Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Partner used my credit card without telling me...

75 replies

theheadgirl · 30/04/2013 12:06

....what now??
I think I know the answer though just need to talk to adults who don't have a vested interest.
I'm a single mother, been with my partner for 3 and a half years. We don't live together, his children live with him every other week, the week he doesn't have them at home he spends with me.
He has less income than me. I've lent him money before when things got tight, knowing there's little chance of getting it back. But this month I've found a transaction on my card. He paid his satellite tv bill with my card without asking me. I've confronted him, he says it was going to be cut off just before the kids were due back at his. He was planning to pay me back and hoping I didn't notice.
I'm gutted. I love him, we get on so well have lots in common, he's great with my kids
But.... I'm thinking this has to be it.
Any comments from mature compassionate m netters please xx

OP posts:

BigBoobiedBertha · 30/04/2013 13:22

Sorry this is slightly off the point but I am still pondering the wounded male pride thing. If you excuse this and give him another chance because he acted out of wounded male pride, what else are you going to forgive him for or men like him come to that? Isn't that letting men off the hook for all sorts of things if you start applying that logic? Oh he only hit/raped/emotionally abused/stole from me because his pride was wounded and he needed to feel more masculine. Why should any woman have to make allowances for whatever bad behaviour or crime a man has committed just because he didn't earn as much as her? There are many reasons why he might be earning less and most of them he can do something about before he has to resort to stealing from or abusing somebody.

Before anybody complains I know he hasn't been abusive but that is the extension of letting a man off the hook to save his pride.

I am also interested to know why, after 3.5yrs you don't live together? Who has been putting the brakes on things? You don't have to live together of course and it might have worked really well just as you were but I am wondering if money is an issue?

nerofiend · 30/04/2013 13:24

The real problem is not the money and what it was for. The main issue here is that he didn't tell you he was going to use your card, he was expecting you not to notice and he wasn't going to tell you after he'd use it.

A major breach of the main criteria for any relationship to work: TRUST.

I'd leave asap possible if I were you.

Original poster

theheadgirl · 30/04/2013 13:26

We've never moved in together cos we have teenagers the same age doing exams. They are against the idea and I always felt I don't need the grief. Also my youngest had severe learning diffs which complicates things

OP posts:

FruitOwl · 30/04/2013 13:27

I had a boyfriend who repeatedly stole money from me when I was about 18. We were together about 3 years in total. I didn't think it was a huge deal but wish I'd listened to those around me who said, basically, he's demonstrating exactly how little respect he has for you. This guy went on to cheat on me a number of times and ended up being physically abusive.

Hope you're ok OP. Report your card as lost or stolen asap.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2013 13:33

"If this was my partner, the last thing I'd think straight away is to break up. Why? Because if the rest of the relationship is sound, then you need to find out the reason. "

It's not sound. He's been 'borrowing' money a lot in the past and the OP never gets it back. He earns less than her. If the genders were reversed we'd be thinking 'gold-digger'...

virgilsmuse · 30/04/2013 13:42

Personally, I'm just trying to think what I would do in the same situation. It isn't really about men or women. If my partner (a woman) did this, the last thing I'd think is to break up straight away. I'd want an extensive conversation to get to the bottom of exactly why, and for what reasons, and then make a decision.

On the male pride thing specifically...no it's not an excuse for everything, I was just suggesting it may be a reason (of course he may just be a thieving dick). Some men lose their jobs and continue 'going to work' every day, because they're too proud to admit it.

Yes they're liars. But I can understand it.

startlife · 30/04/2013 13:44

I couldn't tolerate this however I know how hard it is to breakup an otherwise good relationship based on one 'mistake' - which I'm sure is how he would view this.However for me it's about values & character, he values lying to you and stealing from you because he wanted Sky.Its says so much about him, he had a range of choices, he could have just dealt with Sky being turned off, he could have budgeted better, he could have spoken to you.Instead he chose a quick solution, to treat your money as his.

Would you allow your teen to behave like this?

