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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Can anyone help me please?

88 replies

25042013 · 25/04/2013 13:56

namechange check first

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25042013 · 27/04/2013 10:43

I was working yesterday Jammy, but thankyou for asking. I then had charity meeting last night, so I was busy.

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Lucyellensmum95 · 27/04/2013 10:57

Please do not go to counselling with this abusive cunt! Seriously, it is very damaging for the victim of abuse to enter into counselling with their abuser. And im sorry to say that this is exactly what he is.

He has manipulated YOU into thinking that you are the problem, these people are clever, he would spin the counselling to his advantage too.

HE has totally caused this, HE made you unhappy to the point that you found solace in spending to provide a shell of a "happy family" with things. Things that you couldn't really afford :( NOW he has found out, he is pretending to be cross and "broken hearted" (yearh right, rightever) When really he is jumping for joy inside. This is because you have given him another stick with which to beat you - 1st it was your weight - your fault now you can't be trusted with money

This is not a relationship - you may as well be living under house arrest with him as your captor - threatening to tell the charity you work for how DARE he.

But hey, at least he doesn't hit you - for now.

I am sorry to sound harsh but your DH is emotionally abusing you and now starting to abuse you with money, it is a recognised form of domestic abuse.

I really hope that you wake up to this soon and can rescue what is left of your self esteem and get this looser out of your life. Why did you spend on credit cards? Was it because he never allowed you any money anyway?

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bestsonever · 27/04/2013 11:22

From what you say, you were big when you met him but he still dated and married you. He was at best extremely naive to think that when you start a relationship that has flaws from the beginning those flaws will disappear, naive and unreasonable expectation. Flaws get bigger with time, if it's not right from the off things rarely improve over time.
Though it's possible to lose weight on a diet, it's a lifestyle change you need to maintain it long term.
He was wrong to make you promise, and it's strange behaviour to still be on about it 20 years down the line, if it was a deal-breaker he would of already gone by now. This is more of a power trip, the choice you have is to stay and be ruled forever or take the opportunity for a get-out that's there and become your own boss.

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Selba · 27/04/2013 11:28

I would leave my husband if he ran up credit card debts.

I would contemplate leaving him if he said I was too fat to fuck.

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25042013 · 27/04/2013 11:32

Thankyou. A lot to think about there.

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Lucyellensmum95 · 27/04/2013 11:35

Selba - I am not sure thats particularly helpfull tbh

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JammySplodger · 27/04/2013 11:38

Even if he isn't conscious about it, the way he talks to you is emotionally abusive.

I think it might be a blessing in disguise that he's not bothererd about going to counselling, I think you will gain alot more from talking through things that you couldn't with him there, including talking about him openly without feeling you have to hold your tongue, or being instantly told you're wrong.

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25042013 · 27/04/2013 12:07

Maybe you're right Jammy. I'm sure he'll want to know what's been said anyway afterwards

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JammySplodger · 27/04/2013 12:13

You know, I hope, you don't have to tell him, or can give a very watered down version of the truth.

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UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 27/04/2013 16:40

Lucy I admire your staunch defence of the OP but I think that with even the most sympathetic reading of the situation there is fault on both sides. As well as working on her sense of self worth, acknowledging the poor decisions she made at the time (and has committed to not making again) would be, I humbly suggest, useful.

If a man accused his wife of manipulating him into racking up £16k worth of debt I don't think he would get the same response.

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25042013 · 27/04/2013 17:16

I've taken out no credit for years - there is no way on this earth I ever will again. I'm not blaming him for making me spend the money - not at all. This is my fault. I just want him to be kinder to me in the way he speaks sometimes, that's all

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Celticcat · 27/04/2013 17:22

Unexpected, this is simply not true. Bullies are predominantly men.

I felt bad about many things in our marriage and I blamed myself and others instead of concentrating on dh behaviour, I.e. his need to control. He would be very subtle in belittling me, not sharing financial information (although I am the one with clearly the better head for money).
I posted on mumsnet and one of the first replies suggested I read Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do it?
It has literally changed my life. I recognize certain dh behaviour patterns, and can now register them, address them and get over them, without blaming myself and decreasing my self worth.
I talked openly with dh about his controlling behaviour and LO! he is willing to work at it. Frequently asks my opinion, offers information and is generally less of a dick.
OP, your dh is using your weaknesses as a stick to beat you. Don't let him. Xx

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JammySplodger · 27/04/2013 17:33

While I don't necessarily agree that most bullies are men (discussion for another thread I think), I do agree it sounds like your DH is using your finances as a stick to beat you with. And if you fix your finances but not your marriage, he'll quite possibly just pick on a different weakness, as he has done with your weight.

