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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can anyone help me please?

88 replies

25042013 · 25/04/2013 13:56

namechange check first

OP posts:
Original poster
25042013 · 25/04/2013 15:04

I can't answer what he would have been like had I owned up - originally or any of the times, to there being more - I just don't know.

OP posts:
sudaname · 25/04/2013 15:06

I used to lie to my abusive exh all the time, constantly on a daily basis.

Am l a liar ? Dishonest? A fantasist?

No none of the above.

It's called survival Sad.

You dont survive in a loving relationship OP you live in it.

You deserve much better.

treaclesoda · 25/04/2013 15:07

I don't think its helpful to classify what you have done as worse, or not as bad, as what he has done. As an outsider looking in, he has been emotionally cruel to you, whilst you have not been honest with him. They're not necessarily any better or worse than each other really, they are just different.

But, having said all that, you sound like you are willing, and trying, to resolve your side of things, whereas from what you have posted, he sounds as though he is happy to continue grinding you down, making you feel awful about yourself etc.

As another poster said, financial issues can be resolved. Its not easy, but they can be.

treaclesoda · 25/04/2013 15:08

And I don't mean by that post 'oh, its only money, pay it back and all will be well' because as I said earlier, his cruelty to you is the real problem.

Original poster
25042013 · 25/04/2013 15:11

He would absolutely deny that he is cruel or abusive. He's never hit me, and cannot see why "words" hurt so much. I think Relate would help us both, but he says unless I hand over all financial stuff to him, there is no marriage to save. He cannot cope with me doing this to him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
25042013 · 25/04/2013 15:16

He's complimentary too sometimes - he isn't all negative. Makes me laugh, doesn't expect sex at the drop of a hat, cuddles me, we do well together when we aren't arguing or one of us isn't stressed

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sudaname · 25/04/2013 15:17

As for making you swear on the kids lives - you have one sicko on your hands there - if anyone ever has asked me to do that l always tell them that my childrens lives are not mine to use as collateral. Their lives rest on the grace of a much higher plane than any of us - yes even your husband.

omaoma · 25/04/2013 15:22

Well... abusive personalities will always deny they are guilty of any cruelty or abuse I'm afraid.

But parking that: at the very least it looks as if the two of you have slightly fucked up ways of dealing with things. Getting help is good; I suggest you ask the ladies on the abusive relationships board about Relate though as I understand this joint counselling is NOT a good idea with abusive personalities as it just becomes another stick they can beat you with rather than a route to change.

My answer re his ultimatum would be that you agree you need to seek help with your relationship to money, but making blanket and extreme decisions at this point seems unlikely to help, and any changes would surely be agreed with professional help and after a lot of thought. Maybe agree some kind of interim mechanism in the meantime like cutting up your cards. I would also counter that from your point of view he has issues with anger management and it's only in the context of you both seeking help and taking responsibility for destructive behaviours you've both got that you can move forward.

But i repeat that you need to ask the ladies who know about abusive partners so you can find the right kind of professional help.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 25/04/2013 15:27

Oh God what a mess.

I do sympathise, especially re weight and self-esteem, and I do think his behaviour has been pretty unacceptable at times. You need help to deal with this on your own.

But from his perspective you have lied continuously about money - to the point where collection agencies were after you - and I think even the most reasonable person would explode at that. I know I would be livid.

If this was reversed and a female poster said that her DH had done these things I think MN would say 'LTB' or to take control of the finances.

How can he trust you when you swore time and time again that there were no other debts?

If he is abusive and controlling then joint counselling is absolutely not the answer. But it might be useful to rebuild trust around your commitment to behave responsibly with money in the future.

Sorry if I come over as being harsh and I do wish you the best.

Original poster
25042013 · 25/04/2013 15:43

I've asked MN to move this to relationships. Thankyou all for being kind, I really don't think I deserve it

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JammySplodger · 25/04/2013 15:46

How about rather than joint relationship counselling, could you get yourself onto something about personal finance management course? Either just for you or jointly? Would that help / be an 'acceptable' alternative to handing over all your finances (which I still think could be a really bad idea).

And that's a horrible comment from your mum on your weight - might she have effectively set the ground for you accepting insults as the norm?

JammySplodger · 25/04/2013 15:48

You sound like you want to get this sorted and make it work, so that makes you a nice person who deserves help.

