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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking about leaving my OH of 20 years

28 replies

Megansaunty · 01/05/2013 19:16

I started having panic attacks 18 months ago. I have spoken to a therapist and she thinks its my oh controlling behaviour that causes it. I didn't want to believe it but its true.
He has sucked the life out of me. I have got so used to his negative attitude and the way he speaks to me I have forgotten what normal is.
If he had a million pounds he would want three. He is jealous and insecure.
He looks through my handbag, checks texts on my phone reads my mail.
He is jealous of the relationship I have with my siblings and our kids.
I have told him how I feel. He has said on numerous occasions he will change. It lasts a week.
I don't know how to go about moving forward
Any one?

OP posts:
overtheraenbow · 01/05/2013 20:06

Ltb start making plans now. He is sucking the life out of you , life is too s short to spend it with someone who doesn't make you or himself happy, you will be happier , he will be happier and most importantly your kids will be happier.

Lizzabadger · 01/05/2013 20:07

He is abusive. You deserve far far better.

Squitten · 01/05/2013 20:13

Don't think. Do.

Original poster
Megansaunty · 01/05/2013 20:17

Where do I start.

OP posts:
overtheraenbow · 01/05/2013 21:00

He sounds exactly like my stbxh so although it sounded a bit harsh I speak from experience if these life suckers!!

Original poster
Megansaunty · 01/05/2013 21:10

I have asked him what would make him happy. He doesn't know. He is bored.
I want to have a laugh with someone. I want my partner to be my best friend. I want to feel loved.
We have sex. We don't make love. I want to be held and loved.
I am a different person when I see my girlfriends.

Am I asking for the impossible. Does a relationship like that exist

OP posts:
Squitten · 01/05/2013 21:14

Of course it does! But not with him. And keeping yourself tied to him is stopping you from finding happiness elsewhere.

You need to get out on your own, work out who it is that you are and what you want for yourself and then live it!

Do you want to leave him?

LiveItUp · 01/05/2013 21:16

Yes it does exist! But more to the point - you're not wanting to leave him for someone else. Leave him because you'll be happier without him than with him, then maybe sometime you'll meet someone who will be that best friend, that person to laugh with, and make love with.

fengirl1 · 01/05/2013 21:21

Make plans, don't think 'oh, maybe it will be alright' - you've tried long enough. Everyone deserves to feel loved. Go while there's still some of 'you' left.

Original poster
Megansaunty · 01/05/2013 21:22

Squitten - I don't know. I don't want to be living like this for the next 10 years. I have been saying the same things for the last 10 and I'm still in the same boat. Only kids are grown up. Youngest will be leaving home soon so I will be on my own with oh.

Oh god scary. I don't work. I am looking for a little job to get me out and give me a bit of my own money

OP posts:
harbinger · 01/05/2013 21:26

Where do you start? Especially if you havn't worked?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2013 21:33

You might benefit from talking to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 who are very good at helping women in your situation, ground down by years of emotional abuse. Consider as well talking to CAB for financial/benefits pointers and of course a solicitor who can give you full information about divorcing the nasty little man.

Good relationships do exist but I think what you need first is the freedom to be yourself. Good luck

Original poster
Megansaunty · 01/05/2013 21:36

I have been on anti dep for the anxiety and panic attacks. I am scared that I will have a major set back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Megansaunty · 01/05/2013 21:40

Sorry ism feeling sorry for myself. I'm not sleeping. I have the same thoughts going round and round my head its exhausting.
I spend a lot of time on my own.
Its such a mess.
I don't respect him. Neither do the kids. The youngest has witnessed his dad calling me names including the c word. And telling me to F off

OP posts:
Squitten · 01/05/2013 21:40

I think you start by educating yourself about what you can do in your situation. As Cogito suggests, ring around and make some enquiries.

Baby steps. It's not forcing you to do anything just yet and you don't have to make any big decisions. Just talk to the professionals and see where you stand.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2013 21:43

You're more likely to have a major set-back if you carry on being a passenger in your own life than if you get in the driving seat and finally get some control. It's the feeling of powerlessness in the face of abusive behaviour that makes everything so hopeless and stressful. Feeling in charge of your own life on the other hand ... even if it's difficult or daunting or you make lots of mistakes... will create much less anxiety and rebuild your confidence.

You don't have to do it alone. Your therapist sounds really perceptive for a start. Bodies like Womens Aid, CAB and solicitors can provide legal/financial advice. Friends and family can often be a moral or practical support. And there's always us as a pressure-release valve, of course. :)

Courage...

Squitten · 01/05/2013 21:43

X-post!

Don't apologise for how you feel. You are being ground down by years of living in this mess. Your therapist has already told you that he is the cause of your anxiety and panic.

I really think you will feel so much better once you have released yourself from the hell you're obviously living in

ImperialBlether · 01/05/2013 21:57

How old are you, OP? I think the best thing to do would be to go to college in September - is there anything you'd like to do? Finding a job will be easier if you do that. You will feel like you're on holiday, you know, when you do leave. It'll be wonderful.

Btw, I didn't have a panic attack after my marriage was over. It was the marriage that was causing them.

Original poster
Megansaunty · 01/05/2013 22:03

Imperial - I am 46

How long did you have panic attacks for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Megansaunty · 01/05/2013 22:17

Financially I am secure. I think a job would be a good idea so I can make new friends. A college course is a good idea. I will look into that.
I have tried some voluntary work recently but it's not fulfilling.

OP posts:
wonderingagain · 02/05/2013 00:28

One thing that's good is that you don't have to support DCs.

If you have girlfriends, talk to them. I'm sure they will be sympathetic. See what they say.

Squitten · 02/05/2013 09:29

That's a really good idea. Get yourself out and about and see that you can have a life beyond this!

Original poster
Megansaunty · 02/05/2013 14:48

He's been nice to me today. Then I wonder what I was thinking. How long before he loses it again

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/05/2013 14:55

The nice times are to keep you hooked.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/05/2013 15:21

It's like there's a college somewhere doing a BTech in Mindfuckery because all these loser have exactly the same way of behaving. I call it 'good cop, bad cop'. Holding out the nice them as an example of what you could have if you kept them sweet. It's lovely for a while, you start to feel secure, you think maybe it could work after all.... you forget making plans to get shot. Then, just when you're wondering if they've managed to change after all ... whammo.... back comes 'bad cop' checking through your belongings and making you feel like shit.

Net effect is that you start to doubt your own sanity and you end up with medication and a therapist...