A thread for and about the chronically single

[Yika]

I'm in awe of people who just jump from one relationship to the next and are never alone. I just can't seem to get it together to form a meaningful relationship. I'm in my mid 40s now and I've never had a serious long term relationship. Mostly I've been on my own or had 1-2 year relationships that were doomed from the start. I had one 5 year massively dysfunctional and semi-detached arrangement. My whole family are like this too, and I'm pretty certain my problem originates from the family attitudes and beliefs I grew up with, because otherwise there just is no rhyme or reason to it. I'm blardy gorgeous reasonably attractive, personable and outgoing.

Is there a cure? Does it matter? Are you happy being chronically single? I want to hear your stories!

SGB yup! You are right from my point of view - I felt massive pressure to be 'settled' with a man to advance my career (even at 19!) as otherwise I was just 'the young filly' in the office and not taken seriously. I probably never was, as it was that kind of office, but it felt as though unless I proved I could do the whole housewife as well as my job, they would assume I was out until the wee hours drinking my life away.
Wish I had.
Well I did a bit
I decided enough was enough and found a donor to have a child on my own. Recently had some 'therapy' (more due to my mother than anything else) and she actually said "to be honest I don't know why more women don't do that after all of the things I have heard". Now obvs she is only going to hear bad stories but it did really make me happy that she could see where I was coming from, whereas a lot of my friend still think I secretly want a partner and that I am bonkers. None of them are at ease with the fact I am managing perfectly well and don't have all of the complaints about someone messing up the loo/not cooking dinner/picking their feet at the table, etc that they do...

Actually I lied a bit there - a friend (who is funny, gorgeous, clever AND has huge boobs - I know ) actually said to me 2 days ago that she is seriously considering doing it my way (as in donor) as she is fed up of meeting useless men and wasting her life trying to find 'the one'. I think society just sometimes needs a bit of a prod for people to see that the rules can be broken, and sometimes it works better than the conventional way.

Hull I'm glad it's worked for you. Personally the idea of planned single parenthood doesn't appeal to me at all. My biological clock would have to be going like the clappers for me to look into it. I broke up with my long-term partner last year and found the number of people who suggested donor sperm really, really annoying.

ALittle it's not for everyone and I wasn't trying to convince anyone, just saying my experience. Hope you find what you are looking for :)

I just turned 47 and am three and a bit years single after spending my whole life in a relationship.

I had the long marriage and have my teen DC so maybe thats why I feel happy that I can leave all that behind and live life proudly on my own

I was talking to my Dad earlier though about how much more expensive life is when you have to pay for everything out of one salary but I'd still prefer to be frugal and single any day

Too much compromise and emotional upheaval around men and ime I do all the giving and making an effort while they see to themselves

I can understand why people would be happy to be single as a liberating change - perhaps a permanent one. Equally, I'd like to embark on a new phase trying everything that settled coupledom has to offer.

(To which end I'd probably be better off spending my time on dating sites rather than mumsnet! :))

I'm not saying that women are owned by their partners, but there is still a deep-level cultural belief in some people that women are property, not people because this used to be true. Women belonged to their fathers (or if their fathers died, they belonged to their brothers or uncled) until married, then they were their husbands' property.
It's the idea that women are property that's behind the behaviour of those men who pester women who are out in public with female friends and no sign of a man - to these men, the women are available property. They have no owner, so the man can 'have' them - the idea that they might have some say in the matter is incomprehensible.

Yeah I never really wanted to get married as a child. I always saw myself becoming some amazing bohemian intellectual...

Then I had kids and got a partner (well... the other way around) and now honestly a lot of people can't handle the fact that I've tired of my ex - a man baby- and decided I'd rather do without him. Well there were other issues too...

And a lot of people have lost respect for me, which is quite funny because I have gained so much more self-respect and like so many other ppl on here say- so much more self esteem etc on my own. Maybe it's that that ppl can't bear. The idea that they too left their real selves behind somewhere to look after a man baby...

Hear, hear, haventgotastitch, I'm in a similar position just had yet another text disagreement with my ex "man child" as I was financially supporting him and he can't cope now, but I'm probably a bit sadder as I'm looking at another "man child" with some desire, lol, he's immature but really rather gorgeous and like some other posters I'm missing the physical side of a relationship. How do u get any sex/ intimacy when ure a LP with limited support? I could not go on like this!

Don't confuse sex with having to adopt a man!

What I find most of the times is women waste their years with the 'exciting' guy whilst ignoring the nice but 'boring' person. Then they realise when it's too late (nice boring guy has coupled up) that life with the 'exciting' partner isnt so great afterall.

SGB What about a woman that approaches a man if she thinks he is single?
A man will approach a woman if he thinks she is single because he has more of a chance with her than a woman in a relationship. Simple..
Certainly not because he has a chance of making her his "property"

There is no point really because clearly you have your own negative views on men.

Its a bit ironic also that people slagging off people in couples are complaining about how people in couples slag single people off.

Op,
Just to weigh in on the discussion, isnt it often the case people can end up "missing out" on something but have lots of other good things going on? Does anyone really have it all?

I had only short relationships until I met OH. I was independent, financially and confidence wise, was starting out on a career but felt incomplete.

Then I met OH.
I changed careers twice and so took a step back. OH is main bread winner and he had debts so finances took a hit. V happy in relationship but ttc is not going well. That in itself leaves a hole for me.

I never envisaged being in this position.

I thought I wanted a high flying career and no ties to any one or any thing. I had short relationships that either fell apart or I ended them.

