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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner used my credit card without telling me...

75 replies

theheadgirl · 30/04/2013 12:06

....what now??
I think I know the answer though just need to talk to adults who don't have a vested interest.
I'm a single mother, been with my partner for 3 and a half years. We don't live together, his children live with him every other week, the week he doesn't have them at home he spends with me.
He has less income than me. I've lent him money before when things got tight, knowing there's little chance of getting it back. But this month I've found a transaction on my card. He paid his satellite tv bill with my card without asking me. I've confronted him, he says it was going to be cut off just before the kids were due back at his. He was planning to pay me back and hoping I didn't notice.
I'm gutted. I love him, we get on so well have lots in common, he's great with my kids
But.... I'm thinking this has to be it.
Any comments from mature compassionate m netters please xx

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 30/04/2013 12:34

It was really deceitful of him to do this. Can you trust him again. And even if he paid you back surely it would still show up on your statement. That is really shocking. How can you stay with someone like this without be stressed out worrying what irresponsible thing he will do next.

virgilsmuse · 30/04/2013 12:35

I love him, we get on so well have lots in common, he's great with my kids

Hi OP,

Just thought I'd give a different take on things, because as usual almost everyone else is saying LTB...

If this was my partner, the last thing I'd think straight away is to break up. Why? Because if the rest of the relationship is sound, then you need to find out the reason.

What he did is totally wrong, but maybe it needs further probing. Is he embarrassed do you think that he earns less? Doesn't excuse it, but if that was the case then it could be talked out and resolved if he is trustworthy otherwise. Lots of men have issues when they earn less, rightly or wrongly.

Lastly it may just be Sky...but he would likely be in breach of contract had he failed to pay.

NotConnie · 30/04/2013 12:35

Thinking about this, if someone could do this to me, I'd never be able to trust them about anything else either.

BeCool · 30/04/2013 12:35

He looks at you and sees £££££'s.
Sorry that is really fucking awful.
He could easily have asked and you probably would have said OK I'll help. But he chose to steal from you. It's not on.

Original poster

theheadgirl · 30/04/2013 12:37

I know. As an intelligent adult I can't argue with anything that's been said ( tho I really want to find reasons to make it ok)
So that's it it's over
Need to talk to someone, going to see my sister this afternoon
What a pile of shite

OP posts:

Loulybelle · 30/04/2013 12:44

Dealbreaker for me, i'd be infuriated if someone took my credit card, and then said "hoped i wouldnt noticed", what if you hadnt noticed, would he have done it again.

if he cant afford it, then he just shouldnt have it, theres always freeview

lisaro · 30/04/2013 12:45

You're right, OP, if you didn't end it now you'd be sorry in the future. He doesnt respect you, and things can only go downhill with that attitude. Please, for yourself and your kids, don't waver, you all deserve much, much better.

cozietoesie · 30/04/2013 12:51

Correct me if I'm wrong but from my own knowledge of Sky subscriptions, they take the cc details and then bill that cc ever after every month. Admittedly it may have been a one off for some reason but in case he's just changed the current and future payment card to yours (which puts an interesting further light on his actions) you really have to cancel all your cards and get new ones. And forbid him access to them.

And then end it.

mouseymummy · 30/04/2013 12:51

Complete deal breaker for me. I hate liars and this is what he's done, lied and lied again, on top of that he's stolen from you!

I understand that this is a 3 yr relationship and obviously the time, love and care you have invested into your relationship is going yo be hard to walk away from, but how do you know this is the first instance? How can you honestly say you can trust this person after they have stolen from you?

If this was a friend that had taken this from you, would you end the friendship... You need to take a step back and try look at this objectively.

virgilsmuse · 30/04/2013 12:52

Please, for yourself and your kids, don't waver, you all deserve much, much better.

Has no one on here ever lied? No one ever made a mistake?

If everyone left relationships at the rate suggested on MN there'd barely be a couple together in the land.

If the relationship is great otherwise, apart from the money issue, can no one even consider that this might be resolved?

That perhaps DP was embarrassed about earning less, having no money...and so did something stupid?

