm bank.

[lottiegarbanzo]

If you're serious about another child, go and see the sperm bank and accept the consequences. Talk to him about the need for your dd to understand and be happy with her family, so he would need to spend some time with both children and talk about them as siblings, not seek to divide them. You may well lose his input as father over that. Is is worth it, or would sticking with one be better?

It is perfectly possible that he has always had an image of a 'perfect' two child family in mind. Notion and reality are different but you would be giving him the opportunity to have his cake and eat it.

The increased demands of two DCs and the fact that you had done what you propose would both change the power dynamic between you. You could become much more dependent on his good will and he more contolling and manipulative.

[pod3030]

I can see i still have a lot of thinking to do.

You're right lottie he may relish the idea that i would be more dependant on him,

[ShowMeTheYoni]

Hi OP. I can see your dilemma. I am a lesbian and my partner and I used a sperm donor, so I have experience of that side of it. Everything you have said about your ex sends alarm bells ringing.

"i think he's really enjoying the attention he's getting when out with dd. he's someone who thrives on attention, he does not exist unless he is reflected by other people."

So does he want another child or an ego boost? Are you actually doing this for YOU and your DD? Or your ex? If YOU want a baby and a sibling for your DD then do it. But don't go backwards to move forwards. Sperm banks are not scary, they are understanding and very professional. My kids are older now and don't have "daddy" issues. They love what they get. Don't impose a gas lighting emotionally abusive controlling man on a baby. You conceived your dd under different circumstances. I am not saying he is a "bad" father, but he doesn't sound like a great human being. Certainly not great enough to procreate again with. You have a lovely DD and can have another lovely DC, full siblings are not the be all and end all.

[pod3030]

a lot of children come into the world unplanned and unwanted. i think a longed for, loved child in a loving and supportive extended family is not a selfish notion. i have a well balanced and lovely mum dad and siblings who counteract any precariousness on his side. they are very hands on and are delighted with dd as they thought i would never have children being late to it.
sorry, typing one handed as bf dd!

[pod3030]

so they know about the sperm bank idea and would support me in any decision i take.

but actually, now i'm typing this. they would be concern ed about this new turn of events. looking at it through their eyes, people who love me, yes, i can see they would be worried about his involvement.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Well I have been mulling this idea over tbh. I'm 32 and have one DS with a man I care about a lot, who is a decent father but a terrible husband. I have always wanted another and have decided that if I'm single in 3-4 years I will think about it again.

But,

i think he's really enjoying the attention he's getting when out with dd. he's someone who thrives on attention, he does not exist unless he is reflected by other people. saying that, he had a very disjointed, unaffectionate childhood, and i can see him discovering things with dd that he missed in his own childhood, even things i 'modelled' to him, like cuddling her and being silly. he has always been very serious and stress filled. i think it's a relief to let go. I think he sees a healing of the past that was previously unavailable to him.

This raises red flags. You describe it as if your X is both narcissistic and using his child as therapy. Children don't exist to meet their parents' needs. I think you will have your hands full as your DD grows in making sure she isn't affected by your X's issues. Don't bring another child into that dynamic. Have a good hard think about your X's parenting capacity and think about whether you want another potential child to experience his parenting.

[pod3030]

thankyou show very good to get perspective from someone who's done the donation side of things . and you're right, full siblings arn't the be all.

my mind is racing now. i think i am definately back to my original thoughts of doing it alone with sperm bank.

[pod3030]

ehric you really hit the nail on the head.

i do feel i will be using a lot of energy in the future protecting dd from his world view (which is ego centric).

so helpful all of you i can't thank you enough for you're help in getting some perspective. x

[MusicalEndorphins]

Your children will love each other same no matter if they have the same fathers. If you use your ex for a father, he will want to be involved, but with an anonymous donor, you would not have him involved. Either way, the children will be siblings and bond. For all you know, you could have a baby on your own, then meet someone and have 2 more with him. You never know what lays ahead.

[DistanceCall]

I'm going to go against the grain here. I think having children using a sperm donor is rather selfish. But you shouldn't have children with someone you don't love.

I would focus on the child I had, to be honest.

[BedHanger]

How old is your DD?

[Trill]

You keep saying that in some ways it is better than going to a sperm bank.

These are not the only options.

Please also consider the option of not having another child.

Not every child needs a sibling. Not every child's life is enhanced by having a sibling.

Your life might not be better with another child in it either.

