Adult Mother and Daughter Relationships

[PinkKerPlink]

What are they really like

My Mother flits from treating me like I am 12 years old to treating me like I am her little sister who she is having some weird competition with

just wondered what everyone elses were like

you know all about mine
( I can't go on msn right now as I am ment to be watching a dvd dh got out for me special, you understand)

suzy, oh thank goodness, i thought I had upset my bezzamate

i dont speak to mine. i just get stressed and ill when i do. shes an alcoholic who refuses help

pinkerplink, you've just described my relationship with my mother.
She has always been a "man's woman" and seems to be in constant competition with me (one which I don't join).
She's now flirting with my husband-who just raises his eyebrows to me.
She comes down in the same clothes (a variation of) that I had on when we last met.
Since I told her I don't remember my childhood she now makes up all sorts of stories where she is the fairy mother. not true.

I could go on but you don't know me and you rightly won't want to know
You just caught me on a day when its all been going round in my head!

Hope you're all well.

oh rabbit rabbit, i do want to hear. it makes me feel ever so slightly better

today she has told me i could only have 5 minutes in the bath
I need to look for clothes in a plus size shop
I caught her looking through my diary to see what my appointments were for next week

heck, she winds me up terrible

she thinks she is a mans woman too so and so fancies her and so on and so forth

oh God, this could go on

Right. 4mths after I had my lovely lovely DS (now 3) she told me that I'd "better start losing that weight as summers coming" (lol)
Last weekend she came down and spent the whole weekend asking "oh, can't you eat those on your diet"
what diet is that?!

She asks my son if he loves her more than me - that is actually the only time I retaliate as I won't let her f*ck up my son with her emotional games.

I know when she's unhappy because thats when she starts with the vicious comments towards me

sigh
mothers!

Mine is a nightmare too she was a lazy cow when I was growing up she never worked or got out of bed before 11am, I was getting myself to school from an early age. She so favoured my younger brother as well. However, she now has this rosy image of my childhood and pretends she was the best mother ever.

She has seen DD2 twice since she has been born (16 weeks ago) even though she lives an hour away. She looked after DD1 about 3 times in almost 2 years and now I won't let her look after them as she would deliberately do things to wind me up eg give them chocolate and tea! She winds me up no end, would never give me a compliment or say well down but is forever bigging me up to others! She always has to say something about my appearance when we see her too. Most people that know us now say she is jealous of me as I have had a career, am younger than she is etc

hi sweetkitty-your comment about having a career and being younger rings so true with me also. Mum has a real problem with getting older-but unfortunately for her all her self esteem seems to be from how much attention she gets from men, and of course there's a real chance that that will greatly diminish over time-for us all!

I feel sorry for her because I know some of the things that she's gone through but I also believe that sometimes we do all have to make a choice and not inflict our problems on the next generation.
xx

My Mum is always right, she's the only person in the world who knows how to do anything properly and she thinks she's the only person in anyone's life who matters

When I was 13 she actually told me that when she found out she was pregnant with me she booked in for an abortion but she was "talked out of it"

Now she's trying hard to convince me I shouldn't invite one of my brothers to my wedding because she's fallen out with him

She's not as bad as some others on this thread though....

Hi, this is a timely thread!! I am having issues with my mum too. She moved abroad 3 years ago, and didn't take my youngest brother and sister with her (aged 11 and 10 at the time) they were sent to live with their dad. Now my sister is suffering terribly from missing her mum, and combining that with teenage angst she is really miserable. My opinion (not that I can share it with my mum) is that my mum was so wrong to move abroad with a)no choice given to my siblings and b)no consideration for anyone elses feelings. Now there is this huge black cloud over my relationship with my mum, as I am angry she left her own children. My mum complains all the time that we children have "ostracised" (sp?) her. Well excuse me, we didn't choose for her to move to another country. It's getting to the poinbt where we children cannot say anything even slightly critical to mum, nor can we express anything regarding how we feel as mum goes completely off the deep end and it all ends up with her crying and screaming at us. So we all talk amongst ourselves about it and mum just carries on like normal. She refuses to admit she is in any way responsible for any kind of negative consequence of her moving abroad, its all our fault not hers. Her standard response when i have tried to say that my youngest sister really is very sad and is missing her and needing her, is "Well maybe she'll learn to appreciate me better" WTF??? A 14 year old girl needs to know her mum is there for her, she doesn't need a lesson in parent appreciation - hell, I have only just started learning about this in my 20s!! 2 of my siblings are adults now, and the youngest 2 are in their teens. It's so difficult to relate to my mum, even now I am an adult, as I cannot understand why we chose to move abroad and leave her children. She won't ever offer an explanation. So, as a result, I suffer from stress and depression at times, and insecurity. And none of this is my mums fault according to her. Very sad state of affairs really as we are all finding ourselves distancing from mum as it hurts too much to think about it again and again.

