Totally absent dad come out of the woodwork

[TakingTimeOut]

I'm not sure if relationships is the best place to put this but could do with some advice.

I have Dtwins with an ex. He was an alcoholic, weed smoking fuckwit. I was young and naïve - totally in love with him despite my parents concerns.

At 5 months pregnant he upped and left. He didn't talk to me about it, instead leaving me a note simply saying that he wasn't ready to be a dad.

Devastated was an understatement. If it wasn't for my family I would never have coped.

The twins are 12 now (13 this year) and have never met their dad. They see his parents regularly and have seen photos of him but haven't any contact whatsoever. He did a bunk over to Ireland so I'm told but has clearly been uninterested in his kids.

Until now.

His parents have told me he's now wanting to meet the twins possibly in the summer. He recently got married and had a baby.

I don't know what to do. I've moved on, happily married to DH and have another wonderful child and two wonderful DSC. The children have never asked about contacting him and we're quite happy as we are.

I'm so afraid that if he directly gets in contact all my resentment towards him for leaving me while pregnant is going to resurface. How dare he think he can just swan in and everything be fine. How dare he quite happily play dad with one after pretty much writing out the others.

That sounds like a totally reasonable letter to write. Well done and I do hope it goes well for you all!

Little update: I spoke to the twins about speaking and possibly meeting their dad. Both are a little apprehensive about it. On one hand they want to and then 20 minutes later are changing their minds.

I've also spoken to him - a very difficult task after not hearing from him for so many years. He's still a selfish shit. I tried being civil (and believe me it was hard) about how the kids were feeling, about how him coming suddenly in to their lives after no contact whatsoever is going to bring up a surge of emotions and a lot of questions needing to be answered. I explained that contact would have to be on a slowly-slowly approach and as and when the children want to - at their own pace. Supervised to begin with in a hope of a relationship building to unsupervised.

I was met with a tirade of abuse of how I will not tell him how to go about with contact with his children. How they have a step mum and a sibling they need to meet as they are family. He told me that if I was going to be dictating to him on how things go with them - certainly not supervised then to expect a solicitors letter in the post. How I know the reason he disappeared - he was too young for a baby let alone twins 13 years ago.

All the above and still no contact with the twins over the phone. He said his piece and hung up.

What an arse. His kids? WTF? 12 years of fuck all and he has the gall to tell you he won't be dictated to on how to manage that length of absence/abandonment?

The whole situation is stressing me out. I'm going to be on edge every time the post comes to the door in case he does follow through with a letter. DH says he won't stand a chance in court but still - we really don't need this on top of other stuff we have going on.

he does sound like a right twat after your most recent post - just how fucking dare he after nearly 13 years - !!
solicitor's lettter my fat arse!!

Any decent solicitor will set him straight, what you suggested was perfectly reasonable and with your DTs feelings in mind. What an arse he is indeed!

The thing that worries me is that I know legally he has rights - as does he. He's very manipulative and can easily present himself as a dad who really wants to know his children. He's already white-washing his parents with it. He'll lay blame on himself but will exclude it by blaming others for why he did what he did.

I fear he'll also do it just to try and cause stress and trouble because he can - not because of wanting genuine contact.

God, what an arse! I was reading this thread thinking about a friend of mine who left his wife and very young DS because he wasn't ready for fatherhood. He came back into their lives years later but with abject humility and sensitivity. It took years to repair the damage but he did manage it. But how dare your ex think he can ignore your requests after you have brought up his children on your own. I'm

In terms of court and what to expect I hope I can be of some help. (Have been through the process) If I were you, I would now write a factual, polite letter outlining the offer of contact you have made. Make sure you express it the way you have here - that the DC's are confused and want to have someone with them when they meet him, that building any kind of relationship needs to be dictated by their needs and feelings etc. This means you have evidence that you have tried to be reasonable. End by saying that even though he turned down this offer (give date of phonecall) you are still willing to offer it as a court case would be upsetting for the DC's.

If he goes to a solicitor he will have to pay for it (no more legal aid for family cases) He will be advised to organise mediation and told that the DC's needs, wishes and feelings come first. If he proceeds without mediation he may well be ordered to do it by the judge at the first directions hearing. It is likely that the court would also order a Cafcass report to discover the 'wishes and feelings' of the DC's. At their age, this will have considerable weight (although they won't actually be able to choose, so it is important you tell them that).

Please try not to worry - you might find this website useful - despite the name they provide excellent support for anyone going through the court process.

Feel free to PM me

TTO he doesn't have rights, your children have rights. He has responsibilities which for nearly 13 years he's abdicated. Your DC have the priority here, not him, not their new half sibling, not his wife. Don't fear any post because even a solicitors letter arriving doesn't mean he gets to steam roll his way through your lives. He's in for a big shock if he thinks throwing his weight around after nearly 13 years will yield him what he thinks he has 'rights' to. You would think he'd have the decency to show some awareness of the effect his actions in the past and now would have on your twins, and you. But he's just an arse.

I really don't want to go through the court route - we can't really afford solicitors fees. TBH he won't be worried on the solicitors front - his parents aren't short of a penny or two so would gladly help with costs. They've been pretty good to the DCs over the years and have regular contact but I know they will side with their son despite what he did. I don't entirely blame them either as he is their son. But meh.

balia, if it did go to court do you have an idea what the likelihood of him being granted unsupervised? If it did get to the courts I'd ideally like it supervised with him alone before any mention of his wife and child. What happens if the children don't want contact and he still decides court is the way to go?

I'm aware all this may be way off and possibly avoided but my head is doing over-time. I feel railroaded if that makes sense.

On my way to bed so havent read the other posts, I can just tell you what happened to me.