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

I agree with KingRollo and Distance; your 'yearnings' are not strong enough reasons to bring a child into the world - and they don't trump the rights of the child to arrive into a stable, balanced environment.

You've already mentioned the possibility of the 'I have a dad and you don't' scenario, which I'm sure wouldn't necessarily be said in so many words, but would always be there as an unspoken fact, whether it was openly acknowledged or not.

An unfair burden and disadvantage to place upon another human being.

[pod3030]

dd is 18 months.

i have thought about keeping with the one child, and it is still very much an option.
i am taking into account that she will be affected by a new family dynamic.
but i was also thinking of her when considering a sibling, as i am an older mum, her grandparents are therefore older, i would want someone in the world that is family that looks out for her and is there for her. my siblings and i are very close, and i want that for her.

anyway, the thread started because i was confused about the involvement of ex, not the morality of sperm donor babies- i've done that thread somewhere else.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Yes, I understand the point about giving your dd a sibling so she has family when older. I'm t the same age and stage - one young dd, considering another - and the idea that we and her gps are older, so she could bear the burden of our old age and beyond alone is very real.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Likewise, I'm an only, as my parents divorced when I was tiny. As an adult, I get a lot out of having a good relationship with my younger half siblings. It gives us a family of our generation, regardless of what happens to our parents.

You are facing a very complex equation and choices. There isn't one simple right answer but I'm afraid I do think involving the ex is very likely to be the wrong answer.

[Booyhoo]

ive had to come back to this again.

OP this man is an abuser. they dont just keep that for 1 person and then never abuse again. once your DD gets to an age where he needs her to comply or wants to spin her his side of events he will start with EA and gaslighting etc with her. you will have a fight on your hands trying to protect her and get her through to adulthood withoyt too many issues from her father's attempts to control and manipulate her.

please please please dont do that to another child. you cant do anything about the one that already exists. she's here and she has to see her father but please dont create another life to subject it to him. that is very unfair and far outweighs any yearning you have for another child. Only children are not miserable/lonely children if their parents and families are very much involved and make sure there is plenty of opportunities for other friendships.

plus you never know what could happen. you could meet a lovely man next year who has two small children.

[DoingItForMyself]

I started off thinking that it wasn't a bad idea, that having 2 DCs both having access with the same dad would be simpler etc, but having read all the other responses my mind has changed.

His EA tendencies are the biggest problem, he is still having an influence over you and is making you doubt your decisions. That alone is a worry. That he will no doubt inflict some of his less desirable behaviour on any children as they grow up is the bigger concern.

The only real reason I can see for not using a sperm bank is that there would be nobody else to take some of the responsibility off you for a day or two per week, but if you are close to your family and have friends who can help out with the odd sleepover etc, I can't see it being an issue.

The DCs won't make a big deal of their parentage if you don't differentiate. I have a friend with 3 DCs by 2 dads. One of the dads is reasonable with access/financial support, the other is useless, so the child rarely sees him, but with support from the rest of the family and even the other DCs' dad, its not a huge issue. Your children won't be the only ones with different family set-ups.

[larrygrylls]

I think it is a good idea.

Firstly, you can never lose contact with him altogether as he is the father of your existing child. If the second one is with him, he can have contact with both at the same time, leaving you those periods free to get on with your life. They will be biological full siblings. He will have to contribute financially to both of them, which no one seems to have mentioned, and could make a big difference.

If you have your second with the sperm bank, you will forever be taking your first child around for contact while being left with the second. And, if you meet someone new, surely it is better to effectively be a single mother of two full siblings (as many are) than have one sibling with an exP and one with donated sperm?

I am not sure he gains any more control than he already has, which, by the sound of it, is OK now.

[tribpot]

Looking at it from the point of view of your parents and siblings is a very helpful exercise. If you were two well-adjusted adults who'd fallen out of love but had a mutually respectful and mature relationship maybe this option would be the best and most practical. As it is it's just a minefield. And a minefield you'd be willingly walking into.

I would tell your parents about this offer, just to see their reactions in person. On top of which, from what you describe I could see your ex playing Golden Child/Scapegoat if he had two children, and you'd have to live with knowing you'd put the second child into that situation when they didn't need to be.

[DIYapprentice]

Hmm, a difficult one, and with my head I would say 'don't do it'. But I have to be honest and say that actually, yes I would consider it, and would probably go ahead with it. I'd quite like my 2 DC to be on par. If you're not going to have the 2nd dad in their life, you may as well give them the same dad.