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25042013 · 28/04/2013 08:11

I'm doing a car boot sale at the moment. Flipping freezing. We managed to talk a bit yesterday. He says I have always known he wants me to lose weight, that it will imprive our lives in all ways. When i asked why no one ever just likes and loves me, the personality, face person, he aays it is because i am loud and pushy.

He also admitted he is turned off/put off by my size. So, I guess at least I know now.

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25042013 · 28/04/2013 08:19

Men don't like fat girls, plump is ok but no one is turned on by a fat one.

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TheSherrif · 28/04/2013 08:46

That's quite a generalisation, but moving on from that - Who died & made him the boss? You ran up the debt, you're paying it off. Why is he having a go? Presumably it's in your name? Do not hand over all your finance stuff, you are not a child.
Marriage should be a partnership of equals - he is not in charge. He has attained this state by trying to make you grateful for his presence in your life. Well f* that. I'm not suggesting you leave, but instead stand up for yourself just a little. Get counselling if only to find yourself &your rights as a person again. (Btw my mum would have said something similar. There's no one like mum for giving you a lifelong complex). Here, have a to warm you up a bit!

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JammySplodger · 28/04/2013 08:57

So really, he's saying he doesn't love you for who you are. That's just shit. I'm sorry you're with him, with that attitude, and I don't think that's going to change.

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25042013 · 28/04/2013 09:04

I said that to him and he denied it. I can't seem to get a straight answer

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wheredidiputit · 28/04/2013 09:14

I really can't see why he is with you (not being mean about you). But from the start he wanted to change you.

It shouldn't matter to him if you are a size 12 or a 18.

How did he not notice that your not losing weight for 10+ years. I've lost 30lb since last June (was a 18/20 and now a 14/16) and it's very noticable. has he not looked at you at all.

Anyway to my point i wouldn't give in full financial control over you. I would agree to counselling (which may help you to sort out your own issues) but with only joint councelling with him if he admits how his negative attitiude towards you changes.

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JammySplodger · 28/04/2013 09:24

In all of this your weight shouldn't matter, yet it seems to be more important to him that you as a person, and seems to be a 'legitimate' reason to insult you and make you feel like shit.

It really doesn't sound like he respects you and that's grinding down your respect for yourself. If you're still the same size in five years time, is he still going to be emotioally beating you up about it then?

You can be big and happy. You can also be big and loved, cherished and respected. And you can be big and have respect for yourself.

Also, if you were to stay together you're going to rebuild his trust in your finances. Only you can demonstrate this, if he takes charge he will always say, I had to bail you out / sort it out for you as you obviously couldn't do it. And that will always be another 'legitimate' reason for him to insult you.

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EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 28/04/2013 09:31

You have a shopping addiction and debt problems

He is abusive and foul to you

Those two things are related but kind of separate issues. And I'm sorry, but I don't think you should be working on your marriage. He has been abusive to you from the very beginning. I'm hardly surprised you hid your addiction problems from him, he terrifies you.

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25042013 · 28/04/2013 09:41

I haven't run up any further debt or spent more than i have got for 8 years. I jyat need to finish paying it off the repay the same amount into our savings

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JammySplodger · 28/04/2013 09:50

I have to say, that's great you've come down from 16k to 2.5, how long do you think it'll take to pay the rest off?

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25042013 · 28/04/2013 09:57

Oh, paid off that one. I have no idea i total how much i ran up altogether, probably near to 30k. I have 5k left now and i aim to do it in 12 months. A lot of that debt was interest and late payments etc - i had no idea at the time that getting cash out the wall was so costly on a credit card :( stupid or what

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Guiltypleasures001 · 28/04/2013 10:08

Hi Op

I am equally shocked and disgusted with your DH and am really not surprised with either the debt low self esteem or self confidence

This bloke and I refuse to use the word man, is your jailer he's not your dear partner or husband, because that would imply kindness and respect, of which he has neither for you and looks like he never did from the start, neither has your MI.

my advise to you? Leave the bastard yep LTB he has systematicly character destroyed you in every way possible, and as I read your posts what he has reduced you to, you are echoing his words and saying he is right and you deserve them.

You shopped to receive some comfort for the thrill you get when you pick something nice for yourself, cause lets face it there is no comfort to be had at home is there? You were trying to buy his love in a way cause nothing else you do including breathing is and never will be good enough.

I am glad you say you are feisty now days cause love pack ya stuff and your kids tell him to go fuck himself, and go and get the life you were meant to have before you met this sorry excuse for a human being who has sucked the joy and life out of you.

I shany type anymore cause he is making me angry and I dont even know him

x