Definitely a warning sign, my ex displayed a similar character in our pre marriage phase, I forgave but only later understood that it was part of his character & his way of coping.It was fundamental to him and couldn't be changed.I suspect he has lied to you many times before, you just haven't caught him out!

Lueji · 30/04/2013 13:46

Yes they're liars. But I can understand it.

Even if I could understand, I wouldn't want to live with it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2013 13:46

My fear would be that all an extensive conversation is going to get the OP is a great steaming combination of bullshit and soft soap.... he didn't get this good at sponging without being able to talk a good game... and they'll 'forgive' the thieving partner until next time they get stung.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2013 13:48

"I've lent him money before when things got tight, knowing there's little chance of getting it back"

This from the original post.... 'little chance of getting it back' means he's been a con-artist from the start. Only difference this time is that he thinks he doesn't have to ask any more. What a shit.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 30/04/2013 13:49

Deal breaker. No question.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2013 13:50

But it's not a one-off. It's his continually 'borrowing' money and not paying it back. Does a person with pride do this?

How much, head? Really, over the years?

coppertop · 30/04/2013 13:50

Helping himself to your money to pay for something non-essential is bad enough. Using his children as an excuse, presumably so that you would be less likely to think of him as being selfish, would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

BigBoobiedBertha · 30/04/2013 13:58

OK but losing your job and not admitting it isn't a crime. It is sad and a reflection of a man's desire not to be thought badly of. Nobody likes to feel that other's think badly of them and whilst it is a betrayal of trust it is something that can be talked about so that the man won't do it again. Chances are the circumstances won't arise again.

I think that is entirely different from taking the OP's card details and commiting a fraud. That is really overstepping the mark both personally and in law. It doesn't make a difference if his pride is wounded by not having as much money, he shouldn't steal. Not only that but he can do it again and again. What if he got away with it? Would he have chanced his arm again? Where would it stop? That is where the lack of trust is an issue. You will never know if he could and would do it again. He doesn't care whether the OP thinks badly of him. He doesn't care about her opinion of him - he just wants the money.

The degree of premeditation is a bit unnerving too. Did he go looking for the card or had he stored the details away from some other occasion he had cause to use it with permission?

OP, you sound like you have enough on your plate without worrying about this man as well.

oldwomaninashoe · 30/04/2013 13:58

This would be a deal breaker for me. To me personally the deceit involved is enormous. I'm quite sure the OP would have loaned the money had she been asked.
To get someones credit card details requires some forward planning, it is quite calculated isn't it?
He was obviously keeping those details "just in case".
The OP must cancel all her cards right away whether she decides to stay with him or not.
I would never feel easy with him around me or in my home ever again. I would be worried he was rifling through my handbag if he was left alone.
I personally think the OP will never be able to trust him again

sleeton · 30/04/2013 13:59

As soon as I read the post by cozietoesie in which she said Correct me if I'm wrong but from my own knowledge of Sky subscriptions, they take the cc details and then bill that cc ever after every month. I suddenly remember ... they do (at least in some cases). I paid one month by cc and it was ages before I realised they were taking it off there every month.

I, too, would cancel (all) my cards.

coppertop · 30/04/2013 14:12

I agree that you definitely need to cancel the card. Otherwise you may well find the same amount going out each month.

When it gets to that point you'll find it hard to get Sky to do anything about it as you are not their customer and they will refuse to deal with you.

glastocat · 30/04/2013 15:02

Cozietoesie, you ask if I have been checking on my husband for the last 20 years, errr no need, our finances have been joint since 1996, he has supported me through many difficult times both emotionally and financially over the years. I have long since got over a fuck up made by a 24 year old eejit, thankfully he is a much more sensible and lovely 45 year old now (I forget how old I am sometimes :))

expatinscotland · 30/04/2013 15:07

I have a feeling, however, that the OP and her partner are not students or people in their early 20s.

And there's the mention in the OP that this partner has 'borrowed' money knowing it won't be paid back.

What I wonder is how much.