My ex buggered off and didnt want to know DD who was 9 months old at the time, and then suddenly got in touch when she was almost 13 (weird coincidence) wanting to be a proper father. Since abandoning us he had got married (to the woman who kicked up a stink about him seeing DD because it meant seeing me) and had 3 more DD's. I showed his messages to DD (he found me through FB ) and she said she didnt want to see him then but might in the future, she needed to think about it.

Despite him not deserving it, I was kind and reasonable when i explained this to him. His reaction was to kick up a stink about the CSA payments he had to make (taken from his wage at source as he tried to get out of it every which way for the previous 12 years), quit his job and call me all the names under the sun. Some father.

DD asked me about it earlier this year so I told her a version of the truth. I didnt tell her about the money or my feelings, but she worked it out and said that she never wants to see him.

I am glad I told her the truth, she got to decide for herself.

That is, I am glad I told her when he first got in touch.

Just want to say that I think you should keep DCs fully informed of what is going on (a modified version ) so that they aren't worrying about when/if DF might suddenly turn up.

The courts do actually listen to DC's far younger than 12 or 15 - as long as they meet certain criteria. The test used to be called Gillick competency, but is now called something else.

The courts won't force my just-turned 11yo DS1 to go to his father's house, so they DID listen to him, as he was classed as being competent to make that decision as he had thought through the consequences. And he was only 10yo at the time.

Oh. On reading that later post, I can see it's nowhere near the situation I had with my DD's father, and the OP's Ex is indeed still totally fuckheaded.

I would wait for the solicitors letter - the courts will take a dim view of this and WILL expect him to start contact slowly and gradually build up, over a period of time, based on what your DT's wishes are. The courts WON'T force an unwilling teenager to see a parent that has been absent for their whole life if they don't wish to.

He won't have instant rights - your DC's births were registered before 03/12/03. So he wouldn't have automatic PR and would have to go to court to be awarded PR. Also his name, I assume, wasn't even ON their birth certificates as he vanished before they were born.

CSA. Do it even if you DON'T get a solicitors letter. If he wants to bang his guns about his rights, then force him to carry out his responsibility towards your DT's by financially providing for them.

If he wants to be a twunt, fight back!

My first message about my DD reuniting with her father has vanished. MN playing silly sods tonight.

It worked for my DD, her disappearing father returning when she was 12yo - but he did it with humility, lots of effort to build a relationship, regular maintenance payments, having a lovely wife who I get on well with and think is an absolutely wonderful SM for DD, accepting he had been an idiot, understood how much he had missed out on and was (and still is, 3 years later) very contrite.

Vast fucking difference to your dipshit ex!

Oh dear, I will admit to judging him from you OP, then others replies made me think hmmmm maybe.

Then I read your update and I went back to my original thoughts...this isn't about your children, its about him looking good in front of his new wife IMO.

All his banging on about his rights shows that its about him.

I think you are right to want to take things slowly and have a gradual build up to contact...if that is what your children want to do.

Ive known a few people who have had this situation, sometimes it works out, but sometimes it doesn't. His attitude doesn't bode well.

Nobody really knows what a court will decide, and I think in this case the outcome will primarily depend on the wishes and feelings of the children. As far as I know, Gillick Competency (which derives from a case about whether a child could get access to medical treatment against the wishes of the parent) is usually for older children. Just because the decision of the court is in line with what a younger child wants does not mean they have been allowed to make that decision about what is best for them. However, as children get older, the court gives more weight to their wishes.

It is relatively unusual for teenagers to decide not to meet an absent parent at all, (in situations where there hasn't been abuse/negative experiences) and they are often curious about siblings. The court process is quite drawn-out; the judge can order a series of interim measures before any final order (eg phone contact as you've offered it, or a first meeting in a contact centre) and then review progress etc. I would suggest it would be highly unlikely that any judge would order an unsupervised contact with Dad and new family straight away!

Is your ex still in Ireland?

Sorry - just occurred to me - you can get half an hour free legal advice (might be worth it for piece of mind) but you don't have to pay for a solicitor if it goes to court. Lots of people represent themselves.

Also - if you feel railroaded and stressed, it might be worth adding a line to your letter saying that you are willing to maintain communication about this issue but that due to his abusive language on the phone, you are limiting this to email or written communication for the time being. You may also, of course, wish to limit the initial contact with the DC's to written communication in case he uses phone contact to pressurise and bully them.

If his parents paid his legal bills allowing him to traumatise and stress my kids, that would be the last they saw of them! And I would make this clear. everyone's priority should be the DTs, even if that means the GPs not supporting their son (in his selfish twuntery)

Sorry to hear you ex is still a twat Op. Try not to worry, I don't think any court would order unsupervised access to a dad who is a complete stranger to his kids. His long absence will only go against him and yes they'll almost certainly takes your childrens wishes into account.
Am in utter disbelief at his attitude and given your update I wouldn't have any further contact. Let him pursue access if he wants, but I wouldn't be making it easy for him given his attitude.

I think you need to write down exactly what happened in the phone call. What you proposed, how he responded.

I'd be surprised if he did follow through with a solicitors letter. I bet his new wife and in-laws have been asking why he has no contact with his oldest DCs, so rather than admit he abandoned them before they were born he's trying to reinvent history and make out that you wouldn't let him see them.

I think I'll make an appointment with a solicitor - thanks for the replies. As balia has said, if you get a free half hour it can't hurt to find out from a legal eye. Now to find a decent one. I wonder if the legal section can help with recommendations?

To add fuel to fire his parents have asked if it would be ok for the twins to meet their half sibling sooner rather than later - not dad or wife but sibling - regardless of which way circumstances go. The three of them are apparently looking to relocate back over here.

I don't think I'm flavour of the month with them after I told them I didn't think that was appropriate seeing as they have never met their father.