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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to be extremely fecked off with dh..

38 replies

mrsfassbender · 27/04/2013 17:46

had an accident earlier week; on crutches/painkillers and wotnot and unable to drive. DH totally blasé about it all, to extent I drove myself to the hospital and was given x-ray, crutches etc. and advised to rest and not drive for a week.
now, last night come home and power been out all day. House like a fridge and extremely dark due to cloudy skies. Not able to cook for obv.reason. DH leaves to play footy (every Fri) aware of situation.
an hour later, still no power. DS getting scared and freaked out, having had cereal for his tea in a dark kitchen. I text DH; what do I do, don't want to stay home, can't carry DS and he won't go to bed. Can't drive, but tempted to, to get some hot food and just be warm.
He doesn't reply. When I finally reach him, he's in the pub. He comes home about 11, tells me I should have just "gone to fucking bed like all the neighbours" (we live in an extremely rural location, no idea how he'd deduced that our distant neighbours had gone to bed!) and tells me I have no right to be mad. This morning I tried to discuss it, admittedly very angrily, and he just repeats "shut up, shut up, shut up" at me.
I'm disgusted at him and just want to turf him out. He has had rages in the past and he started again, throwing his weight about, slamming doors etc, and I said he was throwing his toys out the pram cos I was calling him out on being out of order.
Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
WarmFuzzyFun · 27/04/2013 17:52

There is obviously more to this. I think he has behaved appallingly and his reluctance to discuss his behaviour in the morning just compounds things.

You are not over reacting IMHO. He has put his leisure pursuits ahead of your and your DS's needs which is not on. And very selfish.

What do you want to have happen?

Wishfulmakeupping · 27/04/2013 17:54

He sounds awful this selfish behaviour cannot carry on OP

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 27/04/2013 17:57

Poor you! He sounds awful. It's almost as though he resents you injuring yourself as it has had an impact on him. (Though actually, he's carried on regardless.) I can't believe he left you in on your own given your accident, let alone in on your own with a small child and no power.
This is clearly one of many problems and is be looking to get out of this relationship if I were you.

Loveiswhereitfalls · 27/04/2013 17:58

He leaves you and your DS in a cold house when you have had an accident to play FOOTBALL and when you pull him up on it he tells you to shut up repeatedly Shock

I think you are undereacting personally! What an arsehole Angry

IAmNotAMindReader · 27/04/2013 18:00

Nope YANBU. He was behaving like a stroppy child. How dare you interrupt his perfect set up of doing the things he wants to do with no consideration to anyone else. Have these past rages arisen when something happens which means he may have to behave like an adult and partner instead of a single man with a live in house keeper and nanny?
Ask yourself what is so good about him that you stay with him and don't use the cop out because he's a good dad because good fathers don't ignore their childs needs. Good fathers don't treat their childrens mothers like shit whether they are in a relationship with them or not.

A good husband and partner eases the burden in times when the other partner cannot handle their share and likewise.

How balanced is your relationship? If it is not where do you want to go from there?
Keep in mind he will not change if he doesn't want to and nothing can make him not you raging at him or being ultra compliant to keep things sailing smoothly so if he wants things to stay as they are what will be your next move?
If you issue an ultimatum don't threaten anything you aren't prepared to follow through with (ultimatums rarely work tbh).

Original poster
mrsfassbender · 27/04/2013 18:03

ok good because he is adamant I am being a drama queen!! This isn't characteristic behaviour I'd like to add, he is not usually this stupid or selfish which is why I was baffled. I wasn't tearful or anything like that, just furious. I went nuts when he got home and made the bed comment, and he stormed out to get firewood. He had originally turned up with tealights which he put all over the house and seemed to think made him the best husband ever!

OP posts:
IAmNotAMindReader · 27/04/2013 18:04

The tea light behaviour was to deflect form his previous out bursts without having to confront the fact that he actually acted like a prize knob and he flounced again once you saw through it.

mynewpassion · 27/04/2013 18:05

Assuming that you had a cell phone, why didn't either of you call the electric company?

Original poster
mrsfassbender · 27/04/2013 18:05

"A good husband eases the burden in times when the other partner can not handle their share" EXACTLY! That was all I wanted.

