A thread for and about the chronically single

[Yika]

I'm in awe of people who just jump from one relationship to the next and are never alone. I just can't seem to get it together to form a meaningful relationship. I'm in my mid 40s now and I've never had a serious long term relationship. Mostly I've been on my own or had 1-2 year relationships that were doomed from the start. I had one 5 year massively dysfunctional and semi-detached arrangement. My whole family are like this too, and I'm pretty certain my problem originates from the family attitudes and beliefs I grew up with, because otherwise there just is no rhyme or reason to it. I'm blardy gorgeous reasonably attractive, personable and outgoing.

Is there a cure? Does it matter? Are you happy being chronically single? I want to hear your stories!

And...yeah....I never get invited to couple nights anymore...better things to do though these days!

i haven't read the thread yet (will do after i post this) but i just wanted to say OP i hear ya! i feel the same. i cant seem to even meet anyone i want to go past 1 date with never mind form a relationship with but all around me i know people who leave one relationship and within a few weeks or months are in another. i split with exp 2.5 years ago and have had 2 flings (not relationships at all) meanwhile he is engaged and has bought a house with his fiancee. he started seeing her 3/4 months after we split. how do people find it so easy?

for me being an LP and having very little to no spare cash seems to be a big factor in me not having the sort of lifetstyle that has me meeting people regularly. most people i meet are through DC related things and i think men tend to assume i'm married or 'with' their father. obviously i'm not going to wear a sign saying i'm single.

or maybe all the men i meet are coupled up too as it's all dc related stuff.

I went through my teens and twenties having flings but nothing lasted longer than a few weeks. I was very shy and unsure around blokes and found the idea of committing to someone pretty scary. I think I didn't want to hurt their feelings if it turned out I wasn't that into them after all.

It has always seemed like the people I fancy don't fancy me, and vice versa. So I was always astonished at friends who were serial monogamists, and even more astonished at those friends who managed to have several relationships with people from the same friendship group. To me it seemed like laziness or just not really caring who you were with, as long as you were with someone. And that never appealed, because I would have hated someone to have been with me just because it was easy or they didn't want to be alone.

I'm now single again after a disastrous abusive relationship lasting nearly two years. And quite frankly I'm as happy as a sandboy with being single, because the alternative seems to be dealing with a narky manchild who expected a skivvy/whore. And hell will freeze over before I sign myself up for that again.

The only thing I would change is having someone to generally hang out with and go exploring with. I'm in a new area and haven't had time to meet people to socialise with yet, and it can be a bit lonely. But again, that's no reason to get into a relationship. Patience is required methinks!

Lol most of my friends were s. Active from about 13 always with a bf, it felt an eternity to me

Thanks a lot for sharing your experience.

I also feel shame about my long-term singledom, springyhappy. I feel like I've failed at one of the major success-defining areas of adult life. I think that feeling of failure is there because, unlike some other posters, being single really isn't my choice or preference (although it clearly is at some unwanted subconcious level), and doesn't fit with my life-long goal of having a family, preferably a big family.

That said, I do have a lovely, wonderful DD aged 2.5, who I now (after a rocky start) co-parent amicably with her dad (another of those failed relationships) and I do feel very fulfilled as a mum.

I expressed myself badly when I said that I was in awe of those who jump from one relationship to the next. Being needy or incomplete without a relationship isn't what I meant. I think I was thinking of how natural it seems to many/most people to be in a relationship. For me it feels like hard work to meet someone or to establish or maintain a relationship; not natural at all. I guess this is down to my conditioning, and that my instincts are all askew and my feelings not clear-cut.

The rest of my life is very fulfilling. I have an interesting and well-paid job and nice lifestyle, a rich social and cultural life, and good relationships with friends and family.

I can't exactly say that I'm lonely. But I feel I'm missing out.

Hi OP, I don't like the word 'chronically' because it suggests something negative, like 'terminal' (the nurse coming out in me perhaps!) I do really agree with a lot Amazon says. I split from ex after 22 years of marriage two years ago. Before my marriage, I had 3 long term relationships - so for most of my late teens, early twenties I was in a relationship. Then married late twenties. I absolutely love being single! I love the freedom it gives me. I love doing what I want, when I want. I love being able to go with the flow. Yes, I have four kids, and lots of friends. I also work in a busy A&E department, so am on the go a lot. But I love knowing I can do things on the spur of the moment - I often go out at the last minute, and do far more than I did when I was married. My circle of friends has grown and I have so many more interests than I did before. I think society is a bit wary of us single women - they can't put us in a safe little pigeon hole. Its a bit like people who drink a lot, then give up, and their friends are like, why don't you drink any more?....it makes them uncomfortable, and crucially it makes them look at themselves. Friends say that I've been on my own for two years, and I should meet someone...well, I have lots of male friends, and have had lots of interest...but I am determined that I want to stay single. I'm happier this way!

I've been single for 2 years after a hideous 15 year marriage/relationship, and am 38.

I genuinely enjoy being single........I have had various FWB's, lots of sex, lots of dates, but no love. I have so many good female friends I feel blessed, we really have such amazing connections and such great trusting genuine fun, it makes me thankful everyday. I have found it so fulfilling to develop these female relationships over the last few years - I never thought it possible to get such satisfaction from female relationships.

I trust females.

And I have not been let down.

I have been let down by men and I'm afraid I am hyper sensitive to bad male behaviour, and I also (probably wrongly) see so much bad behaviour from men. Whatever really though, I do love being single. I know myself better than I ever have, and get great satisfaction from my work, friends and children. I don't see how a monogamous male partner would enhance my life, my experience of the men I have 'dated' is that they wouldn't, they would actually diminish this.

I've been single for almost a year after a relationship with a vile guy, and was in another abusive relationship before then.