Well, sorry for that novel. Its the first time I have really expressed myself (tip of the iceberg believe me) to anyone outside the situation. I have read MN alot, and posted a few times too, and found most people to be so kind and helpful. I guess I just fancied a sobbing session and a virtual hug. If you read this far without falling asleep, many thanks. Any advice/sympathy would be very welcome as I really don't know what to do. Why are mother/daughter relationships so bl**dy complicated??

to be fair i have had a good relationship with my mother though when i was in a relationship with someone she didnt like (and she was right) things went pear shaped. Sometime i think it is to do with the same sex thing, you expect your daughter to be like you and thin like you etc. But there are also women who just dont like other women regardless if it is their own daughter. My mother had terrible probs with her mother and we are sure that is was just she didnt like other women.

Hi NannyK, please don't apologise for your post-it's good to hear other stories as sometimes you can feel that its just you and you must be doing something wrong!
I too have real insecurity and self esteem issues as I never felt that I was good enough for my mother.

Re nicnack2 comments on not liking other women-I've discussed my mum with someone who knows her really well and we both agreed that she doesn't like other women very much and to be honest I think there are some women who sholdn't have daughters (i know that sounds nasty) and she's one of them.

Nannyk, I hope you felt better for writing it down. Must be really hard for you all with your mum doing that:(

God, my mother is a... well lets just say it isn't nice. From me being little I remember her staying in bed till lunch time, claiming she cooked all the meals-all she did was watch my dad do it, moan on and on and on at my dad..for nothing. It used to drive me mad, my friends used to thing she was great because she put on an act in fron of them- they know different now. I had problems when I was 16, started seeing an older man which led me to drinking g&ts in the morning before school and college. She had no idea, wasn't even interested in what I did or what I was going through, and beleive me some bad things happened. She had the nerve to call me slag in front of my friends and told me that I was asking for it.

Now she's worse. I only see her because my dad lives with her, I could quite happily never see again. She hits and pokes at my dad, complains when he has a drink of wine with dinner, never lets him out-he has subsequently lost touch with all his friends. She is now competing for affection with dd, she tells her that she loves her more because she spends more time with her (she doesn't) that I don't really like playing with her. Last years christmas she made an announcement to all family and friends that she was keeping all dd's presents at her house becaue I won't play with them and they are wasted at my house. I really hate her, but dd loves her to bits, so I have to tolerate it.If I could get my dad moved out and set up with another woman that would be perfect, (he mentioned a few years ago that he wished he had left her) now he's just staying because he doesn't want the hassel

My mum is dreadful she has been in competition with my sister and I ever since we have become adults and can never say well done or anything nice to us ever.She never contacts us and moved house without even telling us.She has no idea what any of us are doing and never asks.She is getting older but has never mellowed at all and is just obsessed with what people look like and how much they have got/how big their house is etc.She has never seemed really happy to me and treats her husband like dirt and has slept in seperate rooms from him for years.I have now decided not to contact her as I always organise all family things but she always just sits there with a long face Sometimes it isbest to just get on with your life and let these toxic people go xx

I don't really have a meaningful relationship with my mother. She walked out on my dad when I was 11 months and my brother was 3.5. She remarried and had another child and also brought up two stepkids. My dad moved away when he remarried and I saw her only a handful of times during the whole of my childhood.

When my kids were born I had moved near to where she lived and we built a relationship of sorts although looking back it was very superficial. She has married for third time last September and I have spoken to her once since that time.