I don't know what I want to happen next TBH. He is cooking my favourite dinner atm although I am upstairs and not speaking to him.
He does have these bratty moments from time to time even tho most of the time he is hardworking and fun and kind. I don't know how to manage it when he is like this. I want him to just admit that he was out of order but he is stubborn as hell.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsfassbender · 27/04/2013 18:07

mynewpassion my mobile works intermittently as we are extremely rural. I did, however, call the electricity co and they explained that it was due to complications (we had been aware power would be off during work hours but it continued until after midnight). I called them twice in fact, they were very polite and apologised.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/04/2013 18:11

Your husband sounds like a very selfish, uncaring man.

But living in such a rural area, I'm surprised you're not better prepared.

charlieandlola · 27/04/2013 18:12

His behaviour this morning is odd and agressive and out of order .however had he been there , what actually could he have done about the power failure ? Why was him going to football a problem , his presence would not have brought it back on sooner , I am guessing.
Sounds sadly like this episode may be the tip of the iceberg only.

andubelievedthat · 27/04/2013 18:12

If u mean t-lights ,those dinky little 2pence piece size poor mans candle efforts ,avoid and avoid again ! they are responsible for untold housefires as advised by fire prevention officer also , get £600 -£1000 from him to buy a diesel powered gennie so next time ,you get to live a little too!

Loveiswhereitfalls · 27/04/2013 18:14

Has he apologized ?
He could stick his meal where the sun dont shine if it were me .
My DH has never in 28 years ever told me to shut up or sworn at me - its abusive, not "bratty" behaviour as is telling you you have no right to be angry.
What he really means is " I can do as I like -you are second best" "If you challenge me I will make out you are the unreasonable one"

Original poster
mrsfassbender · 27/04/2013 18:17

charlieandlola That's what he said; if he had been home it wouldn't have made the power come on any quicker. Not the point really is it? I would have liked the support, literally, seeing as I am on crutches and had a toddler to care for.

OP posts:
GibberTheMonkey · 27/04/2013 18:18

When I lived rurally I would have been prepared for a power cut
But like the op I wouldn't have been prepared for a power cut and having had a bad accident

That's all deflecting anyway, the issue here is the horrible behaviour of the ops dh. And no op you are not being unreasonable at all

Original poster
mrsfassbender · 27/04/2013 18:18

and worraliberty we haven't lived here very long but next time we will be better prepared, believe me Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsfassbender · 27/04/2013 18:21

Nope, no apology love and I agree that it is abusive. Not the first time he's spoken to me like that but the first time I'm angry, not upset about it.

OP posts:
IAmNotAMindReader · 27/04/2013 18:22

There's a lot him coming home earlier could have achieved. Even if he still went to football and missed out the pub, you know compromised a bit. The OP can't drive right now so he could have driven to get some hot food and torches to calm his child.

As an aside and unrealated ot this thread it may help to have a just in case pack as you are rural. Some torches, camping stove, tins and fresh water in case any of the other major utilities is out for a prolonged period or bad weather cuts you off from shops.

Original poster
mrsfassbender · 27/04/2013 18:26

yes thanks for the advice mindreader. A lot more nicely put than earlier posts! We live and learn. I think he also forgets where we are now, there are no streetlights or anything.
I had no issue with him going to football, well not massively, but it was the fact he didn't come home with supplies and went to the boozer instead. (He was in a town I should add, with supermarkets, so could have brought home supplies, and food!)

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsfassbender · 27/04/2013 19:52

Update: He has been shouting at DS for tiny things, continuing with his mood and being an arse. Just told him will need to leave if he carries on and he said "why don't you ring the local paper and tell them about it, you've made such a drama of everything" I said if it escalates will ring the police, as in the past when he's had one of these moods he has smashed things up/broken stuff. Just want him to go as am so on edge.

OP posts:
IAmNotAMindReader · 27/04/2013 19:56

Sad Sorry things are getting worse mrsfassbender

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 29/04/2013 01:48

Gosh, are you ok? Do you feel safe in the house with him? You don't have to put up with this kind of behaviour you know.

LondonKitty · 29/04/2013 02:01

Any update mrsfassbender? How are you doing? Has he come round or is he still being an arse?

Thumbwitch · 29/04/2013 02:07

Christ, what a knob he's being! Angry

Selfish fucking wanker. And for the record, you're not being dramatic at all - he's an uncaring cock.