While I have time I'm going to show your post as I read it...it may or may nor be of some help to you.
Obviously I know the name calling isn't normal or nice but I have got used to it.
Yes you have normalised his behaviour and accept it. That doesn't mean it hurts you less, it just means you've given up trying to change it.
He is so negative about everything. And that is draining. I do accept that he is causing my anxiety.
He will know it too. So long as you are anxious you are also vulnerable. If you are vulnerable you are easier to manipulate. Why should he rectify his behaviour - what's in it for him?
He says he loves me but there are times he hates me.
Judge people not by what they say, but by what they do. He says 'this', but yet somehow you feel 'that'. Talk is cheap and comes easy. If he hates you he can fuck off can't he? Or are you supposed to cripple yourself to meet with his approval? Either way, it's manipulative as fuck.
He punched a hole in the lounge wall last night because I annoyed him.
Yes...he's letting you know that he's capable of violence. Frightening you into shutting up. The message is clear..."Let me have my way, or something or someone is going to get it!" And well you might next time.
He says he hates that I never think that I am at fault fir anything.
He wants you to shoulder the responsibility for the repercussions of his behaviour, you mean?
He doesn't trust me. He checks my phone.
So controlling and paranoid too. Love the sound of this guy!
If I am on the phone to my family or friends when he comes home from work he says under his breath ' what a surprise on the phone again'
Fancy you not jumping up like a puppy with two tails when he makes an appearance. Look at you talking to other people who like you, and offer support and comfort, instead of focusing soley on him and his wants. FFS.
He thinks that I have a perfect life not going out to work and be able to socialise during the day. But other than catching up with the odd friend or a coffee that's all I do. He plays golf, goes football, goes to pub all without me. Which is fine. The only issue I have is the amount he drinks. When he drinks he gets nasty.
So his social life is paramount, yet you are to feel guilty about yours. And he's a nasty drunk. There's a shocker.
He tells small lies all the time.
Dishonest and unrealistic then?
My youngest son is being effected by his behaviour
I'm sure he is. Remember that in the long term, he is learning how to be a man through his father. The only person that can protect him from repeating what he has learned is you.
Your husband is a bad 'un. His core values are diplorable. Save yourselves for heavens sakes!!