Original poster
25042013 · 25/04/2013 15:58

Thankyou Jammy I do really, but I want to get ALL of it sorted. I'm dreading him coming home tonight :(

OP posts:
JammySplodger · 25/04/2013 16:06

Just make sure that in getting it sorted you don't make the situation worse for yourself in the name of 'doing right by your family'.

Original poster
25042013 · 25/04/2013 17:07

Thankyou

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Original poster
25042013 · 25/04/2013 18:27

I've made an initial appointment at Relate for myself, but I forgot to ask how long after the initial one is the waiting list? Has anyone any odea please?

OP posts:
MNHQ
RowanMumsnet · 25/04/2013 19:17

Hi there

We've moved this to Relationships at the OP's request.

akaWisey · 25/04/2013 19:50

I think Relate offer counselling very quickly after the initial appointment, as soon as they've found a counsellor who can see you.

Good luck.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 25/04/2013 20:04

Wow, what a distressing thread. I'm so sorry. I used to be a size 22. I'm now a 12/14 - but I honestly ALWAYS think about food, it's always there, I'm always denying myself - I 100% understand your mind set. Many MANY people - not just women - will do that. And the childhood comments that you must have had from your own mother - horrible. I think you have a lot of scar tissue to deal with there, I really do. I am so sorry. Sod the etiquette - big hugs to you on that score.

Firstly - I think that many comments about your husband are correct. I think he has been cruel, he uses this to get at you because it's an easy win for him.

But I actually can see that from his POV, you have lied - regardless of the reasons why, you have lied - you have run up fucking MASSIVE debts - and be in no doubt - were he to have done this on fripperies, that he could have spent on you and your children, a lot of posters would be yelling blue murder - and bloody rightly so!! That would almost be a deal breaker for me with my dh, were he to have done that. But I also accept that you think that in many ways, when there is no external stress, your marriage is often happy. Mine is too. I have other issues going on but when things are on an even keel, my dh and I can be ridiculously well-matched...

I don't think this is black and white at all. I think this is a seriously complex marriage and you both have got to unlearn 'learned' behaviour, iyswim? His tendency to score the cheap win because of his unresolved frustrations at your financial mistakes. Your issues with food - many many things that you have mentioned from both sides - it's all a massive ball of spaghetti and I think you need a skilled professional to help you tease this out.

Were it me, I'd say I'd be happy to give SOME financial control on SOME issues of joint finance to him - ON THE UNDERSTANDING that he buys into joint counselling - at which he commits to giving full disclosure of his behaivour, no lieing on his part, no gas-lighting, being honest about how he feels about you, himself, the marriage.... I see a lot in your post that seems good and very VERY worth fighting for. And a lot that needs resolving.

I honestly wish you all the very best - keep posting for support, there are wonderfully wise heads here on Relationships. If you think your marriage is worth fighting for, fight for it. If you are not seeing him commit to working through problems which I think he honestly has - you need to think. Being a whipping boy for somebody's frustrations is no position to be in, even if - and I am going to say this - on the money front, you created some of those yourself. Well, so what? We all make mistakes, yours is financial, others jump into bed / abuse / hurt / whatever.... you're a couple, you both should want to work at this and you need to hear that commitment from him.

Gosh - too long. Sorry - and genuinely - the very VERY best of luck.
xx

JammySplodger · 25/04/2013 21:51

Hope you're evening's going ok OP, glad you've got an appointment booked!

(and lovely post Lost, think ball of spaghetti sums things up just right)

Original poster
25042013 · 26/04/2013 08:46

Thankyou Lost, you speak a lot of sense x

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Original poster
25042013 · 26/04/2013 17:17

Could citizens advice help re the debt and payments etc?

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JammySplodger · 26/04/2013 19:25

I should think CAB would be a good place to ask, I think they either do or can refer you to debt counselling.

How's your day gone?

Poppywillow · 26/04/2013 20:04

Oh bless you, I agree with the person who said go to counselling on your own, you definitely need a confidence boost. It sounds like your went from your mother making nasty comments to you straight to your husband making them, poor you. The only thing I can really tell you is that growing up with unhappy parents isn't fun, please don't stay with him just for your children. Good luck, I am sure you know what to do but lack the confidence to act.

Original poster
25042013 · 27/04/2013 10:42

Yes, I'm definitely going to go. I have asked him to come too but I doubt he will. I do understand why he feels he has no reason to go, he hasn't caused this, it was me. Thankyou all for being kind to me

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