45 year old husband is bored, moody, controlling advice please

[Jamatmum]

We have been together for 22 years. With 2 grown up sons. My husband is moody and unhappy and negative. My glass is always half full. I try and get him to see the best in everything. He is very materialistic. We have a lovely home, cars, money in the bank. I don't go out to work. I have a job from home that doesn't bring in a regular income. When the kids were small I took cleaning, ironing jobs. My husband controls everything. We don't have joint bank accounts. He asks me to put everything on credit card groceries petrol etc and he pays it off. I don't have access to cash. I calls me lazy bitch, stupid, etc. I started having panic attacks and anxiety 2 years ago. I have had therapy (they think its to do with him) and now on medication. I have had a few scary times with anxiety. My family are worried. They don't like how my husband treats me. He is very jealous. I don't go out socialising without him really. He does go out with his friends and goes on holiday every year with them. He loves me and is physically attracted to me. But I don't feel loved. He doesn't understand the anxiety. He wants his old wife back the way I used to be. I don't feel loved. We are not friends. We fancy each other but it's not enough. I have told him that his negative attitude is driving me mad. He is hard worker but would rather go to the pub than come home. Our youngest son has no respect for him. I'm scared to leave. Any advice ??

You don't want to hurt him. That's understandable. You care about him and being a normal, emotionally healthy person, your desire to hurt others is minimal.

However...he hurts you. All the time. He calls you names, he frightens you, he controls you. You have doubtlessly told him exactly how it makes you feel over the years, yet he rectifies his behaviour not a jot. He hurts you and he doesn't care. If he did, he wouldn't do it would he?

Again...judge him not by what he says but by what he does.

Anyone can say 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you'.... and arrange their face into a semblence of sincerity, but if the behaviour is repeated, they are not sorry, and neither are they loving.

You also said you weren't frightened of him. I say you are. I say that your underlying fear is so omnipresent that you have almost forgotten it. Your posts are those of a frightened woman.

Self preservation is what is required OP...no one expects you to stay with someone who hurts you, for fear of hurting them by daring to leave. No one.
Any hurt he feels will be for himself, and nothing to do with how he has treated you.
Let him fucking have it I say.

And OP you are right right right....
When people puzzle over why women stay in abusive relationships, they don't account for the insidiousness of it all. The core fear, the sense of obligation to your abuser, the lack of perspective through extensively having it explained rationally to you how you are the problem...and it making sense to your already battered self esteem. How you think he has a point.

Gah...you don't see it when you're in iy OP.

But you are in it, and we can all see it.

(((((big hugs))))))

Thank you so very much for all your replies.

It has been a real eye opener. First of all writing it all down and then your responses.

I have never seen it as abuse. Controlling yes!

I have applied for some part time jobs this week.

I have also spoken to my mum. My family are very supportive. She has also been in a controlling relationship. I told her that I had posted a message on here and asked for advice. I was overwhelmed by the replies I have had and also in shock that everyone said the same thing. Abusive h and need to get out. She said Why has that shocked you? It's so obvious to everyone else. She was in an abusive relationship for 7 years and she wept when she said that i have been in one for 22 years.

I have told her that I am going to get advice from a Solicitor.

Good. Do!

Cheering you on here. xxx

You know in your heart that this cant go on but I feel for you so much. Some of my life is the same but he has sooo much control over everything. This is not normal at all. I totally sympathise with your statement that you dont feel loved. Some excellent advice and support here. Keep reading as I am to help you find the courage and self belief. Be strong and keep talking to your family.

I am in the same situation jama. Did you leave?

My children are 5 and 9.

Husband also swears at me and calls me names then is sorry and wants sex. Sulks if he doesn't get it.

I relate to everything you are going through.

Not feeling loved right now.

Don't know what to do

Don't speak - sorry that you are in the same situation. No I haven't left. I am still here. Have a few good days then a bad one.
Am still looking for the magic wand to be waved. It's good to have people to talk to but I have worried my mum. I have shown her the thread on here and wish I hadn't. Reading it back it sounds awful. And it is but not all the time.
I am going to stay with her for a few days next week.
I don't want her to worry because its another thing that I am worried about.
I keep looking at my husband and thinking how will it affect him when I get the strength to leave.
I don't want to hurt him. I actually feel sorry for him.

It's a hard one.

Jamatum, I know exactly where you're coming from, he sounds very similar to my h, who i very been with for 20years.

I saw a solicitor a few weeks ago and have taken steps to move out. It isn't an easy decision to make but you need to think of yourself and your son. When in doubt look back at your post and all the advice; it'll help give you strength to move on and help you to a happier, safer life.

What was it that made you see a solicitor after 20 years?

Did anything particular happen or did you just get fed up of the rollercoaster ?

Sorry to hijack your post jamat but I really need help/advice.
My friends are sick of hearing the same things from me and now I feel that I cant talk to anyone.
They think it is so easy to just leave. But it really isn't. I have no income other than child benefit. Don't have joint bank accounts. No support.
I'm not being abused. He has a jealous streak, can get a bit nasty and swears and throws things. He sulks and tells me I'm stupid. Then he is nice. He loves me. I think it's to do with the way his parents were with him.
I do feel though that I wait for him to walk through the door and see what mood he is in. He is plumber and works with a younger single guy. I think he is jealous of his workmates and his lifestyle.
Just fed up with his moody sulking ways. It's dragging me down. What shall I do

Dontspeak, sounds like you could do with a thread of your own. Do start one (go to the relationships talk page and click on start new thread in this topic) - you're more likely to get the support you need that way.