There's this history and the fact that he did this and hoped she didn't notice. How was he planning to pay her back then? That doesn't make sense because then he'd have had to tell her anyhow. In light of his 'borrowing', it's not illogical to conclude he may have hoped she never noticed.

After all, he's never paid her back for anything else.

glastocat · 30/04/2013 15:11

That's true expat, I just wanted to point out that it's not necessarily a LTB but in this case sounds like it probably should be.

IAmNotAMindReader · 30/04/2013 15:12

This would be a dealbreaker for me because it shows an escalation in poor behaviour towards you with money.

Maybe the others saying hold your horses have been fortunate enough to not come across this type of chancer and so don't recognise the pattern.

I know in my cousins case it continued after they split up to the extent where he even stole off his own children by claiming the console and games they took with them on an access visit were broken when in reality he had taken them to a second hand shop and sold them.

TheAllNewMe · 30/04/2013 15:22

So, OP, when he lives with you when his kids are not around, let me guess, - you pay for all the food and stuff and he contributes nothing?

I had one like this. We didn't live together because we both had kids and it was early days. I worked, he did not (because he had a child to look after, although so did I). He was round at mine every chance he got, eating my food, drinking my wine, actually raiding my fridge and taking stuff home with him when he thought I wasn't looking!

Then one day I was really sick and I asked him to take my bank card get some cash out, and buy me some over the counter medicine. When I got my bank statement I saw that he had taken out two duplicate amounts form the ATM within seconds. He stole from me. I asked him about it and he denied all knowledge. To my shame I didn't dump him there and then. But it did make me realise that he was a liar, a user and not to be trusted. I was on the lookout for other dishonesty and boy did I find it. So he didn't last long after that.

This guy resents the fact that you have more money than him and his resentment allows him to justify taking from you.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/04/2013 16:44

Yes, this has to stop.
Some have posted that he has not abused theheadgirl, but wouldn't these circumstances qualify as financial abuse? Perhaps not in the classical of sense of a man with holding money from a partner, but he is still creating the circumstance where theheadgirl does not have the full use of her funds. Granted it involves theheadgirl' s cooperation...so her niceness is being used against her.

Theheadgirl, I hope that you have kept track of what you have loaned him, regardless of whether or not you were confident of it being repaid. Have you established a ceiling beyond which you will not lend, final, or until you are repaid? It may be possible to sue him for repayment, if things come to that. Prosecuting him for the credit card theft could possibly save others in the future from being victimized. Identity theft is also something to consider if he has no scruples in respecting your boundaries. Also check with the credit rating companies to see if additional credit cards have been applied for/issued in your name.

Edit what I think about the male pride, as I have read the posting guidelines as encouraged by MNHQ so frequently this week.

Xales · 30/04/2013 18:35

I couldn't stay with someone who did this.

How much is a sky subscription? £30 or so I guess.

If someone took that from my bank I would have the choice of not buying food for myself and DS for a week, not buying petrol to get to work or doing both necessities and going overdrawn.

Someone who did that to me would not love or care for me or they wouldn't do that.

You do not know which cards he has had access to. Unfortunately unless you are happy to have a repeat of this you are going to have to cancel all your cards. I would also recommend changing every password for anything he could hazard a guess at.

Amazon etc store card details and you don't need to put them in again so if he knows your password he could order stuff.

This man is a deceitful thief. Police is a good option.

akaWisey · 30/04/2013 18:48

Most of us know what it's like to overstretch ourselves sometimes and scrabbling around to make ends meet. There's no shame in that.

However, To take your cc, without your knowledge, use it for his own purposes, put it back, and then hope you wouldn't notice is theft.

I know this because my ex did this on at least two occasions that I know of, and on the last occasion I rang the police because he had stolen money from my account knowing he was going to 'pay it back' to me in the guise of the first months maintenance post-seperation.

The thing is it revealed to me that the man I loved was deceitful and a liar and it was a tremendous shock which I chose to ignore.

To my cost in the end. Please at least change all your card numbers and check your accounts for other mystery withdrawals or spends.

Flip

1 2 3