I feel that if you want to change something about your current situation and you can then go do it. But if its a case of wondering whether the grass is greener and all that then generally it isn't, it's just a different type of grass.

I could tell you all the good things about having a decent OH and then equally all the things that would make you go 'bloomin 'eck that sounds a pain'.

NeverUMind haha! Me too! I seem to be surrounded by sexy man babies!!!

I know better than to consider them as potential partners now though... Once bitten, twice shy!

I doubt they'd even be any good in bed. I don't want to have to do all the work in that department either ;-)

So... I'm happy to be single. I'm planning on becoming happier & happier about it in fact. And like some people above have said focusing on me and my kids & female friendships, social life, work etc.

I'm sure I'll get some sex at some point... [she says hopefully]

Anyway, as everybody knows, being happily single is very attractive. Men can't stand seeing a woman happy without a man. They'll be falling into my craftily constructed net... I'm really not ready for a relationship again. What is the alternative though? I'm not going to do anything sordid. A lover of some sort? A friend with benefits? But seriously, the idea of COOKING for another man... Or having someone COMMENT on my own personal choices again!!! HONESTLY I think I would rather have each of my toes burnt off one by one!

I have just started to think about sex, a little bit. I used to have a very high drive, but now I just remember all of the sweaty ball sacks and hairy backs and that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach when you don't really know whether they want more or not after the deed.

Nah, I am putting myself off it again. I have my imagination, it is a lot better than the reality I have tested so far!

As an aside - why do you think men can't use their imagination rather than using porn? I'm not one of those women who refuse to let partners watch it, but not being able to use your imagination is surely a bit of a human defect?

Wow OhHull it sounds like you didn't have a very satisfying sex life! The part when you talk about the feeling in your stomach quite frankly reminds me of the kind of story about sexual abuse that you might hear on women's hour. ( I may be getting the wrong impression.) Poor you!!!

Actually the sex in my very long relationship with ex was mainly good. It was just the other part. Not much affection to go with it! You know I longed for someone to reach out for me when the morning came- you know, a hug in the morning to start the day on a nice note. It's not much to bloody ask! He did do it in the early days of our relationship. My ex also only ever really told me he loved me right after sex. Almost like a reward for my effort. Eeeuuuggghhh!

P.S I think guys do use their imaginations. Some aren't big porn watchers. I would dump a boyfriend pronto for watching weird porn!
Yukkk!

I'm 30, have been single for about 5 years. Longest relationship to date is 3 years.

I really love being single most of the time - I have a great, large group of friends and lovely family. I really don't relish the thought of living with a man again as I love sharing a house with friends and not having to share my bed, but then I do really want children at some point...

deliasmithy - that's the thing isn't it. Being single isn't better than being coupled up and vice versa. So much depends on the people involved. And sometimes our relationship status changes through life and at each stage they are what's right for us at that point in time.

I would say the only time to be concerned about not being part of a healthy relationship is if you have a problem with relationships generally (e.g. with friends as well as lovers). In that case you may need help to learn to relate to people. But if you generally have happy fulfilling relationships with friends particularly and usually (but not always) with family, chances are you are just fine as you are.

The marriage ceremony itself shows that women were regarded as property - given away by their father or some other male in the family. Why not the mother giving a daughter away? Why is a son not given away? Think about it - it may not be as significant in today's ceremony but the ownership of women is where these customs sprang from.

It was only a just over a hundred or so years ago that women were not even entitled to their own property so if married to an abuser they were stuffed basically as everything belonged to the man. Things have changed but some men still think they own a woman or that they need to look after her (ever wonder where they got these ideas from?) - both forms of control causing problems in relationships even today - not surprising some women have decided they prefer being single.

"What I find most of the times is women waste their years with the 'exciting' guy whilst ignoring the nice but 'boring' person. Then they realise when it's too late (nice boring guy has coupled up) that life with the 'exciting' partner isnt so great afterall."

I hate statements like this, they are oddly woman-hating. They imply women should be grateful for any boring fucker that comes along and give up on passion, mistakes and learning who you are and what you like.

I also think it's hard on those apparently nice boring guys, chances are their partners do think more of them than that.

Dahlen- I don't think that ppl with difficulties in relationships necessarily need to relate to ppl better. I think that although some people have early damaging behaviour or just plain old selfish streaks, sometimes personalities just clash/ people drift apart/ people have different expectations or there is unacceptable behaviour.

to this day, when you get married a woman automatically gets her husband's last name, unless she makes an application to ensure this doesn't happen - ie it is default procedure. Absolutely shocking!

Being boring, like beauty, is on the eye of the beholder.

I might find geeky types exciting, whilst the next woman may find them boring.

However, it's easy to confuse exciting and roller coaster.

Arsenaltilidie: I think you've misunderstood. I'm not talking about people who are attracted to one another and trying to find out if the other person is single/available to date them (which is of course perfectly reasonable). I mean the way in which women out in public socialising with other women* are pestered by a certain type of man, who doesn't believe that women are people who can engage with each other^ (just in terms of having a drink and a gossip with a good friend) and that, because there is no man present 'in charge of them' then a man who wants to can interrupt their evening and demand their attention in a way that he wouldn't do to a mixed group or a male-female couple.

A similar annoying attitude is that of the man who won't accept a woman's refusal to go on a date with him/give him her phone number/have a conversation with him unless she tells him she belongs to another man. The fact that the woman herself doesn't want to interact with this man is not acceptable if she is single.