My stepmother was horrible to me and my younger brother - I can vividly remember her punishing me when I was about 7 or 8 by shaking me up and down and side to side by my ankles, hitting my head against the bottom stair. I grew up resenting her. It's better now I am older but I so regret never having had any meaningful relationship with someone I could call my mum.

mine treats me like her little girl most of the time. but does depend on me alot too. She gets upset when i refuse the offer of borrowing her clothes!!! She is 68!!

so :( to read all of your story's about your mums.

mine's fab, we do have our days - we cna't live in a house together any more - 2 women with 2 clearly different ideas on things doesn't work! lol. but 99% of the time we get on fab, we talk every day she's there when I need her. after joey was born she travelled 250 miles to make sure I was ok the weekend after cos I couldn't stop crying and needed sleep. she does my house work when they visit and cooks my tea! lol:o (well did when I worked!)

she's my best mate really, we're v close mother and daughter but also mates. also I think she's about the only person I trust to leave Joey with, (apart form DH). always giving me advice. I think it helps that her/dad never talked at us so to speak, we were always talked with iycwim. althou we did have v clear/firm boundrys.

She's quite scarey as well when she wants! - I blame the maltese blood in her! lol. v firey temper at times but at least she'll say what she thinks and doesn't care.

My mum has a terrible time with her mum who is selfish, scheming, manipulating woman, plays off her children against each other, has favourites etc etc. As a result, mum tries really hard to do the opposite - treats us equally, only ever praises us now we are adults, showers us with affection, offers of help, babysitting, gardening etc, never criticises our parenting skills (or lack of), only offers advice when asked - in all, fantastic. So much so, that myself and one of my sisters have deliberately chosen to come back and live near her when we had children.
She is a very strong, busy lady who never stops doing stuff within her community, work, hobbies, charity work etc but seems to find so much time for her family. If I turn out 10% as caring and generous with my children as she has been with us, I will do my kids proud.

Maybe those of you who have had hard times with your own mum will find the resolve helps you to build extra specially good relationships with your own children as you can appreciate how important it is and where it is so easy to get it wrong? I know we have benefitted from our mum’s disastrous time with our gran.

Your Mum sounds a diamond, BagelBird!
My Mum is very similar to how you describe your Mum's Mum. She is selfish, plays her children off against each other, has favourites (she has now started this with her grandchildren), gets very jealous of my sister & I doing anything without her, often criticises my parenting skills, doesn't listen to you when you try to talk to her & often comes out with the line "Changing the subject.." when you are half way through a conversation and doesn't help me out with the children much. Infact this year on my wedding anniversery, she came round with my Dad & they both took my husband out for a drink, leaving me in the house to put my children to bed etc! They were all toasting our anniversery & I wasn't even with them!!

i've finally come to the realisation that i have no respect for my mum and stopped wasting energy on her. (it's a very long story - or should that be therapy session)i still see her every couple of weeks, mainly so the kids know who she is.
example of how she treats me; yesterday - i'm having a new kitchen and so have no cooker etc and am at home with 4m and 3yo. she invites us over for lunch to 'help me out'. when we arrive, i drive her to the shops cos she doesn't feel up to driving. she holds onto the car door as if she thinks i may crash at any moment. she tells me when to start indicating (approximately half a mile before turning). i unload the car of children adn her shopping when we return home. i cook lunch while she sits at the table saying 'o, do you make sauce that way'. she gets out a biscuit tin and then makes a big fuss to ds that he can only have one if mummy says so (even tho he hasn't eaten all his lunch and she knows i don't really want him to have a biscuit). the day goes on...
when dh gets home from work he is surprised to find i have bald patches where i have literally pulled my own hair out.

hope it's helping you PINK to know how others are -

Had to just mention-a few years ago I needed to renew my passport and needed a copy of my birth certificate.
I'm Irish so needed to apply to the local office-of-whatever (!) and when I called my mum to ask her where I was born she told me she didn't remember!

No, am not adopted

Relationship with mine has become a lot more complex since I became a mother myself.

See thread 'Meeting with estranged parents' :(