Outside of cheating and DA, I really think people should give things a little more of a chance.

virgilsmuse · 30/04/2013 12:55

Also OP you should check your CC bills and bank statements for whole duration of relationship, this may not be a one off.

cozietoesie · 30/04/2013 12:55

But that was cheating virgilsmuse. Maybe not with another person - but deceit all the same.

BigBoobiedBertha · 30/04/2013 12:57

I think Virgilsmuse has a point and usually I wouldn't be saying LTB either.

But, the big problem for me is that you don't live together and you don't have shared finances on any level. If you did then you could probably talk it out as Virgil said. It would be a breach of trust but if you live together, and it is a case of 'what is yours, is mine' to an extent, you could perhaps get over it. However, you don't live together, you haven't made that commitment to each other so I don't think there is any going back from this really. Earning less than your partner and a wounded male pride are no justification for fraud.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/04/2013 12:58

Erm... virgilsmuse ... he was embarrassed to earn less than his girlfriend, but not embarrassed at all that he stole from her? How much sense does that actually make?

IMO it doesn't matter what deep psychological impulse drove him to it. The OP is not his therapist and she sure as hell ain't his mother.

glastocat · 30/04/2013 12:59

I'm going to give another view. My husband did this once, when we had been dating about a year. He took 20 quid out on my debit card and didn't tell me. We were living together but had separate accounts. I went ballistic. He had no good excuse. I gave him that one chance, he never did it again, we've been together very happily now for twenty years, and he has been completely trustworthy since.

NotConnie · 30/04/2013 12:59

It's a pity that his 'male pride' wasn't strong enough to provide him with enough self respect, and morals to not steal from his DP.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/04/2013 13:02

Also may one point out "I've lent him money before when things got tight, knowing there's little chance of getting it back" demonstrates he has form for leeching, basically. This time it's out and out fraud instead of schmoozing - real theft instead of effective theft that the victim closed her eyes to. The indications are not that he is ashamed of having less money but that he has no sense of shame at all.

cozietoesie · 30/04/2013 13:04

I'm sorry glastocat but I suspect that many (if not most) of the people posting on this board would tell you quite another tale. You also say that '.....he has been completely trustworthy since.' Have you been checking?

virgilsmuse · 30/04/2013 13:06

Anniegetyourgun of course it doesn't make sense! But that's the point. I'm not saying it's the case here, but sometimes people do stupid things, they are human.

Just look at the post by glastocat ... if she'd followed the advice on here that relationship would be 20 yrs of history that never happened.

As I said to the OP, this may not even be a one-off and she should do a thorough check.

lisaro · 30/04/2013 13:07

virgilsmuse that was me you quoted. I can assure you I'm not a 'LTB' type. People sometimes make mistakes, good things (if they are good) are mostly worth going through the odd hard time for. But this rings so many bells, not to pay an essential bill, already had money off the OP he doesn't return (if mutually agreed can be fine), he's obviously poor with money, he stole from her and hoped she wouldn't notice, need I go on? If you think what he has done points to him having any respect for her, and this can be worked through and improved then your optimism is certainly on the higher end of the scale.

NotConnie · 30/04/2013 13:08

Yes Annie. Again, all this concern about his male pride suffering because he earns less, and yet he's not too proud to borrow from his partner and not return what he borrows!

lisaro · 30/04/2013 13:09

Sorry - meant to add - this isn't a 'money issue' it's a trust, honesty and respect issue.

virgilsmuse · 30/04/2013 13:12

lisaro Yes I actually agree with almost everything you just said.

I just think it's worth the OP probing this money issue further if the rest of the relationship is good, even if only to end it anyway.

Longdistance · 30/04/2013 13:19

I think its a heart ruling the head.

But, in this case op should be using her head.

My dh has never ever been inside my purse to take money, and I his wallet. Its deceitful.

lisaro · 30/04/2013 13:20

virgilsmuse it could be, it's just for me this has too many other red flags. But yes, I can see your point as well.
OP when he stays at yours on alternate weeks does he contribute? I'm actually guessing he doesn't, not that it would make this any better if he does.

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