I really love the place I'm in at the moment, the friendship and connection with my female friends is wonderful and so fulfilling, I can travel, I live alone and enjoy my own company as well as socialising.

My fear is that the older I get, the less I'm willing to compromise. I've done the skivvy thing, never again, just the thought of living with someone gives me the willies. But who knows what the future holds, but I'm not actively out there looking to date anyone or meet people.

It gives me the willies too Turnip. I don't get it anymore - what is the point? Why is it required?

I need reminding/telling

Mc moon cup/ turnip cake

I feel the same and am also 2 years single after 11 yr unhealthy relationship. Would HATE to live with a man. Having zero sex. But it's true that I'd like to meet someone nice- with their own place!!!- and have some physical stuff... I'm also seriously fussy though and on red alert for negative behaviour ha!

I'm glad it's not just me.

For me, it's also the little stuff, like the lotions and potions I use in the evening as a little ritual. I can hear all the smart arse comments from old boyfriends and I think, no, I'd rather have my peer-unreviewed face mask all alone than you very much!

I also ordered an art print today, something I like and I didn't have to agree on something with someone else.

Dating's going to be a nightmare, innit?

If I had a relationship now I'd expect us to lead our own lives, as well as being a 'couple'. After so long being single I can't imagine melding with someone else to a high level. it would just be so weird.

I have a male lodger at the mo and, although he's fab, tidy etc., I still get irritated that eg he has to be told to eg get the bins in (so I don't have to get out of the car, leaving it in the middle of the street, so I can move the bins to get into my drive). He also doesn't notice stuff that needs taking up the stairs (that old saw!) and it gets on my nerves.

But I think I'm straining at gnats. I could put up with that shit if a partner brought stuff to the relationship - and I mean practical stuff!

I used to be in a big rush to have a family and settle down. I jumped from one relationship to another and even went back to a couple, just to check I hadn't missed something or they hadn't grown up and changed...
It was a complete waste of time. Searching for the Happy Ever After just made me cynical. While I was running about like a headless chicken, people who had either stayed with the same guy or waited for someone for ages started to get married. I got engaged 3 times before realising that none of the men I had met were not right for me. It took a lot to walk away from that and realise that I am better on my own. I feel liberated and am now completely confused as to why I wasted so much of my youth on MEN. Being alone is much better IMO. And I feel qualified to say that as someone who never met (and now can't be arsed to) the right man. It may happen but I certainly am not looking for it and only go out every 6 months so unless he is camping out on my doorstep or at the swings at the park, it is highly unlikely!

I have only been single for almost a year now after being in a relationship (also with a shit bag) for around 5 years.

I do miss male companionship, however I want this without the whole relationship aspect of it. I also don't think I would ever want to share my house with a man (or woman for that matter) again.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder why we expect people to stay with the same person 'for life'. To me it seems slightly unrealistic and unnatural.

I would like to get married, but purely because I found a really nice wedding dress. Needless to say I won't be doing that

Maybe one day a man (or woman) will come into my life and I will want to live with them, marry them and be with them forever, but at the moment single is the way forward for me.

I want to carve out a career for myself, own my home and have my own car. Then if I meet a man who can cope with a strong, independent woman (this is what I aim to be) then maybe there will be a place for him at my beautiful handcrafted table.

WTF I raise you your 3/4 months - my ex met someone 2 weeks after we split and proposed to her! They married 4 months later! IMO I was better off out of it, he was desperate to have someone look after him and didn't care who!

My wedding was fabulous!

Shame about the groom.

Been single 3 years. Brief 'fling' five months after split for a few weeks, nothing since. Didn't mind being single for first year but absolutely hate it now as almost all my friends atre coupled. Have very little family, and an only child, which I don't think helps. I don't necessarily NEED a partner but am much happier when not alone.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni 3 days - how about that? They moved in after 2 months and he keeps hassling me about getting our divorce "ASAP, it's really important".

I have an only child too voice and it can be a bit sad when they do things you want to share with someone (I am a nightmare on FB ) but generally I could do without the extra work!
Purple OK you win! Anyone beat that?

I turned all the nice guys down and went with the mad, bad and dangerous to know types. Never had a relationship last more than 18 months and never lived with a boyfriend. Mid thirties now with a Ds (no involvement with the father) and feel confident in every way except I want a relationship with a nice guy now!

I feel like I made this situation and have to work on myself first, especially to lose weight and build a better social life. It's hard going, but Ds keeps me sane!

Thing is, couplehood is pushed at women so hard because couplehood benefits MEN, not women. Yes, of course, there are lots of people who are in happy couple-relationships which enhance both partners' lives, blah blah, fair enough, but really the whole of society is built on the idea that every man is entitled to own a woman who will service him domestically, emotionally and sexually. This isn't actually a good deal for women, so they have to be convinced that it's their destiny and that if there isn't A Man In Your Life you are missing out on something indefinably special.

Instead of putting yourself down about being single, do things that make you happy.

SGB i call it BS.
Single women are not pushed by 'society' to couple up.
But loneliness seems to affect women more than men because women speak 3 times as much as men
From this thread so far, no one seems to have been pushed into a relationship, but people do genuinely get lonely.
That's why women will stay with unsuitable partners because they are afraid to be lonely.
Also to add, the 'biological clock' may make some women jump/stay with unsuitable partners or even feel lonely.

But a woman without a male owner is threatening
Have you just reffered to women in relationships as being owned by their partners.

SolidGoldBrass you're right again! (And you're making me feel great about being single so don't stop!)

Of course some women do seem to manage to have 'equal' relationships where partner actually does childcare, housework, cooking etc without having to be asked and that's great.

If anyone has any tips on how to find these kinds of men, do share but in the mmeantime I am OFFICIALLY happy about being single. Yays!!!